Closing Time for Our Marriage

When Saturday came around Helena still hadn't mentioned anything about going out, but that didn't deter Jordan. At lunch he pleasantly asked her if she would be going out and Helena said she wouldn't be and wondered if they could spend some time together.

"I'm sorry but my friend and I had such a good time last week we decided to make it a regular thing, so I will be leaving around six."

"Oh, ok Jordan." And nothing more was said about it.

That evening for the first time Jordan picked up Anita at her apartment. She wasn't quite ready so she invited him in and directed him to the bar while she finished up. The irony wasn't lost on him and it just gave him more pause to think about Helena's actions. When she came out of her room Jordan was speechless at her beauty, something he hadn't notice before, but before he could say anything she snapped her fingers again to see his receipt and he produced it right away. They both laughed and complimented each other on their manner of dress.

They went to Ruth's Chris steakhouse. Jordan had been delighted to hear of Anita's mutual love of a well prepared filet as much as his during their coffee date last week so they agreed on his favorite steakhouse.

Again their conversation was light and lively. They had a thoroughly enjoyable experience together. Near the night's end Jordan grew a serious expression. He took Anita's hand in his and spoke. "You know Anita I think the biggest mistake of my life was putting off so much. I shouldn't have counted so heavily on my retirement with Helena. I should have lived more day to day. And I intend to correct that problem starting now. I have been saving money for a cruise through Southern Europe and I want you to go with me."

Anita's mouth dropped open and she was astonished at his question. After a moment or two to collect her thoughts she replied. "Listen Jordan I like you a lot, and I love the time we get to spend together. I go home with feelings I haven't had in years, but I cannot get in between someone else's marriage. My own divorce hurt too much."

Jordan started to speak but Anita interrupted. "I know you have an arrangement with Helena, but what I am saying is that even if she walked up to me right now and implored me to go with you on the cruise, I couldn't do it. My reluctance isn't about her or you, it's about me. It's something I just couldn't do."

Jordan was thoughtful and his response was measured. "You know Anita, I have given a lot of thought to it. Regardless of where our relationship goes, my marriage is over and has been for sometime. Do you remember what you told me the first time we met? You said it was obvious that I had given up on life. And you were right then, but not anymore. Jordan reached into his pocket and pulled a folded sheet of paper out and handed it to Anita. I remembered this from my college years so several days ago I started carrying it with me and I would like you to read it."

Do not go gentle into that good night Dylan Thomas 1914-1953

Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right, Because their words had forked no lightning they Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight, And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way, Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height, Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray. Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Of course Helena remembered Dylan's poem, but it brought tears to her eyes none the less as she handed it back to Jordan.

"You're going to have to give me some time to process all this Jordan."

"I do understand Anita. I'm sorry if I've offended or upset you in anyway. I will of course adhere to your wishes. I won't try to contact you. I will wait for you to reach out to me. But please, do me a favor. Don't disappear on me. When you're ready call me if for no other reason than to tell me you can't see me anymore. Don't leave me wondering, ok?"

"I won't Jordan and I'm not offended. This is such a big change for me I just need to think. You know in the short time we've known each other I've become very fond of you too."

"Another thing I want to be clear on Anita. Wherever our relationship goes will be entirely up to you. You are in control of it. If all you ever want to be is casual friends, I'll be saddened but I will readily accept it. I'm serious, whatever you want from me, I'm good."

When they reached her front door Anita turned and gave him their first real kiss. It wasn't a smoking hot knee buckling lover's type of kiss, but it wasn't a peck on the cheek either.

"I promise I will get a hold of you Jordan."

Jordan got a mischievous look on his face. "You never call me Jordie, it's always Jordan. Why is that?"

"What does your wife call you Jordan?....I'm your friend, not your wife. Besides why do you call me Anita and not Annie?"

Jordan just laughed and turned away to head home shaking his head in wonder.

Two weeks later Jordan got a phone call from Anita. Jordan had been true to his word and as much as he missed her, he never tried to contact her.

"Hello Jordan."

"Oh goodness, thanks for calling me Anita. I have really missed our time together. It's nice to hear your voice."

"I'm happy to hear your voice too. I've done a lot of thinking about us, and it's just too much too soon." Jordan's heart sank. "But I was wondering if we couldn't, for the time being anyway, just keep our time together on a weekly basis? Maybe doing coffee and even dinner now and then?"

"Of course we can. You've made me really happy."

"Have I really?"

"Yes Anita, I told you our relationship would be whatever you wanted it to be, and I meant it. I would much rather have you in my life as a friend, than not at all."

After making plans to meet at their usual coffee shop that weekend Jordan was a very happy man. He was never impetuous, well at least not until he met Anita, so he made some critical decisions about his future. Just before he left to go meet her for coffee Jordan went to Helena and told her he was leaving.

"I'm taking off now Helena, but I would like to give you something before I go." He ceremoniously pulled the post-nup out of his pocket and tore it into several pieces then handed them to her. "I'm not holding you to this any longer; you have to do what's best for you and quit worrying about my feelings. I truly hope you find what you are looking for." While he was re-acquainting himself with Dylan's poem he realized that in her own way Helena too was 'raging against the dying of the light.' Although sad he was no longer angry, and in his mind what was left of his marriage wasn't worth fighting for.

Had Helena not been so wrapped up in her own desires she might have questioned Jordan's sudden and dramatic change of heart. But since she wasn't seeing past her own needs all she said was, "Oh thank you Jordan, thank you. You will see that this will makes us stronger. I love you so much!" Jordan just nodded his head and went to his hammock.

As it will, regardless of man's desires to the contrary, time passed. Jordan and Anita saw each other at least once a week, but usually twice. Although they began to share brief intimacies such as hand holding, hugs held longer than just acquaintances, and brief kisses they didn't progress beyond that. Their many conversations were mostly about their shared desire to travel, sports, and other forward looking subjects. Jordan knew he was drawing closer to Anita and felt sure her feelings were mutual.

Contrary to his blossoming deep friendship with Anita, his roommate like association with Helena was cordial but growing more distant by the day. Jordan wasn't blind and he could tell that Helena was actively engaged in sex with others outside the marriage. She was very circumspect about it though. He never saw any of her lovers or observed anything that would indicate she was being unfaithful. He really didn't care anyway.

After several months of what Helena thought was the most lust filled and exciting time of her life, an odd thing began to happen. Initially the highly erotic and passion filled evenings she spent with other men began to become more mundane. At some point she realized that while when she first started her quest she had numerous orgasms they had started to dwindle. The two to three nights a week spent in another man's bed were becoming routine. She hadn't even had an orgasm for the past couple of weeks. She also found herself thinking about Jordan more and more while she was with her lovers. After about six months of this 'new' life she knew it was time to reconnect with Jordan and reestablish their marriage.

One night when they both happened to be at home together eating dinner, Helena asked if they couldn't go outside on the deck and have a conversation when they finished.

After they had settled into their chaises with their wine, Helena started in.

"Jordan I can't thank you enough for allowing me to have outside experiences. Not a lot of husbands would have allowed their wives to have experiences like this. I assure you that your generosity has only deepened my love and respect for you."

"Oh,oh this isn't good," Thought Jordan. "Well I hope you have found the excitement in your life that you were seeking."

"I did Jordie, and now I know that it is time for us to reconnect. For us to reestablish the intimacy in our marriage that we once had. I promise you that my need for outside experiences is over. All I want now is for us to spend the rest of our lives together."

Oh for Christ's sake Helena quit talking in euphemisms and say, gee Jordie I'm tired of fucking other dicks so I guess I'll settle for good old dependable you. "That's interesting Helena, what brings on this sudden change of heart?"

Helena prattled on non-stop for about twenty minutes saying some gibberish that Jordan didn't really pay attention to until she came to the point and said, "I'm ready to retire now Jordan and do all the things you wanted to do."

Shit, shit, shit! God damn it! "Well Helena you certainly have surprised me with this, I must say. Frankly I never thought I would hear that from you, so you are going to have to give me some time to absorb all that you have said. I'm shocked actually."

"Jordie, I'm so sorry that my needs hurt you. You know I never meant too, but I promise I will make it all up to you. Wait and see we are going to be great from now on."

"I know you are being sincere Helena, but please give me some time to see how we go about changing our relationship again. You know how I am about changes." With that statement Jordan got up and went to his bedroom. It was only just after nine so it was too early to go to sleep, but he just lay on his bed and pondered what he should do. He finally drifted off to a fitful sleep around two o'clock.

He was pulled from his unquiet sleep around six in the morning, a time he hadn't been awake for in quite a while, by the sound of birds chirping, which was Anita's ring tone on his phone. "What the heck?" He scrambled to answer it.

He heard her sniffling on the other end of the call. "Anita what's wrong?" He was very concerned.

"Jordan I need to see you right away. I have to talk with you right now!"

A very, very worried Jordan agreed to meet her in thirty minutes at their usual hangout. But he was not happy. Last night Helena tells him she wants him back in her life and now Anita's going to tell him she wants out of it!

He couldn't have been more wrong.

"Jordan, in the middle of the night I realized something and I just had to talk to you. I'm the one who gave up on life. I'm the one who has been afraid of change. Not you. I want you in my life. I can't promise where we will end up, but yes I will go on the cruise with you. I will go on any trip, anywhere, anytime with you." And she jumped up and kissed him long, deep, and hard. They spent the next two hours holding hands and talking about all the travel they were going to do.

"Oh, and one other thing Jordan, did I ever tell you that I own a motorhome?"

"No you must have forgotten that?"

"I got it in my divorce. I didn't really want it, but my ex loved it so much I fought him for it. Petty of me I know, but my anger was controlling my actions then. It's been gathering dust for a while now, but maybe we can get it back into road shape together?"

"You are serious, why take it if you didn't want it?"

"Well my original plan was to let it rot for many years then give it back to him when it was a pile of rubble. But as time went by I got past my anger, well mostly anyway. So I started taking care of it a little bit so I could sell it, but then you came along, so..."

Jordan interrupted. "Anita, I know you won't believe this, but last night I came to the conclusion that my marriage was dead and I had resolved to see an attorney on Monday and start the ball rolling on my divorce. Helena told me that she was through with her experimentation and wanted to rekindle our marriage. But I realized there wasn't even a single glowing ember left of it."

Six months later:

Their divorce would be final in a few days. While the divorce wouldn't necessarily be called amicable, separating their lives after 35 years together wasn't filled with screaming and name calling either.

It was though, very emotional and gut wrenching for the entire family. Initially Helena attempted to fight the divorce. Oh she knew she couldn't stop it but she did pull every delaying tactic she and her lawyer could think of in the hopes Jordan would drop the divorce, but he was determined and never wavered.

Helena had the support of many friends and family members including their daughters. That is what hurt Jordan the most. The oldest, Sidney wasn't happy about the divorce but Darby wasn't even speaking to him and in fact had made good on her prior promise not to let Jordan be involved in his third grandchild's life until he 'came to his senses' and stopped this foolishness as she called it.

He tried to convey his position to Darby so she could understand, but it was clear she wasn't listening. Darby's opinion was that her mom had been totally committed to Jordan and her family for all these years, so why shouldn't she get the chance to feel excitement again? When Jordan replied that he too had been just as committed to his family, so how come he didn't deserve what he wanted? It went in one ear and out the next. When he reminded her that as her father he was also there for her from the day she was born, she got angry and reiterated her threats. Jordan made a note to have a serious conversation with her husband Dutton. Something was off there.

While in their state there is no "court ordered" counseling provision in family law, Jordan did agree to Helena's and the rest of the family's desire for the two of them to undergo marriage counseling. It was he supposed the least he could do after spending their lives together.

Jordan thought the counselor, a very nice sensible woman named Rebecca, had a genuine desire for Jordan and Helena to find a way back.

At their first meeting Rebecca in a smooth professional but calming voice that these folks have, asked Helena what she expected out of the joint counseling.

After pausing for a moment and through her tears she answered Rebecca's questions in a halting voice. "I want my marriage back. I know it's my fault that we've arrived at this point. I was being selfish to the point of narcissism and I want to undo that and spend the rest of my life proving to Jordan that he is the most important person in the world to me.

"I am ashamed of the hurt I caused him and my family. It was unconscionable. When I look back on my behavior I can't even believe it was me who was doing it."

She turned to face Jordan. "Jordie I know what I did was unforgivable, but you have to believe me when I tell you that no matter what my actions would indicate, I never stopped loving you. It took me a while to understand it, but in retrospect those meaningless flings paled in comparison to what we shared. Not one of those men I was with ever replaced you in my heart. If I knew of a way, I would undo all of it..." She couldn't continue, she was so overcome with emotion.

Helena was being absolutely sincere, and her comments were very moving to both Rebecca and Jordan. It was very emotionally raw and surely difficult for Helena to vocalize her thoughts and feelings of guilt so directly.

Rebecca turned and asked Jordan the same question.

To be honest up to that point Jordan hadn't given a lot of thought to it and he wasn't really sure how to verbalize the depth of his emotion nor the unequivocal need for him to move on with his life. It wasn't even about Helena at this point. She was but a bit player in the stage show that was his life. A line from an old song popped into his head. "Isn't it funny how we can feel so much, but not say a word?"

After a minute or two to gather his thoughts everything crystallized for him in an instant. He took a huge breath and slowly and deliberately exhaled with a deep sigh. It was all so clear now. He spoke with confidence and without hesitation.

"You know the first twenty or so years of my marriage were exciting times. It was filled with a growing and developing love for Helena, building our family together, and establishing a career in a field I enjoyed. It was highlighted with many exhilarating milestones; our wedding, the births of our two children, birthday parties, graduations, the coming of grandchildren, etc. Really there are way too many to remember, and I loved every single minute of it.

"But frankly, the last ten years have been a dull trial; it has been routine, and extremely boring. It was like my life had been a great novel that ended, and I was just perusing the citations and indexes hoping to find that there was more substance to what had been a tremendous adventure. But I finally got to the back jacket cover and saw the author's photo and it wasn't me.

"The funny thing is, if Helena hadn't hit me with her 'dating other men' proposal I doubt I would have had the courage to do what needs doing. It didn't come to me suddenly. I first went through the usual mental anguish that I suppose any husband would when confronted with a shocking revelation by someone they thought they knew. The five stages of grief were my constant companions. I said and did some things I'm not proud of. Things that made me seem a weak victim and a mere pawn in Helena's life, and not the author of my own as I should be.

"But even that didn't wake me up completely. I don't know how it is for a woman, but a man is programmed to think of family, work, and being a good provider. I wonder if thinking selfishly comes easier to women? If it does, it isn't necessarily a bad thing. It seems odd that a woman can be so loving and giving for most of her life then become so ego-centric at some point. Would the world and mankind be better served by changing relationship definitions earlier in our lives with a new more self-centered understanding of the individual needs of both men and women?