Completely, Enthusiastically, & Without Question - Pt. 02

Olivia pulled back the curtain to peek at Max. "You coming in?"

Max had their thumbs hooked under their waistband but they hadn't mustered the courage to disrobe completely yet. "Yeah, just a sec," they said, taking one more deep breath.

Olivia was different, right? They could do this. Maybe it wouldn't be as uncomfortable? That's what people always said, right? When they found the right person, their anxieties would fade away around them?

So why wasn't it working? Why couldn't Max perform such a simple task? They'd had sex with her, for Christ's sake!

But Max couldn't do it. They froze, still holding the waistband of their underwear.

"Are you okay?" Olivia asked before a horrified look overcame her features. "Fuck, I'm an idiot. We don't have to shower together. I'm almost done."

"No, I want to. I just need a moment," Max said, nearly convincing themself of it.

"Honey, it's okay. Really," Olivia said.

"No," Max emphasized, logging the term of affection to appreciate later. "I want to. I want to meticulously clean every inch of you, like you'd asked me to. I'm just having a moment. It'll pass."

Max waited for it to pass.

Then they waited some more.

But it didn't pass.

It was as if Max had been paralyzed and physically couldn't push their boxer briefs to the floor, no matter how badly they wanted to. They willed their arms to move, to stop being so timid about showing their body. It was an objectively nice body, they knew that. Why were they so afraid to show it off?

"Fuck!" Max yelled in frustration. They pressed their thumb and forefinger to their eyebrows. "This is so fucking stupid. I've been naked in front of people before. We had sex, like, two hours ago. I don't know why I can just pull my damn pants down!"

Olivia turned the water off and stepped out of the shower, wrapping herself in a towel and standing across from, but not close to, Max. They tried to put their frustration aside and appreciate the situation they were in. The woman they'd been pining over for weeks was standing in front of them in nothing but a towel, her hair dripping wet. And that woman wanted to drop that towel and get back in the shower to let Max run their hands all over her body until they were satisfied.

"Do you want to talk about it? Or do you want me to leave you alone? I'll do whatever you need me to," Olivia said quietly with a sincerity that Max was starting to recognize as uniquely hers.

"I don't want my..." Max paused as they continued to rub their face with their hands. "Issues... to stop me from doing what I want to do," they said, dropping their hands into fists at their sides. "There is nothing I want more than to touch you. Nothing," they emphasized, stretching their hand and releasing the tension in their fingers. They let out a sigh and smiled softly. "Because throwing a tantrum and being unable to take my pants off is really sexy," they lamented.

This was one of the ways dysphoria presented itself for Max. Their thoughts, their voice, their actions, their breath - it all became choppy. Like they were distracted by an offbeat drum banging somewhere in the distance, but nowhere Max could spot it. Every direction they turned, the thump seemed to run behind them, taunting them.

It was supposed to be different with Olivia. Max was sure it was going to be different. She said all the right things and asked all the right questions. She let Max feel their feelings but offered them an arm to latch onto if they needed to pull themself out of it.

But, unfortunately, Max couldn't find anything to pull themself up this time. They were drowning in their own thoughts and insecurities, despite the fact that they'd recently started to actually like their body. After years of not feeling comfortable in their own skin, they were starting to learn to see it as an expression of their identity, rather than a vessel they were forced to live in. A vessel that had to be maintained to very specific, unachievable standards that they didn't even like.

But there was still one area that Max had trouble with - the space between their legs. It wasn't that they didn't like how it felt to be touched there; it was ultimately what they wanted. But it often didn't quite feel right. It didn't feel like their partner was touching them, it felt like they were disconnected from their body, disconnected from the feelings, and ultimately disconnected from their partner at a time when they very much wanted to be connected.

Max's face twisted as their thoughts spiraled. They weren't sure what they looked like to Olivia and they couldn't hide it. They looked how they felt - anguished. Their pain wasn't technically physical, but they felt it bubbling in their gut, slowly making its way up like heartburn.

They had to go. They were in their own apartment, but they needed to flee somewhere safer.

Their bedroom. They needed to lie down. They needed to squeeze their eyes tights and push the negative thoughts out of their head, replacing them with reminders that there was so much to look forward to in their journey. Max had an opportunity to learn about themself in a way that most people never took the time to do.

They just needed to get somewhere safe so they could breath, first.

Max could feel the heat building behind their eyes, but they definitely couldn't cry right now. They couldn't let Olivia think that the sight of her step out of their shower dripping wet was in any way upsetting to them.

If they stayed where they stood, they'd have to explain what was going on in their mind. It would lead to a deep and meaningful conversation about their identity that would leave them feeling inside out, every vulnerable part of them exposed. They'd end up on the couch, curled up in a ball, forcing Olivia to take care of them. The exact opposite of what they actually wanted, which was to get in that shower with Olivia, bury their face between her legs, and take care of her instead.

But what was Max going to do? The only place to go was elsewhere in the same apartment. What was Olivia going to think if they just left her in their bathroom - in a towel - to go sit by themself in their bedroom?

So they had to stay, right? Stay there and push past the feeling; distract themself with something they enjoyed. A lot.

Max took a deep breath before breaking the long silence. "I'm fine. I just needed a minute. But I'm fine now."

Olivia looked back at Max with concern. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah," Max confirmed with a nod that they hoped looked confident. They were sure that they didn't want to continue feeling the way they had been for the last few minutes.

But fine? Probably not.

"If I haven't ruined the moment," Max said, refocusing their attention where it belonged, on the gorgeous woman standing in front of them. They reached towards Olivia and pulled gently at her towel, slowly guiding it until it dropped to the floor.

Olivia stood naked in front of them beckoning them closer with her finger. Max complied, stepping forward and into her space where they could feel the heat of the shower still radiating off of her.

"One condition, though," Olivia said, threading her fingers through Max's. "When you want to put yourself down, imagine you're saying it to me."

"I would never put you down," Max assured her. Had their poor behavior given Olivia the impression that they could be mean to her? They couldn't have her thinking that. "Never," they emphasized.

"Exactly. So why would you do it to yourself? Hmm?" Olivia asked, leaning her head to follow Max's gaze as they tried to evade hers. They didn't want to admit that she was right, but they couldn't say she was wrong.

"See," Olivia said, lifting their hands to her face and kissing each of Max's knuckles individually. "Just try, okay? When you remember to try, just try. That's all you can do. Try to try to remember to try to try not to put yourself down, okay?"

Max rolled their eyes dramatically and huffed a laugh, grateful that Olivia had found a way to lighten the mood. "Try... to try to remember... to try... to try not... to put..."

"Yourself down," Olivia finished as if it were obvious. "That's what I said," she continued, smiling against Max's palm as she placed it on her own cheek and held it there. Her warmth against their palm soothed them and gave them something far more important to focus on than their own insecurities.

It also reminded Max that Olivia was very naked mere inches from them.

"You are very sweet and it's important that I acknowledge and appreciate you. Buttttttt," Max said, raising an eyebrow and dragging the word out. "I really want to pick you up and fuck you against that door," they finished, with a smirk.

"Oh, hell yes let's do that."

Max could process their feelings later.

--

Max had successfully pushed past the dysphoria for about an hour. Rather, they'd successfully distracted themself from their dysphoria for about an hour. But the few minutes of silence while they and Olivia waited for their rideshare to arrive and responded to the texts they'd both ignored most of the morning allowed room for the intrusive thoughts to start making their way back. Eventually, Max would actually need to talk to Olivia about what had happened in the bathroom earlier that day.

But on the way to the adult toy store was not the right time for that. Max was already anxious enough about it, they didn't need to feed that feeling any more than they already had.

"Explain to me again why we're walking two blocks in the freezing cold when we could have had the car drop us right in front of the store?" Olivia asked, shivering to demonstrate her point before looping her around through Max's and leaning into them as they walked. "Is this okay?"

Max nodded. They liked public displays of affection, but appreciated, again, how considerate Olivia was. "Because I need a block or two to hype myself up," Max said. "Don't get me wrong, I want to go and I want to try new things. And it's not like I think we're doing something wrong or anything like that. I just..."

Max took a deep breath in before continuing. "I know this is going to be a, like, vulnerable situation for me. I don't know if I'm going to like the look of it on me and I don't know what that might mean. You know?"

"I won't pretend to really know, because I don't know what it's like to feel like that, but I understand what you mean," Olivia said, tugging Max's hand to stop walking and turning to face them fully. "We don't have to rush this. We can go for a drink or grab lunch or call a car and head back to your place."

Genuinely, Max did appreciate how considerate Olivia was. But right now they needed someone to push them a little - to boost them up with courage, not sympathize with them. "That's not what I'm saying. I need to do this and I feel like I'm ready to. So can we go in before I lose my nerve?" they asked with a bit of an edge to their voice. They didn't want to start a fight, especially not in the first twenty-four hours, but they were getting irritated.

"Okay..." Olivia said, nodding toward the store. "Let's go then." She sounded like she was trying to avoid conflict but was clearly unhappy with Max's reaction.

Olivia took a step forward, but Max pulled her back. "Wait," they said, sighing to give themself an extra moment to relax. "That was not a good reaction, I'm sorry. I like that you are so considerate. And I'm worried that if I say this then you're going to think that's not the case, but it really is.

"But sometimes, I don't want an out - I need to be pushed a little. Even if it's something I know I want or need to do, if you give me an out, I might take it. And I don't want to take it right now," Max explained. "But also, sometimes I do want an out and I need to take it, so I don't want you to not give me them. And I fully understand that doesn't make any sense," they finished with a half laugh.

"Max, don't say that like there's something wrong with you," Olivia said, practically scolding them.

"I just told you that sometimes I want this one thing, but other times I want the exact opposite thing, but I can't give you any indication of what I want, so good luck figuring it out! It's like," Max paused, scoffing at themself. "What good did telling you that even do? All I did was give you something to worry about because I can't communicate what I need."

"I want to know these things and I want to worry about these things. I may have been avoiding relationships for a while, but I know how to be in one," Olivia said sternly, but not combatively. "This is all part of your whole 'putting yourself down' thing. We gotta work on that."

Max nodded. "Yeah. That might be an understatement," they said with a chuckle. "But let's go in. Because it's cold and I might legitimately lose my nerve."

The store was a lot cozier than Max expected, though they weren't sure what they should have expected. They'd only really even been to the stores on South Street and they were mostly lingerie stores with a few toys in the back. Or a gigantic condom store that mostly attracted teenagers who were visiting South Street for the first time and were more interested in giggling about the toys.

That's what Max had imagined - being the one person in the store actually looking to buy something they wanted to use while other customers made jokes about the products. They already felt like everywhere they went, someone was trying to figure them out and they feared they were walking into a situation where all eyes would be on them.

So they were pleasantly surprised when they stepped through the door to a much more relaxed experience than South Street had offered. The scent of essential oils diffusing somewhere in the store hit them right away. But it wasn't harsh or strong; it calmed them.

Olivia waved at the woman reading a book at a comfortable chair near the register. "Hey Katie."

Katie set her book down and greeted Olivia as she stood. "Hey you, it's been a while. Looking for anything specific?"

Olivia squeezed Max's hand and looked at them as if they were supposed to answer. Their mouth went dry. "I-"

"We'll look around for a bit," Olivia said, directing her attention back to the other woman.

"Okay, let me know if you need anything," Katie said with a gentle nod and a knowing smile in Max's direction.

"Do you come here often enough for her to know you by name? Or do you know her from somewhere else?" Max asked as they made their way past the lingerie, some of which they wouldn't mind seeing Olivia in.

"We actually went on a few dates. I didn't even know this was here until I met her. I've been back a few times since, but I wouldn't say I'm a regular or anything," Olivia explained nonchalantly.

"Isn't that a little awkward? I don't mean to make assumptions, but..." Max trailed off.

"Yes, we slept together. But no, it's not awkward. Would it be awkward if I dated a mechanic and then went to their shop because I knew they were the best mechanic in town?" Olivia asked.

"Well, yes, because you don't have a car and that might qualify as stalker behavior," Max teased.

Olivia bumped them with her hip. "You know what I mean, asshole."

"I do. At least in theory. I'm not-" Max started, but Olivia cut them off.

"You share an apartment with your ex," Olivia reminded Max.

"Okay that's fair," Max conceded before redirecting their attention to the shelves in front of them. "Where do we even start? Do you pick something that you like because it's going to be, you know, in you?" they asked.

"I think you should pick," Olivia said without any hesitation. She clearly wasn't feeling as anxious about what they were doing as Max did. "This is about you, not me. Just maybe nothing gigantic or shaped like a tentacle or something. That's not really my thing."

"A tentacle?" Max asked. Had they heard her right? Like an octopus?

"Yeah," Olivia said, pointing to what Max now realized was a dildo on the bottom shelf. "Don't yuck anyone's yum, babe."

"You're right," Max said, putting their hands up as if surrendering. "I don't think that's something I am into and I'm happy we are on the same page but it's not for me to judge if someone likes it."

Max studied each of the boxes in front of them, still not sure where to start. They'd done plenty of research online but they couldn't remember any of it. The mix of colors and shapes and sizes in front of them felt overwhelming and they had no idea what they wanted.

"I don't know what to look for," Max said, still scanning the boxes but not absorbing any of the words they were reading.

"Do you want me to get Katie?" Olivia asked. "I'm sure she'd be glad to help and she won't make it weird. This is her job."

"I don't know how to explain to a stranger what I want. I don't think I even know what I want," Max said.

"What if I go talk to her and explain why we're here?" Olivia offered. "I think you need someone to guide you and I don't know how, but I don't want you to leave here regretting not asking for help and getting something you don't like. Or without getting anything. I can give you a little push, but she can actually help."

"That might be a good idea," Max agreed. It was a little odd for Olivia to ask someone she'd dated to help her current partner find a dildo they liked, but the community was small and everyone had exes. Olivia had already spent a lot of time with one of Max's exes and she'd likely be seeing Bailey more often now that she and Max were seeing each other.

Max picked up one of the rainbow dildos and examined the packaging. It advertised a dual-density texture that was supposed to feel squishy on the outside but firm on the inside. They wished they could take it out of the packaging to see what it actually felt like before they committed a hundred bucks to it. They'd only purchased a couple of toys, and they'd ordered them online. But they'd bought the vibrators more for efficiency than anything - they'd only ever used them on themself.

"Max, this is Katie," Olivia said when she returned to them with Katie following closely behind.

Max set the box back on the shelf before nodding and reaching their hand out to shake Katie's. It still felt weird, even a couple of years after post-COVID when it became acceptable to shake hands again.

"Is it okay if I ask you a few questions, Max?" Katie asked.

--

The ride back to Max's apartment was tense. Not tense like they were in conflict, tense as in they were excited to try their newest purchase and all they could think about was feeling Olivia's body against theirs. They were dying to kiss her, but it was still the middle of the afternoon and definitely unacceptable to make out in the back of a rideshare.

The daylight hadn't stopped Olivia from describing to Max what she was looking forward to doing when they got back to Max's place, though. She'd spent almost the entire time they'd waited for their driver to arrive giving them instructions for what she wanted them to do to her and Max was eager to please her. Nervous, no doubt. But eager, for sure.

The shopping experience had been a lot easier than Max had expected and they were grateful for Katie's help, despite the intimacy of her questions. She'd sold them more than Max had intended to buy that day, but they were confident that her recommendations were genuine. Luckily, they'd put aside more than they'd needed for their new wardrobe and they had a little money leftover to reallocate.

Exploring their identity was expensive. Fortunately for them, Bailey had encouraged Max to pinch pennies the last couple of months so they didn't run into any fund-related hiccups on their journey to understand themself. They'd cooked more meals at home in the last sixty days than they ever had. Even more impressively, they'd resisted the pizza place that was literally steps from their front door all but three nights during that same time period.