A Death in Smoking Paradise

"Oh...What...Fucking hell!" William shouted as he pointed across the enclosure as Thelma and Tanya heads simultaneously turned following Williams pointing arm and once, they have realised what they were looking at, then they both screamed loudly and piercingly in union.

As there sitting leaning against a gravestone was a lifeless topless bottle blonde girl her head slumped down, with her short pink skirt up around her thighs her legs wide apart showing her smooth hairless pubic area with her skirt pushed up her thighs like a belt, and between her bent legs an empty bottle of vodka rolled in the wind sideways against an open pack of cigarettes and a withered bunch of flowers beside the grave, and on closer inspection her nose was covered in a white powder.

Panic crossed Tanya's face, "Oh, Christ Chardonnay!" She shouted as she ran as quickly as she could towards the lifeless body, dropping her cigarette on the floor in the process. "Stand back!" She loudly shouted at the Outhwaites.

"What is she doing here?" Thelma quietly asked before furiously dragging on her cigarette as Tanya crouched down beside the body.

"Oh, fucking hell she is dead!" Cried Tanya as she practically hyperventilated. "There is no pulse, nothing." She confirmed looking at the couple and then scanning the area with her eyes panicking.

"Is this part of the tour?" Thelma asked looking around once she had got her breath back.

"Darling, I don't think this is acting!" William stated as he watched Tanya tapping Chardonnay's lifeless shoulders desperately and failingly hoping to wake her up.

"Fuck, right, fucking hell" Tanya screamed loudly as she stood up wheezing as her lungs were working hard. She suddenly found breathing extremely hard trying to get oxygen into her overly tar filled lungs. She dug a cigarette out of her pack in her pocket and swiftly lit it with a deep double pump inhale. Once she had exhaled, she paused took and took a third drag in an attempt to calm her lungs down before continuing. "Sorry guys we need to get back to the cabins and the emergency phone!" she stated and quickly heaved on the filter once again as she turned and slowly headed back down the path. Her body was in a state of shock.

***

Joshua and Danny in their red life jackets helped moored the boat alongside the deserted quay and then told Davina she was safe to go ashore.

She wiped the sweat off her forehead with the back of her hand and picked her shirt out from her sweating armpits. Then with her black handbag over her shoulder she picked up and placed the files under her arm secured by her elbow she pulled lifted her suitcase on the shore and pulled it along the quay looking around. She smiled and nodded to herself, as she looked around as expected no one was there to greet her, the perfect unannounced visit. She retrieved a piece of paper out of her top pocket and studied the blue biro drawn map on it, before turning and waving the boat as its motors growled as it headed back out to sea.

***

"Dad, help! Tanya panted as tears poured down her face and then dragged on her cigarette again "I've just found Chardonnay, Dad, you will never believe it, I am all shaking, she is fucking dead!" She once again dragged on her cigarette, "help me Dad, I need Alice and Ryan and I guess someone from the hospital." Tanya panted as she spoke down the 1980's grey telephone attached the peeling wallpaper of the cabin.

"Crikey Tan, where, on Trudy?" Martin asked.

"Where else would I be calling you from do something, help me Dad, please!" She begged, "I found her at the graves, it looks like suicide!" Tanya's voice gravely voice crumbled as she exhaled, and tears poured down her face. She then dragged hard on her cigarette as she nodded as she listened on the phone.

"We've told you several times to stay away from that place!" Martin said sternly. "But I will see if I can get hold of Alice and Ryan." He mused. "I will try their station, but I can guarantee that will probably be in the pub. Stay safe, as you've got guests with you, head to the quay and wait for the police."

"Thanks Dad, will do!" Tanya sniffed as placed the receiver back on the hook and wiping the tears from her face headed back outside to William and Thelma who were still crying and hugging each other.

"I am really so deeply sorry about this, I really am I know it's probably ruined your holiday, seeing Chardonnay like that, but Smoking Paradise Islands will look after you, I promise. Please can you follow me back to the quay, we need to wait for our police to turn up." Tanya sniffed and then brought the filter to her lips, it fizzled and the as she exhaled she flicked the butt of her cigarette to the side.

William and Thelma looked at each other wiped the tears from their cheeks, shrugged their shoulders and followed on.

***

"We should go and check our emails?" Ryan mooted and then gulped the rest of his beer putting the empty bottle back down overly loudly.

"Oh, Ry, why rush, maybe just one more beer and game? I am winning again after all?" Alice smiled sweetly as she teased and suggestively moved her hand slowly up and down the cue whilst sticking her tongue into the corner of her cheek whilst looking at him and then seductively then dragged on her cigarette.

Ryan rolled his eyes, "Oh Alice, come on you know we will come back later!" He growled. "Let's head down to the station."

"Yes boss!" Alice replied saluting him with her hand with a reluctant tone and finished the dregs of her beer with a gulp and then accidently banging the bottle violently on the table with a tipsy "Oops!" Then looking at Ryan could not help but giggle.

They carefully descended the steps to the bar and jumped into their buggy and extracted a cigarette each from the pack on the dashboard. Once lit and their lungs were hit with smoke, and they were happily exhaling they slowly and carefully made their way down the road. They passed a distraught Katya pacing up and down in front of the door of the saloon.

Ryan slowed the buggy before putting the anchors on. "Are you alright Katya?" He asked as she watched Katya's what is normally a calm pretty face, wracked with worry.

"Ja, I am, but err, Chardonnay hasn't turned up for work again today, I have been doing hair and toes all yesterday and today."

"Hang on I thought you lived together. Anyway, have you called in on her?"

Katya shook her head "Nein I moved out of the single accommodation ages ago to the other side of the island, Ja...and yesterday and today I have been far too busy, and last night I was too tired to go and see her, Ja." She tilted her head back and dragged hard on her cigarette.

"You should have found us earlier; you know we normally are!" Ryan stated looking on concerned whilst trying to focus. "We will find her at home with a cold or something silly. Won't we Alice" Ryan said affirmatively.

Alice bit her bottom lip for millisecond thinking of what to say before nodding "Absolutely, I am sure that there is nothing to worry about Kat." Alice smiled and squeezed Katya's tanned shoulder in comfort.

"We will go to the office, get our stuff together and then go and look for her, she, err, will be fine!" Ryan said flicking his cigarette out the side of the buggy and the ash caught on the breeze.

***

"Hello, hello, officers?" Davina called out as she knocked on the weather-beaten peeling white painted wooden door with Police painted in a fading blue across it. "Hello?" She loudly shouted and knocked again. She put her ear to the door and could hear the phone ringing inside. "Hello, is anyone in?" With a breath of trepidation, she looked around and leaned against the wall to have a think. As she did, she wiped her forehead as another large bead of sweat crept across her furrowed brow. She wiped her hand on her trousers and she pursed her lips together thoughtfully, had a quick glance around checking the coast was clear and then pulled her pack of Marlboro lights out of her blue chino trouser pockets, flicked open the pack and lit one. As she slowly drifted her smoke out of her nose the electric buggy slowly whined around the corner. Davina took a short drag and exhaled, dropping the cigarette to floor as if she was being naughty wafting the exhaled smoke away and twisted her black pumps on top of the butt as if to hide it in the dusty floor.

Ryan slowly and gingerly got out of the buggy holding on to the side for balance and security and looked inquisitively up and down at the dark brown-haired stern looking women in blue shirt and tailored trousers in front of them.

"Afternoon?" Ryan tentatively asked standing there in just his blue police issue shorts and tatty flip flops.

"Good afternoon...detectives?" Davina asked trying to double check that they were as she looked at them with her neat trimmed dark black eyebrows raised. "Hi, let me introduce myself I am DI Walliams here for the islands bi-annual review." She smiled sternly and coldly. As Alice nervously sat in the buggy, she dangled her cigarette in the corner of her mouth and very quickly crossed her arms across her very noticeably naked chest.

"Oh, what? Err, is it that time already, well we better let you in!" Ryan stated as slowly made it way from the buggy, cursing his lunchtime beers under his breath, Alice still holding her right hand across her chest hopped out of the buggy and followed on behind.

Ryan led the three of them as they headed into the small musty cabin that acted as the police station. In the front room there were two desks each with a white phone surrounded with messy unorganised paperwork but with neatly stacked packs of gold SPIL logo cigarettes in one corner and full of orange butts and ash two yellow plastic ashtrays with SPIL printed on them in the other. Both desks had black office chairs behind them. At there was a closed door on the right and at back of the room was the very much open metallic cell door.

"Please Ma'am, take a seat, oh..." Ryan closed his mouth as he eyes darted around frantically looking around for a spare chair before quickly popping out to the cell and wheeling a matching black chair back in. "Coffee...I think we all need one, I know Alice and I do?" Ryan asked rather guiltily as he bent down open a draw and rummaged around before he pulled a shirt out, sniffed it and then tugged and pulled it over his head.

"White, no sugar..."

"Great!" Ryan smiled as he flicked the kettle and then hovered in the kitchenette corner.

Davina sat on the chair and shook her head as she snorted and bent down and fumbled around the base of the chair and eventually pumped the handle up, so she was the right height, placed her hands together "So I am here for..." she said looking at both Alice and Ryan as Alice hurriedly buttoned up one of her shirts to protect her modesty as the phone then rang.

Alice huffed and picked it up leaving her dirty crinkled shirt half done up "Hey its Alice, err, I mean the Police, oh hello Martin, not too bad, how are you doing?" She briefly smiled at Ryan and Davina as she listened. "Yeah, we just left, how come you're calling?" Her face instantly changed, she then frowned and twisted her mouth at the phone as her eyes widened. "Oh Fuck! Really, I am really very sorry to hear that!" She coughed as her eyes went wide as she listened to the phone, "fuck; that's awful news, we will get over there as soon as possible." She gulped almost grimacing as she was talking; she nodded along as her spare hand carefully extracted a cigarette from the pack beside the phone. As soon as she hung up, she rummaged around on her desk and tutted, before leaning over and using Ryan's lighter to light her cigarette with a deep drag and exhaled a cone up to the cream ceiling. "DI Williams, Ryan, we need to get over to Trudy Island now, no wonder Katya couldn't find Chardonnay, she has only stupidly gone and actually killed herself." She stated shaking her head and then dragged hard again on her cigarette.

"Do we have any body bags?" Ryan mused looking at Alice as he walked over to the desk as he shook his head as he pulled a cigarette out of his pack and placed it in the corner of his mouth.

"Ryan!" Alice said sternly glaring out the corner of her eyes at Davina sitting in the middle of the room.

"But before we go anywhere, especially on the boat, I definitely need a coffee first!" Ryan said as he poured the hot water in to the two dirty mugs and one spotlessly clean one.

***

Tanya sat hunched over on the low wall of the old fountain in the shadow of the statue of Trudy in silence alongside her guests Thelma and William, the end of Tanya's cigarette yet again burning brightly between her lips as she dragged hard on it.

"As soon as Ryan and Alice turn up, we will get you back to your cabin." She repeated yet again for the tenth time as words to explain what they can do dried up. The smoke yet again tumbled out of her lungs and mouth as she looked across at the holidaying couple as they quietly nodded and then all three pulled hard on their respective cigarettes.

"It's all a bit of a shock!" Thelma said after a short drag on her cigarette. "I hope they don't think we, did it?" She screwed her face up with concern.

"Oh of course not, please don't worry about that!"

"We do worry!" Thelma replied pulling a cigarette from her own pack and lighting it.

"Sadly, people die on these islands frequently, hell we all enjoy our smoking, don't we?"

The two pensioners nodded in agreement.

"As we like smoking...a lot!" Tanya said almost dejectedly and took her own long drag before letting the smoke drift out her mouth as she sighed... "Which is also not helped by the fact that most of the population is elderly, but other than other than Selina who was like 83, this is my first young dead body." Tanya sighed and then heaved hard on her cigarette.

"It was a bit of surprise for us all!" William stated.

"I know, we all have our time, but her time on here was far too short!" Tanya replied wistfully.

***

"So, detectives, where is this island from here?" Davina asked as she fidgeted on her chair and put her frizzy hair up in into a messy ponytail using a fluffy black hairband on her wrist.

"Oh, it's not far; it's about ten to twenty minutes by boat from here." Ryan replied confidently.

"How often do you go over?" Davina queried.

"Oh, maybe two or three times a month, just to add it to our report, we borrow a boat from Martin and go across." Ryan replied confidently,

"When was the last time you were there?" Davina asked looking out the corner of her eyes.

"Oh, was it Sunday or Monday, I borrowed the committee's boat and popped over briefly, didn't I?" Ryan said looking at Alice.

"Err, yes, you were only over for a couple of hours, I was meant to get my hair done whilst he was gone, but Chardonnay was...."

Alice looked at Ryan who put his hands up "I didn't see her, and I certainly didn't do anything with her."

"What did you do?"

"I walked around the old theme park and then checked the old houses down the far end and came home. I was planning on writing the report this week Ma'am."

Davina chuckled, "It's okay detectives, I believe you, so how do we get over there?" she watched as Alice again dragged on her cigarette and then exhaled a short cone.

Alice scratched her hair as she thought, "Err, as Ry said, we don't have a boat, it was deemed no reason for us to have one, but Tanya has the one we usually borrow over there?" Alice stated as she tidied her hair again and then flicked her cigarette above the ashtray and her eyes closed as she inhaled hard on her cigarette.

"Oh, yes." Ryan mused.

Davina rolled her eyes at the two detectives "I will try and call my boat back!" She confidently stated as she bent down and pulled her radio out of her bag. "Think we might need Josh and Dan's help!" She announced taking control of the situation.

As she spoke on the radio Ryan and Alice nervously looked at each other intently and repeatedly and hurriedly dragged on their cigarettes and drank their coffee. The shock of hearing about the suicide sobering them up quickly.

"Roger Josh, out!" Davina said crisply and confidently. "Right let's get ourselves back to the quay. You can show us the way to the island."

Ryan and Alice nodded stubbed out their cigarettes in unison, gently coughed and then set about getting their kit together. Alice then rummaged around in the stationary cupboard behind her before doing the last of her buttons up as they lead the way back out through the door "I assume I can leave my overnight bag here?" Davina asked gently kicking the blue suitcase beside her chair.

Ryan nodded "I would rather hope so!" He smiled and the three of them eventually got their stuff and together and slowly walked back down to the quay carrying their police equipment.

***

Tanya stood up and rearranged her shorts, pulling the crotch out. "Umm I don't recognise that boat, you better stay here." With a deep sense of authority, she said to Thelma and William as she squinted with her hand above her eyes to produce a cap to look out to sea, she craned her neck as she watched the relatively large blue boat coming up to the small wooden quay. After yet another brief cough she slowly started to walk over to the quay, pausing and sheltering with her hands to light a cigarette before walking over towards the boat as she exhaled.

"Hey Tanya, are you okay?" Ryan asked as he carefully jumped off the boat and on to the rickety quay and wobbled off to safety.

She smiled relief at looking at Ryan, "Yeah, a bit of a shock for all of us. Certainly, wasn't expecting it!" Tanya said looking back at the older couple hugging each other sitting on the edge of the fountain. "Thanks for coming so quickly!"

"I am sure it was. We have used, err our boss's boat, she conveniently came out for an inspection." Ryan said proudly as Alice huffed and puffed carrying the large black holdall bag off the boat.

"Your boss?" Tanya asked her voice hinting panic as she screwed her face up with concern.

Ryan nodded "Yes, let me introduce you to DI Davina Walliams, this is Tanya who is on the committee than run this island" Ryan said standing to the side as the stunning dark-haired female in police blue who stood next to them.

"Hello!" She briefly offered her hand to shake which Tanya accepted after putting her cigarette between her lips and dangling it, "so where is the body?" Davina asked sternly looking at the slight build and topless Tanya in just her denim blue cut off jean shorts clutching her half empty pack of cigarettes as a safety device.

"Err, it's in the middle of the forest, but not too far." Tanya said pointing behind her with her cigarette, swirling the smoke around them. "But someone needs to look after my guests?" She pointed with her elbow towards the couple sitting on the fountain rim.

"Don't worry about that." Davina turned and bellowed back to the boat Josh...Dan..." and then turned back to Tanya. "They will take them back to the main island.

***

After the initial shock of looking at the dead Chardonnay and then the subsequent urgently required cigarette break before they contemplated anything. Alice and Ryan started work on photographing the body and crime scene. Then on their hands and knees sweeping the area of the clues. Whilst they were crawling across the floor picking up and bagging numerous cigarette butts scattered around the graveyard, Davina spent time with Tanya learning about the island and the area.

Alice sighed looked up at Tanya and watched her animatedly describing something her cigarette between her fingers flying around swirling smoke in the air between furious drags. Alice climbed up off her crawling position and wiped the red dust off her knees and then leaned against one of the headstones and looked down at Ryan still combing the floor "Ry, it must be a suicide, no one would kill her, would they?" she asked before her fingers fumbled in her shorts pocket before pulling a pack and lighter out.