College Chronicles Ep. 12

Surprisingly, I could understand her sentiment. I'd felt the same way about asking, too scared to chase her away. Even though she was dropping a major revelation about how she had manipulated and deceived me for the past three months, I couldn't feel angry. I was reeling with confusion, definitely frustrated, a little sad, experiencing more feelings I couldn't name; but none of them were anger. Maybe she could sense that; she paused briefly, giving me space to talk if I wanted, but then went on in my silence.

"So the makeup, the clothes, the workouts... It's all been to help make you the best sissy you could be. That's why guys have been coming onto you. You look like a hot girl, all the time."

She paused, seemed to be deliberating for a second, as if she was nervous to say something. But with a sigh, she continued.

"...That, and the pills."

As soon as she mentioned that last piece, everything clicked into place. Those pills had become a part of my daily routine, so quick and mundane I had basically forgotten about them. Of course, they had to be involved. The primary factor, if anything, for such dramatic, slow changes to my body. I couldn't believe I hadn't realized sooner.

Maybe I was just wilfully blind, not wanting to know the truth because I liked it, not so secretly. Maybe I was just a dumb, horny slut. That didn't matter, because I couldn't be ignorant anymore. I tentatively inquired, fearing answers.

"Wha-... What are they doing to me?"

"Honestly? I don't really know. Just that they make you more like a girl. And, they're what's making your clit stay soft."

I reacted like she had slapped me in the face, gasping exhalation at her blatant statement of shameful fact. Her face fell in sympathy, and she pulled me by my hand back onto the couch. We sat in silence for a moment, my head reeling, Cindy's eyes on the floor. When she spoke, her voice was strangely determined.

"That's why I'm telling you all this Sami. You need to know, because you need to make a decision. I can't make it for you. He can't make it for you. You have to."

"Wha-... about what?"

"Even though the pills have changed you... It's not permanent. If you stopped taking them, you'd go back to 'normal' in a few months."

That gave me even more to consider. I could go back. I knew I should have been overjoyed, but I was unexpectedly dubious. Would Cindy still spend time with me if I went back to being Samuel? Did I even want to feel so bland and anonymous and weak again? Cindy picked up again, interrupting my my musing with another option.

"If you like it like this, you could just keep taking the three-pill. It doesn't hurt you, it'll just keep you the same. You can be a really, really pretty boy as long as you want."

She flashed me a sad smile, and I knew that even with all she was telling me, there was something behind it all, waiting to be revealed.

"But..."

I'd never heard Cindy so halting and consciously careful.

"...if you switch to the two-pill, things will start to change even more. And it will be permanent."

She stopped, and I got a sense that she was done speaking, would wait for me to respond. I took a deep gulp, and thought over the options she'd presented. Go back, stay the same, move forward. Each had its own difficulties, its own fears.

If I went back, Cindy would dump me. She would say she wouldn't if I asked her, but I knew better. The old Sami was boring; not endearing but annoying, someone you HAD to spend time with. She would tire and leave. And Jaxx would have no reason to be nice to me. His bullying would return, probably increase, given the intimacy we'd shared.

Fuck that.

Staying that way had its appeal. I loved being pretty, being watched, going to the gym and messing around with Cindy. I even loved sucking Jaxx's cock and wearing his gifts, being pampered and punished. But if I stayed, I could never compete with Natalie or Aurora. They would always pull Jaxx away from me with their heaving chests and beautiful wet pussies.

I considered the two-pill. '...change even more... permanent'. Cindy's teasing words floated through my mind, ominous but wonderful. What did she mean? Could I grow bigger tits? The thought of Jaxx sucking at big hanging breasts on MY chest sent a chill down my spine. Cindy saw, but misinterpreted.

"It's fine Sami, you should take the night to think about it. Let's get ready for--"

"--No."

"What?"

"Okay." I had newfound resolve, the decision easy. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't anxious, maybe even terrified. But still, I had never been so sure of a choice in my life.

"Okay what?" She was slow to pick up my meaning, not expecting the uncharacteristic certainty.

"Okay... I'll... I want the... the two-pill."

"Wow... Sami... Are you sure? I thought... I won't leave. If you don't, I mean." Cindy was genuinely surprised, and I knew she meant it, just like I knew that she would eventually leave me. But I made things simpler for us both.

"No I... I want to."

Tears pushed from behind my eyes, and I didn't fight. I wasn't even ashamed; if I couldn't cry then, before her, when could I?

"Thank you, Cin. You were... always right. I... This... It's just... Right. I want it. I want... More..."

She took my face in her hands, soft thumbs wiping away my tears, her own eyes carrying a telltale gleam.

"Don't thank me yet..."

She took another deep breath, looking to the floor to compose herself. This was it, the magnificent reveal.

"If you want the pill, you're going to have to ask Jaxx."

She looked up and there wasn't a trace of tears. Instead her eyes burned with intensity to match the sun, fiery determination and something else I couldn't identify that flashed dangerously.

"And that's how we kill two birds with one stone."

"Wha-... What do you mean?"

"Come on, you know Jaxx gets his grades changed. He can definitely do something for you, get Syndegaard off your ass."

"B-but... uhm... would he do that... For me?"

"Of course! Especially if I ask him. But... you'll have to ask too. VERY nicely."

The emphasis she placed on her final words told me had something in mind. Another tremor of fear or excitement or something in-between surged through me as I mustered the courage to ask.

"H-how?"

*

It was the next day, in the late evening, and I stood outside 001 with a lump in my throat. One hand's fingers nervously fiddled with the the buttons of a surprisingly bland long brown coat Cindy had loaned me, cinched tight around my waist. The other hand rested against a wall, helping me to stand without having to actively maintain my balance. My heart was beating so hard I wondered if Jaxx could feel its rhythm through the walls, knew I was outside from the percussive beat. I could imagine him smirking knowingly as he looked at the door, waiting for me to work up the courage to enter. The sweet, pungent aroma of weed rolled from around the door, and just hoped that he was smoking alone.

Cindy had explained her plan, and we'd gone to sleep, my dreams troubled and restless. We woke early the next day and skipped classes, signing out a small dance studio on campus to practice. We spent all day there, breaking only for a small lunch, and Cindy had worked me hard. But I didn't feel hungry or tired or sore. Instead I was filled with a jittery rushing energy that made it impossible to stop my fiddling fingers.

Not trying to, I reached out, surprising myself with the violence of the action, shoving the door open and barging into the room.

Jaxx was sitting on the couch, faced away from me before a large cloud of smoke. He lazily swung around to look at the door, revealing the joint hanging from his lips. One side of his mouth drew back into his horrible, horrible smile.

"Hey pussy. Why are you dressed so fucking weird?"

I thought I was prepared, but when he revealed that fucking smirk, and unfurled the crude, insulting, infuriating nickname... I lost my head. All the emotions I'd forgotten flooded back into me; the frustration I'd felt at his teasing and denial, anger at how he had made me betray Natalie and put a rift in my relationship with Cindy, fear of how powerful he was, and how weak he made me.

The door slammed shut behind me, and I was storming across the room, walking steady for the first time that evening, propelled forward by an unrecognizable fury within myself. Jaxx's face didn't flicker for an instant as I approached, throwing back a hand in a wind up.

*Slap*

The volume of the sound as my hand connected with his bristly cheek shocked me back into control of my body, and I stood in dumb surprise at my own action for a moment. He hadn't moved, was still as stone, smirking as cruelly as ever. After a second he brought a hand to his cheek, remarking drily,

"Ouch."

It was all he needed to say. Within that one word he conveyed the full measure of his disrespect, his disregard, the total inconsequence of my complex, seething emotions. I fell over the back of the couch lunging at him, all plans forgotten, just wanting to make him feel the pain and fear I felt in his presence. My hands were claws, grasping at his broad chest, trying to rip his face or clothes, something, anything to elicit a reaction other than disrespectful humor.

"Woaahh haha!!"

My pitiful attempts at violence were just that. Already unbalanced in tall heels, I half fell over the back of the couch onto him. When he'd figured out what I was trying to do, he barked out a laugh and easily grabbed my thin wrists in one hand, his other reaching around to pull me over, grabbing a handful of my ass in the process. Before I knew what happened I was sat on his lap, pinioned by his impossible strength, out of options.

The situation had definitely gotten out of control. I knew in my head that I should have played nice, that I needed Jaxx badly for two different things. I knew that the more I fought, the more I ran the chance of actually pissing him off, which would make asking for favors more unpleasant, if not doomed. But my fury was fanned by its impotence; I simply couldn't stop myself from continuing the fight, wriggling and squirming against him, kicking my legs in an attempt to wiggle free or at least put him off balance.

"Crazy little bitch. What's your fuckin' problem?"

While he spoke around the joint, he shook me as if to knock some sense into me. Even though the action must have been negligible for him, the easy violence rattled me, doused my anger with well earned fear. Suddenly, against my best efforts, tears were filling my eyes.

"Y-you! You're... such an... Asshole!"

He released my hands to wipe away the tears before they could ruin my makeup. I could feel him appreciating my silvery eyeshadow and long lashes, glossy sheen of nude lipstick making my lips tempting and kissable. Cindy had whipped out all her tricks, even spending a good half hour contouring my face, and I looked more beautiful than I thought possible.

I closed my eyes, working to compose myself and preserve Cindy's efforts as Jaxx inspected me. When two fingers lifted my chin, I knew he was eyeing the bejeweled white leather choker tight around my neck. Realizing my hands were free, I weakly beat on his chest, not trying to hurt him anymore, just expressing my anger despite his oddly gentle behaviour.

"S-... Stop... stop it..."

He wasn't really doing anything, but I didn't know what to say, expected some reprisal. Instead I heard inhalation, and opened my eyes curiously. He was directly in front of me, his bloodshot and slate eyes devouring my attention as he pulled on the joint. I didn't know when he stopped, couldn't even tell that he'd leaned forward until my eyes closed and his mouth pressed to mine, exhaling a huge cloud of hot smoke into my lungs.

I went dizzy, not sure if it was weed or the kiss. When I sorted out North and South, I was on the couch just next to him, coat still on and belted, though ruffled by our fight. One of his arms was draped around my shoulders, pinning me in, intentionally or not. The other was at his mouth for a lazy drag from the quickly burning joint. He inhaled deeply and held for long seconds, before blowing the smoke into my face.

"Why am I an asshole?"

I was taken aback, hadn't expected that. Why? So many reasons. Why couldn't I think of any?

"Wh-... You... You're... I... You--"

"--Hit this."

He was pushing the joint into my hand, and I was almost glad to have a reason to shut my mouth. I pulled too hard, realized too late, coughing out more clouds of smoke as Jaxx laughed at my rookie mistake and plucked the much diminished J from my hand.

"Woah, slow down 'pothead!'"

I was way too faded to respond to his sarcastic jibe, and he knew it. He brought the roach to his lips, then pulled away and shot me an incredulous look.

"Damn, Sami. You fuckin' drooled all over this shit!"

I burned in embarrassment, but it clearly wasn't that much of a problem for him, as he took another long, strong draw, burning it down to almost nothing. He again exhaled directly towards me, and my anger surfaced me from the cloud in around and in my mind.

"That's... this is... ugh, such an asshole! Why do you... You treat me... You're so... MEAN!"

I didn't expect my own outburst, but if Jaxx was surprised he didn't let on. His face split into the cruel smirk, and he dismissed me.

"Nah. You love it, bitch."

He said it with such assurance I almost believed him.

"But I know what it is."

If I wasn't so high, I would have been seething. Even as I was, he immensely frustrated me, telling me my answer to his question. I would have interrupted, or stood up, but for his limiting arm, and the fact that my body was too heavy to move.

"You're angry at me because I fucked your friend, and you think I forgot about you."

Fuck. He was right. Too fucking right. He didn't have to be such a dick about it though. I didn't know what to say, realized my mouth was gaping as I stared at him, couldn't close it or summon words to cover myself, lie, say anything. Jaxx chuckled, leaned over until his mouth was at my ear. He took a long inhale, and despite myself, I hoped he appreciated the perfume Cindy given me.

"Don't worry sissy, I didn't forget you."

He spoke directly into my ear, his breath hot and voice low. His words, the way he emphasized 'sissy,' the warmth and proximity of his body wrapped partially around me all sent chills down my spine and out through my extremities. I closed my eyes again in helpless protest and tried to sink through the couch, but he wouldn't let me.

"Cindy thinks you have a crush on me. That right, pussy?"

Fuck! Why would Cindy have told him that? I felt my body going hot with embarrassment, squirmed uncomfortably in his clutches, refused to open my eyes.

"I... You... Noooo..."

My protest was weak and thin; even I didn't believe it, and Jaxx laughed at me again.

"Oh yeah? I don't believe you. Why'd you come back dressed like this?"

He burrowed one of his free hands under my long coat, rubbing gently up my naked thigh. I gasped at further invasion of my personal space, hands flying down to grab his, managing to stop it just below my crotch but powerless to remove his firm grip from my soft flesh.

"I... I..."

For a second I couldn't think of anything. Why WAS I there? What was I doing, if not delivering myself to him? Then Cindy's beautiful, slightly sad face flashed in my mind's eye, and I remembered my goal. Slowly I released Jaxx's hand and opened my eyes, to find him staring expectantly into me. I borrowed Cindy's composure, speaking with unfelt confidence.

"I... need to ask you something... Two things..."

"Woww, TWO things? What a greedy little slut. I dunno... But I guess you can ASK..."

Jaxx's smirk had gone self-satisfied, like his teasing joke was the funniest thing anyone had ever said. It brought back the rage I thought he'd smothered, embers still smoldering. I impulsively swung my hand up; the angle was awkward, but I still managed my purpose.

*SLAP*

Another open palm slap, square on the jaw. He still sat like a statue, staring back at me with his glacial eyes. I noticed a new shine to them-- amusement or anger? Pulling my hand back slowly was like I'd been teasing a big cat in a cruel circus. He took a deep breath and spoke in measured tones, letting me know how close I was to being bit.

"You're more fun like this... but if you hit me again, you're not gonna like what happens."

I'd pushed him too far; I could see it the tensing of his jaw and the crease of his brow, feel it in the way his arm tautened on my shoulders. But the light in his eye was humor, an aroused twinkle that reminded me of what Cindy had said what felt like ages ago. 'Counter punch.' I literally had, and she was right.

It had worked.

I was walking a dangerous line, though. He wasn't kidding with his threat, and the hard ice of his eyes translated through his voice. I couldn't meet his gaze any longer, and looked to the floor like a naughty child.

"I'm... sorry..."

I didn't feel sorry. He deserved it. And more. But I had regained some control over myself. Through sheer, blind, dumb luck, I'd exerted my control, and I needed to walk the treacherous tightrope.

Cindy had prepared me for that feat. As she'd applied my extensive makeup, she'd coached me, reminding me that if I did things right, he would want me. More importantly, he'd want me to want him. And in that sweet spot, of power dependant on his, dependant on my weakness, I could control him.

Jaxx's big hand was in my face, snapping his fingers twice, and I started, blinking quickly. He'd broken me from a smoky daze, and chuckled at my stupor before prompting me again.

"Alright brat, what do you want?"

Thoughts drifted through my head with a strange intangibility, impossible to grasp fully. When I did string together words, I wasn't exactly eloquent.

"Uhm... I need... I... can... Can you... Uhm... Can you give... me... uhh... pills?"

"Jesus Sami, do you have a drug habit?"

A strangely cartoonist expression of horror appeared on his face. It shocked me a bit; I'd never seen him look so animated, so not-stoic, so silly. I thought it had to be genuine, and yelped to explain myself, embarrassingly high pitched.

"Noooo! The... The two-pill!"

"Oh, THAT pill..."

His face of shock disappeared into one of exaggerated thought, and he mumbled under his breath, as if he were talking to himself.

"But... Why would you want that pill? Unless... "

He tried to hide it but couldn't, the facade dropped, and his dread smirk unfurled like a rapacious pirate's flag.

"...unless you WANT to be my little sissy bitch?"

"Uhm... I... uhh..."

The sudden swing in tenor of the conversation re-scrambled my well-baked thoughts. Like he always seemed to, Jaxx simplified things for me.

"Ask me politely, Sami."

"Uhm... P-please can I... Please let me have the pill?"

His smirk widened, but he shook his head in mock frustration.

"No, no, no. Ask to be my little sissy bitch."

I blushed bright red. Cindy had said he would do this. 'He likes to play with his food.' I knew his games by then, anyway. I was prepared. It took me a few seconds, but I managed to stammer the words out.

"Uhm... please can I... Be your... S-sissy... B-bitch?"

"What do you call me, baby?"

He'd leaned in close again, whispered in my ear, his hot breath sending uncontrollable waves down my back. I closed my eyes and gasped out what he wanted to hear.

"Please... daddy... can I be your... s-sissy bitch?"

Even to me, my voice sounded faint, like I was whispering from the bottom of a well. But it was enough for Jaxx.

"Good girl. Of course. There's a bottle in your cabinet. Let me know when you need more."

So magnanimous. A true dopamine chill released when he called me 'good girl;' distracting me from the fact that he'd already known or assumed I would ask for the second pill.