Craziest Summer Ever

"So, what can I as your agent do to help?"

"Well, we were thinking we'd go into hiding but we're worried our contact with you is the one place he could exploit to find me."

"Well, as you know, your books are written under a penname. We could change it..."

"But would the publishers be interested in a 'new' author? I might get turned down but if I can continue to use my current penname, then I could continue to earn a living."

"So, you want to go into hiding, want to use the same penname and keep writing? I don't see how it will fly."

They kicked around several ideas, all of which seemed to have one or more flaws. Eventually, Carol came up with another idea. "You want to hide, right. What about if you don't hide but you 'die'? Maybe you could fake your death, we could publicize it and the papers would carry the news. Then a simple name change, and voila."

"But what about my writing?"

"Oh, we'll announce you already had ten books in the pipeline and we will release them one at a time. You keep writing and sending them in. I bet the works of a tragic writer will sell like hotcakes."

"Honey, that sounds like it could work. And Carol, maybe while she's working on those ten, you could take another one and peddle it to publishers under another penname."

"I could certainly try, sure. Now the question is: how do we kill you so there's no body yet the authorities are willing to declare you dead?"

Sharon and Jim agreed to work on the issue, set up an alternative method of communication using only personal cell phones and parted with a sense of relief.

For the next two days they wandered around the streets of New York, enjoyed the sights and caught a show on Broadway. While they enjoyed their time, they were more than ready to head out of town and get back on the road. Both were used to the less hectic pace of the West Coast and wanted to head back.

Since it was midsummer, they decided to travel back west using a different route. They headed south to the Carolinas before turning west. In the desert Southwest they marveled at the raw beauty of many different parks before drifting clear to the Pacific Coast where they could go no further west. With some reluctance, they turned north to head back to their home territory.

Their conversations became more intense as they discussed how they would handle their 'disappearing act.' They finally agreed on a basic plan. First, she would go to a small court in Eastern Oregon and apply for a name change. She wanted to keep her first name but dropped her middle name and changed her last name to a common one. The judge did warn her about banking and her Social Security Number and gave her some instructions on changing it legally and with minimal publicity. A new state photo-ID card was obtained. Jim decided to keep his name as it was so common.

The second and bigger issue was how she would 'die'. They went over numerous ideas and always seemed to find fault or realize the difficulty of the proposed idea. One evening as they rested in their short-term rental, they watched a nature show about the orca whales. There was a scene of a kayaker who was surprised by how close they came to him. He had taken video footage of the whales and nearly capsized when one of them breached close to his kayak. "I thought I was a goner," he told the reporter.

"That's it!"

"What?" asked Sharon.

"You will go out in a kayak and disappear. The kayak will be found swamped and barely afloat miles from your last known location. There will be a search, you won't be found and you'll be declared dead by the authorities."

"How will I be rescued?"

"You rent a kayak and take the ferry to the islands. There you'll stay at an inn for several nights and make sure everyone knows your plans to kayak out every afternoon. On one afternoon you will leave fairly late, making sure someone sees you leave. In the meantime, I will bring my skiff and we'll meet at dusk around on the far side of the island. You get in with me and we push the kayak away into the current before we head back to the main port. It will be dark when we get there, I'll drop you off at the far end of one of the piers and after I load my boat, you casually walk up to my car and hop in."

"What about my car?"

"It will be a rental which will make it look all the more real. You leave it at the inn. It will probably push them to call for help sooner rather than later."

"You think it will work?"

"It has as good a chance as any. It will be important to use your old name and you should go about talking to people, telling them about being a writer. You know, talk yourself up."

"Let's sleep on it. We can decide tomorrow, right?"

By the next afternoon, they agreed to pursue the plan. Using her old name, she made reservations at the Island Inn for seven nights. As it turned out, the inn even rented kayaks for day trips, so she wouldn't need to bring one from the mainland.

Jim checked several local marinas and found one suitable for their plans. He pulled out his old skiff, made sure the motor was in good shape and had a hitch installed on their SUV.

They worked on their plans using maps and GPS data to decide where they would meet. They wanted to do this where she would not be seen. They found one particular stretch of the island where there were no houses and only forest along the shore. She figured she'd be able to paddle there in an hour and a half from the inn. If she left in late afternoon, she'd want to make sure someone at the inn knew she was leaving and 'reassure' them she'd be going out for just a few minutes. She would not wear her life jacket making it seem even more likely she had 'drowned.'

The big week was upon them. She kissed Jim goodbye and drove to the island ferry. Once at the inn, she checked in and did everything possible to make herself known. She joked with the staff, talked with the other guests and made an impression on multiple people. In the evenings she would pretend to drink generous amounts of alcohol while discreetly dumping the wine into a sink or on one of the potted plants.

Late on the fifth afternoon, she inquired about taking the kayak out for a late afternoon paddle. The staff strongly recommended she not due to the lateness of the day.

"I'm just going for a quick little jaunt to the point and back. I'll be back well before dark, I promise."

"Ma'am, you've been drinking and we can't recommend it."

"Drinking? You call three glasses of wine 'drinking'? Please, I need a few minutes by myself. I'm working on a plot for my newest book and this will help me clear my head. Save my spot for dinner."

She left everything she had brought, including her clothes and an old PC with a handful of short tales and story outlines on the word processing program. Wearing fairly light clothing, she walked down to the kayaks, threw her life vest into a cockpit and paddled out to sea.

At first she paddled leisurely, wanting to appear unrushed to anyone who might be watching her. Once she passed the point, she slipped the life jacket on, dug her paddles in and began to rush as quickly as possible to her meeting with Jim. After dusk she was able to track along the shore by watching the lights from the various houses. Less than ninety minutes later, she reached the deserted stretch. By then it was dark and she wasn't sure what to do. After a few minutes of mild panic, she saw a dim light to her left. She gave a low whistle which was returned with a similar whistle. Four minutes later, Jim quietly motored up.

"Hey, Lady, looking for a ride?"

"Why yes, I am."

"Good. Glad you made it. Any issues?"

"Nope."

"OK. Let's slowly make our way out to the main pass where the current is. Hop in and I'll tow the kayak."

A few minutes later she asked, "Why are you going so slow?"

"Your cell phone. They'll track it and we don't want it to go too fast or they'll know you got a ride."

"What about your phone? Won't they put them together?"

"Can't. It's still in the car."

Ten minutes later they could tell the current was running. He untied the kayak, tossed her cell phone in and partially swamped the boat. The paddle and life jacket were tossed free before they quickly made their way back to the marina on the mainland.

Once he loaded his skiff onto the trailer, he drove to the main entrance where a female hitchhiker thumbed him down for a ride. Two hours later, exhausted but still on edge, they went to the hotel room he had checked into earlier in the day.

The relief was sudden and complete. They had done it. Now all they could do was hope everything worked out and the story would make headlines. After sleeping in the next morning, they decided to spend one more night. They swam at the pool, ate wonderful meals at nearby restaurants and back in their room, they both dined downtown to the cries and thrills of their partners, The next morning, as they watched the regional news, a story of local interest was aired.

"Author missing and presumed drowned."

Jim and Sharon looked at each other and smiled.

"...the waters are so cold that within minutes hypothermia sets in and the victim becomes so weak and confused that death by drowning is almost inevitable. The authorities have also found her lifejacket and do not believe she has survived. They will continue to search for a body in the area between her departure location and where the kayak was found. More on this story at noon."

Using his phone, Sharon called Carol's cell and quickly told her to check the news feed from the Northwest. "I think we pulled it off. Go ahead and publicize things there. I'll contact you in a month or two. OK?"

On their way back to their rental unit, Jim pulled off the highway at a small tourist town known for its arts community. They wandered through the streets looking at the shops selling art and kitsch. One figurine of an orca caught her eye and she insisted they buy it as a memento of their trip. At the end of the main drag, they came upon the local townhall.

"Let's go in there."

"Why, Honey?"

"I want to check on something."

The bored-looking woman filing her nails looked up at them with a smile. "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, is this where one gets marriage licenses?"

"What?" shrieked Sharon.

"It sure is. You fill out this form, give us some ID, pay us and you can pick it up tomorrow."

"What's the wait time?"

"Jim, are you nuts?"

"Yeah, I guess I am."

"The wait time is forty-eight hours from when you pick it up."

"So, we can pick it up tomorrow and on Friday we could use it?"

"That's correct."

"Jim, do I get any say in this matter?"

"Sure, but right now I'm merely getting information. Ah," he said, turning to the clerk, "Could you give me a couple of seconds while you get the paperwork started?"

"Sure, can do."

"Sharon, would you please do me the honor of becoming my wife?"

"That's it?" she laughed at him kneeling in front of her, "Shouldn't you find out for sure I'll say yes before you pay the lady?"

"How much is it, anyway?" he asked the woman who was giggling at the two.

"Fifty dollars."

"I'm willing to risk fifty bucks on you. I've risked so much already."

"I know you have," she said, her face turning a tiny bit sober.

"Well, the question's still on the table. Will you...?"

"Of course, I will, you ninny. Yes! Yes! And yes again!"

She pulled him up and gave him a big, warm kiss.

"Uh, Ma'am, shouldn't you save that for Friday night?"

"Are you kidding? This summer was the wildest, craziest summer imaginable. We survived each other, I damn near died twice, well, I did once, kinda, we drove across the country and back and...well, it's been crazy, is all I can say. If we can do all that without killing each other, then he's a keeper. Come on, Honey, let's fill out the papers and we'll pick them up tomorrow.

"By the way, does your JP do marriages?" she asked the lady.

"Yes, I do."

"You're the JP?"

"I am. It's a small town and, well, I happen to be the mayor, too."

"Amazing. Jim, let's get married here. We'll spend a few nights..."

"Uh, Ma'am, my husband and I own a little B and B on the next street up. I know it's got two vacancies. You could get one room while he gets the other, you know, you two not being married, and all," she laughed before going on. "After all, I need to watch out for the morals of our community."

"Are you nuts? We'll get one room and I hope it's soundproofed because I've got some big plans for the love of my life the next few nights," she said as she turned to him for another big kiss. "And we'll be back in three days."

"Great. It'll be fun getting you two hitched. Uh, I'd like to recommend the jewelry store down the road for your rings. Tell him his sister sent you."

"We'll drop by, for sure."

"Also, could our sister interest you in a little house for sale over on Maple Street? It's a great fixer upper."

"Jeez, does your family own this whole town?"

"Almost."

"I suppose the general contractor is a relative, too?"

"Pretty much. He's an in-law," she laughed as she finished the paperwork, "Pick up the license tomorrow and I'll see you Friday at noon."

-----

"Do you Sharon take James to be your lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, until death does you part?"

"I do."

"And James, do you take Sharon to be your lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, until death does you part?"

"I do."

"Then by the powers invested in me by this great state, I pronounce you husband and wife. Congratulations, you may kiss the bride.

"I also want to welcome you to town and to your new home. We look forward to seeing you around," she added after they had kissed.

"Thanks," they replied.

"Oh, and I need to let you know my cousin's preschool over on Pine Street will have an opening for an infant next year."

"Uh, why do we need to know that?" asked Sharon.

"From the ruckus my husband and I heard from your room the last few nights, I figure you'll be bouncing one out in about nine months," she laughed as she handed them their certificate.

-----

Trionyx -- Summer 2023

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