All Comments on 'Dan's Story Pt. 01'

You packed four pages of content into seventeen pages.

You succeeded in making Dan's long wait for his wife's arrival into making me feel I also had to wait forever.

Too much fluff, not enough content. 3*s. You write well but don't bore me to death between good content. You have great potential, but, please, don't string it out so much. This should have been eight pages, max.

Why write as a screenplay?

I know you said it would be long, but I could barely survive a little bit. Too much surperfluous details, unless their dinner comes back later.

Write as a story and dump two thirds when you proof read.

Minor details like timings of breakfast etc.

A good story in amongst the detail but not sure I've got the energy

toooo loooonnnggg!!!!