Darling Nikki Ch. 07

That hurt. A lot. She was right. But what would Meg think about how I was feeling now about Nikki. She'd fucking hate me. How the hell could I admit that my baby girl was becoming the center of my desires? I couldn't. But maybe I could talk about some of the other stuff.

"You don't need to give me every nitty-gritty detail, Jesse. Just get some of this crap off your chest. Give me as much as you can without breaking any confidences. Enough to ease some of your burden. Let me help you carry it."

I took a deep, deep breath and held it before letting it out slowly. "Alright, Dana. You figured out pretty quickly that I got involved with someone recently."

She smiled, gently, with a tinge of mischief. "Yeah. I also know you took Yelena to bed, too." As my eyes and mouth flew wide open, she laughed. Hard. "Oh, honey. Men are so stupid. I could see the wheels turning when we had lunch and I was teasing you about her. I had lunch at El Sol Naciente the next day with a client. Every woman there knew she'd gotten some. She was fucking radiant. And since it was you she was clearly after, I knew she'd gotten you into bed. Good for you! Why is that such a big deal?"

"Because she's eighteen and I turned thirty-six yesterday! I'm a fucking dirty-old-man pervert!"

She laughed again for a good, long while. When she got herself under control again, she leaned forward and kissed my cheek. "You're so stupid. You're the stupidest genius I've ever known. Women can be catty bitches, yes. But most of us also understand that you want who you want, and if he's older, whatever. If he fucks good enough to make a girl look like Yelena did the next day...good for her. And good for you! It just makes us wonder who she'd had, and makes most women want to take him out for a ride, too. If he can make her look like that, then damn! Sign us up!" She laughed again. "It's generally only men who get stuck on the age thing. The heart -- and pussy and cock -- want what they want. As long as nobody's getting hurt, who cares?"

She cocked her head to the side, examining me. "Is that the only source of your confliction? Because I can't believe you'd have done Yelena behind your other lover's back."

"No, nothing like that. They're all aware of each other. And encouraging this shit." I didn't realize what I'd just said. Until Dana giggled.

"All? Just how many women are you fucking, Jesse?"

I dropped my head again, my face on fire, and cussed. A lot. In every language I knew how to cuss in. Dana, still giggling, took both my hands in hers and tugged on them till I looked back up at her. I'd never seen her so amused. Damn it.

"Five. So far."

Her eyes widened a little. "So far? My, my, my, dear brother-in-law. When you decide you're not going to wear widow's weeds for Meg anymore you don't mess around, do you?" She swiped down the length of my nose with her forefinger and smiled at me. A genuine, warm, friendly smile. For once not teasing me at all. "I'm glad. Meg told me a few times over the years that she felt selfish hogging your perfect cock for herself. And when she was sick, she told me she really hoped you'd someday, uh, share it with as many deserving women as you could."

Yep. Still blushing.

"There's more, though. Spill."

I heaved another sigh. "So yeah, I'm twisted up about having women who aren't Meg. I'm getting ok-ish with it, but I'm not completely at ease with this, yet. But since I, um, ended my dry spell? I've been thinking about sex. All the motherfucking time! And every single woman I see I check out and wonder what she looks like naked, and what she'd be like in bed. Every woman! I don't know how to handle this. I...this is new to me. I mean, I've loved Meg pretty much my whole life, and before we started dating I'd look at girls and wonder, but...damn it, nothing like this! Our driver from last night? Sexy as hell! I'm dying to know what she tastes like, how it would feel to have her lips wrapped around my cock. And that's even knowing she was eyeballing you all night. Pretty sure she's not into guys, but I can't help wondering. And it's with every damned woman I run across! It's driving me a little crazy!

"And then I've got these new lovers. I don't know how to handle having sex with different women. Until recently the only woman I've ever been with was Meg. How the hell do I juggle multiple women? What the fuck is wrong with me? How did I let myself get here? And how do I stop wanting someone that I absolutely, positively, can not EVER have! Someone I can never ever even let know I know they exist? I'm...all torn up and I can't deal with this. I'm not equipped to be some kind of player. I don't want to ever hurt anyone. Especially not someone I've bedded. I haven't, and can't, do one-night-stands, so these are women I feel something for. And how to reconcile that? It's always been just Meg. And now I'm having sex with and feelings for several different women. What the fuck is wrong with me?"

She shrugged, still smiling. "You're growing and changing, Jesse. Some part of you is healing from the torture of losing Meg. Some part of you accepts that moving on, that living and loving again, is ok. Some part of you has given you permission to enjoy life again. And that's tearing to utter shreds the part of you that's still holding onto Meg. The hole in your soul that Meg's death left behind? It'll never be filled. Not completely. But the hole is a little smaller. And you don't know how to deal with that. And that's ok. Just don't flagellate yourself over it. That does no one any good. Especially you.

"It is good, and right, and proper, to heal after the loss of your wife. It is good, and right, and proper, to accept the fact that you're still a young man with wants, and needs, and desires...and to meet and fulfill them. And humans didn't evolve to be monogamous. We're not wolves or swans. We don't meet that one person and that's it forever. No desire for anyone else. We're designed by nature or God or the gods or whatever to diversify our genetics. To be with many people. Our society says we're only supposed to have one partner, ever. Even though very few actually believe that. How many cheaters are out there? Somehow it's acceptable to lie and cheat on your spouse," her face was growing a bit angry, doubtlessly thinking about her ex-husband, "instead of being honest and admitting you want to sample fruit from other trees.

"A few people are naturally monogamous. Very few. But it happens. In your case, you were. For you there was only Meg. Forever and always only her. It was the same for her. She never, ever even looked at another man, Jesse. Even before you bribed Billy Fischer to get me out of the way so you could ask her out. It was always only you. But she died, Jesse. I hate that she died. I was so angry at her for so long for leaving me! Never angry that she was with you, but furious that she dared to die and leave me behind. But, she died. I've accepted that. I still feel her presence; she'll always be with me. And she'll always be with you. But...she wants you to live. And now, with her passing, your desires are shifting. You're awakening to the fact that you're a homo sapiens male with the genetic need to spread your seed far and wide. And you're still an amazingly good and kind and loving man who cares about the women he's seeing, and you're doing the right thing. You're letting yourself be happy again, and you're being honest with the women you're involved with. You're not sneaking around, you're not cheating. You're doing it right."

She cocked her head to the side and examined me for a moment. "Are you falling in love with any of them? Or all of them?"

"I...I honestly don't know. I care about them. A lot. I love them. But in love? I don't know. Maybe? And that's tearing me up, too."

"Shhh. It's ok. You should research polyamory sometime. I think you'd find it very interesting reading." She chuckled briefly. "It's funny. Our country was founded by Puritans. Straight-laced, uptight, one person and one person only should anyone ever sleep with sticks-in-the-mud! Such prudes! That's colored our whole culture. And yet it was the Romans who came up with monogamy. The pan-theistic, 'pagan' Romans who, for some bizarre reason decided that one man should have woman. Well, one wife, because fucking your slaves didn't count. And the Christians, who grew out of the Jewish faith which had long practiced bigamy, decided 'that's a great idea!' Whatever." She shook her head. "Irrelevant. What's important right now is that you listen to me. That you really internalize what I'm saying."

She took my head in her hands and looked deep into my eyes. "It's ok that you're doing and feeling these things. It's perfectly alright. As long as you keep being open with your partners, you're not doing anything wrong! You've always been a very attractive and appealing man, Jesse. And lately since you 'ended your dry spell,' you've positively blossomed into a sexy and irresistible man-"

She stopped talking, her mouth falling open, her eyes widening. "Oh. My. FUCK! What did I say last night? What did I do?"

She shook her head violently, her beautiful hair coming a bit loose from her ponytail. "What did I do, Jesse? I don't remember last night. Did I come on to you? Oh FUCK!"

I had never, ever, in my entire life seen Dana embarrassed, much less horrified. It was unsettling. Damn it. I really didn't want to have this conversation.

"You, um, may have indicated some, um, potential interest."

"Tell me what the fuck happened, Jesse. I woke up in just a pair of panties and my dress hung up properly in the closet. What did I get you to do?"

I sighed. "You asked me to take off and hang up your dress because it was too nice to sleep in. Then you told me how much Meg loved me, and how happy she was that I was alive again. Then you told me how awesome Nikki is. Then you, uh," I blushed again. "You asked me to take off your bra. You said I had to free your girls and let them get some air. You would not take no for an answer. You, um, then you," I blushed a little harder, "you made sure I got a good look at your breasts and asked me if they were nice." Dana was blushing right along with me. My voice dropped to barely audible. "You asked if I wanted to see if they felt as nice as they looked. And started crying when I said no, because you were drunk."

"Fuck. Son of a bitching ass-licking cock munching pussy sucking mother fucking bitch!" She locked eyes with me again, laser focused. "Anything else?"

My blush was getting almost painful. "You asked me why I didn't want you and if you weren't good enough, if you weren't enough like Meg or if you were too much like Meg. I told you we were friends, and you were drunk and we could talk about it later. You complimented my cock and asked if we could be fuck buddies. I managed to calm you down and get you to sleep."

By this point her face was in her hands and she was shaking her head. "I'm sorry, Jesse. I-"

"No. You have nothing to apologize for. You said it'd been since before you kicked out Brad that you'd, uh, been intimate. You were lonely and horny and drunk. Your controls were down and you were just honest. And I'm flattered and grateful that you thought of me that way, even if it was only because you were drunk."

She looked back up at me, her hands still on her cheeks. "I'm apologizing because I do feel that way. I have for awhile now. I only said it because I was drunk. But the feelings, the desires, are very real."

She exploded to her feet and paced around in front of Trixie, cussing at the top of her lungs. Having done this a few times myself recently I just sat and waited, letting her get it all out. While I examined my own feelings.

My attraction to Dana had obviously been growing for some time. As had my appreciation for her as a person. She was amazing, and I cared for her deeply. But would it be right to act on our feelings? Needing to talk to the girls aside, would it be right for us to make love or start dating or something? She and Meg were cousins, they'd been raised together and were closer than sisters. The three of us had a lot of history together. If we did start something, would our love for Meg cast a shadow over us and doom us to misery for betraying her? Would she always worry that I wanted her because she was so similar to Meg? Would I? I was pretty sure my attraction to her was for her, not trying to recapture my dead wife. But would I always wonder?

She finally wound down and stood in place, breathing hard. Eventually her shoulders relaxed and her face lost its angry mien. She sat back down in front of me and said, "I'm sorry, Jesse. I never intended to let you know my attraction. You're an amazing man. Always have been. And since your re-emergence into the land of the living, and especially since you've gotten some booty, you've just blossomed from this amazing brother-in-law to this drop-dead sexy motherfucker that I want inside me!" She shivered briefly. I just let her talk, afraid I was going to say something stupid and hurt her. "I know you well enough to know just how conflicting it would be for us to...do...anything. I know I want you. I know that I'm not a replacement for Meg, and I wouldn't be trying to be that. But you would wonder if you were getting with me to be closer to her. I don't think you would, but I know that thought would plague you. So I was never going to say anything.

"But damn it, I wanted to show you a great time for your birthday. And you coming back to life sort of let me give myself permission to party and cut loose. I just wanted us to have some fun and enjoy life, enjoy healing, and enjoy being the really good friends we've become. But...damn, I should stopped hitting the Johnny Walker." She sighed heavily. "Well, the fucking cat's out of the god damned bag.

"I want you, Jesse. You're the most amazing man I've ever known. And I want to date you. I want to fuck you. I don't know where it might lead, but I want you. Whatever you can give me. I know who you are and how you are. I'm going to assume that you're not going to pursue anything...but I'm here. If you ask, the answer will be yes. Not forever, maybe, but there's no one else that's caught my eye. So, well, you know I'm interested. You know where I stand. The ball is in your court."

She stood up. "I'm gonna go for a bit. You keep working on Trixie. I'll be back in a while, ok?"

"I, uh, sure...."

She smiled. A genuine smile, no mischief or taunting. No wistfulness or regret. Just a warm, caring smile. Damn, what a woman. She spent less time worrying about what can't be fixed, or what's already been done, than anyone I'd ever known.

* * *

A few hours later I'd gotten all the dents knocked back in place and the metal smoothed out. I'd, in fact, gotten the body all shiny and new, and was just putting the hood back in place when Dana came back. There was something a little different about her. Nothing I could put my finger on, but she seemed more, I don't know, settled, maybe? Calmer, more peaceful? I didn't worry too much about it and finished reattaching the hood.

"Damn, Jesse, Trixie is looking good! You really kicked some ass today." She gave me a warm smile...but there was something else there, too. I spent a moment trying to figure out what was going on. But I am merely a mortal man, and therefore incapable of comprehending the complexities of the female mind, so I figured I'd stop worrying about it.

"Thanks! She's starting to look pretty good. We've got so much more to do," I sighed, "but she's looking nice. I'm pretty pleased with how much we've accomplished. Thank you."

We hugged. I was kind of surprised that it wasn't awkward, but grateful that it wasn't. I kissed the top of her head and said, "Guess I better get on home and fix some supper. Want to join us?"

She smiled again. "I've got some stuff to go over for work tomorrow. But thank you. You go enjoy your evening. Oh, before I forget, though, that shop up in Dallas finished fabricating the new axles. You need to pick them up tomorrow."

"Wait, what? I have to drive to Dallas tomorrow to get them? Why can't they ship them?"

"It'll be cheaper to get them yourself. You want to save some money, right? Plus, it'll give you an entire day to yourself to maybe settle your thoughts."

"Last fucking thing I want is a day all to myself with no distractions."

"Cowboy up, you big baby." She laughed. "Go on home and feed those hellions. Have a good night, sweetie." She gave me another of those half-on-the-lips and half-on-the-cheek kisses. Then we went our separate ways.

* * *

The girls were nowhere to be found the next morning, so I couldn't invite them to take a road trip. So I'm a big baby, alright? I did not want to be on the road all day stuck with only my thoughts for company. I was still trying to get a handle on this having multiple lovers thing, I was now trying to get a handle on my attraction to and developing feelings for Dana and process the knowledge that she felt the same way, and looming over everything was my ever-increasing desire to make love to my darling Nikki.

The last fucking thing I needed was to spend all day alone with that shit spinning around in my head. But that's exactly what I did. Trixie needed those axles, and yeah, I needed to shave some dollars here and there. So off to fucking Dallas I drove. I set my playlist to all metal, rolled down the windows, cranked the speakers up, and flew down the highway, singing along, head banging, and sweating. Overall, it wasn't a bad little road trip. Even if I couldn't think about anything besides eight incredibly sexy women and my confused feelings regarding them.

Loading up the axles and getting them secured in the bed of my truck went pretty smoothly. The shop that fabricated them were very professional and efficient, and within half an hour I was on my way back home.

More loud tunes, more singing, more sweating. I backed into Dana's barn near Trixie and saw with gratitude that she'd gotten the rigging to move the axles out of my truck -- and install them on Trixie -- set up and ready to go. It'd been a long day already and it wasn't really safe to try and do this myself, but I didn't know when Dana would be back, so I went ahead and rigged up the first axle and got it out of the truck. Twenty minutes later I started working on the second. Another twenty minutes and they were on the floor beneath Trixie, ready for installation.

I was not stupid or macho enough to tackle that job on my own, though, and it was already pushing seven o'clock. Dana still wasn't home, but whatever our feelings toward each other and our up-in-the-air relationship, we were still friends, still family. So I just went inside the house and had a nice long shower.

As I was drying myself afterwards, I heard some movement coming from Dana's bedroom. I hurriedly covered myself when I heard her footsteps heading toward the bathroom. From just outside the door -- which I'd apparently forgotten to close when preparing to shower -- I heard Dana say, "A woman comes home and finds a man availing himself of her shower...what's a poor single woman to do?"

I chuckled. "Well, it's her house. That's up to her. I might suggest surprising him by joining him, but I don't know if the lady and gentleman are quite there, yet. I guess she could choose to shoot him, instead, but if he seems nice, I hope she'd refrain."