Chinese Whispers and Broken Hearts

"I don't know, when do you have to go back to work?"

"I'm supposed to go back today, I only took a day off. I'm already absent, I need to call my boss and tell them I won't be in."

"We could go somewhere for lunch, there's a really nice cafe that opened recently, in the middle of town. We could go for a walk, try and enjoy what remains of the day."

She sighed, "That sounds delightful, I would love to just talk."

As we walked into the town centre, her hand slipped into mine, and it felt good, right. We walked with purpose, our hands swinging, joined together. We got some funny stares, but fuck them. It didn't diminish my smile.

Lunch was nice, we talked properly, let everything out, all our emotions spilled out across the table. Our hopes, and dreams. Amazingly, they still aligned. I suppose it shouldn't have been a surprise. After all, up until we graduated Uni, we shared everything. Those plans we had been imagining since we were old enough to rationalise thoughts.

I knew every dirty little secret of her early life, and she knew mine.

Strangely, Jane, was gone, expunged from my life. It wasn't her death that killed her memory, it was finding out, she never really existed.

As we walked aimlessly around the shops, we talked some more, our hands seemingly impossible to prise apart.

When we got home, the door closed, the rest of the world disappeared and we went to bed. The rest of the day dissolved in an afternoon of the most exquisite lovemaking. It was the languid pleasure I loved. The need for an end point vaporised, we just cuddled and caressed our way from one orgasm, all the way to the next.

I was hardly a wildly experienced lover. I had been with only four women in my life. Jane who was by far my most experienced lover, was also a bit of a domme. She wanted to control everything, and she was always in a rush, she loved passion, and lust.

With Elsa, it was love, and I adored that. We discovered our own preferences, our likes and dislikes. I treasured taking our time, orgasm wasn't the goal, it was pleasure. Kissing and cuddling surpassing the rush to cum.

With the day drifting past, we reluctantly got dressed, and made dinner. It was sad when Elsa had to go. We kissed one last time, before she drove away. My heart ached, watching her little red Nissan drive out of the driveway. One last toot, and she was gone.

As I walked back inside, my emotions caught up with me, I was alone.

The house felt cold and empty. In two days, she had turned my world upside down. Destroyed my memories, of Jane, ripped open my heart and climbed inside.

Jane, god, what a bitch, From the first meeting, I was in awe of her. She was everything I admired in women. She was in charge, not only of herself, but of those around her. She had an aura of invincibility. She walked into groups and took over. Funny, that first time, seeing her sitting alone. I thought I was so brave approaching her.

Once we spoke, I was under her spell, it was that quick. I loved the take control aspect, except she never let it go. I guess most would describe me as a bottom, not submissive, I just wasn't comfortable being in charge. Jane certainly provided the in charge, sometimes though. It was a bit much.

She was very dominant, especially in the bedroom. She knew what she wanted, and what she liked. She wasn't kinky, but she was into shit I didn't like. She liked strap on sex, with her the aggressor. That was never my scene, like I said, I'm wasn't into being her pet.

I prefer to think of myself as a switch, and when we played like that I enjoyed it.

Elsa, was like me, femme, maybe even high femme, but she switched, liked to give and receive, and I liked that. Sometimes, it's nice to be the top. Not always, just occasionally.

I wandered around the house, unable to settle. Pulling out my laptop, I scrolled through some favourite music, some news feeds, just waiting. It takes about an hour and a half to drive from Blenheim to Nelson, I watched as the clock ticked over, before phoning.

When she answered, Elsa was breathless. "Hey Nina, I just got in."

"Sorry, should I leave you to it babe?"

"No." She gasped. Just let me put my bags away, just hang."

When she got back, we started talking, it was just great listening to her voice. Before I realised, an hour had vanished. I started getting dinner, the phone resting on my shoulder. We laughed, and chatted, time just vanishing.

The next day was the same. I couldn't wait to get home, so we could talk. All day long we had texted, messages flying back and forth.

We swapped from phone calls to facetime, and messenger. Neither of us could afford the calls.

The weekend couldn't come fast enough. She opted to stay with me, her housemates were all guys, and a bit rough.

Saturday, we were just chilling, lazing around in our PJ's when Mum turned up. She wasn't even in the door before she asked. "What's Elsa's car doing in your driveway? Did it break down?"

"Hey, Mrs Ross." Elsa called from the sofa.

Mum stared at me, with a big smile on her face, as I leaned in for my kiss. As we parted, she said. "Put the kettle on love, I need a cuppa."

"Do you want one as well Elsa?" I called, trudging into the kitchen.

"Yes please."

Mum, pretty much ignored me, and headed straight for the sofa. I heard them chattering away, as I dug out some choccy bickies.

With the tea made, I wandered in carrying my tray. "Ta, Love." Mum said as I sat beside them. Mum's smile wasn't going anywhere, she looked like the cat that got the cream.

"All right, you two. What is going on here. Come along Nina, out with it."

Elsa and I both exchanged nervous glances before I answered. "Okay Mum, Elsa and I have been seeing each other. We're trying to rekindle our friendship."

Elsa sniggered a little, and Mum wasn't having any of it. "Friendship aye. Yeah right. I might be over the hill in your eyes Nina, but I am not an idiot. If you two are going out, or whatever you girls call it. At least be honest with me."

"Mrs Ross, Nina heard you and me talking, the day of the service. We are taking out time, just seeing where we end up."

"So you're courting then?" Mum spluttered.

Elsa and I giggled. "Yes, Mum, we're dating okay."

With a deep sigh she said. "Thank heavens, when I think of my two girls together, it just seems right." She turned to look at Elsa, "Are you staying for the weekend love?"

Elsa just about choked on her bickie. "Yes Mr's Ross. I'm here for the weekend, going home Sunday night."

The conversation turned slowly to more generic themes, although Mum asked about how I was feeling. I sensed she wanted to talk about Jane, but with Elsa here, couldn't.

"Mum, it's okay, I know about Elsa and Jane. It made me angry that she lied to me, but now, with time to contemplate our relationship. I can see she was using me, just like she used Elsa."

"She seemed like such a nice girl, I find it hard to understand how she could do that to you Elsa."

"Yeah, me too." I retorted angrily. "One thing though, it saved me mourning over her."

Mum looked horrified. "Now that's not right darling. She may have made mistakes, but she was still your partner."

"She was never my partner Mum. She lied to me, our whole relationship was based on a lie. She treated Elsa horrendously."

"That doesn't mean she didn't love you dear. In fact I'm sure she did." She glanced quickly at Elsa. "I'm sorry dear, that must be hard for you to hear, but it's true."

The room went a little quiet for a while. I could see Mum wanted to try and talk about it. After several goes, we finally dropped it.

The weekend was an extension of our first visit. We had so much shared history, so much in common. She read my mind, at least that's the way it felt.

We had a fabulous couple of days, we did the usual things, shopped, made fun of each other as we rummaged through the thrift shops looking for cool unearthed treasures. We went to the markets, sampled amazing fruit and vegetables, enjoyed some live music. Just a fantastic weekend.

Again it was a sad Sunday evening, when she left. She suggested staying, and going straight to work Monday morning. The thought freaked me out. The drive from Blenheim to nelson, includes a very hilly winding stretch of road. The Rai, and Whangamoa saddles are narrow steep twisting roads, and I hated the thought of her driving over there in the dark. The thought alone gave me shivers.

Tuesday night, we were chatting on messenger, and she explained that she was making apple crumble, and I was immediately envious, I loved it, and she knew it. She laughed teasingly. "Hhhhmmm oh heavens, this is so delish."

"Bitch." I growled in mock anger.

"I'll save you a slice, although, by Friday it'll be pretty dry."

"Hah, as if it will last until then. You will eat it."

"Yes I will. "She giggled playfully, "So sad really, never mind."

"Damn you're a tease." I mumbled.

"Hah, look who's talking, sending me those photos of you in that negligee. That was down right mean."

"I'm wearing it now." I purred.

"Hussy."

"A hungry hussy, the worst kind." I giggled.

"I do have something for you to eat, after you finish your apple crumble." She giggled.

I could almost see her blushing as she said it, she wasn't a natural flirt. "Now you really are teasing."

"That wasn't a tease, that was an offer." I heard her sigh. "Nina, I miss you so much. I hate being apart."

"Yeah, me too. I would love to have that Apple crumble in my hands right now."

We both laughed, before I added. "I miss you to Elsa, my bed seems so empty without you, even though you hog all the blankets."

My scrambled eggs, were ready, and I mumbled. "I gotta dash babes, love you."

The moment her voice disappeared, I was instantly lonely. Damn she had made an impression on my life. I picked away at my eggs, nothing made sense, my life was empty without her. I checked my phone, it was seven thirty, if I left right now, I could be there by nine thirty, in her arms. Leaving my dinner unfinished, I raced into the bedroom and ripped off my PJ's. I laughed, "What a loser, seven thirty and I was already in my jammies."

Pulling on some jeans, a nice fluffy top, and I was on my way. As I headed out through Canvas Town, the weather closed in and I muttered, "Idiot, what are you doing?"

I pushed aside the negatives, and turned up the music, as the wipers kicked in. The rain started, it was definitely not going to clear. Crossing over Pelorus Bridge, I could see the visibility reducing, the wipers were on constantly now, the headlights barely cutting through the fog.

Rai Valley, the sleepy little hollow was closed, even the pub hardly had any cars parked outside, and the rain was now torrential. Turn back, my mind said forlornly, but I kept going. I was on a mission, I wanted her to know how much I loved her, and this seemed like a grand gesture, a means of physically expressing my love.

It seemed weird, that my phone hadn't pinged, since the weekend we had talked and messaged constantly, the previous night it was two AM before the messages stopped. Tonight, it seemed like she didn't want to talk, that gave me a despondent slap. Maybe this was silly, maybe she didn't feel they way I did?

Another insane giggle, "Well, we're about to find out."

The road started the climb up to the top of the Rai saddle, the water cascaded down from the steep mountainous road sides, the gutters already overflowing. Water covered the road surface, and I felt the car lose traction from time to time. The fog got thicker, the demister struggling every bit as much as the headlights.

The Rai is the smaller of the two peaks, the Whangamoa, is higher, and much twistier. Already down to fifty Kilometres per hour I regretted the stupidity of my impulsive actions.

Up I climbed, and I realised, I hadn't seen any cars coming the other way for ages, I suppose people were clever enough to stay home on nights like tonight.

As I reached the top of the Whangamoa, I took a deep sigh. Thank god. That was quickly extinguished, as I came upon a pile of cars parked. As I peered into the fog, I could see there was a slip, and the road was closed. The cars were lined up waiting for it to be cleared.

I climbed out and walked up to the car in front of me. The driver wound down his window, as I approached.

"How long have you been here?" I asked

"About an hour, they said it wouldn't take long to clear, but it seems to be getting worse. Every time they get a path clear, more debris covers it up again."

The rain was bucketing down. I rushed back to my car and gathered my rain coat and umbrella. I was stopped by a man with a sign as I walked up to where the workers were trying to clear the slip.

"How bad is it?" I asked hoping to hear something positive.

"Sorry lady, it's going to be a long night here. Unless it's urgent, I'd turn around and go home. This is going to take hours to clear."

Disgruntled, I wandered back to the relative warmth of my car. At least it was dry.

As I sat in the car, my phone rang. "Hey Nina."

"Hey Elsa, how's the apple crumble going?"

"I have bad news, I was bringing you your slice, but now I'm stuck on the bloody saddle. You wouldn't believe it, there's a slip, and the roads closed."

I laughed loudly, if anybody had seen me they would think I was crazy. "What's so bloody funny." She asked grumpily.

"I'm on the other side of the slip. I was coming to surprise you." She started laughing. "You crazy bitch, what were you thinking?"

"Who's calling whom crazy, bitch."

"Yeah I know, I'm sorry. I just wanted to be with you. I miss you, I hate being apart."

"Yeah, me to babes. I hate it. I suppose you're gonna eat my piece now."

"It's not the apple crumble I want to eat."

"Stay there, don't leave." I gasped in desperation.

I jumped out, pulled my raincoat and brolly out, and marched determinedly towards the road crew. The man with the sign intercepted me. "Lady, I already told ya, this is gonna take a long time to clear."

"Yeah, I know, but can I walk around?"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"It's an emergency, my friend is on the other side, stuck as well. She can pick me up."

He gave me an unhappy glare. "What's the emergency?"

"She's dying, has cancer, and has a serious operation tomorrow. She wanted me to be with her."

"Shit." He sighed. "Stay here." He wandered of to talk to the supervisor. They both glanced at me, then he waved me over, and led me around the huge mound of boulders, rocks and shingle that covered the road. Once he got me over the other side, another guy led me around to the line of cars. Most had already turned around and left.

I saw Elsa's car, I thanked the guy, and rushed around, and jumped in her passenger door.

She was crying as we threw our arms around each other. Her mouth sought out mine, and we hugged. "God, what are you doing up here Elsa."

"Same as you, looking for love in all the wrong places."

"How long have you been here?"

"About half an hour. They kept saying not much longer."

She reached over behind the drivers seat and pulled over an ice cream container. When she prised open the lid, there was my apple crumble.

We took turns eating and sharing, kissing, hugging. After we finished, and we had talked ourselves to a stand still, she asked. "What are we going to do now?"

"I don't know. I can't just leave my car there. I suppose we just have to go back."

"Nina, I hate being apart, but I love my job, I feel like I'm doing something real, and it will make a difference.'

"I would happily give up my job, I just don't have a lot of money."

We both sighed, the situation bringing us both down. We shared a final kiss, and I sneaked away. The very worst kind of walk of shame. The workers gave me an evil glare as I walked back. My lie catching me out.

By the time I got home, I was exhausted, and crashed, but in my sleep deprived state, my mind kept going over options. I loved Nelson, and would love living there, just not sharing a house, if I was going to move, I needed to know, we would at least have our own place.

That started my search, not just jobs, but properties. It was out of reach, miles out of reach. Bloody Nelson property values were like gold.

Two weeks later, and the levels of frustration had settled in, I was at the stage I was just going to go. If I ended up on the dole, in a shared doss house, so be it. I just had to be with Elsa. That was the week the letter arrived in my mail box.

It, shocked the hell out of me, as I ran my eyes over the letter. It was a local solicitors office, asking me to attend a will reading from Jane. Unsure what to do, I rang Mum, she was as shocked as me. "Honey, she must have named you as a beneficiary in her will."

"I didn't even know she had a will." I said suspiciously.

"Honey, I know you don't think so, but Jane loved you. I was horrified the way she treated Elsa, but there was never any doubt in my mind that she loved you. That will be hard for you to accept because of the way you feel about Elsa, but she had real feelings for you."

"How can you say that Mum, our life together was based on a lie."

"Rubbish, darling obviously she wasn't going to tell you she walked away from her previous relationship, but, I saw how she looked at you, how she held you. She loved you."

"No, when I look back on it, she used me. She hardly ever paid for anything, she lived at my house, I paid for everything."

"Heavens, Nina, I'm not saying she was perfect, or even a nice person. All, I'm saying is she loved you, and if she has left you something, you should accept it, and cherish it. I'm so happy for you and Elsa, but you can't just pretend Jane never existed. She was part of your life."

Her words threw my mind into a swirling vortex. "You're wrong Mum, she was a user." That's when the floodgates opened, and I started to sob.

"Oh Honey, that's okay. Let it all go. It's all right, just let it go."

"How could she love me. She walked out on Elsa, cast her away."

"That doesn't stop her from loving you. Yes, she treated Elsa badly, but we don't know why it happened. That girl loved you Nina. I know you love Elsa, and that's okay, but you have to acknowledge your feelings for Jane. You won't get closure until you do."

"I do love Elsa Mum."

"Yes Honey, I know that."

Jane's parents were already at the solicitors when we arrived. Her mother looked uncomfortable with our arrival. She walked over and we hugged, although it was forced, and cold. Her father refused to acknowledge our presence. We sat in stony silence until we were called into the offices.

We went through all the preliminaries. Then they read out the terms of the will. Jane had left the entirety of a small life insurance policy to me. Fifty thousand dollars.

Her parents although shocked, didn't really want anything to do with it.

I wanted to try and say something nice to her parents, but they just wanted it to be over. They weren't interested in the money. All they wanted was to close the door.

I felt sad, their only daughter was dead, and they didn't care. I wanted to shake them, scream at them. Mum sensed my anguish, and led me outside to get some air.

"It's not your fault Nina. We have to let them deal with their grief, their way. We all grieve differently."

After Jane's parents left, we walked back in and signed the paper work. It was hard to focus, my mind wouldn't settle. At home, Mum made us a cuppa, and we sat at the table.

"Now what are you going to do Nina?"

"I don't know Mum, all I can think about is Elsa. I want to be with her."

"What's stopping you?"

"Money, she lives in a house she shares with a couple of guys. I hate the thought of that."

"With both of you working, you can afford a place of your own, surely?"