All Comments on 'Disconnection'

It was like watching a man's well-muscled arm reach out, grab a large, heavy hammer and deliver a massive strike. Unfortunately, we never get to see the results. How changed would your story be if, after the rest of the family departed, Mark says, "Well, that wasn't as bad as I feared, now we can move to Tahiti with a clean slate and a clear plate!" We can't judge if the cheaters are hurt, baffled, outraged, or just wondering where their waiter was.

This is a decent story, but it flows awkwardly, and the reader takes a while to understand who all the players are. There are some incorrect or names in a few places, or maybe it's the sentence structure. In any event, the action, plot, and conflict are buried inside this confusing ball of twisting, turning intrigue and ennui. An editor is not really meant to catch mistakes as much as they are there to fine-tune the writer's vision of the story with the way it reads. Said another way, when writing, we "see" it all unfold in our minds as we write, but what we convey of that vision isn't always how it is read or perceived by the reader. That's why a complex story like this demands an editor. Most writers in LW wouldn't dare attempt to write this story. You need to rewrite it because this is a great idea. As it reads now, a 2, maybe a weak 3. It's got the DNA of a 5 in it.

In response to WhoGivesAShit: Mark is not the sperm donor for Paul and LIzzie. He is the sperm donor to Lucy and Lizzie. Lizzie with his wife (Sarah) and Lucy was the affair (with Sandra). Lucy is Paul's younger sister. So the timeline makes sense. The affair baby is Lucy (Mark and Sandra). Sandra is married to Jim. Paul is Jim's and Sandra's oldest.

I liked the story. Could have used a little description of the married couples at the beginning. I had to read it twice to understand that Jim and Sarah were (Mark's and Sandra's) spouses.

Great story. Would not mind a follow up piece

I’m sorry, I had to quit reading after about half of the first page, my head was swimming I couldn’t tell who belonged to who, very confusing. I know you don’t have an editor, but try to spell out which characters are doing what, and maybe don’t introduce so many characters at one time, let us get use to who the characters are a couple at a time. Thanks KS

Yes, it was confusing at the beginning, but I loved the drama and power in the communication. There was nothing the cheaters could say. It would have added a bit if, like in a movie, we the audience would get more glimpses of the cheaters reactions to the ongoing dialog.

That was too much. Also, "their partners" is ambiguous and 95% of the readers understood it the other way.

Totaly confused.This needs a rewrite

Totaly confused.This story needs rewriting.

Not a bad story. But, confusing was which character was speaking and to who. The wives are named Sarah and Sandra - really. How about a bit more separation.

What sanctimonious twaddle.

It was perfectly understandable, right up to the point that we discovered brother and half sister were going to have a baby.

But this wasn't set in Alabama ...

I have always felt that I am a reasonably intelligent person, however after reading this story,I am totally confused.

You may wish to offer your skills to the US Congress to write bills.

Anonymous3 months ago

What sanctimonious twaddle.

It was perfectly understandable, right up to the point that we discovered brother and half sister were going to have a baby.

But this wasn't set in Alabama ...

...Kentucky...

Did they ever get to eat?

A story of back stabbing, deceit and betrayal but story is incomplete

Plus, everyone in this story is a bad, moral backstabbing betrayarer so I got nothing of this story

Too many characters introduced at the start to process properly, came across as a muddled mess!

Thank you! I really enjoyed this! They got exactly what they deserved! I would love a sequel if you ever get the chance! :)

Too damn confusing. The children seemed far too vindictive.

5*

Load of confusing twaddle. Read this 3 times and still don't know what's going on!!

The best burn: the narcs get tossed, and the real humans get on with life.

Weren’t the 3 kids all related? But 2 are getting married?

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It was good…but the vehemence of hate from the kids didn’t seem plausible.

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4 ****