Determination

Despite the multitude of thoughts coursing through my head, or maybe because my brain couldn't cope with them all and decided to just shut down, I fell asleep.

I first spoke to Na-ri the next morning. She had slept well and was bright as a button. David swore that he had stopped doing anything to her brain, but she did seem to have changed. She was more confident maybe. We'd talked. She was five years younger than me and had different priorities. Last night had been the type of hook-up that used to be the staple of my sex life. She wanted to have fun and was excited that fun could now mean girls as well. A steady relationship wasn't on her radar. Least of all with a pregnant old lady of twenty six, not that I had confided in her.

Ben helped me to get her ready for the long sleep. I injected her and stood by the capsule as it began to close. Suddenly she sat up and kissed me full on the lips, before winking at Patterson and lying back down. Definitely not the same girl

"Thanks, Emily, for everything."

She put salacious emphasis on the last two words. I waved as the canopy closed and began to become translucent with frost. So much for my own species. On to alien entanglements.

Officer Patterson morphed into David and I collected his work clothes from the floor. It occurred to me that my boyfriend -- yes, I'd made that decision on waking this morning -- went about nude all the time. I guess it was the least strange thing about him. Time to continue our talk. We went for the familiarity of my room, possibly as I had some other ideas on my mind. I took the lead. I'd had enough of David's decision-making to last a good long while.

"So, I'd like to be back together. As for love, it was so sweet of you to say that. I'm not saying I don't love you, but it feels big and scary. I think one big and scary thing at a time. Does that make sense?"

"It makes sense, Emily. Boyfriend and girlfriend?"

"Boyfriend and girlfriend."

It felt like we had been here before, then it wasn't a bad feeling either time.

"Emily, I don't want to bring up a bad subject. But can I talk about the machine."

"OK, but tread carefully is all I'll say."

A complex pattern of red and orange and yellow suggested he understood.

"We've established I love you, whether or not you reciprocate. And you have raised the longevity discrepancy. I first mentioned the machine because of this. This was also one reason I built the machine. Another was the pregnancy. To be honest, I'm not sure who our offspring might take after in lifespan, but I thought about Mom and Dad both being around."

"I guess that's kinda sweet of you. Would have been more sweet if you, you know, spoke to me. But I'll let that slide."

"There's another reason Emily. I thought I'd said more than enough last night, but it's a problem. At least potentially. Again, I don't know who our prospective child will take after, maybe they will be a mix. But I've heard that interspecies progeny can be problematic. Worst case, a humanoid mother might not make it to full-term. Even if they do, birth is substantially more hazardous. Don't ask me about percentages, I don't have that information. I don't think there have been any studies. But it's a concern."

"Well, I have to say I'm concerned as well, David. Is there anything to be done?"

David came over all ovine again.

"I looked into it. The recommended approach is the consciousness decoupling we discussed. The embryonic essence is preserved. You would be a pregnant incorporeal consciousness and any form you took would be pregnant as well."

I was dumbfounded.

"But you don't know the percentages?"

"No, Emily, sorry."

"OK. Something to think about, I guess."

I collected my thoughts.

"Well, before this latest bombshell, I'd wanted to talk to you about the pregnancy. I still do. Even with what you have just said, I'm thinking that I might be happy about it. I could change my mind, I have had a lot to absorb very quickly. But I think -- at present at least -- I'm happy. Can you give me a little more time to get used to the idea -- and now to factor in this new information?"

"Of course, Emily. I'll try to find out more and we can keep talking. I think I'd like to hug you, can I hug you?"

"You can. I'd like that a lot. But can you help me with something else first? I'm having this horrible morning sickness. As I understand things, it can happen right at the beginning and then calm down for a while before kicking in again around nine weeks. I don't know how much a normal human pregnancy is any guide, but if you could help me now, that would be lovely."

"Let me do just that, Emily."

The word evaporation was again apt and I immediately felt better.

"Thank you. How about that hug?"

"Did you want me in human form, Emily?"

"No I want my octopus boyfriend. I want the real you. Just promise me we'll take decisions together going forwards."

"I promise, Emily, cross my hearts."

With that I put my arms round his head and lay my cheek against him. I felt warm tentacles embrace me, hold me close. It felt nice. I felt cared for.

I also felt like I wanted to be kissed. I wanted to forget about major, difficult problems for just a while. Relying on my thoughts being transparent I asked:

"Can we try something?"

"Sure, Emily."

Towards the front of David's head, a humanoid mouth appeared, but perfectly blended into the rest of him. I moved round and kissed him. I kissed him hard and urgently. It was my turn to cry now, but not so much in sadness as happiness, tinged with a slight sense of being overwhelmed. He brushed away my tears with gentle strokes.

"Undress me, please. I want our skin to touch."

Tenderly his tentacles worked together to remove my overalls, T-shirt, shorts and socks; no material would be shredded today. He picked my naked body up and cradled me in mid air. I returned to kissing him.

"I want you inside me, David. But be gentle. If you really love me, then show it."

Continuing to cradle me, he stroked my hair. Other tentacles caressed my breasts. One found my clitoris and rubbed it slowly and lightly, sending tiny tingles tearing through me. Yet another ran up and down my labia, then slipped into my pussy.

"Kiss me, David. I'd like you in my ass as well, but slow and easy, OK?"

He lifted and tilted me towards his mouth, I liked this new addition. I held my lips open and received his tongue. I felt a familiar shiver as David sterilized my viscera, then an arm, slippery with his secretions, rubbed against my asshole, spreading the lubricant, and then sliding slowly inside. Breaking off from kissing momentarily, I breathed rather than spoke:

"Not too deep, not too much girth. Slow and sensuous. Yes, just like that. Thank you, that's lovely."

I returned to kissing David, his tongue deep in my mouth. Some tentacles holding me safe and warm, others stroking my hair and skin and breasts, one gently rubbing my clit. He massaged the walls of both my pussy and ass with his flexible, muscular limbs; the cadence adagio ma non troppo.

"That's beautiful, angel. Just keep doing that. I want the slowest orgasm ever. Then I want you to cum for me. But can we please have some moderation? Flooding the tube is so intense, not every time, OK?"

"Of course, Emily. I only want you to be happy. To give you pleasure."

Pleasure was the word. I felt like every nerve ending was being activated, but oh so softly. I felt myself slip deeper into a warm bath of sensual stimulation. But stimulation so gentle it was hard to separate from relaxation.

I don't know how long we were like this, it felt like some time. When my climax eventually arrived, rather than ascending a rocky peak, it felt like strolling up a rolling hill, strewn with meadow flowers and with the dull buzzing of insect life as a soundtrack. It didn't break over me, it elevated me on rising, balmy waters, their ebbing leaving me on soft, sunbaked sand. As I meandered slowly down the hill, I was bathed again, but now internally by David's restrained and lazily pulsing injection of milky warmth. It was perfect and there was only one possible response.

"I love you, David."

"I know."

I suppose he had always known.

A klaxon sounded penetratingly and I woke abruptly. David was nowhere to be seen.

"Alexa! What is going on."

"We are experiencing another anomaly. May I suggest the bridge, Emily."

I dressed rapidly and sprinted to the bridge. There I found an agitated David, his skin pulsing with what looked like fear. The monitors showed clouds enveloping the ship, familiar clouds.

"They have come, Emily. This is what I feared."

Something dropped into place mentally for me.

"You've been worried all these weeks, haven't you? You've been using your mind to stop me from talking to you about it. Oh David, I thought we said no more."

"We did and I was aiming to talk to your today, but I've run out of time."

He didn't even look at me as he spoke. His gaze was fixed on the screens.

"I'm sorry. But, Emily, we don't have time for a proper apology."

The monitors showed the clouds collapsing, adhering to the ship's hull. Sinking inside.

"Emily. Another reason for the machine was to avoid this. To avoid a breach of my banishment terms. I thought we would have more time to talk, to decide."

As he spoke, two gray clouds appeared and began to resolve into shapes. In seconds, a centaur and a winged unicorn were standing on the bridge. Both sported official-looking insignia. The centaur spoke, or rather his voice sounded in my mind.

"We are officers of the Banishment Enforcement Agency. You need to come with us."

David was dragged by some unseen force to hover between what I assumed were his compatriots. Things happened so quickly. All three creatures began to dissolve into gray smoke. In my mind, rather than verbally, I heard David's voice.

"I love you, Emily. I'm so sorry. I'll live on in your memory. In your memory. Hold on to that."

And then they were all gone. I collapsed to my knees, holding my head in my hands and wailed. The wailing crescendoed as I raised my head and flung out a soul-shredding scream of "No!"

They say that time heals all wounds. I guess it had only been two days, but mine were red raw and bleeding. It felt like I was exsanguinating. I'd found love in the strangest place, then rejected it. Then, when I had just come to my senses, had it snatched away from me. The time had allowed for some self-analysis at least. And maybe a little self-knowledge.

It was clear to me now, what had been so confusing. Maybe it was the surge of early pregnancy hormones. Maybe it was my constant desire for what I don't have, pretty much regardless of the things I do have. But I now realized that my main driver was to not let others in, to not let people get too close, lest they let me down. To avoid even the most mild codependency at all costs. Plus, I guess at least some girls might need a bit of time to adjust to a floating, cephalopod lover. There was that.

Well if part of me craved being alone and independent, then it had got what it wanted. I toyed with waking Na-ri up again, but to what end? The same went for any other crew member. And did I really want to try to explain things?

Most of all, I didn't know what to do. There were no practical steps that came to mind. I wanted David back. I also wanted to talk to him about what was growing within me. But I had no clue where he was or how to reach him. I was worried, I recalled the phrase decommissioning of consciousness. Oh David!

Then I was also worried about myself. I was expecting and alone. From what David had told me, I faced risks if I continued with the pregnancy. Maybe substantial ones. David didn't know how high, or maybe didn't say. But the way he spoke about them, it didn't seem to be one in a million.

Regardless of risks, did I want to have a child? I had felt positive at first. I still did, but was that heart over head? What would the child be like? Could I even take care of it? I was so lost and had so few answers. I assumed that many women had these types of feelings. Not many had an octopus as the absent Father.

Then there was the specter of the machine. A theoretical specter to be sure as I had no clue how to turn it on, let alone use it. I'd scanned the ship's archives for anything about David's species, or a consciousness extracting machine, but there had not been even a hint of a reference to anything like that.

Also, I was haunted by our last love-making. How perfect it had been, how fulfilling; spiritually as well as sexually. Also his last words reverberated:

"I love you, Emily. I'll live on in your memory. In your memory. Hold on to that."

I knew I was struggling as it wasn't just memory, I could hear David's voice in my head. Whispering, saying my name. Perhaps it had all been too much to deal with. I'd got the ship's computer to do a psych evaluation and all was apparently well, but I wasn't sure I believed it. With all I'd been through, I figured that going a little crazy would probably be quite a normal response.

The computer has also given the embryo, well more the ball of cells at this point, a clean bill of health. One thing less to worry about. Or was it one more? Everything was messed up and wrong. My days dragged. My nights were sleepless. I grabbed what rest I could when I could. And then this morning...

I woke with a start.

"I love you, Emily. I'll live on in your memory. In your memory. Hold on to that."

He was being fucking literal. It had sounded clumsy when he spoke, but I had made allowances for the situation and his still occasionally tenuous grasp of English. But he was being literal. I wasn't going crazy, I wasn't hearing voices. David had planted a message in my brain. All I had to do was start to listen to it.

I sat myself in the lotus position, why I have no idea, I like yoga, OK? Moving my hands from my knees to my abdomen, I breathed in and out slowly, eyes closed.

"OK, junior, let's try to listen to Daddy."

And it really was as simple as that. I'd been expecting a recorded message, but suddenly I could hear David, as clear as a bell.

"Hello, Emily. I've been trying to get your attention. To borrow your phrase, maybe you have been a little blonde about it."

"Is that really you, David?"

I thought the words, I didn't speak them.

"It's really me. We'll sort of. It's not all of me. It's kind of a minimal back-up copy of me. As much as I could set up in your brain without... well frankly without causing any damage."

Homunculus David paused.

"But Emily, this is important. I'm not permanent. I'm a pattern imprinted on your brain and the pattern will degrade. That's why I've been trying to get your attention."

"Oh, David, there is so much I want to ask you. It's so lovely to hear your voice again."

"It's lovely to talk to you Emily, but I must be quick."

"OK, David, no chit chat. I get it."

"Emily. This is not about me. It's about you. It's about our child, if you choose to go that way. You were right, I was worried for so long. But that means I also made some preparations."

Maybe my boyfriend wasn't quite so dim after all.

"I can still read your mind, Emily!"

"Oh, sorry."

"These are entirely your decisions, Emily. But I wanted to give you options. If you decide it's too much to proceed, then I've left instructions for how you can terminate this."

I could tell he was desperately trying not to sound upset, but his sadness was evident as he spoke.

"If you decide otherwise, then you come to the next fork in the road. The one with a direction labelled MACHINE."

I tensed at the mention. Too many bad memories.

"It's OK, Emily. It's entirely up to you. I tried to take decisions for you, but it didn't end so well, did it? But if you chose that path, I have left instructions for that as well."

"Left instructions? Where?"

"In the ship's computer, Emily. Just ask David instead of asking Alexa. Anything you might need to know should be in there."

"Of course, silly me. Why didn't I think of that?"

"One more thing. I must be brief. I only have minutes at most."

"Then get on with it man, for fuck's sake!"

"Pregnancy and morbidity. As I say, there is little hard data, but I found one piece of research, the night before they came for me. There was no time. I'm sorry."

"Go on, no time for apologies."

"There are very few cases, so averages are pretty meaningless. But the study estimated a 10% mortality rate during pregnancy and a further 10% mortality rate during childbirth. In the first case, maternal death would mean fetal death. If the child was born and you died, it obviously couldn't survive. So your fates are intertwined. I'm sorry, Emily. It's not good news, I realize. I wish I was there to help."

I felt my head was swirling with factual and emotional overload.

"Emily. Listen. I think I'm going to have to go soon. I have two things I want to say quickly."

He gathered himself, no doubt wasting precious time.

"First, and most importantly, I love you. I couldn't possibly love you any more. I'm so glad we met. Even if our time together was brief, it was the happiest time in my long life."

This of course might have carried greater weight had David not just spent millennia floating alone in interstellar space. But I guess I'd take it.

"Second. I trust you. I made a joke about hair color. But you are super smart, smart enough to figure this out. Whatever you decide will be the right decision."

Well at least I'd got through to him on something. Took long enough.

"Emily, I have to go. I love you. I'll never forg..."

And then he was gone. He'd left me again. Twice in three days. Men!

I was sitting cross-legged on the floor of my room and knew it was now up to me and me alone.

So, when you have decisions to make, gather information.

"David! Tell me how to turn on the machine."

He'd even hijacked the computer's voice. I guess if I ever want to hear him, I now can. David reeled off a lot of instructions. I asked for a hard copy.

I wasn't so sure about the next question, but made myself ask it.

"David! Tell me about termination."

I listened and again asked for a printed version. Then I spent a while reading, re-reading, silently thinking and stroking my stomach, which I found soothing. I had been wondering if David's morning sickness magic might wear off, but not so far.

So, what are your conclusions, Emily Wilson? Well, David had laid out a decision tree for me. But screw that! I'm going to make up my own mind about what I am making my mind up about. Try saying that after two Modern Zombies. I'm adding a tier to the tree. What can I do to help David?

During my attempted prognostication I had had two thoughts occur to me, both based on things that David had mentioned. First, he had been able to detect faint traces of his people across long distances. Second, he was able to travel very rapidly, rapidly enough to traverse interstellar space. I had found two additional, and somewhat compelling, reasons to use the machine.

What had he said? Anything you might need to know should be in there.

"David! Tell me about interstellar travel."

I was right. He was a thorough octopus and had left instructions about that. My final question for now.

"David! Tell me about detecting others of your species."

I didn't bother to listen to the full reply, he'd covered it. I guess he'd uploaded a user guide for being an incorporeal space consciousness. That could prove useful.