Census and Sensuality

(apologies to Jane Austen)

By Kris Cherita

"You really think it'll work?" asked Josh. "I thought all that stuff about subliminals had been debunked."

"It's worth trying," said Emma. "It's not really mind control, it just... makes people more suggestible and exploits that. Cigarette companies had people working on it for decades, but they found that ordinary TV ads weren't long enough to be as effective as they wanted. They sold the results to the Discovery Institute, who sold it to the oil companies, who found it works much faster if people concentrate for a few minutes and believe that they're in control. The internet and elaborate video games proved to be a much more useful platform, especially when combined with a very simple artificial intelligence: I suspect that someone's using it to create anti-vaxers and climate change denialists and probably the QAnon cult, so I thought it was about time it was used ethically."

"I'm not sure that seducing a nineteen-year-old counts as ethical," said Matt dryly. He and Emma had an open marriage: he was completely straight, but Emma was bi, a Two on the Kinsey Scale. Though they both picked up women for casual sex on occasions, they only brought them home if they were interested in threesomes -- and that hadn't happened in over a year, months before they rented the spare room to Madison.

"Don't tell me you haven't been wondering what it would be like to suck those tits. Or put your dick between them."

"Okay, but..."

"You've seen how miserable she's been since her boyfriend dumped her," his wife continued. "And now that she's lost her job, too... I think this might make her happier. It doesn't take away her choice, it shouldn't make her less intelligent, it just... suggests a possibility that she's free to reject."

***

"Not going out tonight?" Emma asked, as she and Madison stacked the dishwasher.

"Can't really afford it," the student replied, glumly. It was a Friday night and it had been nearly three weeks since she'd split up with Tyler, and while he'd already found a new girlfriend, no-one had asked her out. She was undeniably attractive -- tall, busty, and raven-haired -- but most of her male classmates found her intelligence, looks and height intimidating.

"Would a hundred dollars help?"

"Sure, but..." She knew Emma was extremely well paid for her work as a software designer, and didn't need the modest rent she paid, but she didn't want to be a charity case.

"What would you have to do for it?"

"Yes."

"Not much. We've been working on some new census software. Some people complained after the last census that there were no questions about sexual preferences or being transgender -- nothing about being gay, or bi, or ace, no way to say that you had two mothers or two fathers, that sort of thing. So they've created a new survey, but it's only version one point zero, and we need..."

"Guinea pigs?"

Emma smiled. "We prefer to call them test subjects - ones who haven't been involved in writing it. Hence the money. If it all works, it shouldn't take more than half an hour, including writing your report. If you have to keep hitting reset or anything like that, it's twenty-five per hour, but the minimum pay is a hundred. Your answers won't be recorded anywhere, so you don't even have to tell the truth, just let us know if any of the answers cause it to crash. Are you interested?"

"I could use the money," Madison admitted. She'd lost her job a week before, and rightly suspected it was a to a girl who was sleeping with the boss, or at least blowing him regularly. "What do I have to do?"

***

The first few questions had been innocuous and unsurprising, and being asked whether she identified as male, female, intersex, non-binary or other, while not a question she remembered seeing in a previous census, struck Madison as an appropriate update to the 21st century. She clicked on FEMALE and waited for the next question.

DO YOU HAVE A VAGINA? YES/NO

She blinked, then shrugged. That, she supposed, also made sense when people identified as female but hadn't had surgery, like a few of her classmates. YES.

DO YOU HAVE BREASTS? YES/NO

"Getting a bit personal," she muttered. She had a sudden urge to lift her t-shirt and flash her E-cup boobs at the laptop camera, but resisted it. YES.

ARE THEY NATURAL? YES/NO

This time, the urge was even more difficult to resist, but she settled for clicking on YES. The screen flickered for an instant before the next question popped up. ARE YOUR NIPPLES SENSITIVE? VERY/SOMEWHAT/SLIGHTLY/NO

She automatically clicked VERY, then blinked. She wasn't sure why the bureau of statistics would need to know that, but maybe some doctor was looking for data on how implants affected nipple sensitivity --

DO YOU ENJOY HAVING THEM SUCKED? VERY MUCH/SOMEWHAT/SLIGHTLY/NO

VERY MUCH, she responded, and caught herself giggling... which she rarely did.

DO YOU IDENTIFY AS:

HETEROSEXUAL/STRAIGHT

HOMOSEXUAL/LESBIAN/GAY

ASEXUAL

BISEXUAL

BI-CURIOUS

She clicked on HETEROSEXUAL/STRAIGHT, and BI-CURIOUS lit up. Before she could react, the next popped up: HAVE YOU HAD SEX WITH ONE OR MORE MEN? YES/NO

She stared at the screen, then clicked on the 'Back' button. Nothing happened for a moment, and then the next question popped up.

HOW MANY MEN?

ONE

TWO TO FIVE

SIX TO TEN

ELEVEN TO TWENTY

MORE THAN TWENTY

"Two to five," she muttered, clicking on it. "How big a slut do you think I am?"

DO YOU ACHIEVE ORGASM WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH MEN? USUALLY/SOMETIMES/RARELY/NEVER.

She took a moment to choose between SOMETIMES and RARELY, but picked the first.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN PREGNANT? YES/NO

"Fuck, no. I'm only nineteen, for fuck's sake." NO.

HAVE YOU HAD SEX WITH ONE OR MORE WOMEN? YES/NO

"Only with myself," she said. "Does that count?" NO.

The screen froze for a moment, and she wondered whether the computer was about to ask HOW OFTEN? But the next question, when it finally popped up, was, IS THIS CORRECT? YOU HAVE HAD SEX WITH MEN BUT NOT WITH WOMEN? YES/NO

Madison hesitated for an instant -- asking herself what exactly did count as sex with a woman? -- before pressing YES.

DO YOU EVER FANTASIZE ABOUT SEX WITH MEN? YES/NO

YES

DO YOU EVER FANTASIZE ABOUT SEX WITH WOMEN? YES/NO

This time, it was her hand that froze. She was about to click on NO, but wavered for a moment before clicking YES. It hadn't happened often, but there had been times when her boyfriends had been going down on her that she'd wondered if a woman could do it better (it was difficult to imagine them being much worse), and when she'd kissed her boyfriends later, she'd found the taste of her pussy juice surprisingly enjoyable. She'd even taken to licking her fingers sometimes after masturbating. Besides, she told herself, Emma had told her that it didn't matter if she wasn't entirely truthful...

HAVE YOU EVER HAD ANAL SEX? YES/NO

YES. Her last boyfriend, Tyler, had tried fucking her in the ass once when neither of them had come during penis-in-vagina sex. She'd agreed because his dick was the skinniest she'd ever seen, though not the shortest. It hadn't been as painful as she'd feared, and had actually started to feel good, but even though she'd played with her clit while he'd been inside her, he'd come before she could. She'd wondered whether it would be better next time, maybe with more foreplay and/or more lube, but there hadn't been a next time, and now Tyler was fucking that horny slut Maria, who probably let him buttfuck her every night and maybe even did ass-to-mouth...

WHAT DO YOU PREFER HAVING IN YOUR ASSHOLE? TONGUE/FINGER/ANAL BEADS/BUTT PLUG/VIBRATOR/PENIS?

Well, I've only tried a cock, she thought, pressing that before it struck her that 'asshole' was oddly informal for a government website. She blinked, thinking that maybe she'd imagined it and that it had actually said, 'Anus' or something clinical like that, but the screen had gone blank apart from some barely visible rippling, a bit like the static in the TV in POLTERGEIST. While she waited for the next question, she found herself wondering what a tongue would feel like licking her asshole. Possibly better than a finger. She didn't have any sex toys that were suitable -- just a Hitachi magic wand with a head she thought was too big to go into her cunt, even if it was as wet as it was now, much less her butt -- but she did have lube, and of course she had fingers, and her nails were short...

She wasn't sure why she was suddenly so horny: possibly it was the visions she couldn't shut out of Tyler fucking Maria in her shapely ass, Maria screaming as she came... no, wait. That was HER!

Madison opened her eyes, trying to remember when she'd pulled down her jeans, lubed up a finger and stuck it up her butthole while diddling her clit with the other hand, but it didn't seem important. She hoped the screams hadn't disturbed Emma and Josh, but their bedroom was at the other end of the house and she only ever heard them if she went past their door while they were fucking. She took a deep breath, removed her hands from out of her sodden panties, and stared at the laptop screen.

WHEN DID YOU LAST HAVE AN ORGASM? TODAY/THIS WEEK/THIS MONTH/NEVER

She giggled as she clicked on TODAY, her fingers still sticky.

WERE YOU:

ALONE

WITH A MAN

WITH A WOMAN

WITH A MAN AND A WOMAN

WITH MORE THAN ONE MAN

WITH MORE THAN ONE WOMAN

WITH A LARGER MIXED GROUP

Alone, damnit, she thought, as visions of the possible combinations ran through her head. ALONE

HAVE YOU EVER HAD AN ORGASM JUST FROM HAVING YOUR NIPPLES SUCKED?

She blinked. She'd licked jizz off her boobs after one of her previous lovers had come on them; the sight it had turned him on enough that he'd gone down on her until he was hard again, and the memory was a pleasant one, but she'd never gone as far as sucking her own nipples. She peeled off her t-shirt and unhooked her bra, and found that getting her lips around her areola was easier than she'd imagined. She ran her tongue around the swelling nipple, and soon she was sucking eagerly, resisting the urge to frig herself again even though the pleasure was flowing down the length of her body almost as though she was sucking on her own clit. The resulting orgasm wasn't as intense as the one she'd had from fingering her asshole, but it was strong enough that she knew she was going to have to try it again. She found herself wondering how good it would feel to have both of her nipples sucked simultaneously, maybe while someone else ate her out, and with a finger in her butt, or maybe even a cock... The urge to masturbate again became irresistable, and soon she was frantically jilling herself off.

She looked at the screen again, and read THANK YOU FOR COMPLETING THIS SURVEY. DO YOU WANT TO SUBMIT? YES/NO

YES

THANK YOU. PLEASE CONFIRM: YOU ARE A WOMAN, 19 YEARS OLD, BI-CURIOUS, SEXUALLY ACTIVE, MULTI-ORGASMIC AND SUBMISSIVE, WITH A CUNT AND NATURAL BREASTS. YOU LOVE HAVING YOUR NIPPLES SUCKED AND HAVING A COCK IN YOUR ASS, AND FANTASIZE ABOUT SEX WITH MEN AND WOMEN. YES/NO

She clicked YES, then blushed when she realized she'd also said it aloud. Fuck, she thought, I was enjoying that! She considered grabbing her magic wand from the nightstand, and realized it wouldn't be enough, so she dressed hastily in her clubbing gear and was headed for the front door when she saw Emma in the kitchen, making coffee. "Going out?"

"Maybe," Madison replied, then hesitated. "What about you? Anything exciting planned?"

"No, Josh and I were just going to bed. Having an early night."

Madison barely hesitated. "Would you like me to join you?"

Emma grinned. "I was hoping you'd ask. Come with me."