Daydreaming on Deck

"Thank you, it is." Ricardo watched as a man walked over with his guitar, he said hello and talked to us, then he moved on into the restaurant. "That's Raymond, our entertainment. Does anyone else play guitar?"

"Sabrina does," Linda told them. Natasha and Ricardo were looking at me, I was playing with my wine glass.

"I also play piano, I taught both my kids and the neighbors' kids."

Natasha picked up her glass and we clinked, "It is important to teach children and to bring more music into this world," She laughed, we all laughed with her.

Ricardo stood and he helped the staff with more food, we ordered more wine. They poured. "So Sabrina, what do you think of this one?" He held the wine glass up. " It is grown and bottled right near here in Ramona."

I held it up to the light. "Mmm, the color looks perfect." Then I sniffed, I put almost my whole face into the large glass, I smiled, I was loving having an audience watch something I was great at. There weren't that many things where I was an expert, unlike Linda, who knew pretty much everything.

I tasted, just a sip, swirled it around my tongue, my cheeks. I sipped again, "Mmm, strong sense of black and blue fruit flavors, a very velvety mouthfeel." I took another sip, closed my eyes. I felt my long lashes flutter, "A nice long and rich finish of, mmm, vanilla maybe mocha, mmm some spices, baked apple spices. Ha," I started to giggle, I put my fingers to my lips, they were all paying attention to me, I definitely wasn't used to this, with Linda's friends I was usually put at the end of the table, sometimes with the children. I was used to it, I was never the priority up in Capistrano. "I'm sorry, it's a wonderful Cabernet, we should be enjoying it not studying it tonight."

"No," Natasha laughed, "It's good to know, to study, it makes the experience better. The more we know about food, wine, life, the better." She winked at me, we all clinked glasses and she kissed Ricardo, they were in love, they were enjoying themselves, just like us.

After dinner, Logan was drinking water, he was going to be driving back soon, and then Natasha asked me about my transition. I pet the dog a little more, he was my rock. I wasn't prepared for that question, Linda knew I was seeing a therapist but she didn't know I started on hormones. I hoped she wouldn't discover it now, here, I had a bigger mouth after a couple of glasses of wine.

"Sabrina is not transitioning." Linda looked at me, then at Natasha, "Sabrina is a regular, run-of-the-mill crossdresser." She got a little loud, a couple of the other customers turned around. She was embarrassing me.

I smiled, "We don't have to talk about me, we..."

Linda stood up, her chair fell backward, "Admit it, go on just admit you are a crossdresser, you sit in front of your fuckin' mirror jerking off and talking to yourself. I know, I have been living with you for over twenty years." She fixed her chair and sat down hard, then drank the rest of her wine. I excused myself and jogged into the ladies' room.

There was a knock, it was Logan, "Sabrina, are you okay?" I heard people talking, I had my hands on my face, I didn't want to be coddled, I just needed a little bit of time by myself. I heard Linda. She called me by my male name. I wouldn't answer.

"Just open up. We better leave I had too much to drink."

I didn't want to go, I put water on my face, I stood in front of the mirror. I looked terrible, there goes my theory that I look better in front of one. Hopefully, I look better in real life, but real life suddenly sucks.

Two weeks before I met Logan, Linda and I went out with her work friends to a German restaurant. I sat at the end, six people away from Linda. She never sat next to me when we went out, I think on some level she was disappointed in me. They got into a discussion about the answering machines at work, the phone company, the expense, then it escalated. They were soon cursing and laughing and hitting the table. I was looking at the paintings, the steins, I got up to wash my hands.

When I left the restroom I walked passed the bar, I noticed all these little bottles filled with brightly colored liquids. I told the bartender I was just looking, there was also a man at the end of the bar going through a book, the reservations list. "Excuse me," He called. "Would you like to try something?"

"Oh, no thanks, I'm just looking."

"Come on try something, from my hometown." He did have a thick Germanic accent. "Do you not drink alcohol?"

I smiled, "I drink lots of alcohol."

"Good." Soon we had two little glasses in front of us, with a clear liquid. "This is Bauer's Obstler, a schnapps distilled from apples and pears."

I tried it, "it's wonderful, not too sweet, and very strong." He then poured another, darker, heavier scent.

"This one is Kräuterlikör. Prost." He held up his glass and we clinked.

"This is fantastic, a lot of spice, feels great on the tongue. Where are you from?"

He finished his drink and smiled. "Ridgewood, Queens."

I said goodbye and vowed I would come and sit at the end of the bar with him the next time I came in. We would talk about New York City. I went back to the main room, six feet away. Everyone was gone. The workers were cleaning up.

I decided to walk home, which took about an hour and a half. Linda heard me walking into the hall, she was in bed, it was late. She called to me "Check the doors before you go to bed." She didn't miss me, she probably didn't even know I was missing, I felt like she was disappointed I came back.

***

I had to walk out of the restroom, I looked over and Natasha was waiting for me by the side, "Are you okay?"

I nodded.

"I'm sorry, let's get away from them, Ricardo will keep them busy. Let me show you something."

We walked to the back of the restaurant, she showed me pictures of her and Ricardo's time together in Mexico, Spain, Argentina. She showed me all the things she found on her travels. "All these pictures are from the last um, sixteen months, it looks like a lifetime." She smiled at me, I felt a little better. She showed me more pictures, older ones. One with her kids and her ex-husband. She put her finger on his image as she spoke. "Logan was an angel when I told him about Ricardo. We cried for days, it was hard for us." She looked at the rest of the pictures on the walls, I followed. "I will never forget how he made me feel like it wasn't my fault, it was fate." I hugged her, we moved out of the way of other customers, we started to cry.

She shook her head, wiped her eyes with her sleeve. She took both of my hands. "On Saturday I got you an interview at the winery in Ramona. It is just a formality, they just want to talk."

"Really about what?"

"Well about working there, Logan says you are ready to move on, maybe even leave Capistrano, leave, well you will have to decide. The winery is another twenty minutes south. It's actually closer to where we live. There are also other places interested." She smiled, she grabbed my arm. We walked around the restaurant, she introduced me to a couple of her favorite customers. I saw Linda watching me, I saw her disapproving. She didn't look that sorry anymore.

We ended up sitting with an older couple. Natasha introduced us, "Maryanne, Raoul, this is Sabrina she is from Capistrano, where I used to live."

"Ooh we love it there, we have friends near Mission Bell Park, we go visit a couple of times a year." I smiled, I held their hands we had some tequila together. They laughed when I asked for extra salt and drank the whole shot.

"I'm sorry I drink like a girl," I said and they laughed.

"Sabrina might be working at the winery," Natasha told them.

"Not in Ramona?"

"Of course."

"We love it there, you will enjoy it, tell Marco we said hello. Tell him to give you a raise already." They winked at me as we got up to leave. They made me take the bottle of tequila.

Natasha and I then went outside to the front of the restaurant, we took the stairs to a lower level. She opened the door, "This is going to be our wine cellar, we have been waiting for someone to help us, you have stepped into our lives at the most perfect moment." She held my hand as I looked around, the temperature was perfect, it was dark and it was as big as the restaurant. "Fate once again."

"Fate, serendipity, or maybe even just a daydream."

We walked through another door. A little room, a couple of windows, a bed, desk, chair, and more wine. "If you want you could stay here, we only use it when we drink too much, heh. Which are most nights of course. Think about it. But make sure you come Saturday. Do something for yourself... and Logan, but mainly for yourself. Ricardo, and I will be right here if you need anything. Everyone needs a second chance, even Linda."

***

It was quiet going back home in the car, I was still in the back but now I was laying on the dog, my curly hair mixing with his black fur. I didn't want to even see Linda in my peripheral vision, thinking she would embarrass me again. An hour and a half later when we got to her work, Logan let her out near her car, I stayed making her believe I was sleeping on the dog.

"Let's go," She knocked on the back window.

"I'm going to get my car, it's in the salon's parking lot."

"Come on, now, get it tomorrow."

She was once again treating me like one of the kids. I said goodbye to Logan, I was hoping he would kiss me but I didn't want to chance it. I started to go into the backseat, I wasn't thinking, then she yelled at me again.

She started driving, we weren't that far from home, we followed Logan's car. She shut off the music, "What was that all about?"

I looked at her, I didn't really know what she was talking about, there was no underlining reason to go out for dinner. Logan just wanted her to talk to Natasha and Ricardo, just to show her that sometimes life takes a different turn, a better one.

"Well? They seem to think you and Logan are in some type of relationship."

I stayed quiet, I didn't want to talk about this, it was too late, I was too tired. I just rubbed my eyes.

"And I thought we discussed the wine school, the wineries, whatever. I thought you were over that."

"We didn't really discuss that, I just miss it, that's all. I think I need a change."

"Ugh... You know why you could never work in that industry. At least not in the U.S."

I did know, it was stupid, it was an impulse. "I know, but I could explain."

"Explain, I know what you would do, you would just try to take a job as a woman, a trans woman, all of your certificates have your fucking female name, how stupid could you have been. You should of asked me, you could of been working in that field for years. You could of been working in LA. In the industry, not just restaurants."

I put on the music, I wanted a distraction, but she turned it off again. "You are just another one of the kids sometimes."

We were in front of the house, thank god we wouldn't have to finish this conversation.

***

I slept in my room, alone again, with the door locked. Linda was talking through it but I ignored her. It was such a wonderful week and now it was hell, but this time it was mostly my fault. I fell asleep listening to music.

I woke up to her banging on my door, "I'm leaving in a half-hour, I have to meet Helene."

I forgot she was going away, I got up, I washed, and then put on my robe. I took my makeup off the night before but I still looked completely feminine. My eyelashes, eyebrows, lips, even my double pierced ears. I primped my hair and put one side over my ear. It was so unlike the last week when I was in lingerie under my robe and semi-gender non-specific on the outside.

She was at the dining room table, her bags were on the floor. I was behind her, she turned around. "God, I hate that fuckin' hair. Maybe by the time I get home, you will shave it off." She started to laugh, I was thinking I haven't shaved in almost a year.

"You were mean to me in front of everyone last night. You have done that before and you never apologize."

She moved closer to me, I could tell she was getting angry, this was going to ruin her weekend.

"Well usually it's because you say something stupid, or you're not paying attention, or you bring up some reference that nobody knows. It's never me it's always YOU." I knew she didn't pay any attention to me, I was always so quiet. Last night I was with people with who I could actually converse, obviously, I was making company all these years with the wrong crowd. I think I was even married to the wrong person.

She finished packing, she zipped up her bags, poured coffee into her metal thermos.

"It won't be ME anymore. I have a job interview tomorrow. I am going to take it."

"What? Where?"

"It's a vineyard, someplace called Ramona Ranch, it's near Natasha and Ricardo."

"And what was up with them last night, they were so infatuated with you. They kept on asking you questions... It was ridiculous. Logan too." She picked up her bags she headed towards the door. "Believe me you are not that interesting or even that likable. You don't even look that much like a female. Shit!" She looked at me, she was waiting for a response. She was being mean to me on purpose and I was glad, she was giving me strength, just like Merch did last night. "And you know, I was going to start having a little thing with Logan, I figured he was single and we kept on running into each other, heh. I know we aren't working out well anymore." She pushed herself out the door.

I called while she was outside, part of me didn't even want her to hear me. "I'm not going to be here when you get home. Have fun on your trip." I turned around and walked to my room, she didn't make a sound, she didn't move. Then I heard the front door once I was in my room. I had the door locked, the stereo nice and loud, Joni Mitchel then Julie Covington then Kirsty MacColl, all of mine and the kids' favorites, keeping me from hearing Linda yell through my bedroom door. Sunday night will be a different world for both of us, for all of us.

I finally heard the car take off, the front screen door was broken and off its hinges. Something for Linda to fix, give her something to do besides playing golf once she gets home from her weekend.

***

Once I was dressed, I made some phone calls. I was at the table in a simple light beige dress, beige pantyhose, and mocassins. I called my business partner and asked him to take over the whole business. He was surprised, but he said he would.

I then called the kids and explained to them that I was transgender. They both said they knew, they knew for years, it was easier than I thought, I didn't feel bad at all when I said goodbye, hanging up with each of them, staring off into space. I was smiling thinking they took more after me. Jenny was working as a photographer, she was a whizz at photoshop, she was very busy. She lived about a half-hour away from Las Vegas, it wasn't too far, and she loved it. Sometimes she sang and played piano at one of the small clubs near the casinos. I would drive to Nevada and watch, then sleep in the car before making the trip home. I was always proud of her, especially her song selection. Her last song was always 'Days' by Kirsty MacColl, it always made me cry, it made everybody cry. I usually bought everyone a drink and told them that was my daughter. Linda never came, she thought Jenny was being frivolous and wasting her sleeping time. 'Days' would float around my mind for days.

'Thank you for the days

Those endless days, those sacred days you gave me

I'm thinking of the days

I won't forget a single day believe me'

Marc was a manager of a hotel in New York City, In Tribeca. He always wanted to live in New York City. He wanted to visit the museums, the theaters, the concert venues. When he finally went to Madison Square Garden to see a concert he sent me so many pictures, I was very happy and proud of him. He was having a great time and then he met a woman there, now his girlfriend, they have been living together for about a year. I have a picture of them being chased out of a VIP area by security guards in the Garden. It was taken on a security camera, it always makes me laugh.

Neither of my children could put up drywall, fix an outlet or even balance their checkbook. Neither of them would ever leave me at a restaurant. I started to think they were exactly like me, I couldn't wait to tell Logan. I couldn't wait until Linda discovers it for herself.

Mark and Jenny both wanted me to visit when everything quieted down when things became more normal. I knew things would become normal soon I wasn't worried at all. I was going to be on a plane or sleeping in my car in no time.

I heard a noise, a noise in the back, on the deck. I looked out the window, Merch was standing tall on the ledge of the window looking in, his tail was wagging.

I called Logan. "Hi, I have your dog."

"Merch really, you came to visit?"

"No he showed up, I gave him a can of chunky beef soup, cold of course." We laughed.

"Today is the end of construction, the men must have left one of the gates open. I will be home in a couple of hours. Can you let him watch you for a couple of hours, you can show him some of your brushes?"

"I can, I'm glad you two are so alike."

We started to talk, I was keeping him from working but he didn't rush me off. I told him that I realized the trip to Escondido wasn't about us, or Linda, it was about me and I wanted to thank him. Mainly because it was never about me. I wouldn't see him until later so I packed. I packed some of my female clothes. Some of my makeup and shoes, some of my accessories that have been hiding in my closet. I wanted to show them off. I was finally leaving Linda's home, as of right now I wouldn't miss her, and I wouldn't miss her house. I would mainly miss the two empty children's bedrooms. The back deck was all I ever really enjoyed, everything else reminded me of hiding and locking and hoping nobody needed the bathroom. I was ready to become me. I was ready to say goodbye to all this daydreaming in my head. Maybe I was just on deck waiting for real life to start, just like Natasha, just like Ricardo.

***

I decided I was going to walk Merch through the little woods, through the trees to his home. I found a long rope and tied it to his collar, he watched me try to make a knot. I took my bag filled with a few things, I headed to Logans' place, I wanted to see what it looked like from the back, holding a big dog. I was hoping he was outside on his deck by the time I got there.

It was further than I thought. It took about twenty minutes, I just followed the dog. Driving, we were exactly six minutes apart. I saw him on the deck, he was setting up his table, he was waiting for company. I let go of the dog as he ran and bounded up the steps. They were happy to be reunited again. I was still in the woods, surrounded by trees, surrounded by my uncertainty and shyness. Linda called me uninteresting, unlikeable and she told me I didn't look like a woman. I guess Logan didn't care, he walked down the stairs and walked over to me. Of course, I had drifted off, he was in front of me before I realized it. He took my bag, he kissed my lips. He then took my arm and led me up the stairs. We were quiet, there was food cooking, there was music playing. He took me in his arms and we danced.

***

It was wonderful being here with the two of them, drinking wine and talking about nothing at all. My phone rang. My heart stopped I didn't want to talk to Linda.

It was Angela. "Um, Sabrina are you coming in today? Your car is in the parking lot and everyone is stopping by thinking you are here."

"Oh, I forgot. I'm sorry, I'm about to have hamburgers with Logan. You know what? Have everyone come here, to his house. He has got plenty of room, haha." I was being facetious.