All Comments on 'Chapter 01: Hawaiian Studies'

keeps u confused, could never get into story

If flashbacks interest you: they need to be in longer sections and more coherent.

It is difficult to determine exactly how many characters you have introduced here.

shannon, tammi, naomi, allen - who is who and what is their relationship?

Incoherent is the word to express this first attempt. I suspect the writer intends to show a “stream of consciousness” kind of thing, but the foundation for all of the characters is badly conceived, where it isn’t totally lacking. I suggest holding up on any future chapters until Chapter 1 can be rewritten with better organization and a better flow of action. Frankly, constantly descending into a flashback just isn’t going to cut it.

will the next be chapter two or chapter one - lost authors?

Most stories have a story title then Chapeter one. Story title chapter two.

I'll let the others talk about the story.

So confusing! Roadmap needed here more than Bush needs one in the Middle

East.

As confusing as this was that still sucks as no real man should seek humiliation by his own hand - pimping out his wife after drugging her up. Do you drown puppies too? !<P>

Sickly start writer - why is that?

Too much bouncing around in time.. Couldn't remember any part of what was what that way..

I feel like I have read a tennis match, what with all the jumping back and forth. The basic story seems simple enough, but the way it is written gets very confusing. I think it needs to be rewritten.

Two iguanas screwing on a grey rock would be more erotic. How did you get these high scores?