Damian Ch. 01: DESPERATE MEASURES

Cassie is getting annoyed. I can see it.

The judge says "Mr. Hayes, we only have an hour."

"Yes, your honor, but please understand it's important as a metaphor. Cassie is a trained psychotherapist. She understands the human mind. She is the steward of the brains around her... her clients, her friends and... her family." I have to pause to choke back my emotions. "She knows people's deepest, darkest secrets and helps them understand what's best for themselves. That's her obligation. With power comes responsibility. Soooo..." I falter about how to connect the dots and decide the judge is smart enough to do that herself "... I don't believe she should be given the benefit of the doubt in matters of the mind."

Cassie jerks in her seat a little.

"Okay... I guess I start by admitting that... I fucked up. I'll own it -- I had an affair. I knew in my heart that it wouldn't last... it was just... something I missed in college. Before the affair, I had not made love to anyone but Cassie. Anyone. Ever. It was stupid, but as I'd aged, I felt like I missed out."

Okay, I was lying a bit. I'd actually had a couple affairs before Lily. But what would it do to admit that to Cassie, except to make this situation worse?

"So, time went on and Cassie had been so caught up with being a soccer mom and a professional. Working long hours. She was tired and she was... I don't know... not always there for me. Her job was emotionally draining and it was way too often that I would find her emotional support pot empty... everything drained out for other people and... it was so often that she was emotionally unavailable to me. I didn't really blame her, but I felt cheated anyway.

"Lily, this woman at work, came to me looking for some mentorship... one thing led to another and... it happened. I knew in my heart that it was a dalliance... that it would evaporate after a few months and I would then continue my happy marriage ... maybe a little wiser... maybe a bit more content... maybe even..." I shrug here "...a better lover for Cassie. And if she never found out, no harm done. I know. I know, it was stupid and selfish..."

I looked at Cassie "I'm sorry, Cassie."

Cassie was seething; I knew she wanted to interrupt me but I looked at her deeply, asking in my soul for the forgiveness I so desperately needed. She's been unwilling to talk with me since the break so this discussion was cathartic in a way: getting my side across to her and saying the things that I wanted her to hear.

The judge scolded "remember, this isn't a divorce hearing..."

My eyes snapped back to the judge. "Thank you, your honor. As I said... it's important to understand the context to fill in the blanks of why I don't believe Cassie should have dual custody of Sam and Charlie."

"But... back to my affair... and this is important... what I did wasn't malicious. It was stupid, but I didn't mean to hurt Cassie."

I looked at Cassie. Then I looked down. I didn't want to do this to her... but I had to remind myself that the woman my heart burned to protect - the woman I loved - was the old Cassie. This new version was, well, not an improved model.

"So... what I didn't know but found out after the... spectacle... I'll get to that later, Judge Harris... was that Lily, my dalliance, was somehow at the same time... dominating Cassie without me knowing it." There is a big question mark in my voice when I said 'dominating.' It's just so weird to say.

I looked at Cassie and I couldn't help myself "Cassie, I didn't know. I'm so sorry. And yes, I now know. She told me about it after you... did that thing. I think she wanted to console me... that I would feel, through her acts, a little revenge for what you did to me. But when I absorbed it, I realized that she was just..." I shrugged "...evil... and then, with the help of my therapist, I saw how she'd been manipulating me too. And where it was probably going. I broke it off hard.

"By the way, she asked me to tell you that I broke it off, not her, because she... somehow... you're... blackmailing her?"

Harris is getting short "Mr. Hayes, please stick with the narrative and don't throw out accusations!"

Cassie can't contain herself, "But Lily was blackmailing me!"

"Ms. Hay... Wilkins, please contain yourself! You'll have your chance to speak!"

"I'm sorry, your honor. Cassie hasn't been willing to discuss any of this with me, so I did digress. You're right." I paused to collect my thoughts. I can do better than this. "Your honor, I mentioned domination. Are you familiar with the BDSM culture? It's important to this case..."

"Somewhat, Mr. Hayes, but you may have to fill in the blanks here too..." her brow is furrowed. I think we're touching on content that isn't her usual fare.

Cassie is visibly distraught. Her eyes are wide and she seems nonplussed that I was putting this laundry on the table. I don't think she was expecting this.

"Thank you. I've had to learn a lot of this from my therapist, too. It's really... fucked up. But if someone is 'dominating' another, then they are telling them what to do and that person, the 'submissive,' is voluntarily doing what they're told. And it can be any perverted, sick thing. It's how they both 'get off' in their twisted minds. Lily was dominating Cassie... but let me make the point here... Cassie is a psychotherapist. Lily is a manipulative, evil amateur who's not even a good programmer. But Cassie... Cassie should know better.

Cassie should know some way to control the situation." I look at Cassie pointedly, some of my anger escaping the thin walls "Cassie is equipped. She had psychological bazookas to Lily's peashooters. But she let it happen anyway. My therapist thinks Cassie may have actually wanted it. That deep down inside, it excited her." I look at the judge intensely to underline my next words: "so... basically, Cassie had an affair with Lily too. And by the way, she invited it to continue even after we'd... parted ways. She told Lily she wanted her to keep going with an affair with Cassie!" I glare at Cassie "Lily told me that too."

I went on before Cassie could interrupt... "Your honor... Cassie could've talked to me. She could've confronted me. We could have worked it out together. I was always expecting... planning to leave Lily. But Cassie said and did... nothing. We could've worked it out." A lump welled in my throat "Damn! Pardon me..."

I stood and looked out the window for a second, fighting the tears I promised myself I wouldn't shed. How had I come to this? I used to be solid. I've turned into a weeping schoolgirl.

Cassie tried to use my weakness to her advantage and take the opportunity to talk to the judge, but my lawyer was right, Harris was firm and fair and asked Cassie to let me finish.

Composed, more or less, I sat down.

"Sorry. What Cassie chose to do instead was absolutely unbelievable. She took her bazooka and aimed it at me. I have no idea how or what it could be that drove her so far and to be so... crazy. Judge, she learned to be a... dominatrix! Yeah. Really... a full out, leather-clad whip-holding demonic-looking sadistic sex-crazed dominatrix. She got involved with people at the 'Lost and Found' - that sex club downtown - and meticulously plotted her revenge on me. For what I did... but more for what Lily did, I think."

The judge looks confused.

"What she did was spectacular... both literally and figuratively. She anonymously lured me, my friends and colleagues to see a 'show' there and, ok," I blushed and shrugged, "we were curious so we went. Mea culpa. We thought it would be a little titillation, but what could happen, really? At the 'show' she dressed in a leather disguise and ultimately had..." I choke on these words: "Intimate. Physical. Relations... with five of us... me, my friends and colleagues... then stripped herself naked and had sex with my best friend in front of all my friends and colleagues. And then she revealed to everyone there... me, my friends and work colleagues... that it was her and that she wanted a divorce. Out of the blue. She did it to hurt and humiliate me. It was sick."

I look at Cassie. "Well played." I hoped she could feel my eyes bore lasers through her head.

I look at the judge. "So, your honor, let me summarize. Cassie is a dominatrix. She's also having a dom-sub affair of some sort with a woman from the sex club and introduced her to my impressionable children." I look at Cassie "yes, I know about that" and I look back at the judge "She's willing to have sex with strangers in dangerous settings. That danger can follow her home in many scary ways; these are not normal, stable people. They hurt people because it brings them pleasure. They look for greater and greater highs... She's... she's a horrible example to my perceptive children who are already asking me questions I don't know how to answer. She's putting them at risk. Physically, emotionally, psychologically... maybe sexually."

Cassie is livid.

"And... look at her: she is willing to use her intellect and knowledge to utterly destroy the man she said she loved.

I take a deep breath. This isn't easy to say. "I am un... unable to function here, your honor. I'm suffering from emotional abuse inflicted by an expert. A boxers' fists are legally weapons... Cassie's psychology knowledge was a weapon that she turned on me. I've been utterly humiliated and broken and..." I took a deep breath. "I can't continue here. In this city. Too many people know and it's humiliating. I'm planning to move out of state for a fresh start and I need my boys to come with me and be away from her horrible influence and the dangerous ideas and culture she represents. That's why I'm petitioning for full custody.

"So, let me say... if she's willing to abuse and destroy me because of an affair that she could've stopped... will she abuse the children if she gets angry at them? I don't know the woman across the table from me anymore. I was totally shocked at what happened and I still can't put it together. It's like a scene from The Exorcist.

"But I'm a good father. I'm here because I want them. And..." I look at Cassie, the woman who'd been my life, my rock, my wife, my confidant, my partner... my lover... for sixteen years. "...and Cassie can live whatever life this new person across from me chooses. Without encumbrance." Saying it felt like a statement of compassion. I did still love her.

Before I go all doe-eyed, I snap my attention back to the judge.

"Your honor, if you need, I have witnesses who are willing to testify here... she's damaged more than just me."

For the first time, the judge seems nonplussed. "Are you done?"

Resigned, I say, "yes, your honor."

Harris looks to Cassie and asks "is that accurate?"

Cassie stutters... she clearly thought I wouldn't drag the dirt of our relationship out in public. I can tell it's hard for her to answer... hard for her to think through her anger. "Well, no, not exactly, but..." she blushes "...some of it is."

Harris asks "what is not accurate?"

"Well, I don't have sex willy-nilly with people at the club. It's not a sex club... it's an alternative lifestyle fetish club where people can explore unique ways of relating in a healthy way. And... I was being blackmailed... I didn't submit to Lily because I wanted to, I submitted because she threatened to destroy my husband and me, and..."

I can't help myself and blurt in: "...but you liked it!"

"Mr. Hayes, you had your turn..."

"Sorry."

Cassie avoids my accusation "...and I would never, ever, ever let anything happen to my dear precious boys."

Harris thinks for a moment, then asks, "Ms. Wilkins, would you have said the same about your husband a year ago?"

Touché. Cassie grasps to find words. Instead, her lawyer speaks "your honor, both of the parties are obviously distraught with this difficult session. May I suggest we move on?"

Harris looks at my lawyer "any objections?"

"None, your honor."

Cassie has to get the last word in. It's so Cassie. "Your honor, as a professional, I know the human brain and the vagaries of its working... it's sophomoric to say that I shouldn't have been dominated because I knew better... it's..."

The judge is now impatient with the both of us. "Ms. Wilkins, we are agreed that this isn't a divorce discussion... it's a custody discussion. It's not relevant why you did it. It's only relevant what you did and what it could mean to your children."

She goes on, "I am reasonably convinced that there is, indeed, a child welfare risk here and therefore am ordering an investigation by the Department of Child Services. The result of that investigation will weigh heavily in my ultimate ruling. Ms. Wilkins, am I to understand that the boys are currently living with you?"

Cassie is on the verge of tears "yes, your Honor. Damian takes them a couple nights a week and every other weekend."

"Please be aware that the investigators may choose to remove them from your custody. And, Mr. Hayes, you'd have to prove that you are able to care for them fully before you can even be considered for custody. I have to warn you, they may be remanded into foster care until this issue can be settled." She takes her papers in hand. "Or permanently." Then she leaves, shaking her head and breathing deeply.

I look at Cassie. At this moment, we are both broken at the thought of our boys in foster care.

She's struggling for words. All that comes out of her mouth is "You signed an NDA..."

My lawyer pulls out the NDA; thankfully I had the presence of mind to take it with me that horrible night "this NDA is written to allow the signer to reveal to a court the covered 'intellectual property' if legally compelled. He was compelled when the judge asked him to make his case."

Then to me, Cass asks incredulously "Do you really think I'd let the boys come to harm?"

"Cassie, I... I don't know you anymore. I thought you were my awesome, loving caring wife who was a brilliant psychotherapist and made people healthy. Then in an instant, I find out you're a closet... lesbian... practicing... dominatrix... submissive... exhibitionist..." I stutter, wanting to say the word "whore" but that was too far... "...sadist who is willing to destroy the man she once loved because she was humiliated... and mostly by Lily! That wasn't my fault!

"You took your humiliation and anger out on me. I'm bleeding inside, Cassie.

"I don't know what you're capable of."

There are tears in her eyes... I don't know if they're anger or frustration. They can't be compassion for what she did to me. She's become a cold, heartless cesspool: thinking only of herself.

"The boys tell me that you've introduced them to a 'friend' named Cynthia but, Cassie... they already suspect that there's a lot more going on there than friendship. That's not healthy, Cassie. What do I tell them? Is she your Domme? Your lover? Is she a sadist? A masochist? What are you? Do I tell them you're a lesbian?

"And the Lost and Found - that's a freak show, Cassie! People are there for psychological and physical abuse... and who knows? Starting there... does it set people up for blackmail? Rapes? Murders? Who knows that some of that won't follow you home some day?

"And why the FUCK did Lily say you invited her to keep sleeping with you after you got the drop on her?

"Who are you?"

I'm emotionally exhausted and, shaking my head, stand to leave.

She says in a quiet voice "domination isn't like that... it's caring, loving, sensitive... meeting needs..."

I look at her and say "...like you were caring, loving, sensitive and meeting my needs? Yeah, that's what it's supposed to be... my therapist explained it... but that's not always the way it is."

I slam the door on my way out.

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NEXT: Damian sees his therapist who suggests some unconventional help... He forms a new relationship and starts to take the baby steps to rebuild himself with an unusual partner...