All Comments on 'Diamond in the Rough'

Good style, good dialogue - I look forward to reading more!

Also: you mention that he got the tea before she arrived there twice. Probably a cut/paste thing... unless it's ominously significant!

You used a couple of italics to space pauses in the dialog/story. That use makes a reader pause to change the pace or location of the story. However when Alex/Gabriella is at work the story changes to the meeting at the cafe within a line space or two. I was confused a bit since maybe she was still talking with her boss.

It threw me that Marcus did not recognize Alex at the cafe meeting since he described her as beautiful during the texting that started the story. He should have recognized her but didn't? And Alex gave no hint about the coincidence that both guys were named Marcus. Marcus initially wanted to meet Alex at the cafe next to his business; then Alex mentioned that she wanted to meet him at a cafe next to his business which she knew was the club he worked at. She also gave no hint as to knowing what was going to happen at the meeting at 4 pm at the same place of the cafe.

Anyway, after all that said, it am intrigued just what limits are going to be tested by both Marcus and Alex. And just how far past those limits each will be going. Seems that Alex already has a taste based on her limits she so carefully had documented. PLease more chapters.

I like your informal writing style, the main body of the story is fine but there are some spelling/ grammar errors that were jarring normally this isn’t a problem for me as I tend to autocorrect as I read (I know several people with dyslexia). I agree with the comments from Anon of 9th August, as a reader it made stop and have to reread part of the story to work out what was going on. Like think the segue from meeting her boss to the 4pm meeting with Marcus, or that she “showed an artist ability” instead of artistic. At one point I wasn’t sure if she’d met her boss in the cafe as well? It’s an easy enough to fix, perhaps you could give some more description of places as well as people, or mention the weather or her journey to the coffee shop?

Although the informal style gives it a fresh natural appearance it did seem at one point to be one long conversation, showing the change in direction like using the “later that evening” phrase did help but adding more descriptive text should make it flow more smoothly.

Eg so instead “later that night” you could try;

After saying goodbye to Marcus, then making my way through cross town traffic I was relieved to be home. Meeting Marcus an hour earlier than I expected to had frazzled my nerves a little so I decided to call Lizzy.

I suppose it’s a bit like padding the story out but I’ve always thought those kind of details as ‘setting the scene’.

I know that might all come across as horribly negative but it’s definitely not intended that way. If I hadn’t enjoyed it I probably wouldn’t have given what I hope is constructive criticism. I did enjoy your story and am looking forward to reading more.

Thanks for sharing your imagination.

Tess (UK)