All Comments on 'Deal with the Devil'

So far so good, if you continue this, which hopfully you will get the assistance of the angel to help you along, make her your lover as well

I love the story so far, I think it would help to make the story a bit longer though it seamed kind of short. Other then that very well written and I enjoyed it very much.

Excellently written

Wouldn't hurt to make it a bit longer waiting for the sequel

Reminds me of the old Demon War series, or whatever the name of it was, about the Demon of Destruction who enslaved a half angel and such, I like it :thumbs up:

I think Anon is referring to Celestial Matters by Noble_Truth. Good start will be looking forward to more chapters. hope he collects Jenny too.

For the love of all that is Holy or in this case UnHoly please continue writing this story. I look forward to seeing where you take this...

Just writing in with a few comments, take with them a pinch of salt - you're the author, we're the readers. Far be it for us to criticize a work of art, even if it's from a developing artist.

With that out of the way, I have a few pieces of constructive criticism.

1) Pacing - Sometimes the best part of a story or plot is the anticipation of an event. For example, your protagonist was 'sacrificed' to Lucifer, and awoke on what can only be described as a sacrificial table. However how/why/who put him there was never explained. If you had started the story with the first sentence of what Lucifer said, and then had the protagonist 'remember back' to what got him in this predicament (one day, one week, what have you), it would have informed the reader about the motives of the protagonist, scenes, etc. At the moment, the plot has accelerated so quickly I'm left with a vague sense of disappointment, that it wasn't embellished more. I could go on about titanic struggles between good/evil, light/dark etc not being resolved in a couple of sentences, but I think you get the idea.

2) Sexual Tension - Similar to pacing, sexual tension is what truly makes a sex scene incredible. If we wanted a wham-bam thank you ma'am we'd watch 10 minutes of porn. You had the perfect set up for a potential person vs self battle as the angel slowly, agonizingly succumbed to her inner desires that had been taboo/banned in her culture. Having the angel have to have sex to 'cement' a bond is fine and all, but did they orgasm while doing so, or was it just the demon/slave that did, bonding it to the angel? Even if you skipped right to the action so to say, I'm surprised your protagonist didn't 'play' with her first. Yes, I'm sure that having a woman with the look of an angel (ba dum tss) saying she's desperate to fuck would be quite the incentive to rush, but that could be tempered with how she pre-empted that by saying that she was literally his to command. Given the situation, I'm surprised he didn't take the chance to give the command 'you have to have my permission to cum' or some such and enjoy her struggle. Now, asking to beg is good and all but there wasn't that struggle which really drives the point home to the audience - This is a being of light begging for a devil (she things) to fuck her. Don't you think there would be some internal resistance? The one speck of blue 'light" you left inside of her heart could be attributed to her soul, personality, etc. It would make sense for this to fight, rebel, even when she knew that such action would be futile.

3) Scene building - If the Mona Lisa was painted on blank canvas, with no background it may not have become the international sensation it is today. This comparison is sort of apples to oranges, however the point is that no matter how well you describe your characters, if you don't adequately describe the area/scenery they're doing it in it loses its impact. Try to think of the 5 senses (6 if you include demonic sense) that you feel at all times throughout life. Sometimes some are less important than others - If you're eating a pastry, you're going to focus on how it tastes. 'This is a delicious apple pastry'. However if you take the time to add in the other senses such as touch, smell, and sight you can turn a simple bite of a pastry into something that the audience can relate to, and envision. 'The lemon pastry was soft and nearly too hot to hold in my hand, lifting it to my mouth I inhaled the sweet aroma of freshly baked apple. Taking a nibble I groan in exctasy as it melts over my tongue, and I mumble "Someone needs to get my angel because this is heavenly (ba dum tss)". Even without describing the appearance of said apple pastry, you could imagine it in your mind, and connect with the character.

Now of course there's a balancing act, not every apple pastry deserves such attention. As a developing writer, this is your time to evolve your writing, and pick what style your art will have. None of us can do that for you, and as you write more it will become more and more natural.

Whew. Lot to type on a phone.

Long story short, you have lots of potential as a writer, and I eagerly await your next installement. It's a bit rough around the edges, but like I've mentioned, writing is art - don't aim for perfection else you'll forever be disappointed. Aim for bettering yourself and learning from your work.

I give this a 4/5 for potential and interesting plot ideas, but it needs more fleshing out and character development.

Your friendly reader,

-Dennis

Whoops, apparently my fingers wanted apple pastries, my mind wanted lemon pastries. Now I'm hungry. But a great point! Editing is anyways useful, a second set of eyes will inevitably see things that your own will not.

Hope to read your work soon,

-Dennis

Fire escape on a 50 floor tower? Really?

How was the angel able to get away if she is drawn to her master?

Why on earth would the client care about his expensive computer setup? That isn't something non-geeks look at, and most of the expensive stuff is inside the case anyway.

He got the penthouse apartment, and all the units underneath and had a custom installed door to the lobby? Why not get a mansion instead, way less waste of space and more secure. (as evidenced by him not trusting the elevator and walking ALL the way down.)

An average author-insert power trip fantasy, the main character is so utterly perfect, flawless and beyond reproach that and intended conflict seems pointless. Thus, the story as a whole is boring and garners some points only because it is fairly well crafted. The protagonist's immediate and seemingly effortless transition into a full on domination fetishist, however, is the actual death blow to any interest in a recurring feature based on this initial offering.

I think that this is a great fantasy and you should keep going. Don't change the characters at all!

This story was really lacking in multiple things. The guy has no background and the story lacks any real definition. Just work on the other story because this one I don't see going any where.

You are obviously starting out as an author, a minor suggestion from me would be an experienced proofreader. I'm no perfect author myself, but in reading these comments I've not noticed one suggestion for someone you trust to proofread your story. Just minor mistakes in grammar can make any author get bad reviews. Overall though, I liked your story.

It's an interesting pair of characters but your protag is kind of a "mary sue" (google the term if you haven't heard it before) in that there's no real danger presented that he doesn't easily overcome. Maybe he breaks some stuff learning to use his power? Maybe he doesn't have a built to purpose lair or doesn't have all these magical hacking skills? Or maybe the angels are constantly kicking his ass or trying to...

Whatever it is, some kind of conflict/hardship for the protag to overcome turns the story from a mediocre stroke fest into something a lot more interesting.

If you're serious about improving, there's a lot of websites and blogs/podcasts for writers out there, books as well but those are rarely free.