Daydreaming on Deck

I smiled into my lighted mirror, it always made me look better. I wished I could carry it around with me, talk to everyone as a reflection. In the mirror my lips did look spectacular, my white teeth were perfect. I had them whitened a year ago, I go every couple of months. I started wearing a retainer, I wanted to fix my slight overbite. The dentist told me it was fine, but I wanted it perfect. I wore it all night while Linda wore her headphones, she didn't even know about it.

I had to shake my head, I felt the rollers on my shoulders, I had to stop daydreaming and get ready. I always did this, I was a dreamer. My teachers in high school all said I had a great imagination, Linda and her friend Helene said I had ADHD. I couldn't help that I took so long to get dressed. Linda was quick, twenty minutes, makeup, hair, and at least four phone calls. She didn't dawdle. Me? It took ages, it took forever, it made me so happy. The girls at the salon told me I didn't need too much makeup to achieve a look I would look great in. They taught me how to look natural, they showed me how to go glam. I like something in between. When I sat in front of the mirror, I sort of spaced out. I imagined I was getting ready for a big party to meet so many people to dance and drink with, and then say goodbye to new friends. I imagined I was going to work and I wanted to do something different with my hair. I imagined I was getting ready to go to bed with my 'husband' to have him make love to me, have him scream out my name as he had the best orgasm of his life. Phew. Doing my makeup and hair was just a small part of my routine. Linda sometimes stood behind me, surprising me, easing me out of my fantasy world. She would laugh and shake her head and tell me to stop talking to myself. I'm sure she was wishing I took up parachute jumping or rock climbing instead of learning to contour my cheeks.

My lips were pink, my top lip was my favorite, I knew how to make it look perfect. I kissed my reflection and she kissed me back. I put on my long press-on nails. Also, pink to match my toenails and lips, I was almost ready.

I slipped on my little black dress. It had thin straps, which covered my bra. The hem came down to the middle of my thighs showing off my perfect legs, my knees my ankles. I had on four-inch opened-toed pumps with a slight platform. I loved platforms, all the height without the huge arch of the foot. I didn't have a problem, posing and walking in heels. The women at the mall would shake their heads when I showed them how easy I could glide in six to even ten-inch heels.

I took my hair out of the rollers, I shook my head, I ran a brush through it. I then put on a big, black and pink chunky necklace, to cover the seam to my forms. My breasts and cleavage looked so real and femme, I was hoping Logan was a breast man, a leg man, a man that was going to be nice to me.

A little Chanel on my knees, ankles, and wrists. I found a perfect clutch, filled with the necessities, hung the little strap around my wrist. I brushed my teeth again, I sprayed some breath freshener. I went to sit on the new porch to look out the window, at Capistrano. I was nervous, my legs were crossed and bouncing. My heel was dangling off of my toe. Every car that passed I lost my breath a little bit, I wasn't used to dating men. I said it out loud, "I'm not used to dating such a good-looking man," I giggled, the anticipation was making my leg bounce even more. My heel fell off.

I realized it was the first time I would be seeing Logan without Merch. The first time we would be together not on my deck. This would technically be our fifth date. I giggled to myself, a high girlie giggle. When we first met, he wasn't looking for me, he was looking for Linda. He didn't believe that I was transgender, he didn't believe I was in my mid-forties either or was the husband of the house. I was six years his junior and the two of us were both married for twenty-two years. We both had two children and we lived a couple of hundred feet apart. We had never met before he had seen me in my dress and heels, even though we both had been living in this town for more than fifteen years.

I would get all dressed up and take my selfie stick to record walking on the deck. I loved the sound of my heels on the wood. I loved the sounds of my bracelets and earrings jingling. I did this for the two to three days that Linda allowed. I loved being outside, fixing my hair. I heard him before I saw him. The first time he saw me he called me a beautiful lady.

He said, "Oh, I'm sorry beautiful lady but my dog wants to visit you."

It was cute, that was his line. His big dog came up the steps to the deck and sniffed my ankles. I bent down and pet his neck, his head. he licked my hands. Logan told me if Merch, his dog liked me then he would like me too. I smiled, he was being so nice. I figured I would tell him I was a male dressed as a female and he would excuse himself and leave. I would give him the option. "Ooh let me go," He said, he ended up leaving, but just so he could feed the dog. He waved to me as I watched him walk back toward his house. I mentioned I would be dressed again in a couple of days if he so happened to come and visit me again. I didn't tell him that I didn't do it as much as I liked. I wanted him to think I had a choice.

Three days later after work, I was recording myself again, lost to the world, in a short red dress and high-heeled sandals. The dog ran up, he was so happy to sniff a familiar ankle. Logan seemed happier to see me too. We had wine, we talked, he laughed at my favorite movie selections, we took pictures, I laughed at his favorite fast-food restaurants. He held my hand to look at my extra-long red nails, I told him I felt very glamourous this morning and giggled. He said he wanted me to scratch his back and I did. We stayed talking for a couple of hours. I felt his hard shoulders and arms. I tickled him, he laughed. I forgot all about Linda. I completely forgot I wasn't a real woman.

But that was then, now we were going out together. In front of other people. People were hopefully going to assume.

I looked at the clock, it was still early, it was almost two. I pulled out my compact and checked my lips. I smiled, I looked so good, I was a beautiful 45-year-old woman. I said that out loud, "I think I'm a beautiful 45-year-old woman, in my own way, maybe from across the room... or across the street" I giggled, I had to remember what the girls from the salon told me or the ladies at the stores in the mall, they were always full of compliments and they made my courage and willpower a little stronger. No one would look at me funny, or weird, no one would think I was anything but female. Especially if I was out with a man.

"Sorry, I will be out with a man," I told my compact. "So I won't be home, forward all my calls."

The third time Logan came to the back deck I was wearing a long red gown. It was my favorite type of outfit, more red, redder, my favorite color too. The front was so low cut, my breasts were completely visible. I looked very slutty, I had on dark red lipstick on my perfect blowjob lips. I had on beige stockings and black four-inch pumps. My hair was brushed so nice and had hairspray on it to keep the style. I had on big black triangle earrings and a thin watch on my wrist. I also had on a big beige floppy hat, it was sunny, it was early. I was taking videos of myself posing. I had my phone on a chair and I was practicing sitting and crossing my legs. Bending to show off my breasts. The seam in full view of my camera. Merch barked and surprised me, I almost peed my panties. Logan asked me to take off my hat, he started playing with my real hair, he was constantly staring down at my chest.

Maybe I should of worn that dress for this date, Logan couldn't stop looking at me. He kept on glancing at my breasts. I was smiling the whole time, I was looking off into the forest behind the deck making believe I didn't know he was checking out the boob situation. My legs were completely out of my dress too. I had a slit up to the top of my thigh. I was constantly rubbing my legs, feeling the nylon, dangling my heels. I was bouncing my legs, feeling and hearing the swish of the nylons. Even my red silk panties would be seen if I shifted the right way. I wore that dress that day on purpose, I knew he was coming over, I knew he would love it and give me his full attention. I now had it all on video, the two of us talking and touching all afternoon.

I was still daydreaming by the window, my other heel fell off as I heard the car pull into the driveway. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stop shaking. I put my shoes on and stood by the door. I waited for him to knock, ring the bell.

Ding dong.

I got ready to open, to present myself. What was the big deal we have been together four times already? I opened the door. "Hi." I smiled, just another woman meeting her date.

"Hi, yourself, wow you look incredible in that dress." He was looking at my legs, he handed me flowers. "I'm sorry. I was spacing out a bit."

I smiled, "That's okay I do that all the time. I don't recognize you without the dog." I told him, then smelled the flowers. I invited him in, he was wearing a nice jacket and dress pants. He was in the house and Linda wasn't.

I showed him the old extension on the house, Linda had been discussing it with him. I showed him my room, the artwork on my walls, my stereo system, our wine bottles. I showed him the ceiling fan Linda installed, the wallpaper she put up, the new spices I bought at the market. I then showed him the two empty kids' bedrooms, he told me he had two empty rooms too. He held my hand as we looked at my daughters' drawings on her wall.

"Maybe we should go," I told him, I wanted to sit in his car I wanted to start this date, I didn't want it to start off so sad.

***

He reserved us the best table at La Traviotta, the best view of the gardens in the back, and the best view of the wine cellar. I told him that's one of the things I loved about this place.

"I always wanted a wine cellar," Logan said as the owner brought us over to look at his. There were over four hundred bottles. Logan found a year he liked, once he tasted it we walked back to our table, he pulled out my chair and I sat down. I was having fun already, we ordered the cheese plate.

"I am a sommelier."

Logan looked at me, "What? Really?"

"Mmm-mmm, I went to school in France then Italy, then worked in Monterey, among other places. But it was so far away from our little Southern California town." I smiled, he was paying attention, he was holding my hand. "The last time I was working for almost six months but Linda wanted me to come back, work from home, she said the kids missed me."

"Ah, you loved it?"

"I did, I try not to think about that part of my life. It was very different."

"You are getting more interesting and attractive by the second." He chuckled as he rubbed my arm. "Linda never mentioned that, what is your day job now?" He couldn't imagine a woman like me would be so interesting.

"I'm a video editor and sometimes a producer. I get something, I make something, I'm almost an artist. It doesn't take an awful lot of my time anymore. A couple of days a week. I also work with a couple of restaurants online, I help them pick out their beer and wine lists, I know a little bit of everything." I smiled, I didn't like to talk about myself but he was listening. "What do you do besides take your dog for walks?"

He laughed, he took my other hand. "I look for pretty women to have dinner with me."

"This is technically brunch. Oh and that's not a job."

"Says who? Sometimes it's a lot of work." We laughed it was nice. "I used to be a ‎Financial analyst, now I'm semi-retired. I now do whatever anyone asks me to do."

We ate the cheese and the jalapenos, pine nuts, and honey. We totally devoured the homemade bread. I told him I was thinking about quitting my job, I was part owner, maybe sell my half. I wanted to work in a restaurant or bar again, I wanted to meet people.

"What about Linda, what does she think?"

"She doesn't even listen to me, she thinks all my ideas are silly. Once the kids left the house she was done anyway, she moved on with her life. She ramped up her golf playing, she took on more clients." I shrugged. "But it's okay she's finally enjoying herself. Sometimes I don't think she even needs me. How about you, do you miss being married?"

"I do, I miss mornings the most. I miss waking up with someone." They started to bring more food, we smiled at the help. "I also miss company walking the dog, Natasha, my ex used to come with me. She wanted to keep the dog, so we compromised, I bring him over to where she works to visit."

"Oh, that's nice." I looked at him, he didn't seem that sad. He kept glancing down at my breasts, my hands even my earrings. I could tell he was enjoying this time with me. "You know, I would fight you to the death for the dog." I gave him a fierce look, squinting my eyes.

"Well, I would give him to YOU. He loves when I visit, heh. Then I would get to visit you more often too. But then YOU would have to take him to see Natasha. Sorry."

"I'll work something out." We laughed.

We then had salad, a main course, he let me pick out a Bordeaux, a French wine in an Italian restaurant, to eat with the filet mignon he ordered. I told him a story. "When I was in France, Bordeaux actually, I was working in a field. I wanted to learn how the grapes were picked, selected. I was with two men, they were both so much older than me. Dark from the sun, they were working so hard, they were sweaty, hot, and tired. We sat and had water under a couple of trees, and a little girl suddenly wandered over holding flowers."

"Out of nowhere? Did you ever see her before?"

"No, I was there for about three weeks already and there was no time to investigate the towns at all. The little girl was sniffling, she handed me the flowers. She spoke, but I couldn't understand her, the men told me she wanted to give me a gift because I was so white. She had never seen anyone so white before. She hugged, then kissed my legs, and then ran off. The men called me fantôme or phantom after that."

"That's such a nice story."

"I only saw her one more time, the day I was leaving. Almost a month later. Nobody at the vineyard knew who she was or had seen her around before. She gave me more flowers, she said, 'fleurs pour le joli fantôme.' I hugged her and gave her a bottle of wine, my watch, and a box of raisins. Imagine? it was all I had. I cried when the van I was in drove by her. She was waving to me. I waved back, I still miss her and I don't even know why."

***

We said goodbye to the owner and the staff. They invited us back for a special meal, pairing wines with dinner. They told me it would be nice talking with someone who knew about the wine they served. I took pictures of the wine cellar, artwork, and ephemera surrounding the bar. I wanted to show Linda, to remind her how beautiful this place was. We left, we walked around the neighborhood. Our neighborhood.

I loved listening to the sound of my heels clicking on the sidewalks, passing the people glancing our way, nodding their heads as a greeting. "Thank you." I told him, "for taking me out."

He smiled, he took my hand and we sat on a bench in front of a closed Dry Cleaning store. "Sabrina, I don't know how to tell you this." He put his hand to his face, "I hope you don't get mad at me." I turned toward him, I started to get nervous. I was thinking Linda told him something, he was somehow doing me a favor.

"What?"

"Well, I purposely went to your house. I was talking to Linda at the lumber yard, I have seen her several times since I started my project, you know she seems to know everything about hardware, permits, she's so informed." He looked at me, but I didn't want to talk about her. "She also told me about you, said her husband was a little bored, a little depressed, needed some company. That week I was behind the house on that state land, and I saw a pretty woman in a black dress on the deck. To me she was so beautiful, she was all I could think about. I thought at first it was a mirage, heh, I knew it wasn't Linda. I had to come up with a plan to meet her."

I was watching him, he wanted to meet a woman. I hoped that is how he still thought of me.

His arm went around me as people passed us, we smiled up at them. "Well, actually the dog came up with the plan I just followed, heh. I was surprised when you told me who you were. Pleasantly surprised. I was doing a favor for Linda and talking to a lovely woman at the same time." He lightly tapped my nose. "Two birds, one stone."

I looked at him, he kissed me. It was nice. We kissed again, my mouth opened and our tongues danced. Linda was twelve blocks away and I didn't care.

***

It wasn't that late, we were in front of my house. The lights were off, I didn't realize Linda would still be out.

"I was wondering," I looked over to him, I had my legs crossed, my nails were tickling my thighs. I had his complete attention, I was turning into a flirt. "Would you mind if we went to your house? I would love to see the dog."

He smiled and we drove off, we were at his house in six minutes.

He gave me the tour. Of course, Merch was happy to see me, I had on my Chanel perfume. The dog sniffed my ankles as we had coffee, we had some Baily's, I was enjoying myself. "Logan? Is this a date?"

"I think so, I'm sorry maybe I should have been more specific when I asked, heh."

I watched him pour more coffee, I grinned when he was done, I was enthralled. I was holding my hair out of my face, I liked wearing this dress, these heels, smiling in my pink lipstick. Linda would have never sat and had coffee, dessert, she would be in bed with her headphones. She would make me sleep in my own room if I was in girl mode. She would make me shower twice to get all the perfume off.

"Um, I like that you are this new woman, is it really only a year that you have been out dressing like this?"

I moved closer to him on the couch, I took out my phone. I had never shown these pictures to anyone. I always felt they weren't real, they were just some fairy-tale I imagined. "This is me in Bordeaux and then Paris, about ten years ago." I showed him pictures of me working, I learned and worked in six different places while I was there. I was very busy.

"Wow, you were always very beautiful, I didn't realize you were working as a woman. Living as a woman."

"I didn't want to leave there. The owners wanted me to stay but the family wanted to know why I wasn't coming home." I shrugged and showed him pictures of me from five, six years ago in Northern California. I wore such a long wig then, darker than my real color. "Linda was mad that I kept on going away for months at a time. She finally made the kids call again, and I missed them. Even though they were both away at college." I showed him more pictures from cafes and small bars that I had helped open or worked in. I considered it my other career in my other fairy-tale life.

"And who is that?" He was pointing to a tall man that had his arms around me.

"That is someone I met in San Francisco. He visited me quite a bit while I worked in Monterey." I showed him more of us together, some of us dancing and even one of us kissing. I missed him. "He's married now and doesn't call me anymore. That was the best two months of my life." I took a deep breath, I never told Linda about my liaisons with men, though there weren't that many.

I put my phone down, he put his arms around me tighter and I moved against him, my hand on his chest. He kissed the top of my head. "I like this, thanks for showing me those pictures. I'm glad I know more about you. Thank you for coming to my house and learning more about me."