All Comments on 'Disconnection'

This was an interesting tale with appropriate consequences as the backstabbers get burned.

yeah but maybe a 2nd part , 1-2 Years in the Future ?

Great story. Maybe it would have been nice to have a couple of paragraphs describing what happened in the future. Sandra and Mark and going to be facing a lonely life filled with regret - something they both highly deserve.

linda fantasia

Torched to a frazzle. As good a burning story as I can recall. I'm more of a happy ending reconciliation 'where possible/appropriate' but a well written and well thought out burning does just as well.

I assume they all lived happily ever after - other than the obvious pair.

Look forward to more stories, thank you.

Aren't lizzie and Paul half siblings?

Couldn't tell who was who. D

Too much information zipped into one short story.

Lost track of who was doing what.

I enjoyed the story, but I’ll admit to being confused about the cast of characters. Maybe a little bit more in the way of introducing them would have helped.

But in terms of a verbal BTBB (burn the bitch and bastard), this was excellent, particularly Paul’s statement on not having any part of grand parenting.

An excellent and original approach is very well done, but I agree with Charette it needs a part 2.

Great story, keep on writing and sharing.

With all the characters and dialog a little difficult to follow. Great job anyway.

Too much to digest — disconnected and bit too much vitriol.

I just got totally confused

A lot of stories here are way over the top. This one nailed it! 5*****! It also makes me think about how trivial and compartmentalized a cheater's life becomes when they have lied to everyone including themselves for so long.

2*. Disjointed. Sarah and Sandra. The two names were swapped at critical moments. The exchange was clinical and, therefore lacked emotion and impact. Could have spent more time inside the cheater's thoughts. Or at leat give them a physical manifestation of their reactions.

Just lacked tension.

Pretty good story. I had a little problem following who was who but enjoyed it none the less. Sandra and Mark appear to be in for a long lonely future. Wonder if they'll think their affair was worth it?? Thanks for posting.

Was way too confusing. Had a real hard time following the characters relationship with each other. Would have been clearer if the character’s names were not as similar. Sandra/Sarah and Lucy/Lizzie were too similar which made it virtually impossible to read without stopping to think it over and then continue reading. The premise of the story was really good but as mentioned, too hard to follow. Please take this as constructive criticism. It is not my intent to attack and I apologize if that’s how you interpret it. I do look forward to more from you. You certainly have potential.

My goodness, I don’t recall a more confusing story in this site. I’ve reread it a few times and I think I have it figured out. Paul and Lizzie are getting married and she’s pregnant with his incestuous child? I think you gloss over that fact amongst all the live and support for the “new” family dynamics. 3* even with well written prose.

Good story. I like the premise and how they delivered their knowledge of the affair to the cheating couple. Echoing many of the comments below, it was really difficult to follow due to the names. Also. I agree that it would have been nice to sit with the cheaters a bit to learn the how's and why's and results.

Difficult to follow. Lost track of who was whom early on and kept getting Sandra and Sarah muddled up.

Would work well read on paper but not so well on a screen. Reading on a screen uses a different part of the brain to that used to read from paper and bypasses a lot of the critical processing we apply to paper based information. Thesis confirmed by MRI scans.

3* Very tedious to read. Lot of hot air and no action.

a perfect way to end a marriage due to cheating.

I finally figured it out, I think. But it MISSED the initial relationship setup needed at the story start. Understanding came about half way through the story.

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The big fumbled surprise adding to the relationship confusion(s) was Paul & Lizzie were de-facto engaged, that was writer omitted.

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But more curious was WHY did Mark & Sandra enter and approach the booth-table together? It gave readers the appearance they were a couple already not secret lovers, or was this a writers misdirection for impact?

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If the writer was trying to achieve IMPACT by OMISSION(s) it succeeded but not in a positive way.

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With the finality of the new RULES it appears that Mark & Sandra best be a couple or life was going to be exceedingly lonely. Since they are NOW total family outcasts with even their parents rejecting them and when the children's story is told alienation will continue to go deeper.

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Time for Mark/Sandra to consider stepping in front of a bus/train to end their outcast grief. Or totally shed their old families and move many States/Countries away and start over. Recluse anyone???

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3***, hooyah

Different. Well written. A niche is filled. Thank you.

Wow. And I thought I had a dysfunctional family. Excellent story that does not need another word said.

Way harsh and I'm certain over time in this fictional scenario that cooler heads will prevail and some forgiveness will take center stage. Hate and anger do bad things to people and it's an ugly way to live your life. But in LALA land, you really toasted their hides.

Hang on, their brother and sister and pregnant and their celebrating.

2 stars for the effort, you need an editor this is so confusing

Great story but two first cousins marrying is illegal, and then there is the genetic defects to take into consideration unless of course one of the half siblings didn't share any connection at all which without a 3rd female present would be impossible. Unless adopted of course.

Was confusing in the middle as at the start it mentioned only Lucy and Paul, where did Lizzie come into the start if all children were present, was a mixture of words spoken but no reference at points as to whom were speaking them and to which party. A little more work needed I believe when using multiple talks between persons that share a history other than marriage otherwise a good story 4 from me

No epilogue, a lot of declarations but no reactions from the cheaters as the story progresses.

Bland, tropey, and with no pathos. You’ll fit right in here.

Half-siblings are having a baby together? Genetic risks, for sure. Unnecessary twist to the tale.

poorly put together. too many characters trying to speak at once.

Yeah, no. you left out the all fall down.

Almost thought out, except for the pointed out half brother/sister thing as Mwestohio [cool pseodo btw] pointed out. Still, well scribed if a little drawn out. Thanks

Wow, your cookie cutter must be dulled to a nub after that one. Seriously, it's not too late. If you're going to keep up with this, it's worth the time to try to be original. I guarantee you, every single person who reads this will forget it existed about ten minutes after they're done. Every idea has been hashed out over, and over, and over, and over...

Jesus, at the very least, throw some actual "erotic" into your erotic story site contribution.

@Mwestohio: No! Lizzie is the daughter of Mark and Sarah. Paul is the son of Jim and Sandra. Lucy is half sibling to both.

It was unclear who the spouse's were in the beginning. You repeat minor plot points, they sit down and in the next paragraph they sit again.

What did I miss here? Don’t Lizzie and Paul share the same dad?

I think the damage wrought by the cheating pair is even greater than they realize. The disowning of the mum and dad will reverberate down through the years if the kids don’t get their heads out of their collective butts. The selfish pair hurt their spouses and children, but the cheaters also gave birth to these kids. What are the kids going to say to their kids—your grandparents died? Or that they were so despicable they cannot see them? Good luck with that or any other option. Yeah, decisions made in anger where the heart is concerned—they never come back to bite you in the butt…

I watched tv a lot when I was little. I have no attention span. The cast of characters was too large for me, thus confusing.

The BTB was great.

Good story with a chance for a follow-on. You may want to start character's names with different letters for clarity since even you can't keep them straight.

WTF?

Utterly confusing . . right from the start Mark slides into the booth and a moment later he's pulling up a chair! It doesn't get any easier either so I had to bail out, sorry!

In such a short story with no background, maybe try using names of characters that start with different letters to avoid the confusion? Lizzie, Lucy, Sarah, Sandra….

Confusing in many ways, but the more serious complaint is the lack of emotion. With no real background, all the characters were cardboard-like cutouts. I think that starting the story at “the end” may be the source of any problems. I found myself not really caring for any of the characters, whether they wore white or black hats.

Excellent! Now if everyone else will join in shunning the villains, then they will get some idea of how heinous their crimes are!

ZK

Too much dry narration.

Always wondered how stupid a husband by not knowing for 20 years and not knowing the kid is not his! When they don't find guilt for 20 years, are they going to feel anybit in the future?! I hope not.

Terrible writing. Re read the first couple of paragraphs. Mark sits down twice. And booths don’t have chairs. Paul and Lizzie can’t marry because they are half siblings. Mark doesn’t say a word during the whole Jim rant? Super sloppy.

The underlying scenario seems interesting; but, the cast of characters was introduced too quickly and with insufficient connection (for me). I couldn't figure you who was who and who was related to who. Ok, that is a big part of the story but it was very confusing to follow.

There was some repetition, too - tone of voice was qualified too often - softened, touch of conviction, unwavering, firm resolve, etc. A mix of tools to convey tone would help.

Ok, story; could be better

Thank you for sharing

Well, thank you for writing and putting this out there. MUCH appreciated. That said, I can't give it the highest marks. Here are my thoughts.

So DNA... yep, that happens. Before that, though, there were two initial cheaters that led to 1 (or is it 2 - I wasn't clear) children. Dumb mistake(s). Did it continue? Not sure. Then there are the kids violating their mother's privacy by reading her diary (why? what justification - they already knew from Jim and Sarah what had happened) and using info from the other parents to interpret the the illicit information that the mother did not intend to share. Mark's daughter(Mark being one of the initial cheaters) telling her him that he will not be her "father" any more (why? was he terrible to her growing up or is she just as vindictive as her mother?) The kids giving the cheated on spouses extra time to go and exact revenge on the initial cheaters by... you guessed it: cheating on their spouses. What kids tell their collective parents - go take some extra time to have sex, you deserve it?) The "cheated on" spouses turning the tables and cheating on their spouses in revenge sex and, apparently, falling for each other for a happily-ever-after relationship. And the children accepting that since it wasn't them (Jim and Sarah) that cheated first, it's ok, apparently reasoning that as long as you weren't the first to cheat it was perfectly acceptable to cheat.

Just because they did it is perfectly acceptable for them to do the same and for the supportive cast (kids) to way-lay willy-nilly? Color me confused.

I am sure this is based on a true story somewhere and just wondering how a spouse could cheat and claim to love their spouse

Very confusing! Far too much drama and repetition. The characters are not well identified at the outset and it creates a difficult situation to follow. If it was at least well written it would be worth going back to re-read and try to organize but I just can’t be bothered.

100% of the characters showed up very early. That's a lot to take in. Since you're writing it and had thought through the single encounter that makes up this story, these characters and their connections are clear to you. To your readers(at least me) not so much. Use dialogue to "Tell them, tell them what you told them, then tell them again." Why are they reading a mother's diary? That's never explained. The various relationships are bit murky, similar names don't help. I think there's a decent story there but it's more than a bit hazy.

Very nicely done... and 5 stars earned for it.

Not sure what mistakes you made on yourcearliercworks, but I'm going to read them to see if I thought they were actually mistakes !

I had to stop after the first few paragraphs. I couldn't track who was who. I just gave up.

Sarah …..Sandra ……too confusing.

Wow. You really need a road map to follow this one. If I have it right, Mark and Sandra meet at a play date for Paul and Lizzie. Mark and Sandra have a 20-year affair resulting in Lucy being Mark's daughter instead of Jim's daughter even though he raised her as his own with Mark and Sandra laughing about it behind everyone's back. Lizzie and Lucy are half-sisters, and Paul and Lucy are half-siblings. When Paul marries Lizzie and the baby is born, Lucy will be the baby's aunt on both the mother AND father's side. I could be wrong, but I don't think so. What a tangled mess. 4-stars for this puzzle.

You can't tell the players without a score card. Or maybe you can!

5

The outline of the story was good but the execution was lacking.

GREAT story!!!

For me it was a bit confusing, all the names, one talking towards the others, but never having a clear idea of who is who..., parents, lovers, sons-daughters and couples..., a bit mix-up... (at least for me...)

I loved it! For once the kids react as they should. The cheating parents betrayed not just their spouses, but their children also, their families. Would love to see a second part! Thank you!

Once I figured out who was who - this was a strong read. Lots of emotion. I would like to have heard the what Sandra and Mark said when the group of 5 left the table

A couple of editing notes: You need to watch your consistency. The story started off really confusing by talking about "pulling out a chair" in a booth. Then pulling out another chair in the booth, and plopping down in the booth in the chair just pulled out....

I'll echo that it was a little confusing to follow who was who, need to work on smoother transitions.

For the story line: excellent!

I enjoyed the story, but like others, was confused with who was who. Believable emotions, especially the cheaters, who felt they were even, because the other spouses got together.

Completely lost me, so just a 3.

Great story. Loved it!

Where will the new family live? And when?

5 stars - regardless of the very few flaws in this story, the impact of the situation was brilliantly delivered - right in the two losers faces - may they both live long and lonely lives.

Messy and to hard to read. Could not get who was who. I would recommend a rewrite.

Twenty years of meaningless sex? Enchanting!

Wow, that was quite something! Difficult to get my head around at first but it all fell into place by the end. Just one little niggle, though and this author is not the only guilty party by any means; when you are talking directly TO someone you are not referring to that person you are addressing said person. When you are talking ABOUT someone that is when you are referring to said person. A good effort, though and four stars.

That sounds interesting. Is there any paper or study available about this?

I'm... confused.

Alex, it might have been a good story if it wasn't confusing as hell trying to figure out who was who. A good proof-reader could have pointed out the shortcomings and made it more readable and understandable. 3 stars.

The dynamics, situation and writing were good.

I had to flip to the top 6 paragraphs three times to figure out who was who.

I originally thought Jim and Sarah were married to the kids. What adulterous couple arrives together without their spouses?

Then when Lizzie and Paul discussed their new child, I had to spin back again to figure out if this was an inadvertent incest story!

Not bad but could use a beta reader.

Who the hell was who , had to go back over first page twice then gave up

Mark was too large for just a booth?? Confusing tale, it is.

Well done. No violence, but savage nonetheless.

Trivia::Only 24 states ban marriage between first cousins. Don't assume that because your state allows or bans something, all do. That's not how any of that works unless SCOTUS makes shit up.

very sad, but very original, well written, but the mutual hurt too deep to fix

Thought it was a good story didn't come here for English lit class

While you claim this story is self-edited, I question if you didn't mean unedited... For example, you said "Mark smoothly slid into the booth, pulling out a chair and settling down." Well, which did he do? Did he slide into a booth or did he pull out a chair and sit down? The two are mutually exclusive unless you have him change his mind and get back up in between the two actions. Then, to double-down on convincing me it's unedited, you had him repeat this in the next paragraph with "Mark pulled out a chair and plopped himself down in the booth."

I agree with those below who say that this story is confusing. I had to reread the early parts multiple times to figure out that Mark and Sandra weren't a married couple meeting their kids/step-kids for a meal. When you said "Assuming that their partners must have stepped away momentarily" it seemed like you meant the kids partners, not partners of the two people coming in together like a married couple.

Some wise advice that I have found and followed is to not have multiple characters with similar names unless it is necessary to the plot of the story. In fact, the best practice is to give each character a unique first initial. With Sandra/Sarah and Lizzie/Lucy being so similar, this story would have benefited from this advice.

Then, there is the fact that as half siblings, Paul and Lizzy can't get married. Them having an incestuous child is not exactly going to put them in a good light with anybody, even if it isn't their fault that they're related. The fact will remain that they knew they were related a month before they became pregnant, so they have no excuse and will be given no quarter. People will easily overlook the parents' affair and focus on the incest. After all, an affair is only immoral while incest is illegal.

Finally, it's not really a devastating blow to leave the two lovers together. If Mark and Sandra end up getting married, no matter what Jim and Sarah or the kids say, people are going to form their own opinions. When they see both couples re-couple followed by Paul and Lizzie having to break their engagement, public opinion is just as likely (if not more likely) to decide that Jim was the cheating biological father instead of Mark.

So, in conclusion, it was a confusingly written story that failed on both technical and content issues.

A brilliant piece of highly intelligent writing. Don't ever think of changing one word.

Would have loved to see a bit more of the aftermath from the cheaters but I really liked the setup, resolution, and approach.

Looking forward to more of your stories.

Damn. Harsh toke bro.

Good story, but I needed more on the aftermath of the confrontation. More on the reaction or Sandra and Mark would make the story more complete.

It’s a 5 star story. Finally someone that Goes on with their lives, and cut of the toxic crap with out everyone pushing that forgiveness crap

Too confusing, gave up before the end of page 1. Did YOU even reread what you wrote before posting?

5*****. Occasionally I had to reread a section to make sure I had not missed something, but a very strong effort.

Kinda finally got the drift of who was who and what was happening by the end of the story but it was a struggle. After reading your first two stories I must say that I found each of them to be far better than this one. 2 stars for giving me headache, 4 stars for being a decent writer, settling on 3 stars as a final core.

I agree, it was a bit hard to figure out, but once I did it was a very good story. 4*

I think I get what you were attempting, but it needs work. Unnecessarily confusing with the similar names, and a bit over stated, the contempt and extinguished relationships.

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But as is too often the case, this story focuses on the methods of discovery and the revenge to be imparted. It would be kind of interesting to understand how these two cheating assholes fucked each other for 20 years, just for the sex. Was their married sex lives inadequate? Were the two cheaters like ordained from God to have the most incredible sex ever? And it never got boring or bland after 20 years, and kept up despite the possible cost to their marriages? It would be interesting to illustrate the dynamics of that kind of chronic sexual attraction and satisfaction. Man, they must have set the bed on fire when they fucked. Guess that wasn't supposed to be part of the story.

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Nice to hear the two cheating assholes just got flushed down their family's memory holes. Wonder if Mark's magic dick can fill those holes?

Guess this was supposed to be a clever mystery, but I found the intentional obfuscation annoying.

Too many characters interspersed at the same time. It got confusing. Maybe next time do what some authors do with a cast of characters at the beginning.

Outstanding!

"""" Mark smoothly slid into the booth, pulling out a chair and settling down, while Sandra followed suit, her gaze briefly scanning the surroundings before joining him. Oblivious to the unusual circumstances, they took their seats, ready to enjoy a joyful evening together, completely unaware of the shocking revelation that was about to unfold.

Mark pulled out a chair and plopped himself down in the booth, greeting the group with a cheerful "Hey kids!". Sandra, glancing around the restaurant, followed suit and pulled out her own chair before asking, "Where are Jim and Sarah?".....""""" Boy oh boy, Mark takes a long time getting into the BOOTH and CHAIR. Eh??

I liked the story, but there’s a significant inconsistency. Paul said that Mark and Sandra met when Paul and Lizzie bonded at playgroup. Mark is the sperm donor for both. Clearly they met much earlier. Constructive suggestion:: try using names that don’t all start with the same letters. Sarah and Sandra, Lucy and Lizzie…. makes it a challenge to follow, and easy for the writer to make mistakes.

Oh man! I hope there's a part 2! I'd love to hear about how completely devastated the cheaters become! 5 stars!