Deep Talks

"So I got a pretty good feel for you."

"That's... good."

"Have fun with it. See what happens."

"Ok. Yeah. Sure."

****

Chapter Two: Kasey at Nineteen

****

Jake didn't last. I knew he wouldn't. I just didn't know how long I could pretend.

University was a convenient excuse. I didn't go anywhere. Xander had stayed local, so of course I was going to.

Jake wanted me to come with him. Or to stay with me. One way or the other. I told him that didn't make sense. That we'd already been accepted and enrolled at our respective schools. We couldn't change plans now. The world didn't work like that.

He wasn't happy. I had to pretend like I wasn't either. But I was so relieved. It made things so much easier. I could breathe again. Get back to being me and not acting like I liked being a couple.

Jake would have got tired with me anyway. I didn't let him do much beyond kissing. He wanted more. He was nice enough about not going further, but he really badly wanted to. I could tell. I thought he'd break up with me on his own a few times, but he never did.

I got to drive back and forth from campus with Xander every day. Even those days where I wouldn't get to see him otherwise, we at least had those moments.

It was pretty bad, I had to admit. If I wasn't his little sister, it would probably constitute some pretty sketchy behaviour on my part. Or maybe it was worse because of that.

I was just happier with him. Just being in the car next to Xander. Some days, that was the highlight. It was what I looked forward to.

"I think I'm gonna ask Milly out," Xander said.

I repressed a sigh. I'd seen it coming. He told me about girls he was into. I didn't know why. Maybe just because we had the time every day. And possibly because I encouraged it. I couldn't help myself. I knew I'd hate it, but I hated not knowing even more.

"Which one's she?"

"Dark hair. Glasses. Cute smile. You two hit it off when you met, remember?"

"Oh."

"Don't 'oh' me."

"What?"

"You're doing it again. You liked her. As soon as I said I was gonna ask her out, you went all sullen."

"Didn't."

"Did. You're doing it now."

"She's... nice."

"Kase..."

"She is. She's nice. I... like her. She's fine."

I hated her.

"Really?"

"Really."

"Ok. Good."

I stared out the window. Fuck. Xander was right. I actually did like Milly. Except... I didn't now that he was gonna ask her out. Why was I like this? I should make more of an effort. I didn't hate her. I just hated what she represented. Or something.

I hated that I wasn't the one drawing Xander's affections.

It was stupid. I was being stupid.

"There's a boy," I said.

"Hm?"

"Gene. He's nice. He likes me."

"Oh. Well great." Xander side-eyed me. "Is it great?"

"It's ok. He might ask me out soon. I think. He's working toward it."

I'd been being deliberately obtuse. Making Gene's job harder. He wanted to, though. I could feel it.

"Ask him out."

"What?"

"You ask him. See what happens."

"That's not how it works."

"Why not? Do you like him?"

"I don't know."

"Do you think you could?"

I thought about it. I didn't really know what it would mean to like a boy. I knew what it felt like to be around my brother, but it must be different than that. It had to be. And whatever I was supposed to feel, I wasn't convinced I was feeling it. But I probably needed to keep trying.

"Maybe I'll ask him," I said.

"Good. Do it. Tell me how it goes."

"Will you... will you not ask Milly today? In case it goes bad?"

Xander gave me a funny look. "I mean... yeah. If you want. Doesn't have to be today. You nervous?"

I was, but not really about rejection like Xander probably assumed. I was more nervous about getting a yes, if anything. More importantly, though, I'd bought myself a day before Xander would have a new girl, and I'd be a second priority again.

Being second sucked. It was so much better when he was between girls.

****

My grace day wasn't enough. I knew it wouldn't be, but it still stung when Xander and Milly started going out.

Gene and I started going out too. It was ok. Nothing special.

Gene wanted to make out and stuff. I expected that. It was ok too.

What made it better was thinking about Milly, bizarrely enough. We'd be making out, and I'd think of Milly getting Xander. Making out with him. What that would feel like. I put myself in her head and imagined Gene was Xander.

He wasn't anything like my brother, really. But if I closed my eyes and lost myself deep enough, I could make believe. Those moments were so good. I felt all the things I couldn't seem to find with Gene normally, or with Jake before him.

And I wondered what it all meant. Brothers and sisters couldn't make out, obviously. I was only imagining what Milly was experiencing, which wasn't so bad, in a sense. I couldn't help feeling like if Xander ever tried to kiss me, I'd let him. I'd let him so hard.

But I shouldn't. Couldn't. But I would.

****

The day I discovered incest porn was huge for me. I honestly didn't know how I'd missed it for so long.

Sure I didn't really do the whole porn thing for the most part. It wasn't really part of my life. I masturbated sometimes. Probably not as much as a lot of people, and definitely not as much as Xander, say.

Yes, I had an idea how often he jerked off. So what?

Point was, somehow, I'd missed it. There was a lot out there. A looottt. It was like seeing in grayscale, and suddenly realizing that there were colours everywhere around me. Except with porn.

I was riveted. I clicked through video after video. My heart pounded, my fingers trembled, and my pussy gushed like it never had before. I'd never in my life been so turned on.

But it wasn't even about that. I hardly touched myself the whole time. I just sat wide-eyed and fascinated, exploring this brand new world.

I couldn't get enough. It wasn't horniness. It was something else. It was, perhaps, the first time in my life that I'd felt justified in thinking some of the things I did about Xander. The first time I realized I wasn't alone and a weird little aberration. Validation from a terribly unlikely source.

People thought about being with their siblings. Fucking them, mostly, according to these videos. But then, they were porn vids. That was their whole thing.

Probably some people didn't really want that. Surely some of them must just want to, like, kiss and be held, right?

Or was that just me? Was I still the weird one here? Somewhere in between wanting a platonic relationship with my brother, and wanting to bone him. I couldn't be the only one in there somewhere. I couldn't.

But none of these videos, amazing as they were, seemed to support that. There were no videos of sibs making out like crazy, then falling asleep together. They were straight up all fucking all the time.

I'd been home alone. I was sitting in the middle of the living room, cross-legged on the couch. I hadn't intended to look up porn on my laptop. That was the only reason I wasn't safely holed up in my room. I didn't even realize how long I'd been there, and how stiff my legs would be when I finally moved them.

"You know other people can hear that, right?" Xander said.

I jerked my head up, cheeks flushed and heart racing in sudden panic. "What? Where'd you come from?"

Xander spread his arms. "I live here. As do our parents. Watching porn with the volume up... it's a bold choice. I like it, though."

I shakily found the volume and muted the video I was in the middle of. "I didn't mean to... it wasn't..."

"Something good, huh?"

"No. I..."

Xander walked over, stepping behind the couch and looking over my shoulder.

Why didn't I just slam the laptop shut? I wanted to. My hand jerked to do it. But I didn't. I wanted him to see. I needed him to. It was proof that I wasn't crazy.

"Oh wow. That's what you're into?"

A bolt of excited stress tore through me and just kind of stayed there, yanking my insides painfully. "I didn't know it existed."

"Huh, really? It's, like, all over the internet."

"I never knew."

"That's insane." Xander paused, still watching the action on screen. "Although... you've never been super into boys..." He scratched his head. "Do you... not watch much porn either?"

"Not much. No."

"Interesting. I woulda thought... actually no, I shouldn't speculate on that."

"On what?"

"On your... habits."

I was so excited I could burst. I felt like I was close to something. Not what I wanted. Not my goal. But something. Maybe something helpful.

"What do you mean?"

Xander was quiet for a moment, which only gave me longer to speculate about what he was thinking and what exactly he'd say.

"You, uh, masturbate, don't you?"

A thrill ran through me, deep and tight, and so very wonderful. "Yes."

"I mean... do you not watch porn while you do?"

"Not a lot. I don't do any of that stuff very often, really."

"Hm. Yeah, maybe that makes sense. You've never really been super into any of it, huh?"

I fidgeted and wondered if I should pretend that I actually did more of that stuff than I truly did. Masturbating. Watching porn. Anything to get Xander talking about it more. Or thinking about me doing it.

I recognized that some of my hopes were impossible. I'd been watching too many pretend brothers and sisters using the flimsiest excuses to do unspeakable things to each other. Somewhere inside me, I had a hope that Xander was thinking of those same things with me. He wasn't. But maybe.

"I am sometimes," I said cautiously.

"Sure. Yeah. But not a lot. You never even were all into boys like some girls are."

No. Not like some girls. Not like most girls, even. He had that right.

"I'm kinda weird, huh?" I said.

"Enh. Who's to say. Maybe you got, like, a low sex-drive or something. Or... I mean you're probably not asexual I guess. But if you are, that's cool, you know."

"... asexual?"

"You know, like... well I don't know how it works. But not really into sex, I guess. Or maybe, like, people have different types of other people they're into, and maybe you don't really have any preferences. Not really into anyone. And that's totally fine. Except, you know, I don't think that's quite right. And I might not understand what I'm talking about anyway."

I nodded slowly, digesting the brief rant. "No. No I don't think it's quite right either. Not me. Not exactly."

"Didn't think so."

"But maybe... I'm very specific."

"Ha, yeah. Specifically into brothers and sisters getting it on by the look of it."

I blushed so hot that it was a damn good thing I was faced away from Xander. "I told you. I didn't know it was a thing," I mumbled.

"Sure."

"But, like, hypothetically if I did like that stuff, is that ok?"

"Don't see why not."

My heart pounded, racing hard in my chest. I felt about ready to throw up, or pass out, or something. "What if I thought about you?"

"Me?"

"You're my brother."

"Yeah. Huh. I get what you're saying. Guess that'd be maybe a little weird."

"Oh."

"It'd probably be fine though. Everyone was weird thoughts."

"Right."

Xander patted my shoulder. I couldn't decide if I wanted more of his touch, or to run from it.

"You're ok, Kase."

"You think?"

"Just... don't let the 'rents catch you like this, yeah? Don't want to have to explain why you're thinking about me like that, do ya?"

Oh god oh god oh god. He said it like a joke. Did he know? He didn't know. He couldn't know just how true it was.

I wanted to scream at him that it was all real. That he had to know it was real. But I didn't. Obviously I couldn't do that. Couldn't tell him the real reason I'd been so enamoured with these videos. More than mere morbid curiousity and a passing kink. I couldn't be sure he'd accept it in that context.

****

I thought about going further with Gene at times. When I closed my eyes and we got all close and kissy and stuff, I was better than ever at pretending like he was Xander. He never got close enough to really hit the right spots for me, but it was something.

I watched more videos. They gave me ideas. They took the edge off too. Gave me some kind of pseudo-outlet. They weren't really any better than Gene in many respects, but at least I could sit and watch them, one after another, skipping past the sex for the sake of what little plot and romance I could skim from them.

They were easier that way than Gene was. He was nice, and he was patient, but he got horny. I felt bad leading him on. Like I was ever gonna feel something more for him. I didn't really know what to do about that.

I gave him a handjob. He liked that. I didn't mind it. I spent most of the time wondering if it was anything like jerking Xander would be. If his cock would be similar. If it would feel the same in my hand.

I'd jerk Xander off if he ever asked. Do it in a heartbeat. It wasn't really what I wanted from him, but I'd be all over it.

Cum is weird and gross but also kinda super fascinating. I learned that. All those cumshots in porn made a lot more sense all of a sudden. It was still bizarre how much focus there was on them, but I was closer to understanding the appeal, at least.

"I think I have to break up with him."

Xander shrugged, eyes on the road. "Not working out?"

"I don't feel anything for him."

"Oh. Then yeah, probably should break up."

"Figured."

"Did you at least get something out of the relationship?"

"... not really."

"Oh."

"Maybe a bit. I learned some things. But I don't know that much had to do with him."

"Um..."

"Did that make any sense?"

"Not really."

"Oh."

"Like... what did you learn? Anything good?"

I slumped lower in my seat in the car. "You don't wanna hear what I learned."

"Try me."

"Don't say I didn't warn you."

"I won't."

"I... I want someone more like you."

Xander didn't know how to take that. I was pretty sure I would have gotten quite a staring-at if he hadn't been driving.

"How like me?"

Like exactly you, dummy.

"I don't know, just... like you. Like a brother."

"Oh. Incest fetish again."

"No! Well... no-ish."

"Uh huh. Dang. You know you shouldn't be telling me how much you like that stuff."

"I thought you were fine with it."

"I am. Just, you talk about it enough, I'm gonna have to start giving you shit about it."

"You really don't have to."

"I think I might, actually. Contractual. Big brother, remember?"

How the fuck could I ever forget?

"It's not really about the porn," I said uncomfortably.

"Hm?"

"Like... fuck, this really is gonna make it worse."

"Intriguing."

"The porn's just the closest I can get."

"... Kase?"

"There's not enough story to them. Just... lots of fucking."

"Oh. Ok."

Xander seemed relieved. I'd been so close to revealing that I was fixated on him. Maybe I should have just gone for it. But it could have gone so bad, and I didn't like the way he seemed happier about my criticism of porn vids. Like he wouldn't have been ok if I'd said something else. Something about him.

"I mean, you know there are other options," he said.

"What do you mean?"

"You know. You want story. Have you tried actual stories? Erotica?"

"What's that?"

"Seriously?"

"Yes. Seriously. What is it?"

"How are you my sister? I bizarrely feel like I've failed you as a brother. You're so behind on your knowledge of adult entertainment."

"I'm not! You're not! Just... what?"

"It's porn, but with words. I mean, some of it's way more romance than porn, I guess. Some of it might be what you're looking for."

"I'll, uh, have to check it out."

****

Xander was right. He was so very right. Erotica was what I'd been missing. It was so much closer to what I wanted than porn was.

A lot of it was trash, but I was used to that. Many evenings of clicking through dumb porn plots had inured me to it. Even the stuff that was well written was often so focused on sex as to be a serious impediment.

But some stories... some hit just the right spots for me. Sometimes there were pages and pages of it. Stories of brothers and sisters falling for each other, sleeping together, snuggling, talking, sharing. And sure they'd inevitably fuck, but that was ok.

Sometimes it flowed so naturally that I was dragged along and read the whole thing, seeing the beauty in it all. Other times I skipped over the sexy times and got back to the good stuff.

More and more, though, I was certain that if I ever was going to have sex, it had to be with Xander. It had to be. And maybe... maybe I'd love it. Some stories made me think it would be the pinnacle of my life. Others, I was back to thinking it was something I'd do to make him happy, and that would make me happy, and that was fine. It depended partly on my mood and how horny I was, and how the story was written.

Rarely, but sometimes, I'd get myself off to them. Sometimes in those cases I wanted the dirtier stories. I wanted sisters getting happily pounded by their brothers. I wanted lust-fueled sexy times. I wanted them looking deep into each other's eyes and cumming together and all that shit.

But mostly I wanted all the stuff around sex. Not the sex itself.

I got even more ideas from my obsessive reading. It felt like all I did, at times. My personal hobby. Becoming a connoisseur of incest erotica. And sometimes, some of those ideas could be applied to my reality, with varying degrees of success.

Slowly but with a goal in mind, I began covering myself less around the house. Wearing fewer clothes, or stuff that wasn't quite fully appropriate. It wasn't easy. It couldn't be anything that scandalized Mom or Dad, nor even Xander for that matter. I wanted him to look, to be interested in what he saw, but in a way that didn't freak him out, or that gave away what I was up to.

It was a tight line to walk, and I didn't always hit it right. More than once I got sent back to my room to put something else on. Something I'd never in my life had an issue with.

"Honestly, Kase," Dad said one morning. "Pants at the table. Pants. You always used to wear them."

I shrugged as casually as I could, not looking at Xander though I so badly wanted to know what he thought. "It's no big deal."

"You're right. It's not a big deal to go put pants on."

"I can do it later. I'm hungry."

Dad sighed, torn between affection and annoyance that I hadn't already gone to get dressed. "I don't remember ever having this issue with you before."

"It's not an issue."

I took a chance and sat down just as I was. It really wasn't anything scandalous. A shirt and panties, the latter covered by the former, if more daringly than ever before. Most of my legs were bared, but that shouldn't have been enough to get me in trouble.

"Kasey's just growing up," Mom said.

"I am?"

"I've seen it lately. You're maybe a late bloomer, but you're finding yourself now."

I shook my head and poured myself some cereal. This was not headed where I thought it would.

"Do late bloomers not wear pants?" Dad asked.

"Oh now honestly. Kasey's always been a little shy. I think it's great if she's getting over that. Besides, it's only family here. If we had guests, then yes, pants would be more appropriate."

"Maybe I just won't wear pants tomorrow. See how you like it."

"Don't sulk, dear."

Xander was grinning to himself, wisely staying out of the whole thing. I stared a little too long and caught his eye. He only grinned harder and winked at me. I had no idea what that wink was for.

****

"Erotica was a good suggestion," I said.

"Likin' it, are you?"

"Mmhm."

"Is that what's gotten into you lately?"

"What do you mean?"

"You're different. Everyone can see it. You must know that."

"Well... maybe. Maybe Mom's right. Maybe I'm getting less shy."