Clarksville

True to form, Drew was a trooper. Rubbing her back, feet, ass, whatever hurt at any moment. Adjusting the temperature in the house when she was hot or cold, even if this changed by the hour. He ran and got her whatever she wanted to eat if they didn't have it and never complained when she bit his head off for no specific reason. Tess would feel bad later and cry on his shoulder for being such a "bitch". Drew let her cry but always told her everything would be fine... because that is exactly what he thought.

March 19 was the first day of spring break. At 11:03 AM central standard time, Drew's cell phone rang. He was under the hood of a 2013 Volvo C70 convertible trying to discern the source of an elusive rattle when the RPM's hit 4,000. He stepped back, so he could straighten up and looked at his phone. It was Tess. He answered immediately

"Fuck, oh Fuck Drew come quickly, come now, my water broke, and this little fucker is kicking the fucking shit out of me. Oh it hurts so bad... why did you do this to me you mother fucker... oh fuck, fuck fuck, Drew baby, please hurry."

Having lost track of how many "fucks" a person could place in a sentence Drew ripped off his coveralls and would have jumped into his bronco in only his boxer shorts if one of his guys hadn't thrown him his jeans. He raced home, collected his filthy talking wife who was all but incoherent by this time, blaming him for everything under the sun. They made a beeline for the hospital.

Upon arrival, the natal team quickly brought them into a prep room where they were met by their OBGYN. She was quiet and steady since this was clearly not her first baby delivering rodeo.

"I'm fucking dying doc" Tess wailed as they laid her back on the bed placing her feet in the stirrups so her doctor could assess her progress.

"Tess don't be mellow dramatic," her doctor chided with a smile. "Of course, it hurts baby. But if you think this is bad, wait until your kid is in middle school and knows everything about everything and you are just in the way. That is real pain sister!"

As the doctor examined Tess, she suddenly became quite serious. "Tess, listen to me carefully. You are going to be fine, and the baby is going to be fine but this little one is breach so I'm going to move quickly to a c-section. She then firmly gave specific directions to the medical team in the room. Before leaving she turned to Drew who was looking a little pale.

She touched him on the arm, "It will be fine Drew, this isn't unusual. You'll have a newborn within the next 10 minutes, but I must move quickly, so I need you to stay here." She then barked a few orders moving her team along in earnest. Tess was whisked out of the room before he could kiss her. He shouted after her, "I love you!" By that time Tess was fixing her wrath on some other mother fucker as another contraction hit her!

It was only fifteen minutes when the doctor returned to Drew. She had a smile on her face, but also a look of discomfort he couldn't quite discern. Drew jumped up, but she asked him to sit back down while she plopped on the edge of the bed removing her surgical cap.

"Drew everyone is fine, both mother and baby. Tess has delivered a nine-pound baby boy." She paused and allowed Drew to take this in, she could see his eyes brimming with tears.

"They are OK, right doc? Can I see them? Can I hold my son? Where is Tess now?"

What the doctor said next was mostly true, but she was struggling to find the words. "The C-section was tough, but Tess pulled through just fine. She lost a bit of blood and had a minor fainting spell right after the delivery. She will be OK, but she hasn't held the baby yet. I'm going to give her a bit more time, maybe 20-30 minutes while getting some fluids in her before we bring the baby in."

"But there's something else isn't there doc?" Drew had picked up on her uneasiness. "Is my son truly alright?"

"Drew the baby is perfectly fine and healthy. I think you and I should walk to the nursery now and see him." If Drew thought it was odd the doctor never called the baby his son or their son, he never said. A moment later, just outside the glass looking into the nursery Drew's world collapsed. The nurse brought a bouncing baby boy with the nametag Vandermoss on his wrist over to the window. He looked up at Drew with the most beautiful dark brown eyes Drew had ever seen. His skin was a very light brown, and his hair was a dark black.

"What, I don't understand doc, is there some mistake here? This can't be our son." Drew was shaking.

"Drew what I can promise you is this is the child your wife delivered a few moments ago. Tess had no fertility treatments, so this child was naturally conceived. This child is Tess's son."

Drew's mind was spinning out of control. He leaned back against the wall trying to catch his breath, "Is it possible that we could have produced a child of this skin tone and these color eyes?" He asked trying to make sense of what he was experiencing.

"Drew, I see no way medically that the two of you could have naturally produced this child. Did you and Tess come up with an alternate plan without my knowledge? I'm sorry to ask Drew, but this is important to you and your family."

"No plan of which I'm aware doc" Drew said with a distinct edge now in his voice. "Apparently my wife made her own plans and carried them through without my knowledge as well... shit..."

"Drew, Tess will be fully awake in a few minutes and in need of your support and love when we bring in her child. Can you muster the strength to offer her care right now... at least for today?"

The words "her child" sent chills down Drew's spine. "How could this be? How could this be" He kept mulling over in his mind. The doctor, who had never had this experience with a newborn remained silent and let him think. "They sure as shit don't teach you this in med school" she thought.

Suddenly it hit Drew like a ton of bricks. He whispered quietly looking at the floor. "BE... oh my Lord, BE." Did she have so little faith in his ability to get her pregnant that she turned to this young man? Was she that desperate that she hadn't even discussed it with him? So many questions where whirling around in his mind.

He looked at the doctor in stunned silence; finally, he spoke. "My wife tutored a young man for four months right before we found out she was pregnant. He is black. It must have been when they were together..." his voice trailed off as he leaned against the wall afraid he was going to pass out.

The doctor quickly moved him into a chair in a small office right off the hall where they could talk privately. She was deeply alarmed. "How old is this young man, Drew? Is he a student at the high school?"

Drew looked at her with empty eyes for a moment as if trying in vain to comprehend her question. Finally, he shook his head as if to rid himself of the cobwebs. "BE is Eddie Stillman and he is an adult. He will be twenty in about two months. He must have been about nineteen when they..." he never finished the sentence.

The doctor talked with Drew for several more minutes helping him begin to process what was happening. She couldn't imagine a bigger soul-crushing moment. She was a tough cookie, but she shed a few tears as they spoke. She urged Drew to stay and be with Tess. "No matter how hard this is, it will be better if you go through it together, for the time being."

Drew didn't know what to do. Most men wouldn't if they were in his shoes. Betrayal is a harsh taskmaster. The pain of someone to whom you have given all your trust violating it is hard to comprehend. To a man, knowing his wife has willingly been with another man can destroy his self respect. Without a healthy pride in who he is, a man becomes a shell of his former self. Drew was fighting hard to keep some since of dignity even though it was just him and the doctor.

"Drew you don't know that Tess wasn't an unwilling participant. Perhaps he took advantage of her, even forced her. Maybe the shame was more than she could bear so she kept it from you. You must give her the benefit of the doubt."

Drew was surprised at how much this made sense to him. "Yes" he thought, "Maybe Tess was forced, and she couldn't tell me. I need to give her a chance to explain." "OK doc" he said, "You're right, I need to be with her and listen to what she has to say."

When they entered her room Tess was propped up and was coming around pretty well. She reached for Drew and with all the fortitude he could muster, he went to her and hugged her. "Baby, I'm so sorry I said all those terrible things to you, I didn't mean any of them, it just hurt so bad. Is our baby OK, where is he or is it she?" Tess realized she has passed out prior to finding out if their child was a boy or girl.

"Tess, it is a healthy baby boy, and he is fine," Drew assured her, "They are bringing him in any time now. The doctor told me how hard it was, I'm glad you're OK." Even in his pain he was genuinely thankful she was physically OK.

At that moment the nurse wheeled in the small hospital crib with her son. Tess's eyes filled with love as they drew closer and then her mouth flew open, and she gasped. "No, no, it's not possible" she croaked. Drew had gained some composure by this point and lifted the infant out of the crib holding him tightly against his chest. Whatever the story was, this baby didn't deserve anything but unconditional love. For his part, Drew didn't want to let this moment go by without this child feeling loving arms.

He held him warmly, rocking back and forth. Looking down at his wife, who wouldn't make eye contact with him, the truth began to dawn on him. "Tess, you have one chance, and one chance only to tell me the truth. This child deserves a good life with loving parents. Is the father Eddie Stillman and if he is, did he force himself on you? Did he hurt you? Or was your sex by mutual consent? Please Tess, the only thing I can't handle is a lie."

Tess was crying now, unable to hide her guilt. She could say it was forced and Eddie would maybe go along with it, but she knew she would never do something like that to him. "No" she whispered, "It wasn't forced. Oh, my Lord Drew, I'm so sorry, I had no idea, what have I done? ... what have I done?" She melted into a thousand tears.

Somehow, Drew kept his cool while holding the baby. He didn't flinch or tense up; he cradled the child with loving arms while tears of emotional desolation streamed down his face. He said nothing for about three minutes which seemed like an eternity. The baby was sleeping in his arms. Finally, leaning over the bed he gave him to his wife, "You need to hold your son Tess, he needs to know you will always love him."

Tess took him in her arms even as her tears continued to flow. She knew Drew was right. This was her child, her son. He would grow up with her, take his first steps, speak his first words, play ball, get in trouble, do good, fail, and succeed all with her by his side. At that moment she was devastated at what she had done to her husband, but she agreed, it wasn't the baby's fault. He should feel only love.

After she nursed him, rocked him and he fell back asleep she asked the aide to take him back to nursery. They would decide on a name tomorrow she informed her. Drew had sat patiently in the chair next to her bed allowing her uninterrupted time with her newborn. Now they were alone with one another for the first time since the prep room. Now they were alone with the truth, the future, and the worse nightmare either of them could ever imagine.

Tess reached for Drews hand. He flinched a drew back. She sobbed.

He couldn't bring himself to look at her but began to speak. "Your parents and mine plan to be here in the morning. I'll leave it to you to tell your folks, I don't know how, but I'll find the words to tell mine."

"Drew I..."

"Please don't say anything Tess. I have no words for the hurt I feel now, for the pain of your betrayal, but also what your actions are going to mean to that beautiful child we've both held."

They sat in silence for the better part of an hour, both lost in their own thoughts. They could hear the celebratory conversations of other new moms and dads in the adjoining rooms. Laughter, relief, hope for the future, all cascading around them but impossible for them to experience. Like a man dying of thirst in the desert sees an oasis, any hope for a new refreshing spring was only a figment of their imagination.

Tess was trying to comprehend the ramifications of what she had done which could never be undone. She wondered how she could have been so caught up in a few hours of crazed sex to not realize it could change the trajectory of her entire life and the lives of those she loved. "Loved" she thought, "How can I even say I loved Drew based on what I did to him?" The tears came again.

For his part Drew was mostly numb. His wife, whom he adored had tossed him aside for some young stud. Had she ever really loved him? She had to have, or she wouldn't have married him. Was that right or just his assumption? They had so many good memories in the 9 years they had known each other. The look in her eyes always spoke of love, but maybe it was all a ruse, maybe he was just a security blanket to be kept in place while she enjoyed her life. He wanted to die.

Drew rose to his feet which startled Tess. "Are you leaving me?" She asked with trembling lips.

"I'm going back to the house to try and collect my thoughts. I must figure out what I'm going to say to my mom and dad. I don't want to get ahead of myself Tess, but obviously everything has changed, and it will never be the same. I feel so lost and alone..."

Somehow Drew was able to compose himself enough to call his mom and dad with the news. They took it hard, saying some unpleasant but not inaccurate things about Tess. Drew asked them to call his brothers and then suggested they not come to Clarksville for the present. They agreed to his wishes.

Tess had a tougher time with her parents. She had to repeat herself several times before the truth began to sink in. They asked how Drew had reacted, she replied she wasn't sure. Tess explained the hour or so after the delivery when Drew held the baby and sat with her but also confided she had no idea if he'd ever come back. She admitted how awful what she had done was, but also asked her mother to come be with her when it was time to take the baby home in two days.

Tess grew up in a home where her parents still spoke Dutch. She wasn't fluent enough to converse, but Tess did understand it. Her mother now only spoke it when she was excited or upset. "I'll be there Tess," she replied, "Ik hoop aleen dat je een huis hept om nar toe te gaan!" Translated, "I just hope you have a home to go to!"

Two days later Miriam (Mir) Jensen loaded Tess and her grandbaby boy into her Toyota Forerunner. Tess had named him Michael Levi. She thought it sounded good with her maiden name which she assumed she'd be returning to in a few months. She had texted BE, telling him her idea but also to see if he wanted to offer suggestions. He told her the name she selected was a fine name.

Drew had not returned to the hospital or answered any of her phone / text messages. She was beyond nervous when they pulled into the driveway. His car was gone, but there were lights on and the shades on the windows were up. He must have assumed she was coming home, that was a relief. Her key working in the front door lock was her second good sign. It was the last one.

Mir took Michael upstairs and placed him in his crib as he continued to sleep. She left Tess in the kitchen starring at an envelope with her name written on it in Drew's handwriting. Her hands were shaking. She knew she had to open it but she could only assume what was written would be her husband's reaction to her ugly and selfish choices. She sat down at the table.

Tess,

By now you are home. I hope you and the baby are safe and healthy. You will find I have stocked the refrigerator and kitchen pantry with everything I could think of. I'm pretty sure you have enough diapers for a couple of months.

I've left Mitch in charge of the shop for the rest of the week. Since it is spring break, the appointments are about half of what they normally are. I'm getting in my car and driving. I don't know where I'm going or when I'll be back, but I need to clear my head and think. Right now, it feels like a dark cloud has enveloped me and I'll never escape.

My emotions go back and forth between

• Confusion: Why did you do this? What did I not give you that you needed sexually?

• Anger: I feel mostly hate for you right now. I thought we had a wonderful life / marriage but now I discover you were dissatisfied with me but never willing to tell me. Do you know how stupid that makes me feel? What right did you have to do that to me?

• Sadness: My life as I knew it is over. You needed more, you went and found it and now I'm the odd man out. The guy who couldn't keep his wife. I don't think I'll ever be able to trust another person again and that makes me so very sad.

• Lonely: Ever since I met you, I've never felt alone, even when we were dating and not always together. Now I feel completely alone, cut off from the person I thought was my soul mate.

• Despairing: I have no hope

I'm not leaving you (yet) or leaving Clarksville or my business. I'm taking a road trip for somewhere between a week and a month to think and clear my head. I haven't closed any accounts, nor have I filed for divorce. You won't answer the door any time soon and find a process server handing you an envelope. There is plenty of money in our joint checking account (15K) and you have whatever is in your account from your teaching job. All our bills are current, nothing is due for over a month.

As I said, I'm not sure where I'm headed except to say, nowhere in particular or important. I just need to drive and get away. Please do not attempt to contact me while I'm gone. I'm giving you my word I will be back and at some point, we will talk. BTW, do you remember the first slow song we danced to? Zucker's This is how you fall in love. I thought that would be our song forever... now I think of the lyrics and they only sound like a sick joke.

Drew

Tess dropped the note on the table, buried her face in her hands and sobbed. Mir came and held her daughter. She rocked her back and forth whispering, "Een bakji troost" (A small cup of solace). After several moments she led Tess upstairs to the guest bedroom, wisely avoiding her and Drew's marriage bed. She laid her down and covered her with a quilted comforter. She hummed quietly, stoking her daughter's hair until she fell asleep. Then the strong Dutch woman returned downstairs to the kitchen, sat down at the table and began to sob...

Two days later Drew work up in a dark hotel room. He looked at the cheap alarm clock which read 5:45... he assumed AM. Now he knew what time it was, he just had to remember where he was. "Oh yeah, Austin, Texas. To be specific, he recalled he was at the Fairfield Inn by Marriott in North Austin, just off highway 35 south. He chuckled to himself, "How the hell did you get here?" He vaguely remembered finding himself in Memphis, then Shreveport and at that point figuring, why not Austin?

He'd never been, but heard a good bit about the microbreweries, coffee shops and slogan, "Keep Austin Weird." Well, fuck... life didn't get any weirder than this, so I guess Austin is my home away from home" he mused as he drug himself out of bed and headed for the shower.

An hour later he found himself in downtown not too far from the UT campus at a local coffee shop. He had a strong cup of something called Costa Rico Queen along with two breakfast tacos. He hadn't eaten much of anything for the last two days and found he was famished. When he was done, he went back up to the counter, paid for a refill in his to go cup and abruptly turned to leave. As he did so, he slammed into the next person in line, a woman who looked to be about his age who was now wearing part of his coffee on her off white blouse and blue jeans.