Dead Light Camera

"That's my girl. I love you, too. I'll talk to you later, love."

"Have a great show, baby. Wish I could be there." I knew she'd live up to her part of the deal, now I had to get through this to ask her.

We met in the parking lot. Tyler was alone. He played with his ears, like he was trying to get some blockage out. I walked over to him and hugged him, as he sobbed into my shoulder.

He stage-whispered into my ear, unable to hear his own voice, "Jake left for the airport. He said there was no future for us." He sobbed like a child. I just squeezed him tighter, telling him I was sorry and knowing both that he couldn't hear me, and that it didn't matter a damn.

Ronnie and Mel joined us for a morose meet up.

"Where's Danny?" Kevin asked. He still didn't get it.

I turned and looked at my friend. "We gotta go man. We can't wait any longer."

"What the ever-living-fuck?" Kevin yelled. "Fuck! We're so goddamn close and that fucking asshole goes AWOL."

"Look," I said, knowing we had to play this through. "I can shift to keys. I know his parts. You'll have to take lead guitar duties. I can fill in on rhythm in a few places, but we'll be fine." I tugged on Tyler's hand to clue him in we were discussing things. He smiled, silently thanking me for watching out for him. "Ronnie and Tyler can handle their parts."

Kevin knew I was able to handle it. He looked between Ronnie and Tyler. I swear I saw Ronnie shiver when he got a good look at Kevin in the low light of the parking lot. Welcome to the club, Ronnie.

Tyler and I took the van. The rest piled in Kevin's car and we were off towards whatever fate awaited us. I used the speech-to-text feature on my phone to spell out to Tyler what I knew about Danny, Liv and Kevin. I had to stop to let Tyler puke along the roadside when I told him about Danny. Then I let him know that this could've been the fate of he and Jake had they not paid up. This set off a new round of tears, which I just let him roll with. I would've joined him, but I had to drive, and I felt pretty much out of tears at the moment.

Anyways, I needed to save mine for later.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

We explained Danny taking a runner to the club manager, but assured him we would take the stage. He was a pretty jaded guy and had seen it all before, anyways. He wished is a good show and we got everything set up.

I set Tyler into his drum kit. Even with his hearing almost completely gone, he could still feel the rhythms, and of course he knew all the songs, so he and I worked out a signaling system where I would let him know transitions and tempos from gestures and head nods. He was a solid drummer, anyways, so this wasn't that much different from some of the louder shows we'd done in the past.

A quick stop backstage and we'd be going on in about an hour. Ronnie, Mel and Tyler both hovered around me, as if I would protect them. I sure as shit didn't feel like anyone's savior at the time. Liv and Kev talked quietly, while the rest of us avoided looking at their faces. Liv knew we were avoiding them and why; she did it with the same quiet dignity and grace she always carried herself with.

As we headed out to the stage, I stayed behind for a minute with Liv.

"I'm so sorry, Liv," I said. She nodded, the mark barely masking her beauty. I leaned over and gave her a soft kiss on the cheek.

"I love you, Tim," she said, flooring me. "There's nothing to be done about it, but you've always been the best of us."

"I love you, too."

"I know." Her smile was small, delicate. Much like her.

I so wanted to take her hand, fuck all that, and run. We'd come up with something. But one look at her, and I knew she was resolved. She was far braver and stronger than I was.

"Please stay safe. Come out with us. Stay close. Stay around people," I pleaded.

"I will. Now go." She shooed me away.

I latched on to her hand, refusing to leave her there, alone. I knew what she risked being alone. I pulled her towards where Mel was staying. I leaned over and yelled so Mel could hear me over the warm-up noise. "Do not leave her alone. Do not let her go anywhere without you. I'm counting on you."

I think Mel knew exactly what I was asking. She nodded and said she would. I gave them both a hug and went to the stage.

Down a man, facing some sort of reckoning and fatigued from the malevolence of the recent events, I thought we'd barely limp through the first song. But no. We played for our lives.

It was the most amazing show we'd ever played. Tyler and Ronnie were a brick wall of driving rhythms and gave me a foundation to support Kevin. He was a madman on guitar, playing deftly and sparingly when he wanted to bring the crowd in together for a soft moment, and then blowing the roof off the place once the song lifted. Solos were played with alternating angst and confidence, weaving the melody into newfound heights. It was a master class in blending audience and music into a single pulsing organism.

We hit the mid-set break, and the sell-out crowd thrummed with the anticipation of a killer last set. Quick bottles of water, and a pep talk, and we were ready for the anything. Ronnie and Tyler hit the stage and the crowd roared.

Kevin pulled me aside. He was hoarse, but the thrill of the show made him grin through the red veil. "Show of our lives, boy-o!" He put his arm around my shoulder. "It's been a privilege calling you my friend. I love you, man, but I need you to take care of Liv after this. Promise me!"

I reared back as if he had slapped me. "I ... I-"

"I'm not that fucking dumb, man. I saw my phone after Danny's call. Put two and two together. I'm sorry I got everyone into this mess. I wish I could get us out. But let's go out with them wanting more, 'K? He turned and bounded on stage. The crowd went berserk.

I sobbed for about ten seconds, wondering about what could have been, when I felt a push from behind. Mel and Liv. I walked on stage to a crowd that was already at a boiling point; I seemed to push it over the top. I quickly got in place behind the keyboards, and with an opening stab, we were off again.

If the first set was the prelude, we concluded like virtuosi at the top of our game. We wove harmony and melody in a tapestry of sound fueled by the fears of our future and the joys of our past. Kev's storytelling was reflected in the emotions from the front row. We were determined that no one would leave this show having anything left. Energy, emotion and voice, we were determined to wring every last bit out of that crowd. And we did.

By the time we left the stage and our last encore, everyone, us and the crowd, was running on fumes. Delirious, happy fumes, but there was nothing left. And we still had a night to get through.

We made it back stage, with water and some fruit for everyone. There were great vibes from the club staff and the backstage gatherers, but we were all quiet. Contented smiles and the confidence of a job well done, but we were, for the most part, silent.

We entertained the A&R guys, and the club manager; each asking for a little more from us. A contract of so many records, so many tour dates. The manager had heard about us adding after-tour shows, and wanted in on the deal as well. We smiled, saying we'd get back to him on that, but if we'd do it, his club would be at the top of our list. He left happy, giving us a six pack of local beer as a thank you.

We went out and did a minimal break down, since we had another show to go, but we packed up the guitars and keyboards and brought them out to the van.

Back at the motel, it was after midnight and we gathered in my room, as I was the only one who didn't have a roommate or start with one. Danny wasn't mentioned at all. Each of us had a beer or two, and spoke quietly about anything except what we were terrified of.

Mel checked her watch. "Oh, Happy Halloween everyone." Everyone just stopped and looked at her. She shrugged awkwardly. "Sorry."

Ronnie grabbed Mel. "G'night everyone."

"You gonna be OK?" I asked. They both nodded.

Tyler nodded and mumbled that he was off too. I waved and mimicked texting to him. He nodded.

The last two, the veiled couple, sat on the edge of the bed. Once again, I was in the chair watching them.

Kevin rose. "Great show man," he stuck out his hand. I stood, and hugged him. What can be said? How do I explain to him how sorry I am? How will I go on with out him? He's been my best friend for as long a time as anyone.

"I'm gonna get ready for bed. Liv's gonna stay here for a bit."

"Kev-"

"Nah, man. I'm tired," his back slaps were shaking me, making me sob for my friend and for what could have been, had we been a little more careful, a little less arrogant.

He pulled away, his own cheeks red and wet. He turned and bent over Liv, giving her a gentle kiss on the cheek. He whispered into her ear, to which she nodded, looked up at him again and nodded. She wrapped a hand around his head and gave him on last kiss. He then straightened up and walked out the door.

I watched the door, hoping that he would swagger back into the room. Instead, I felt small hand slid into mine.

My phone rang. The room began to spin around me and my heart was pounding so hard, I thought it would climb out of my throat. I fished the phone from my pocket.

Kevin.

Every part of my being told me to drop the phone. Throw it. Destroy it. Do anything, but don't answer it. If you don't know for sure, it didn't happen. But my thumb bent and swiped, answering the call on speaker.

It wasn't me that answered, but something inside, using my voice, as it breathed out "Hello?"

The riff was unmistakable. A cranked Gretsch hitting a dimed Marshall stack until the tubes screamed in anger. Two chords. Very simple, telling a very simple story. AC/DC's Highway to Hell.

Goddamn it.

There was no point in tears. Kevin had walked away, the gunslinger off to meet his high noon fate.

But that didn't stop me.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

She was stronger than she looked. She pulled me down next to her on the bed, wrapping my arm in a judo-style hold to wrap around her and spoon with her on the bed. She made the room stop spinning. She stopped the screaming in my head.

"Liv, I'm sorry about --"

She turned her head. "Shhhh. It's what it is." She paused, so silent I think she held her breath.

"I wanted to seduce you and see what it would've been like to fuck you; no, to make love to you like you were my boyfriend. To feel you inside me; us joined together in bliss. A last wish.

"It was a mistake I made when I chose Kevin despite what my heart was telling me. I always liked the quieter, more stable guys." I blushed, leaning my head a bit closer. The smell of her hair, of the club, of the day on her skin was an aphrodisiac. I felt myself hardening hearing her say the words. She squeezed my hand.

"I always knew I made the wrong choice. But by the time I wised up enough to link my brain and heart together, you'd found Anna. And you love her. I love her. She's great for you. And anything I did tonight to hurt her, even if she never found out about it, would be a mark against me. I have the feeling I'm gonna need as few marks against me as I can get.

"So, just hold me. Tell me you love me. Tell me what you think our life would've been like if I hadn't been blinded. Make me feel like I didn't throw everything away. I believe in you Tim, I always have. But hold me."

So, I did.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I woke with a start, after a night of no dreams, and counted my blessings for that. Early morning light snuck through the cracks in the blinds. Immediately, I knew something was wrong.

Liv.

Where the fuck was Liv? Oh, fuck no. I'd fucked up and let her go, too.

A small piece of paper was next to me on the bed. The black heart in me opened up again. I couldn't bear to have lost a third friend in twenty-four hours. But again, my body betrayed me. My hand reached out for the slip of paper.

Instead of the perfect handwriting, there was the familiar loopy, distinctly female handwriting

Tim,

I'm sorry I couldn't stay, but I had to leave. This cloud has come too close to you, and there's nothing I would do to ever put you at risk. Please know that I'll treasure all the time we spent close and near to each other, even if it wasn't how we'd actually wanted to be.

I washed my face last night and something had changed. I felt different. Not enough to stay or destroy the lives of my friends. But enough so that I didn't feel the dread and doom that was coming. I have a few guesses why the change happened, but I'd rather not write it here.

I'm leaving. One way or the other, I have to go. I have to face this on my own.

Please take my love, and my words in the spirit they're intended. I wish you and Anna a long and happy life together. You'll need her after this. Please give her my love as well, and let her know that she's lucky to have you, just as you're lucky to have her.

I'll take my memories of all that you've done with me forever.

You may not believe me, but I'll see you again, someday.

Love,

Olivia

I folded the paper and stuck it in my pocket.

Band Hammer was no more. We would be the talk of the industry. An Icarus legend that flew too closed to the sun, only to melt and crash.

I packed my bag and climbed in the van. I drove off to a long-distance hauler and dropped it there. I needed to avoid traffic for a while. I messaged Ronnie and Tyler about Kevin, and told them the tour and the band were done. I asked them to phone ahead and cancel the shows, citing the breakup of the band. I told them I'd look them up in a few weeks, if they ever came back home. Then I caught a flight from Austin back to home.

Anna nearly shit when I called her from the airport to pick me up. When she saw me, she nearly shit again. She made it very clear that the next tour would include her or I wouldn't be going. I let her know there were no more tours. She kept asking me what happened, but I couldn't tell her. Not yet.

We got back to our apartment, and I downed several shots of rye before I could tell her my story. Of Kansas, and the road. Of traffic tickets and horror. Of friends and of loss. Of the band and the story we left behind. But also, of love. The love we all had to risk everything to make people happy and our love for each other. I couldn't explain it all without sounding crazier than it already did. But it was enough. I still know she found it to be unbelievable. But that's OK. I needed that grounding again, and that's why I was with her.

I also told her some of what Liv and I spoke about. Not all of it. But the parts that were important for Anna to know. I can keep secrets too.

Anna showed me how happy she was to see me in bed. When she slid me into her tight warmth, there was a noticeable stress that left me. Not entirely. But feeling her engulf me made me feel as alive as I had in weeks. Again, she knew what I needed. Bless her.

But after I spent myself inside her, and she had rolled over, I was still awake.

Listening. Waiting. To the sound of the house. To the sounds of my heart. To the music in my head.

The whole day I had waited. I wondered, dreading when it would come, but it didn't. The call from Liv's phone, and the song in that call telling me that she, too, had paid the dues.

I sat there in the dark, smiling, remembering the last line of her letter.

When they came for me, would they be wearing Liv? I would have to write a special song for her, to sing to her and thank her the next time I'd see her.