Choices

But now I had a chance to live the dream I had 2 decades ago. Marcie was gone (God rest her soul), and John still wanted me. Could I pass up the opportunity to fill that piece of me that had been missing all these years? I didn't know if I could.

*****

HENRY

It was nearly dinnertime when I finally got back to the house. I had mostly just driven around. I did stop for lunch, and for some reason I made a point of avoiding any of Scott's places. Somehow, in my mind, he carried some guilt and responsibility here and he wasn't getting my 5 bucks. That'll show him.

Gina had something simmering on the stove. She came to me and tried to hug me but I held her back.

"Henry, I..."

"Not until I know exactly what it is you're after. I'm calm enough now to listen, but no more of this beating around the bush. Tell me exactly what you are getting at and do it quickly. It's not a divorce and it's not an affair, or so you've said. What the hell is it, then? What did you mean by sharing you?"

"I want you to understand, Henry, that I love you very much. But I also love John. I loved him then and I never stopped. I was able to deal with that for 20 years and dedicate myself to you because we were all happily married, and I have been completely faithful for that whole time. But you have to understand that before you and I met I spent time imagining myself married to John. I had planned our future together, and when that didn't happen I felt incomplete, like a part of me had been snatched away."

"Get to the God damn point, Gina."

"Okay, okay. What I'm suggesting is, well, that I would live with John, as husband and wife, part-time. I would then be with you the rest of the time. The specifics would have to be worked out, of course."

As she finally said what her idea was, I felt a large pit growing inside my stomach. An affair would have been bad enough, but this was even worse, assuming she meant what it sounded like she meant.

"So what, like one week you'd live with him and one week you'd live with me. Something like that?"

The pain was evident in my voice. All the bluster and anger I had walked in with was gone and had been replaced by sadness and pain. I think she realized it, too, judging by the look on her face.

"Well, like I said, the details would need to be worked out. That's certainly one possibility, though I would insist that you get a majority of the time with me. It seems only fair." This last line was thrown in, I think, to assure me I'd still be the 'first husband'.

"And I assume that when you say live 'as husband and wife' you mean having sex as well?"

"Well, yes. That's part of love and we'd want to express that."

I was trying desperately trying to even wrap my head around what she was suggesting. I was killing time by asking clarifying questions, which she took to mean I was actually considering this. I knew there was no way I would share her, whatever that may mean, but I had to get my wits about me before I let on.

"And where are we living when this is happening? Are you staying in the house while John and I come in and out? Or would you move back and forth between us, like some sort of bizarre custody agreement?"

"Well again, Henry, those are details that would need to be worked out. We could certainly figure out what's best. What do you think? John is on board with the idea."

"So he knows. Was this your idea then?"

"Well, it was sort of brainstormed. He said he wished he could be with me; I said it's too bad you guys couldn't share me; he said he'd be willing. And it just went from there."

"Of course he's willing. He goes from none of you to some of you. Why wouldn't he be willing? He gets some cheap and easy pussy without the full time commitment. That's win-win for him."

"I am not cheap and easy, Henry. He loves me and I love him."

"And if I say no?"

"What do you mean?

"What if I say no, I won't share you with John? What happens then?"

"Well, I guess...that would...mean I'd have to choose."

I knew exactly what that meant. That simple statement ended my marriage, because if she had any intention of staying with me she would have said something to the effect of 'I'll just tell John it's not happening'. That she had phrased it as a choice meant that she was just trying to find a way to break it to me, to let me down easy.

"I see. Okay, well I guess that says it all. I'll find somewhere else to sleep tonight and get an attorney in the morning."

I walked out into the garage and suddenly the sun didn't seem quite so bright. I had lost the desire to work on the Malibu. I had no intention of living here any longer than necessary, and I was taking the car with me so at some point soon I'd need to get it ready to move. We would sell the house or they could buy my share of it, but I wouldn't live here. I was aware that at no point had Gina suggested my assumption was incorrect. At some level she knew she'd choose John if it came down to it, so when I said no the choice had already been made.

I went into our bedroom and began packing enough clothing for few days. As I hauled the suitcase out to my truck, Gina still sat at the kitchen table. Her head was down and she was staring into her coffee, making no effort whatsoever to stop me. I found it telling that I had shed tears over this but she had not cried at any point. That said to me that she wasn't really sad to see me go. Hell, she had my replacement, the man she really wanted, all lined up, so why should she be. What a waste these 20 years had been.

I walked out the door and still Gina neither moved nor said anything. I climbed into my truck and headed across town to a Motel 6. It was cheap and all I needed was a bed. I'd make more permanent arrangements in the next few days. I again drove by John's apartment building without thinking about it, though my feelings this time were decidedly different than they had been the first time, because now I knew he was aware of what was going on.

There are still no suspects of who might have tossed that rather large rock through his windshield late that night.

*****

JOHN

When I found my broken windshield I knew immediately who had done it, but I kept it to myself. Even if I could prove it, which ultimately I couldn't, there was no way I would turn Henry in, especially considering the circumstances. I know Gina planned to speak with him about the talk we had, so his reaction was not only understandable, but to be expected.

I felt bad; I really did. But I had loved Gina for years, for longer than I had loved Marcie. I probably loved her even more than I did Marcie, and I loved Marcie a lot.

When the ladies started talking to me about getting back into the dating pool, even just a toe dip, I was reluctant. I was starting to come out of my mourning period for Marcie but the idea of another woman was hard to fathom. I had truly loved 2 women in my life (well, not counting family) and I couldn't imagine there being another one out there that could fill either of their shoes. Since Gina and I were still friends and saw each other regularly, I just knew that anyone I was with would be in constant competition just by being next to Gina, and Gina would win every time.

I only actually confessed my continued love for Gina to her alone; I hadn't included Andrea or Lisa in that conversation, for what I think are obvious reasons. I was actually surprised when she told me that she still loved me as well. I'm ashamed to admit that, when I heard that, my thoughts of concern for my friend's feelings took second to my hopes that maybe Gina could finally be mine. I didn't want to hurt Henry, but I wanted Gina even more.

I asked if she was truly happy in her marriage and she said she was. I expressed my desire for her to leave Henry and be with me. I'm sure part of her wanted to, but she did love him and had a loyalty to him. It was actually her idea, which again I think she said half in jest, that it was too bad Henry and I couldn't share her, like those people that live two lives in two different cities with two different families. I think I surprised her when I said I'd be up for it. After all, having her for a couple of days per week was better than nothing.

That got her thinking that maybe it would work, if she could just explain it right. I told her there was no way Henry would go for sharing someone that had been his exclusively, and that by even mentioning it there would be consequences.

But she was hopeful that Henry would be willing, especially if it became a choice between that or losing her entirely. The implication there, obviously, was that she had me as a fall back plan, and I was surprisingly okay with that. I was going to get her at least part-time either way, and if Henry reacted as I probably would if I were in his position, I'd probably get her fully.

In my mind, I had convinced myself that whatever happened was ultimately Henry's decision, and if he and Gina split then it would be his decision and therefore his fault and my hands were clean.

*****

HENRY

I got up at 5:00 the next morning and took a cab back to the house. Gina normally wouldn't be up for a few hours and I needed some time to get the tires back on the Malibu and pack up my parts and tools. I was almost done when Gina appeared at the door passing from the house to the garage.

"Sorry if I woke you. I'll be gone shortly."

"You didn't wake me. I can't sleep without you."

"I guess you'll have to get used to it."

"You were just going to sneak in and leave without a word to me? Do I suddenly mean so little to you?"

"You really don't want me to answer that, Gina."

"I really don't want you to leave. I love you, Henry. You probably don't believe me, but I do. I gave you the best years of my life, Henry, and I'm prepared to share the rest of them with you, too. But I love him, too, and I feel like my life would be incomplete without sharing some of it with him. We don't have to end, Henry. It would just be...a new normal."

I got a little pissed. "You must think you're pretty hot shit that you think after 20 years of having you all to myself that I'd be okay with having you part-time. The thought of two men being willing to share you and just being happy with whatever time you assign to them must be quite the ego boost for you."

"There's no need to be hurtful, Henry. And no, I don't think I'm 'hot shit' as you so elegantly put it. I'm just a woman who happens to love 2 men and is trying to find some middle ground."

"You don't need to worry about it. We'll be divorced soon enough and then you can be with the person you've always really wanted. I'm glad I was a suitable placeholder until he was available."

Against my will I started to tear up a bit. I felt like a complete failure. I mean, what man just loses his wife like this, without actually doing something wrong. The only answer I could come up with was that I simply wasn't worth staying married to. I wasn't good enough. I was, well, a loser. And I had lost.

"Henry, please don't think that I thought of you that way. I married you with every intention and expectation of being with you happily for the rest of my life. You were my man, not a placeholder, okay? I hope you know that."

"It certainly doesn't feel that way. It feels like you could hardly wait for the opportunity to push me aside. But it doesn't really matter anyway."

"Of course it matters, Henry. You matter and I never meant to hurt you. This was never the plan. It just happened."

"Yeah, well, I'm sure that will comfort me as I lie alone in bed while the woman I spent my entire adult life devoted to is in bed with someone that was supposed to be my friend. You can both go to Hell."

*****

I sleepwalked my way through work that day. On my lunch hour I made an appointment with an attorney for the next day, and after work I went to the bank to separate our funds into accounts for me and for her. It seemed unfair since she'd be leaving me for someone perfectly capable of supporting her to her accustomed level, but I knew the reality was that we'd probably be dividing things right down the middle. Under the circumstances I hoped to avoid alimony, and it would be nice to get a majority of our assets, but I guess we'd see how that shook out. In any case neither of us would be hurting for cash.

I stopped by the house later in the evening planning to pick up some more of my things. Without really thinking about it I pulled into the driveway and clicked the garage door opener button. As the door went up I realized there was a very familiar Mercedes parked in the spot my Malibu used to occupy. That sure didn't take long. I just stared at the damn car for a minute, and as I sat there I saw the kitchen door open and Gina appear in the doorway. I presume she heard the motor for the garage door opener kick in. Our eyes met briefly before I backed out of the driveway and pulled away.

My phone rang moments later. No prize for guessing who it was. It went to voice mail and I listened to it when I got back to the hotel room:

"Henry, I'm so sorry you saw that. I wasn't expecting you tonight and I got lonely and sad. It was poor taste to have him in the house, especially this soon, but I didn't realize that until I saw your face. I really am very sorry and it won't happen again."

*****

GINA

Damn it!

I still had some hope that Henry would consider my suggestion. I knew he was upset and that was not unexpected, but I hoped our love for each other would make him okay with at least trying this arrangement.

Maybe he'd like it, at least on some level. He'd have more time to work on his cars while I was with John, for example. Maybe we could work part of the schedule around those car shows he enjoys so much. I mean, if he's out of town he wouldn't really even notice that I wasn't there.

But he came by unexpectedly and that was a real setback. He hadn't said he was stopping here and I was lonely and upset, and I had called John and asked him to come over. Nothing sexual had happened, unless you count making out on the couch, and nothing would until we had figured this out. Henry was still my husband and I intended to respect that.

But Henry probably didn't see it that way. He opened his own garage door to see John's car parked there, and he probably saw it as him having been replaced already. This was going to make achieving my goal of keeping both of my men even more difficult.

*****

HENRY

"She did WHAT!"

The voice screaming through from the other end of the phone was that of my 18-year-old daughter, Natalie.

"Asked me to share her with Uncle John, and when I said no she left me for him," I repeated.

"What a fucking whore!"

"Nat, come on, that's your mom."

"I don't give a crap who she thinks she is. MY mom wouldn't do something like that, not to the man that has loved her for over 20 years. How fucking dare she do that."

"Look, honey, I know you're mad at her, and you have a right to be. But just remember that she's the same person that took care of you all those years. She loves you, but she obviously felt she had to do this."

"Bullshit. Stop defending her, dad. She loved you and was happy. What the hell more does she need? How the hell could she do this to you, to us? God, I hate her right now."

"I know, honey. I feel the same way, but honestly why would I want to be with someone who'd rather be with someone else."

"You're right about that, but it's like she lied for 20 years and wasted your life."

"I thought that at first, too, honey, but I got you out of the deal so it's totally worth it."

"I know, but still..."

"And you know there's always been a part of me that was outside of them because I didn't go to college with them. It's not much, but when they talked about those days it was something I couldn't join in on. I'm not happy about this, but I'm just going to have to make the best of it."

"I know you will, daddy. Let me know if you need anything, and my friends and I are always available for you to take out to dinner to make you feel better."

We shared a laugh and I felt better. At least I wasn't the only one that thought this was wrong.

*****

I was at lunch the next day when my phone rang. I assumed it was Gina again but it was Scott's name that appeared on the caller ID. Hmm.

"Henry, how are you?"

"That depends on how much you know."

"We know everything. John and Gina clued us in last night."

"Then I imagine you know how I'm doing. What's up?"

"First of all, we wanted to say we're sorry about what's going on, and that we didn't know anything about it. Gina mentioned you were kind of pissed off that we had all kept her original relationship with John a secret. I hope you understand there was nothing malicious about that; we just thought it would be better if you didn't know. We'd probably make a different decision now, but we were young and figured what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you."

"Sure Scott, I get it. I was mad about that at first but I may have done the same thing in your shoes, so I have no hard feelings about that."

"Andrea, Bill, and Lisa will be glad to hear that. The other thing is that, well, we know you and Gina were supposed to host this week but we thought that would be awkward, so we're moving it to Bill and Lisa's."

"That's fine. I won't be going in either case so where you have it doesn't matter to me."

"I thought it might be a little too soon, but I didn't want you to think you weren't welcome. Just let us know when you're ready."

"Sorry, Scott, I guess I wasn't clear. I won't be coming again...ever."

"Look, I know this is rough, but we're your friends and we're not just going to let you be alone. We didn't let John do it when Marcie died and we're not going to let you do it now."

"I appreciate the thought, Scott, I really do, and I have no particular ill will toward the rest of you. But obviously those are different situations. I simply refuse to be anywhere those two are. They betrayed me and I refuse to have anything to do with them, at least socially, ever again. But I understand that the rest of you are caught in the middle through no fault of your own, and it's just better if I remove myself. It wouldn't be fair to put you guys in a position to choose. This whole thing started with the girls back in college, and really the three of you guys, too. I'm the outsider, so it's best that I be the one to move on."

"I really don't know what to say, buddy. I understand your reasoning, though we never thought of you as an outsider. You may have been the last one to the party, but you were still one of us."

"I appreciate that, I really do. But I just won't be able to sit there and chit-chat with them like nothing happened. I don't blame the rest of you, but I sure as hell blame them, and I can't say what would happen. If the opportunity presents itself for us to do something without either of them, well, that's something I would consider. But that's the best I can do."

"What about Natalie? I mean, she'll probably get married one day, give you some grandkids. At some point you'll have to deal with them, won't you? What then?"

"Hopefully that's a little ways off, and maybe by then I'll be in a place where I can at least tolerate them. If not, well, I'll have to figure something out."

As I hung up the phone it really hit me that my entire life was centered on being married to Gina. All my friends had been hers first, if only by a few years. I hadn't really nurtured any friendships outside of that. Sure, there were people at work I thought of as 'friends' but they were really just acquaintances; I didn't hang out with them outside of work. I guess it was time to think about changing that; or at least doing something.