Denial #1: Please Don't Let Me Come

He squeezed my nipple and whispered, „So beg for it".

Fuck, it was so good to hear him say that. I could actually feel my eyes rolling upward behind my closed eyelids, and moaned, my breath quickening beyond its already fast pace.

The submissive in me wanted to please him and obey. The fetishist in me wanted to enthusiastically affirm his every effort towards what I had asked of him.

Only ... I've always sucked at lying. I just can't bring myself to say something I don't mean, even when it would be in my best interest. And the truth was that I really, absolutely didn't want to come right then. I wanted to beg -- god, I wanted to beg my heart out to him -- but I didn't want to come, and what else should I beg for? If only I knew he wouldn't give in! To be able to beg all I could, without restraint, without any risk of winning ... A new, potent wave of arousal surged through me at that idea.

„Please ..."

„You can do better than that," He says nonchalantly.

Suddenly the words were there in my head. Oh, fuck. I tested them, whispering and moaning them in my mind, completely enthralled. I remember thinking that I could probably come to this, just repeating this like a mantra in my head. But surely he didn't want to ... I had already asked for so much today ...

"You promised to do what I want. And I want to hear you beg."

I let out the breath I hadn't realized I was holding, and jumped.

"Please don't let me come!"

Time stopped. I couldn't breathe. I could practically hear his confusion, and my heart hammering in my chest. This was the moment I had tried, and failed, to imagine so many times. It felt completely, absolutely surreal. Nate certainly had no idea what a bomb I'd just dropped, but I felt lighter for it already. I had jumped. The stone was rolling down the hill. Whatever would happen now was out of my control to prevent anymore.

"You ... don't want to come?" He asked finally, clearly bewildered.

I never want to come, was the first thought that flashed through my lust-fuelled mind. But that was obviously false, and wouldn't do right now, so I choked out, „Not yet ... please."

"Why?"

There it was: the big question, that I didn't even really understand. And how on Earth do you explain a fetish to someone who doesn't have it?

In some corner of my heart, I was actually disappointed that he didn't magically just get it. Despite my carefully managed expectations, some part of me had maintained the absurd hope that, once I confessed to him, he would tell me that he'd always felt the same way. Like it had been with bondage. As soon as the foolish feeling surfaced, I scalded myself for it. Of course this was not the same thing. This was too weird. This was all me, and now I would have to find some way to explain.

"Because I like this." My face felt hot as if in a fever. "Needing it." I'm normally quite talkative, but now all I could do was press out the shortest sentences, as if every word weighed eighty pounds. My chest indeed felt constricted as if by tight ropes. I felt the ridiculous urge to get up and run far away. From his bewilderment, and the judgment that would follow, and the awkwardness that would follow that.

„More than you like to come?"

I could only nod. My hand reached down and grabbed his, straight from my crotch, and squeezed it hard. Although I had no words to express it, I needed him to understand the importance of this moment, how much I needed him to be tender with this secret.

He squeezed back, and kissed me on the side of my neck all the way up to my hairline, small, soothing kisses that told me I was understood. I was loved. Slowly, I relaxed, and let go of his hand.

For a moment I wasn't sure if we should continue having sex, or if we shouldn't better turn on the lights and have A Talk, but Nate made that decision for me when he seamlessly placed his hand back on my aching pussy, and my worries were soon replaced by pure-all-encompassing lust. He moved his fingers in circles, alternately speeding up and slowing down with a stedy firm pressre which, added to my existing arousal and the raw openness I was feeling, had me whimpering in no time. It came to my mind that he was probably trying to get me close again on purpose, although I just asked him not to let me come, and that thought turned me on even more.

It became difficult to focus on anything else. My hips and my mind were locked in a strange dance, torn between leaning into the pleasure and trying to evade it. I knew this dance well, but to experience it with Nate was a whole different level of hot.

„How close are you, baby?" He murmured. He was short on breath, too, I noticed, and it sounded so sexy. Was he enjoying this too?

"So close," I admitted, finally desperate enough to speak my mind without filtering. „God, yes, I'm so ready. It feels so good. Babe, please ... It's too good. I can't control it anymore. You'll make me come. Please ... don't!"

„Are you sure?" He drawled, pulling me closer, pushing my legs apart wider, working me without mercy. „Because it seems to me that you really need it."

And I did. I had to stop moving completely, try to relax my muscles, because if I ground back into his hand I was going to lose it for sure. And my resolve to stay still was deteriorating fast.

„Please," I gasped, „Please stop ... please ..."

At that moment, it suddenly no longer seemed to matter what he would do. It was as if I wasn't even begging to get a particular result; he would do what he thought best, and I was more than happy to surrender to him. I was begging just because I wanted to, because all these words and desires had been locked up for so long and were now breaking their way out of me in a great wave of surrender, honesty, and relief. And once they were out in the open, I couldn't get enough. It was intoxicating, begging him for this crazy thing I craved so badly, finally admitting to it. It felt like salvation, in truth. Yes, I was a complete pervert, but it was okay. It was good. If Nate didn't have a problem with it, I liked being a pervert. That was just the right kind of humiliating.

He lifted his hand off of me, and laughed softly at how my hips immediately came alive, bucking and chasing his touch. „You can't make up your mind, can you," He chided, and wound around my side to kiss me on the mouth. It was an awkward angle, but the kiss was full of warmth and playfulness, and I kissed him back with all my heart.

He let me take a few breaths, then went right back to rubbing my oversensitive nub. It felt insanely good. I was no longer thinking anything, fully surrendered to the sensations and to him. For a minute, he took it slow, allowing me some time; then, with no warning, he picked up the pace again and within fifteen seconds I was teetering on the edge of orgasm once more.

„Do you want to come now?" He asked cheerfully.

My „no" sounded a lot like a sob this time; my hands were curled into fists at my sides.

„Alright," He said, „Suit yourself. But I do."

With that he let me go, and instead wrapped his hand around his penis, which I was surprised to see was hard again. Next to the jolt of arousal I always felt when he touched himself in front of me, the sight made me happy: I figured that if Nate was horny now, then he must have found something to like about the situation we were in.

Nate didn't mess around. With a strong, determined grip, he brought himself in a straight line all the way to a second climax. He was usually shy about letting me watch him, and did it very rarely, even though -- or perhaps because -- he knew I found it incredibly hot. But there was nothing shy about him now, despite the blatantly lecherous way my eyes roamed his body.

I imagined him jizzing in my face, or on my tits, gloating about how he could come and I couldn't. Damn, I liked that idea; we would have to try that sometime. But for now, I was more than content just to watch Nate's hand, and Nate's face, to desire him with every fiber of my body, and love him with all my heart.

He looked me in the eyes while he came, as was our custom whenever one of us got themselves off during sex. A single groan escaped his lips right as he was tipping over, and I think I moaned with him, so wrapped up was I in watching. Then he closed his eyes, enjoying the aftershocks and softening visibly into the mattress.

I leaned in and kissed him gently, smiling at him when he opened his eyes again. He smiled back, turned on his side, and let me snuggle up to him in a reversal of the position we'd spent the last half hour in, pressing more soft kisses to the back of his neck and just below his ear.

For a while we lied there in silence, enjoying each other's quiet company. My mind became still and peaceful, content as if all my wishes had already been fulfilled. Even my arousal began to burn down to a bearable glow inside me, and in fact, I felt suddenly very sleepy.

Eventually, Nate stirred, and yawned. "Hey, I think I'm about to fall asleep," He said, adorably stating the obvious. "Do you ... I mean, are sure you don't want to..." He gestured awkwardly down my body with a self-conscious grin that contrasted starkly with the intense sexual confidence he'd displayed just ten minutes before.

Strangely, I was experiencing just the opposite effect. In the relaxed, contented state I was in, I could have talked to Nate about anything. It was just him and me, right. We were in love. All was good. All the worries that had been spooking around my head for the past months suddenly seemed silly and transparent, and his sudden shyness seemed adorable and only made me love him more.

"I want to, eventually," I told him. "But I'd really rather wait until tomorrow. I feel incredible and I wanna keep feeling this way a little longer. But of course, that's only if you're willing to put up with the state I'll be in."

"What state?"

"Well ..." I winked. "I might be just a little more sex-obsessed than usual."

A huge grin spread over Nate's face, putting a naughty twinkle in his eye. "Oh, you bet I want to see that," He said. "It's a done deal. No backing out now. Don't you dare getting off secretly while I sleep or something!"

"Promise," I laughed, and wrapped my arms around him ready to sleep, thinking, As if I would ever.