All Comments on 'Command Me'

Ingenious idea! A great start. Your erotic imagination and descriptions are arousing. If you were one of my Creative Writing students I’d give it great grades for imagination but suggest looking at your use of tenses. If we take your first line:

“ Calista was starting to get excited. She can feel her pussy tingle and start to drip.” Okay, Great opening, but you mix your tenses. If you’d written: “She could feel her pussy tingle and start to drip” you’d have been fine. Avoid using the present tense “she can feel” when you are writing in the third person. You do it a few times. Let’s look at the last sentence:

“Wow, that was amazing." they both said in unison and laughed. Calista and Iris straigten up and they exchanged numbers. Calista knows that she will be seeing more of Iris as she got home and heard her phone chime.”

If the second sentence had read:

“C and I straightened up and exchanged phone numbers. C knew she would be seeing more of I as she got home and heard her phone chime.”

Nothing here that a bit of editing and proof-reading couldn’t help with. What no-one else could do is provide the erotic charge you do, which is very powerful and well-worth the 5 I gave it. That’s why I have commented so extensively. You have a real talent, so welcome to Lit xx

@pixiehoff OMG I am a huge fan of yours! Thank you so much for your feedback! It’s been a while since I written anything creatively so I am definitely rusty. I was never a strong writer back in school and pretty much forgot about tenses in general. <3 Here’s to more pleasing grammar in ch 03! ;)

Thank you bluetart for your response to my suggestions. I think your ideas are first rate, and it’s one of the reasons I wanted to spend some time trying to help xx

I agree with the Pixie. Great intensity and detail but do decide if you're going with the present or past tense and stick with it. IMO the past tense is easier to handle: it's like the narrator's recollection of what happened. Using the present tense has its uses but is more a moment-by-moment participant's-eye view.