Despair

It was dark, as it always was. Lying battered and bruised in my room, quilt pulled high up over me. My comfort. Safety. The sounds of joviality from downstairs, which should be comforting, was jarring and unsettling. Knowing what was to come when the sounds dissipated made my head swim with images of HIM ravaging me, forcing me to do things I didn't want to. I cry. The hopelessness of everything washing over me like a wave. Who would care? Who could I tell? What importance would it have to anyone? I was a piece of shit put on this earth to serve men. Why would my feelings mean anything to anyone?

The music pulsing thru the ceiling was hypnotic. It was making me sleepy. Knowing the kids were asleep and safe giving me a little solace. I could feel myself drifting. The slow waves of sleep taking me over. The memories of being beaten in front of HIS friends washing away with the tide of slumber. Watching the looks of curiosity turn to amusement as blow after blow rained down one me. The humiliation and worthlessness I had felt less than an hour ago giving way to the clouds of exhaustion.

I wake, not sure of the time, the music has stopped. For some reason I feel like I'm not alone. The feeling unsettles me. I feel HIS hands on me, but in my head I feel like it's not just HIM in the room, I feel exposed. The quilt no longer protecting my skin. It's so dark. HIS rough touch making me wince, not only because my body is damaged but because he doesn't care if it hurts. HE seems oblivious to the bruises, ignores my moans of displeasure, how I shy from HIS advances.

'Please don't' I implore, weakly. 'Please, stop'

'Shut up!' HE snaps, HIS tone authoritative, there's no point me begging. It's futile. Just let him take what HE wants and I can sleep.

I hear HIS zip pull down and know it won't be long. Then I hear the low laugh, it's not HIS laugh, my body goes numb. It's not just HIM in here there's someone else. It sounds like M, why is he in here? My brain implodes. I can't think. Frozen now. Panic taking over every cell. Just don't think, just ride it out and it will all be over soon. How I felt earlier paling in comparison to the emptiness I felt now knowing that my most private pain was going to be witnessed.

HE's on me so fast I don't have time to think, pushing my thighs apart, I give in to it. No point fighting. The pressure of HIM pushing inside me and the pain ripping thru me is enough to make me grimace. But I can't react. Reactions mean more pain. More violence, and I know HE will be violent with HIS needs. Every part of me wants to fight back but I can't. I'm trapped in my body and as long as I comply I will be safe.

I think of the kids, their smiles and how they laugh at the smallest thing. Losing myself in the memories as HIS hands push on my throat, his cock pierces my being. His deep breaths washed away by the thoughts of my babies. I try. I don't succeed.

HIS authority over me apparent as he twists and turns my body to HIS whim. Pulling me over and pounding against my ass, my body so weak I can't hold myself up. HE's supporting my weight. Controlling my every movement. HE pulls my arms back and holds both wrists in one hand, HIS pace quickening. The stench of sweat becoming my focus. The foul odour of alcohol and sweat mingled in the air. HIS last thrust as HE falls onto me can't come soon enough. HIS waning cock subsiding into nothing.

HE pulls away, seemingly disgusted with what HE has done. Slapping my cheek, zipping up HIS jeans as HE walks away.

I feel disgusting. Dirty. But HE's done with me, I can sleep now. I have done my duty. Served my only purpose. I start to feel relief. It's short lived.

'Whose next?' I hear

'Fuck it, why not?' Laughter emanates thru the room.

M approaches, his weaselly frame coming into view. The dim light from the hallway making him appear like a scarecrow. I struggle to remain calm. This can't be happening, right??? I hear him unzip. The brrrrrp sound cutting thru the air like a knife.

I try to curl up, my already ravaged body screaming for reprieve. HIS cum starting to dribble out of me already. He grabs my hand.

'Work for it girl!' He laughs, the sound is so disturbing. I roll to my side, and he pulls on me firmly, forcing me back into my back. I feel his dick harden against my grip. His hand managing my movements, I can't help but cry.

'Shut the fuck up bitch' HE orders. HIS voice is etched in my brain. 'Don't fucking cry or you know what you'll get'

M laughs again, letting go of my hand he mounts me. His hand grips my hair, roughly pushing my head to the side as he forces his way inside. His other hand squeezing my tit, rubbing my nipple so hard I can't block it out. He's moving so fast on top of me that I can't help but react. My bodies betrayal making me disgusted with myself. I don't want this. I want to throw up on him. His hand pulling my hair so tight as he grunts into me. Tears spilling down my cheeks unnoticed. It's over almost as fast as it began. I'm discarded again.

They're laughing as I lay there. Struggling so hard not to show anything. There's more laughs than I can count in my disoriented state. Eyes swollen with tears, screwed shut, hoping that no one else has the balls to invade me again. Praying that none of them are cruel enough, that the rest have some humanity.

That prayer is short lived. I think it's C, his hands are gentle as he moves me onto my front and pulls my ass slightly up. Sliding into me slowly almost sensually, idk why but it feels worse, more debasing. He takes his time, rubbing his hand all over my back as he moves my hip with the other. Caressing me, so lightly, his soft touch makes me react and the self loathing builds with every stroke. It feels torturously slow, so much like intimacy that I can't stand it. I want him to just use me, get this façade over and done with so I can break down and sleep. He's speeding up, still too gently, his hand roaming all over me. I feel my breath quicken and the disgust washes over me so strongly I can't help but sob. He strokes my face, wiping off the tears with such care I just break down further. He takes me hips and pounds into me harder. Like he knows I need this done. One last thrust and I know he hasn't finished, yet he pulls out and kisses me lightly on the cheek. Whispers sorry so quietly I almost miss it over my despair.

I can't stop crying. The pain throbbing thru my whole being, not just my injuries but my soul feels broken. This doesn't feel real. It can't be. This is what I have become. A vessel for HIM to use and hand out as HE pleases. A nothing. Not even a real human. Lost in my sorrow, the thoughts taking me out of my body, I don't notice at first that D is inside me. His rough touch in contrast with C. It jars me back to reality. I can feel the men before him lubricating his cock as he violates me. He seems oblivious, his heavy breathing showing me it's almost over. My mind fading in and out of consciousness. He falls onto me. His heavy frame smothering me. And then he's gone.

I hear them laughing as they descend the stairs. Dumb slut. Fucking whore deserved it. Same time next week lads. Nah she's used goods now.

And just like that it was all over.