Dead and Horny Ch. 23

Hi, all! Annabelle Hawthorne has returned once again to bring you yet another chapter of "Sexy monster girls who punch shit really hard and maybe stab a few things between getting laid." The title was too long to fit, though, and my therapist had a few thoughts on the matter.

New readers, welcome! The best place to start is at HFHM Ch. 001 if you really want to know what the hell is going on. From there, read Books 1-3, then D&H Ch 1-12, then Books 4-5 of HFHM, then D&H 13-now. But if you're horny for some werewolf on vampire violence, go right ahead, I'm not in charge of you.

Returning reader? Welcome back! This is the second to last chapter of this book, so we are almost there! I hope things are going well for you since last we met, I've been an extremely busy bee. I've also been very grateful to the lit community for indulging this deviation from my main series, thank you all so much for the kind words and comments. Make sure you check my bio to see when the final chapter is supposed to release, I really do stick to that schedule as best as I can!

A huge shout out to my beta team who spent forever cleaning this mess up for me. A ton of time goes into making sure the stuff I drop on you all is at least partially clean. I love sharing these stories with you, but want to (reasonably) polish them up because you deserve it.

Speaking of mistakes, I know I typed vampire earlier, but for those of you who have been reading along, you know that I actually meant

Vampyr

The church was filled with the moans of the living as the undead fought to tear them apart. The room stank of blood and gunsmoke, burning through Tasia's olfactory senses so hard that her eyes teared up. But none of this mattered to her as she threw herself repeatedly at the wiry figure in front of her.

Timotei. The vampyr was fast, and insanely strong, definitely more powerful than any vampire she had heard of. She had picked him up one time and rammed his skull through a support beam, only for him to come out the other side with just a scratch across his forehead. For all her raw strength and primal instinct, he always seemed to be one step ahead of her.

However, he wasn't able to get the upper hand, either. He had tried to put her in a submission hold from behind, but she was too large. Earlier he had broken her knee with a roundhouse kick that would have totaled a car, but the break had healed almost instantly. Random gunfire tore holes through the both of them, but that was little more than background noise right now.

The two of them danced around each other, neither gaining more than a brief upper hand. Timotei's constant shrieking about his daughter was emotionally painful, but Tasia had already distanced herself. She wasn't about to forfeit her own life over a child-like murder machine.

Eventually, she managed to pin him down, her foot on his back as she pulled both of his arms back in an attempt to rip them off. Between the shouting and the gunfire, she heard the distant sound of a car pulling up to the church. Hoping that help hadn't just arrived, she crouched down and pulled as hard as she could, feeling Timotei's joints creak under the pressure. The vampyr hissed in agony, but did little to resist.

The car outside stopped. After a short amount of time, it started up once more and the gravel crunched as it pulled away.

"No. NO!" Timotei's loose arms suddenly went tight in Tasia's arms. "He was supposed to come in here. HE WAS SUPPOSED TO COME IN HERE!"

Tasia couldn't even respond, her lupine form was terrible for communicating with words. Her claws slipped on Timotei's arms, so she tried to dig them into his skin.

A high, keening wail came from the vampyr as he threw himself backward, toppling her with ease. He ran to the closest window, completely ignoring the melee around him.

"He's leaving! Why is he leaving?" He spun in place and jabbed a finger at Tasia. "If he won't come here for you, then I will bring you to him!"

Tasia raised her hands in a "bring it" gesture. Timotei stepped toward her, his high speed movements blurring as he leapt to the side and slapped his hands down on one of the remaining Legion parishioners.

"Wha--" was all Legion managed to say before Timotei picked the body up and sank his fangs into the demon's neck. Another Legion froze and spun to look at the vampyr.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" demanded the demon, then tried to run away when Timotei cast the withered husk to the ground and charged forward to grab the one that had spoken. Tasia watched in horror as the vampyr quickly drained several of the men and women who were remaining, leaving dried up bags of skin and bone on the floor. With each body drained, he moved faster and more gracefully than before. She had seen victims of a vampire feeding, but they were usually bloodless. These people looked like all the moisture had been sucked free of them, their hair even withering up and turning gray.

Timotei, on the other hand, exuded a powerful aura as he exploded forward, clawed hands grasping for her throat. He easily ripped her off balance, then smashed her through the nearest wall. They crashed into the kitchen, sending racks of food spilling across the floor.

"I tire of this," he said, picking himself up off the floor. Tasia made a fist and threw a haymaker that connected squarely with Timotei's face. The vampyr took the blow and sailed back through the hole they had made, but all the knuckles in Tasia's fist broke upon impact. She howled in pain, clutching her hand to her stomach as the digits slowly squirmed beneath her fur, struggling to realign themselves.

"The Lord demands adversity," said Timotei through the wall. He shoved aside the broken plaster and stepped back into the kitchen. A small bruise on his jaw was already fading away. "Through this challenge, I shall become worthy once more of His love and forgiveness."

What a fucking whackjob. Remembering the apartment, Tasia looked around in hopes of finding a spice rack. They had packed some spices and rice in the backpack to deal with Timotei, but that had been lost early on in the fight.

Timotei slammed into her from behind, the two of them tumbling over the counter. Tasia bit down on the vampyr's hand, but he curled his fingers around the fangs of her lower jaw and squeezed.

"Did you really think a mere dog could stand up to a proper vampyr?" He yanked her head down and delivered an uppercut that caused the world to dangerously narrow to a dark tunnel. "You are unholy, an abomination before the eyes of the Lord. You have forfeited your humanity, and for what? Fleas and belly rubs?"

A flying knee caught her in the temple, and she fell onto the ground, her sides heaving as she panted. Whimpering, she tried to get up on all fours, but Timotei threw a mean right cross that ruptured something in her eye.

"I was forced to stray from the light." He grabbed Tasia by the scruff of her collar and started dragging her toward the door. "The Holy Father tests me because he knows that I am worthy. HE KNOWS THAT I AM WORTHY!"

Tasia couldn't respond. Her limbs twitched as her brain struggled to reconnect to her body. Even when she had been forced to fight her own kind, the fights hadn't been this one-sided. She whined as Timotei dragged her back into the nave and pulled her up the long, blood-stained ramp. If there were any living Legions left, she didn't see them. It was all zombies now.

The vampyr came to a halt as a dark figure dropped down from above and crashed into the pews. Crimson wings flared dramatically outward as Lily rose, her eyes smoldering with flames.

"Demon." Timotei let go of Tasia. "I won't let you stand in my way."

"Good." Lily sauntered into the aisle, her tail sliding across the corpse of a mercenary and caressing his cheek. "You see, now that I'm not in a cage, things will be different."

Timotei shook his head. "I went easy on you. Deacon's orders."

"Speaking of the good reverend..." Lily opened her mouth and the most unholy shriek of pain came from deep within. Timotei actually took a step back when he recognized Deacon's voice. "He's giving me heartburn."

"Foul temptress." Timotei hunched his shoulders and took a step forward. "I would rid the world of you if I could."

The front door of the church banged open, and Eulalie stepped inside. She was holding her mace out in front of her like a talisman, her eyes scanning the room before settling on Timotei.

"Is it just him?" she asked, her gaze dropping to Tasia.

"He's mine," Lily declared, licking her lips. "We have unfinished business."

"Please, don't." Eulalie rolled her eyes and moved forward to join the succubus. "If we team up, we drop him fast. If I let you do it by yourself, this all turns into a stupid trope."

Tasia clenched her fingers and opened her wounded eye. Already, she was feeling better.

"Let's do this count--" Lily's eyes went wide as Timotei vanished and reappeared right in front of her. "Chocula?"

Timotei punched her. The one-two combo knocked Lily off balance, and Timotei grabbed Lily by the horns and rammed his knee into her jaw, launching her backward. Eulalie threw her mace, which Timotei dodged without even looking at. As the vampyr twirled out of the way of Lily's tail, Tasia noticed that his eyes were now just dark orbs.

Timotei bared his fangs and hissed, then drove his fingernails into a pew and slammed it into Lily with enough force that it exploded. Eulalie moved forward to help out, but Timotei grabbed her by the shoulders and headbutted her so hard that she stumbled to the ground. The Arachne collapsed into a tiny ball of legs and rolled away out of sight.

"He's fast!" Eulalie now skittered across the wall, ducking behind a pillar to avoid a thrown pew. Her forehead was bleeding.

"Strong, too." Lily stood and pushed her jaw back into place. She moved to distract the vampyr from Eulalie, and was forced to dodge away as Timotei teleported once more across the room.

No, he wasn't teleporting. He really was moving that fast. Tasia groaned and stood, her legs finally steady again. Why hadn't he just taken his daughter back by force if he was this ridiculously strong?

Timotei was distracted by Lily, so Tasia grabbed him from behind and squeezed, hoping she could hold him in place. Lily dodged forward and tried to blind him with her tail, but he turned his head at the last moment. The magical mace slammed into his temple, doing no damage, and then Eulalie was there with a small cloth made of spider silk which she stuck to his head.

Timotei shook them all off, then stumbled around trying to pull the webbing off his face. The trio tried to get back in, but it occurred to Tasia that nothing they were doing was actually hurting him. Even if they got the upper hand, how were they supposed to take him out?

"Gah!" Timotei ripped the webbing free of his face, taking skin along with it. He contemplated the sticky mass in his hands and turned his full attention on Eulalie. "You."

"Eep." Eulalie barely managed to leap out of the way as Timotei lunged for her, his taloned fingers going for her throat.

"Don't you dare!" Lily managed to get between the two of them, but the vampyr spiked the succubus so hard into the ground that smoke actually erupted from her body. Tasia made an attack of her own, slashing with her claws as Timotei ducked out of the way and then kicked her in the chest.

"Shit, shit, shit!" Eulalie had dropped her chitinous armor and was leaping around the room, barely avoiding Timotei. Tasia recognized almost immediately that the Arachne lacked combat experience, relying solely on her instincts for survival.

It wasn't enough. Timotei moved ahead of Eulalie and snatched her out of the air before pile driving her into the ground.

"Where we come from, we step on spiders." He wrapped his hands around her head and started to twist. "But this will have to do."

From above came the sound of footsteps, and then Dana was sailing through the air, her arms crossed in front of her. Timotei actually stopped trying to break Eulalie's neck, curious eyes on the blonde as she cleared the forty foot distance between them with ease.

The moment before impact, Dana whipped her arms out and forward. Twin blades unfolded, the overhead lights glinting off of their silvered edges as she brought them down. Caught off guard, Timotei didn't move in time. One of the swords caught him on the forearm, spilling his blood on the carpet.

"Get away from her," said Dana, her eyes wild and twitching. "Stay away from my friend."

Timotei sneered at her. "When I'm done with you, I'm going to kill--" The vampyr trailed off as Dana ran the bloodied sword along her tongue, then moaned in ecstasy at the taste.

"You taste delicious." Dana smacked her lips as her head jerked to the side like a junky seeking a fix. "And I want more."

"I see." The vampyr bared his teeth. "You won't leave here alive."

Dana laughed hysterically, her pupils dilating as she focused on Timotei. "Finally, we agree on something!" she cried, then lunged forward, her movements becoming a blur.

Tasia stared in awe as the two of them ripped and slashed at each other. Dana was nearly Timotei's match for speed, her blades glowing brightly as their innate magic ignited on contact with the vampyr's skin.

"Hey." Eulalie slapped a hand down on Tasia's shoulder. "This is super bad right now, but I have a plan."

Tasia gestured forward quizzically, as if to say "How the hell do we beat that?"

"Lala?" Lily joined them, using her wings to swat away a stray zombie. "Better make it quick."

Do you remember when I mentioned I had a plan B?" Eulalie rummaged around in her pockets and pulled out a small device. "I've got one for him and one for them." She gestured toward the zombies.

"What is that?" asked Lily.

"Detonator." Eulalie grinned. "For the bombs I planted. This place is packed with C4."

Tasia's jaw dropped.

"You rigged this place to blow?" Lily swatted away another zombie with her tail. "Why the fuck would you do that?"

Eulalie shrugged. "If we couldn't get you out, I was gonna blow the whole place up just on principle. Figured that would free you of whatever cage they had put you in, give us some more options."

"I fail to see how that helps us now," muttered Lily.

"We need to get him into the attic." Eulalie pocketed the detonator. "I need to deactivate my signal jammer and then I'll be back down to help." The Arachne flexed her legs and leapt straight up into the air nearly thirty feet before landing on a pillar and scurrying away into the rafters.

Tasia jabbed a finger in Dana's direction and made a grunting sound.

"Shit, I don't know. Just go punch the fucker until he stops moving." Lily rolled her eyes as hellfire sprouted along her horns. "C'mon, let's go give this asshole the mean girl treatment."

At last, they were speaking the same language.

Dana's heart was pounding so hard she could hear it in her ears. When she opened her mouth to breathe, she could taste the ash, soot, and blood in the air. It was like breathing in vaporized rocket fuel, and every engine inside her body had finally ignited.

Eulalie looked up from her character sheet, her eyes studying the table. "So I've been crunching the numbers--"

"Which is code for bullshit." Velvet reached over toward Bigfoot and stole the chip bowl. "You're not actually doing math over there."

Eulalie rolled her eyes, then looked at Dana. "She failed algebra, can't comprehend any numbers bigger than twenty."

"I also don't need algebra." Velvet stacked the chips and shoved them in her mouth. "Ah'm a mountain girl."

"Anyway, we're just one bad roll away from disaster." She gestured at the cultist figurines. They had formed a circle around a pentacle that Bigfoot had drawn in red marker. "We're low on health and need to increase the odds that we take one of them out. Ideas?"

"Fireball." Velvet pointed at the middle of the pentacle. "You could hit all of them."

"I could, but I have reason to believe that somebody here has planned for that." Lala scowled at Bigfoot. He shrugged and popped open another beer. "So I was thinking Haste."

"Haste?" Dana looked down at her character sheet, which had become blurry. On the table, the figurines had become distorted, their cloaks now replaced with outfits that looked more at home in a church.

"Yeah, pretty much gives you an extra turn." Velvet leaned forward over the table, a wide grin on her face. Her whole body was now translucent. "Combos really well with Two-Weapon Fighting."

Timotei's movements were no longer difficult to follow. In fact, he was now moving at regular speed as he tried to rip out Dana's throat, but she brought up the swords to block. The vampyr hissed, the sound reminding her of a cracked tea kettle. The world around them had come to a crawl as Lily and Tasia spread out, moving slowly to pin Timotei in from the sides.

Eulalie cast Haste on Velvet's ranger, whose turn came next. The Arachne sprinted through the cultists' defensive line, causing Bigfoot to make attack of opportunity rolls.

"All misses," he said.

"But didn't a 15 hit before?" asked Dana, her voice echoing oddly in her own head.

"Bonus to armor class, cause I'm a fast girl now." Velvet was smug as she picked up her dice and pointed to the nearest cultist. "It's stabbing time!"

Dana scored another hit on Timotei, and jumped away before he could grab her by the wrist. She licked the blade again, her whole body practically vibrating with excitement as the vampyr's blood flooded her with energy once more. Understanding blossomed somewhere deep within her, granting sinister knowledge that was both beautiful to behold yet difficult to accept.

"I will rip off your face." Timotei's words came out slurred, his features twisting up like an old rag being drained of water. He picked up a piece of a broken pew, then hopped backward toward the stage. Even though he appeared to be moving at normal speed, Dana's brain still acknowledged that everything was happening quite fast. When Timotei's feet touched the stage, he lunged forward so quickly that Dana was only able to parry aside the claw that reached for her face.

The broken pew splintered against her ribs but still managed to puncture a lung. She collapsed for only a moment, her left arm going numb, then rolled away and lashed out with her right arm. Timotei leaned away from the strike, then caught Lily's tail to the face.

Lily's massive scorpion's stinger had sprouted barbs, and he was yanked off his feet and smashed into the ground. He grunted on impact, clutching at the tail with both hands as Lily smashed him into zombies and furniture alike.

"Hell yeah!" Velvet pumped her fist as Dana's barbarian tackled the cultist assassin who had emerged from the shadows. "Three players is way better than two!"

Dana couldn't help but smile. The Arachne's enthusiasm was contagious. She grabbed the bowl of chips and was about to eat some when she remembered that she wasn't actually hungry for food. Yet another dead girl thing. Staring down at her miniature, she pondered the fact that her burly mountain dwarf now had wings and a tail. Had it always been that way?

Looking up from the table, she saw that the cabin was gone. All around them, blurry figures shifted around busted furniture, with pockets of activity toward the corners. A massive crack had formed in the memory. Looking back down at the table, she realized that something was sticking out of her chest.

Dana paused to yank the stake out of her chest. The movement actually stung a little, which caused her to pause in contemplation. Her concentration ebbed and flowed, and she was now firmly back in her body.