Coming Clean Ch. 04

Author's Note: Thanks for all the feedback that this series has generated. It was only supposed to be the first chapter, since I knew that trying to capture Brenda's journey too would take a lot longer to write if it were to come across as even slightly realistic. I wasn't sure if I was up to that task and was worried that not everyone would be interested enough to want to read such a story, but decided to give it a go anyway. Thanks to those of you that chose to stick around until the end.

All sexual situations in this chapter are like the previous ones, with all characters being eighteen years or older.

Brian, are you awake?"

"Yeah..."

"Can I come in? I wanted to talk to you."

"Sure."

He was laying on his back in bed, and Brenda sat near the foot of the bed, looking down.

"Everything alright?" Brian asked.

"Uh, yeah," Brenda answered, "although... I guess things got a little out of hand with Jackie and Kyle there for a while."

"Yeah, it sure sounded that way," Brian said, slightly amused. Even with the door closed there was no way Brian wouldn't have heard what was going on, especially when Jackie had been shouting full-throatily for Kyle to fuck her, so Brenda didn't see the point in pretending otherwise. In fact, it seemed as good a way as any to start her conversation with Brian as well.

"I was there too, watching them," Brenda quietly admitted. "It felt weird, but for some reason I couldn't look away. Something about Kyle and Jackie; all my life I believed that such an affair is morally wrong, but when I see them... I guess I'm not so sure anymore."

Brenda looked at her son's face, his countenance making her believe that he had something he wanted to say but was lacking the courage to do so.

"You... you wish we had the same kind of relationship, don't you Brian?"

Her son retreated a bit at Brenda's words, then froze, unable to speak.

"You might as well admit it, Brian. Jackie told me a few months ago. If there's anything I'd like to get from us taking this trip, it's for you and me to be honest with each other. I feel like that hasn't been the case with us since you were a child."

"She told you?" Brian asked in surprise.

"She means well. Even if I find her infuriating at times, I know Jackie has always meant well, for both of us."

"Okay, well, what did you say?"

"I got angrier than I have in years. I screamed at her. Then I went home and yelled some more, probably threw a few things too. And then I cried for the rest of the night, feeling sorry for myself."

"My god, Mom, I'm sorry. But you can see why I never wanted to tell you... I was pretty sure you'd take it something like that. I only wish you wouldn't be so hard on yourself."

"More than anything, I felt guilty. In fact, I still do. A lot has changed in the few months since I first found out, like I've managed to mostly calm down about it, but the guilt is as strong as ever, Brian. It's obvious that I've failed you as a mother, there's no doubt about that in my mind."

"Don't be silly, Mom. You practically raised me by yourself... we both know that Dad was more of a hindrance than anything, and after he left and it was just the two of us. You took care of me and helped me get into a good school where everything is going great. It's not like I got mixed up with a bad crowd and hooked on drugs or ended up in jail or something. I'd say you have a lot to be proud of."

"I am proud of you, Brian, but somewhere along the line I screwed up. I have a kind, intelligent, considerate, handsome boy who, for whatever reason, more than anything in this world, wants to have sex with me. A son who is in college where he could easily find plenty of girls who would date him but is still a virgin because he can't shake the idea of being with me instead."

"I don't know if I'd quite put it like that..."

"Then how would you put it?" Brenda asked, her voice on the verge of becoming hysterical. Brenda could see Brian recoil from the harshness of her tone, and so she took a moment to calm herself down before continuing.

"I'm sorry, Brian, I'm trying to be as understanding as I can, but if I get angry it's with myself, not you."

"Okay fine, Mom, everything you said is true, but is it possible, just possible, that no one is to blame? That whatever happened had nothing to do with you being a bad mother? Honestly, I'd rather just accept what happened without assigning guilt, but if you really need a villain to this narrative then the obvious choice is Dad."

"Ted? What does he have to do with you and me?" Brenda asked incredulously.

"A lot," Brian replied with an air of resignation. "Much as I hate to admit it or even think about him these days, a lot."

"I still don't understand."

"I mean much of this began for me from listening to you and Dad argue all the time."

"It must have been tough considering how often that was," Brenda said, her voice instantly becoming emotional at the mere mention of those darker times. "No kid wants to see that, or feel like they have to take sides in such a thing."

"Actually, I had no problem taking your side with how often Dad was in the wrong," Brian said. "Things would get all heated between the two of you and then Dad would storm off to the basement to go sleep in the guestroom."

"Plenty of times, in fact most of time, I'd insist he go there," Brenda corrected. "Ted was just so... impossible when we'd argue."

"And that's when I used to think about coming into your room to console you," Brian continued. "I could hear you though the door, crying, and I'd imagine myself coming in.

"Why only imagine, Brian? There's nothing wrong with a son doing something like that for his mother?"

"I know, but I guess I was kind of shy."

"That never should been the case, Brian. With anyone else, maybe, but with me?"

"Well, it wasn't just that. Sometimes... sometimes you could be a bit closed off, Mom, especially after one of your fights with Dad. Trying to talk to you when you were like that was more than a little intimidating."

"I know, and that's why there's nothing you can tell me that will change my mind about blaming myself for all of this."

"You sure as hell weren't to blame for Dad's behavior," Brian countered, "and as for me... you can't blame yourself any more than I blame you, or me, for that matter. Some things just happen, and as far as I'm concerned we need to accept that."

"The funny thing is..." Brian continued, "it wasn't at all sexual, not at first anyway. All I would think about was holding you in my arms as we lay in bed together. I'd ask if you wanted me to stay the night, and you'd say something like that wasn't necessary, but we both knew that wasn't true so I would stay anyway. But that was it, maybe a kiss on the cheek or forehead, but nothing more."

"So what happened, Brian? Why did things change?"

"I don't know, I just know that over time, they did. The more I thought about us being in an intimate setting like that, the more I began to fantasize about it turning into something more. It didn't help that I saw you and Dad growing farther apart either, if you want to go back to blaming him."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Just that the worse things got between you and Dad, however, the more I found myself sympathizing with you. By the time things got really bad and I knew he was cheating on you, I wouldn't have blamed you for leaving him, or even cheating on him too. And once I became comfortable with such thoughts, it wasn't so difficult for me to insert myself into that scenario either. And so when he'd go off to sleep in that crappy guest bed for the night you and I would picture us two floors above in your room once again lying in your bed, we wouldn't be holding each and crying anymore, but passionately making love. It was mostly still a turn on, but also seemed like a fitting way for you to get some payback against Dad."

"My god Brian," Brenda gasped in exasperation. "It's still so shocking to hear talk like that about us."

Undeterred by his mother's look of astonishment, Brian continued. "You remember, Mom, when Dad would be getting ready for those 'weekend business trips.' You knew how phony those were, even if you tried to pretend otherwise. There wasn't much you could do to hide the anguish on your face."

"Yeah, I knew, but I kept silent," Brenda said dejectedly. "I guess deep down I was already sure your Dad was having an affair, I just wasn't able to admit it to myself."

"Times like that that fueled many of my fantasies back then too. Like I'd imagine Dad packing his suitcase, but instead of you looking sad and disappointed you'd be exchanging mischievous little smiles with me whenever he wasn't looking, excited that once he was out the door we'd be in each other's arms. That before his car had even left our neighborhood we'd already be upstairs in our bedroom for the weekend, joyously making love with a thirst and desire that you knew you could never feel with him."

"I'm sorry, Mom, I shouldn't let myself get carried away like that," Brian added, noting Brenda's discomfort.

"No, it's okay Brian. After all the years of feeling like we could be in the same room and yet a thousand miles apart, it's good to be able to talk to you again. And even if the subject is this uncomfortable, I'm glad you're finally able to come clean to me with all of this."

"Well what do you think?" Brian asked.

"That I need more time... maybe sleep on things."

"Sure, I'll see you in the morning then," Brian said.

"You know, if it's okay with you, I'd rather stay," Brenda said. "Hearing you talk about wanting to rescue me sounded oddly nice when you were being platonic about it. I would take a lot of comfort in doing something like that now."

"I'd love to, but it will be a little cramped on this bed," Brian reasoned. "Can we go to your room instead?"

Brian got up and they walked together out the door and down the hall to her room. It was getting late by now, so Brenda was surprised to notice that the light in the kitchen area was still on. Taking a moment to avert her gaze in its direction, she saw Jackie sitting alone at the table where Brenda had left her earlier. Jackie looked up and the two of them briefly made eye contact before Brenda continued on towards her room, with Brian following right behind her. Jackie typically wore her emotions on her sleeve, so Brenda not being able to read her friend's countenance this time was practically unnerving, but she did her best to put that thought out of her mind.

When they got to Brenda's room she took a moment to pop into the connecting bathroom. She was still wearing the robe she'd had on earlier, with her swimsuit on underneath, but the clothes she'd worn during the day, that of a simple blouse and a pair of her infamous mom-jeans were still there from when she'd changed for the hot tub, and Brenda decided to put them back on. Brian had been wearing his day clothes when she'd found him lying on his bed, and while going to bed fully clothed might not be very comfortable she had meant it when she told Brian that she wanted this night to be platonic.

**

Brenda woke up the next morning around 9 AM with Brian still sleeping soundly next to her. It hadn't been easy to fall asleep, especially fully clothed, but she had crashed pretty hard afterwards. It had actually been really nice being with Brian like this and, although they hadn't spoken again, going to sleep with his arms wrapped around her had been pleasantly tender and sweet. As Brenda slowly regained consciousness all she could think of was how wonderful that moment had been, hoping that it might be the start of a new, stronger mother-son relationship with Brian that had somehow eluded her in the past. And then memories from the rest of what had happened last night began flooding her mind: Jackie and Kyle having wild sex and the excitement Brenda felt watching them, with Jackie insisting that she wanted Brian the same way but was too afraid to admit it.

Jackie's words had been searing, enough that she had later gone to Brian's room to... Brenda still wasn't sure, but she had gone there anyway. In any event, the cat was out of the bag now, as for the first time Brian had openly spoke about his feelings towards her.

"What now?" Brenda asked herself, the butterflies in her stomach churning even more now than they had last night when she'd gone off to speak to her son. She carefully got out of bed so as to not wake Brian, and slowly made her way to the closed bedroom door when she saw an envelope addressed to her that had been pushed underneath. It was from Jackie:

Dear Brenda,

I was going to text you, but in the end decided to go with this letter instead, as I felt the need to give what I wanted to say a more personal touch.

I saw Brian following you to your bedroom last night, but of course, you already know this. I kept still, not wanting to intrude upon your moment, but inside my heart was pounding with excitement for you. I'm sorry if I've been a pain in the ass these last few months, but know that everything I did was only because I love you both so dearly. As happy as I was though, I still was unsure if what I thought happened, really happened, so I made certain of it when I woke up later in the middle of the night. As tempting as it was to peek in on the two of you, I didn't want to invade upon your privacy, so I went to Brian's room instead. When I went in and saw not only Brian gone but his bed never slept in... knowing that "it" had finally happened... I could not have been any happier for you Brenda, or Brian for that matter.

I went back to my room, flooded with memories of the morning after Kyle and I first made love, and the more I recalled the more I remembered that the joy I felt was also mixed with a fair amount of trepidation too. We needed to have a long talk about what this meant for us going forward, about setting boundaries with each other, about what our relationship was going to be, and so much more. Not that we got that much settled the first day after, but it was still important to lay the groundwork on such topics, and it really did a lot to put my mind at ease.

I have no doubt you're going through much of those same feelings today, and I think it's important for you and Brian to be alone together to try and work things out. We that in mind, I managed to drag Kyle's ass out of bed early this morning so you'd be alone for the day. In fact, we're going to find a motel room in town to stay in tonight so, and we'll see you the morning tomorrow at 9:30 AM, to pick you up for the ride home. If you think I'm overdoing it and all this is unnecessary, or want to change the plans, text me and let me know, but I hope you will trust me on this one and stick according to schedule I've outlined.

One last thing Brenda: I know you've always looked at a possible relationship with Brian from his perspective, trying to do what you thought was best for him and him only. It's an admirable trait, and proof that you're not nearly as terrible a mother as you've been trying to convince me these last few months. But I'm hoping you'll finally take the time and try to do what's best for you too now, as I've been trying to tell you ever since this whole thing began.

You're forty-eight years old, Brenda, and have always been very beautiful, both inside and out, and yet in all the time I've known you, you've never once had a lover. A few short-term boyfriends here and there, and a husband who you've admitted never really fit into that category even at the best of times. You can spend the rest of your life fixated on that, blaming yourself or Ted or whatever else for the way your life turned out if you want to. You can spend the rest of your life punishing yourself over Brian's desires, calling yourself a bad mother, or you can try and move on. As your best friend, I can only tell you this: as much as you like to focus on Brian's needs, the truth is, you need him in your life just as much as he needs you, as a son, a friend, and more than anything, a lover. I know that's a bitter pill for you to swallow, but I wouldn't be telling you this if it I didn't truly believe it. The sooner you can accept that as reality, the sooner you'll be able to find the happiness in your life that has eluded you for so long.

Love,

Jackie

"What's that you're reading, Mom?" Brian asked. Brenda looked over and saw her son still lying in bed with one arm now propped under a pillow to lift his head.

"A letter, from Aunt Jackie," she replied. "Seems that she and Kyle have gone into town to stay for a while. They won't be back until it's time for us to go home."

"Really? That sounds weird of them. I wonder why..."

"Jackie wanted to spend some alone time with Kyle," Brenda lied.

"Oh, I get it now," Brian replied.

"Actually..." Brenda began before her voice trailed off. Brenda could feel it now, that familiar sensation. It was like a tightness in her stomach, one that would make her want to instantly recoil from an uncomfortable situation. Keeping people at arm's length had been a favorite practice her whole life, including her husband, her best friend, even her son. She had been lamenting about this flaw in her personality, especially these last few months, but had never done much to address it in the way of action.

"Actually..." Brenda started again, "Jackie thought you and I needed some alone time together." No need to convolute matters and explain why her friend believed this, Brenda was at least glad to start the day off right with Brian.

"Really, what did you tell her?" Brian asked.

"Nothing. I just got the letter now silly," Jackie replied, making them both chuckle a bit. "But yeah, I think it's a good idea. As much as I came up here wanting to spend time with friends, I mostly came up here to be with my son. I mean, you've been away at school for months. It would be nice to spend some time alone together too."

"Um... okay... sure," Brian said. There was more than a little insecurity in his voice, but it was also tinged with anticipation.

"Great," Brenda said. "I'm going to go take my morning bath. My muscles are all tight, especially after sleeping in these clothes."

"Uh, sure, I'll just wait until you get back. Maybe tidy up the place a bit."

"Brenda, you idiot," she said to herself. "You just told Brian you wanted to spend quality time with him, and now you're going to go leave him alone while you soak in a bathtub for an hour."

"You could always ask Brian to join you," Brenda heard Jackie's sultry voice suggest in her mind. No, the tub was way too small for that, and besides, Brenda wasn't up to saying anything like that.

"Okay, use the shower then," Jackie's voice tittered. "It's big enough for the two of you to get each other clean and have all kinds of other fun too."

No, Brenda was serious about needing her muscles to unwind, and besides going from a heartfelt conversation last night to, "Want to have shower sex?" the next morning was more Jackie's style then Brenda's. Not that Brenda really had a style, but whatever she did have was more subtle and subdued than anything she could expect from her friend.

"You know what, Brian, I think I'd rather use the hot tub. It should do the job a lot better than the bath. Why don't you get it ready for us?"

"Us? You mean 'you.' Remember, I don't have a suit."

"I know you don't honey," Brenda said in the most low-key, assuring voice she could muster, "But it's just the two of us. Really, it's not a big deal." Brenda would never have made such a bold suggestion if her son had a proper suit, again she couldn't pretend to be like Jackie even if she wanted to, but this seemed like the best compromise for the situation at hand.