- Reviews & Essays
- Domestic Violence
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This essay has been inspired by the 'male side of gender issue' thread on the Author's Hangout. It's in no way meant to be moralizing and, maybe, even not informative but it's there.
Domestic Violence, Spousal Abuse. Ugly names huh? For hundreds of thousands of men and women around the world it's a reality. Abusers call it 'Love'; the abused, well sometimes they're so far gone they only call it 'their life.'
Nobody knows what brings it on, as abuse has numerous faces. It can be physical, emotional, psychological, monetary or hundreds of other forms that I haven't encountered, and wish never to encounter. They don't have to be all together to be considered abuse, sometimes they appear one at a time, sometimes only one form appears but nonetheless, when abuse shows its ugly face you can be sure somebody's life will be destroyed.
I wish I could say in clear explanations what is and what isn't abuse, but unfortunately I can't. I can only speak from personal experience, mine and men and women that I consider friends, and tell you what it was for us.
- It's him expecting dinner to be on the table as soon as he arrives, even though you're going to school full time, work 40 hours/week, take care of the kids and make sure the house is in impeccable condition;
- It's having to draw his bath at night and sit on the commode while he's washing so he can complain to you about his day and not see anything wrong with it;
- It's doing the grocery and buying only what HE likes because you know he won't be happy if you buy what YOU like;
- It's filling up the car and knowing the fuel will have to hold until next week because he won't give you more gas money;
- It's putting all the bills under your name but having to give HIM the money to pay it because he says so;
- It's never seeing his pay check because he says you don't need to, anyway yours is big enough for the house expense;
- It's having him talk about you as if you weren't there;
- It's him telling you he's told everybody you're stupid and youbetter act accordingly when his boss comes to dinner this weekend;
- It's feeling your blood freeze when he glares at you from across the room because you're enjoying yourself and he hasn't allowed it;
- It's having a conversation with someone and have them say "Wow, you're not half as dumb as he had painted you to be";
- It's cooking dinner and have him throw it all out when it's cooked because he's decided that's not what he wants to eat;
- It's having him bruise your arms and legs because he knows he cannot hit you in the face, it would show too much, and you thanking him for being considerate;
- It's being pregnant and having him tell everybody he encounters that the child isn't his so he won't lose his 'options';
- It's taking your child to the hospital and never have him there to relieve you because hospitals are for sissies and he doesn't have time to waste;
- It's having sex when HE wants and being denied orgasms because you don't 'deserve' it for whatever reasons he's come up with;
- It's telling you he doesn't want you to see your friends because they're a bad influence on you;
- It's telling you your family is not worthy of his time and you'd better make sure he's never there when you see them;
- It's keeping the kids from making noise because daddy's home and he doesn't want to hear them breathe;
- It's making sure the kids have eaten before he arrives so he won't have to 'suffer' their presence while he's enjoying his food;
- It's only watching the TV programs HE watches because he says everything else is crap and you don't need more stupidity to enter your brain;
- It's having him give you the 'silent treatment' (he doesn't talk to you for days on end, acts as if you're not there, totally ignores you) because you've decided to keep going to school even though he told you to stop;
- It's sending a wedding invitation to your future mother in law and receive a "My condolences, I pity you" as a reply and not see it as a bad omen,
- It's only wearing the clothes he tells you to, because everything else makes you look fat and hedefinitely doesn't want anyone to know his wife is a 'fat cow';
- It's keeping you from talking on the phone. At first it's very sweet; he's taking the phone from your hand, hangs it up, takes you to the bedroom and fucks you royally when you complain he's just hung up on your friend or family and he says he couldn't wait another minute to 'have' you but after a while he simply hangs up without reason, just because he hasn't allowed you to talk on the phone;
- It's forbidding you to work so he can keep a tight check on you.
- It's pleading to have money to buy milk for the kids, even though it's YOUR money and you've earned it;
- It's him calling you in the middle of the grocery store to make sure you're exactly where you said you would be and having to tell himexactly what's in your cart;
- It's him making you spend all your money on something HE wants, to make sure you'll depend on him for the rest;
- It's being told off when you go to the Salvation Army to buy winter coats for the kids and pay more than 5$ when he's wearing one you've just paid 300$ for;
- It's walking in the snow with your running shoes because if you buy yourself a pair of boots he won't give you money to buy boots for the kids;
- It's only cooking what HE wants, never what you would like;
- It's finding out, when you've finally got the help you needed to leave, that the bills haven't been paid for the last six months and because they're all under your name you'll have to pay them if you don't want your 'good name' to suffer;
I could keep on like that for page after page and it still wouldn't be everything. Abuse is very insidious and you only notice it after the fact.
People think that leaving is easy, however, when you've walked in an abused person's shoes for a while you realize that leaving is thehardest thing to do. The first thing the abuser makes sure to do is strip you of all your basic survival skills. You don't know anything anymore and you're afraid.
If you know of an abusive situation, please try to help put an end to it. Don't put yourself in the middle if you don't want to but get them the help they need, even if it's only a shoulder to cry on for the abused person. Every little shred of decency and goodness the abused person sees is a little bit of hope and sunshine into their life.
This essay is dedicated to my friends, known and unknown, who yesterday, today or tomorrow have to live with this reality.
May we all find shelter in the storm.
- COMMENTS
Anonymousover 7 years agoBy a person named Rishiraj Sen. Refer to below link:
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1803662713211573&set=a.1549532435291270.1073741828.100007035852159&type=3&theater
Anonymousover 7 years agoBy a gentleman named Rishiraj Sen on Facebook.
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1803658269878684&set=a.1549532435291270.1073741828.100007035852159&type=3&permPage=1
Update: Post has been taken down
Tossawayover 8 years agoI think your words might just help some. I had a college classmate who's wife was an abuser, still is. I don't know how to help, so I stay quiet, but very upset that I can't help.
Anyway, your article should be a benefit to some, & that is a good thing.
Tossawayover 8 years agoI realize that it's been about 6 years, but I feel that we have lived similar lives with the women we chose to be with. I, after reading what you wrote, realize that I have faired an easier time with the women (some were only females, not mature in mind). But like you, I have always tried to respect the woman I was in a relationship with. Yes, I have been abused from time to time, but I despise the controlling, physical, & emotional abuse dished out, no matter who is doing to whom.
Your comment is sad, but right on target. I hope you have a better life now.
Tavadelphinover 10 years agoAnd while the comments seem full of long descriptions of how true -
I simply need to note it - like most human behavior - works both ways - woman are by no means just the victims they are the abusers too - far too many people live with the abuse because: ADD A RATIONALIZATION OF VALID EXCUSE HERE -
Too many to list -
Thank you Milady -
RonRWoodover 14 years agoIts true that good, kindhearted men can be abused as well. Its usually done in a more subtle way than what brutal, controlling men do of course... I am a very strong alpha male when around men or in public. Women have smiled and flirted with me and suggested I look like I would be an animal in bed. I was raised by my Grandmother and Mother to respect women. I married at nineteen and put women all on a pedestal all my life. I have accepted subtle abuse both emotionally and financially for having done so. Too, I never left either one willingly. I finally left the first wife after 15 years and married another who quickly learned that I was loving and easy. She continued on abusing me but did so more sweetly and subtly than the first and I allowed it. Twenty-eight years with the second wife and I have finally achieved some balance. That occurred after me having retired and her wasting any financial assets we ever had. She got in trouble with borrowing money illegally and is a convicted felon now. I still take care of her and support her because I feel that I allowed her the freedom to abuse my generosity towards her all our years. To me, it was just as much my fault as theirs as I just never could believe that someone who loves you will abuse you without reason. Of course, this story is not to compare with the abuse you have described. I just wanted to let everyone know that abuse can be abuse, and not be as awful as the abuse you have aptly described. It is horrible the abuse you describe... It is awful that men will do that to women who love them. Yet, I too have been embarrassed and depressed for 45 years. I am embarrassed because I am big, strong, and have been relatively attractive all my life. The real kicker... I was a combat Marine Squad leader in Vietnam for years, and then a State Police Officer for over 40 years. The other kicker is, both my wives are lovely and small petite women. You would never guess the control they have over me if meeting them. My second wife has never cheated on me. But only because she doesn't like sex much. She never refuses me yet she never encourages or welcomes me sexually either! She was sexual the first year or so and just eased me away. Women are so good at that. You know, laying down the rules in the sex department or house I should say. And they can be so subtle and sweet about it! Just another story plot I guess. Something to think about. Sorry... Just another "Wimp" I guess.
Anonymousabout 16 years agoIf a person does not feel free to do what ever they wish in a relationship, they're at least living with a controlling person, which in itself is a form of abuse.
Whilst consideration of your partner and children is one thing, each of the people involved should know each other well enough, to know when they're being inconsiderate, and at least offer their sorrow, if they have the odd selfish moment.
No one is perfect, it's how you handle your errors that will ensure a great relationship.
Abusive behaviour is programmed into people as babies, or even before, especially if their mother has been abused during pregnancy.
They're born with all the wrong instincts, these are reinforced as they develop, so that without even being aware, they're already damaged beyond repair.
Children are a product of their environment. Damaged children will go on to produce more of the same.
It's also true that men aren't the only abusers, women who are products of poorly behaved parents, can also hurt a truly loving partner, in ways they may not even realise.
We are all about feelings. If we could all just consider each others feelings with everything we do, we'd be well on the way to ridding our societies of this ugly behaviour and its permanent damage, most especially, its continuance.
Our education systems should include human rights and how they apply to all of us, not just the people in 3rd world countries.
Everyone has the right to live their lives with total peace of mind.
No one has the right to do anything to spoil that for anyone.
If you're being abused in any way, you should get as far away from your abuser as you can, because they will never ever change.
They'll say they're sorry, they'll promise you it wont happen again, but believe me, it will, and it will happen forever.
There is no God, no heaven, no hell, life is now, you only get one shot at it.
Make your life your heaven by getting away now, or stay put and do nothing, and it will continue to be your hell.
Good luck.
HenryDavidThoreauover 18 years agoThe following are general observations (BS, if you will):
Having lived a few decades now, as a member of the species who've invented some rather clever and precise symbols to communicate with one another, I have to say the author's on target.
Both men and women are abused and can be abusers; but if we go by the law of averages, men, being physically bigger and stronger, have the edge when it comes to the art of abuse. We can add, multiple, divide, subtract, or do even more sophisticated statistical analyses (standard deviations from some means, etc.) ---- on average, men are just a tad more evil (or more able to stand toe to toe with evilness, so we are more prone to practice it?)
Maybe it is because I have always been a man, have always been single, that I feel this way?, I don't know. All I know is that from my own family on out, men are usually, on average, more brutish and brutal than women. For every extremely evil woman I've seen, read, or come across, I can easily count many more men being equally evil or being worst.
I am, for example, MORE brutal and selfish, have always been, than my gentler sisters. I'm not so dumb as not to be aware of that; but I am not so far removed from the species, at least the male gender, sadly, as not to be able to participate in being who I am.
Cultural teaching, pressure, conformity, norms, beliefs, and practices also deeply influence me, influence all of us, in fact. Some of us are more aware of them and their influence than others.
I've never drunk, smoked, or done any other illegal things, or things bad for the health, immediately or long term. I've not abused my sisters growing up, I don't think, other than doing the average sibling fights,,, But I also know both my parents treated me better than my sisters. I'd usually get first picks. If there was only a piece of meat on the table, or if there's only a last drop of water in the canteen on a long day's walk, even my mother would give it to me first.
I have learned a bit, over the years, and have tried to be more of a consciencious person, have tried to be more cognizant of myself, of my gender, of my more brutish nature, of my more impulsive and less caring nature; but it seems like such are no more than a dust in the wind, a drop in the might oceans,,, where the rest of the species is concerned,,,
My ultimate hope --- a dark one --- is that my genes (those from me, at least, if not those from my siblings) would "die out", would not get perpetuated, leaving space for a better person to come to pass, to leave his genes in the species genetic pool.
Alas! such won't be but just a dust in the wind or a drop in the mighty oceans, too. But, please, don't misunderstand me: I hate neiter myself nor the species.
I happen to think --- because I know and teach basic science, mathematics, and world history to high school students --- we are a truly awesome species, rivaling if not surpassing, in any way you "measure" it, the great but extinct dinosaurs as well as the highly successful germs, bacteria, and viruses (who've been "successful" from the very get go when life started: they were the ones who started life, in fact!), in terms of our place in time in the cosmos.
But, my god, some of the things, no,, a lot of the things, the vicious thing, we, as a supposedly very intelligent species, are willingly doing to each other --- be they our families or socalled enemies --- they truly make my skin crawl; they make me wish there were wiser species to learn from,,,
But since that's impossible, I guess both men and women of the species will just have to learn from each other, infants in a cold, dark, and expanding universe that's getting colder and darker,,, a universe that does not care one ounce whether we or ten million other species have infinitessimally briefly graced its convass,,,
HenryDavidThoreau
cloudyover 18 years agoMuch abuse is even more insidious, and more subtle than that you've listed. It's gradual, not overnight, and you don't even realize its happening until ten years down the road you have an epiphany, and it dawns on you that you have nowhere to go, no funds to get there, and the worst part of all: no one believes you.
Some abusers are also masters at the craft of fooling those around them. "He's such a good husband!" and "You're so lucky that you don't have to work!" are some of the things I hear regularly. Little do they know that I don't work because I can't, and that the "good husband" regularly claims everything is his, and I'm welcome to leave...as long as I walk wherever I go, with only the clothes on my back.
I wish I had a dime for every time I've heard "just leave" from some ignorant person's mouth.
Nice job.
Anonymousover 18 years agoMy brother and I were abused - verbally, physically, financially, and emotionally. We both had to get paper routes in 7th grade so we could have money to pay for anything we wanted, except meals and shelter. Of course, a lot of the food came from a truck garden in the back yard that we had to maintain. We both graduated from high school and never went back home to live. Unfortunately, I ended up married to a paranoid, obsessive/compulsive control freak. I didn't leave because of the kids - somebody has to protect them from their mother. Yes, I'm male and I'm abused. We had 2 boys and 2 girls. Both girls got pregnant (after hs grad) and married their abusers. The oldest one got away from her abuser after he broke her wrist. The courts gave him the kids - my grandkids. I've seen them twice in the last four years. My younger daughter got away when he skipped town to avoid probation violations. Oh, God, I cry as the cycle of violence manages to keep turning.
Thank you for writing that essay. Yes, it could have been 50 times longer, but after a while the human psyche is numbed and unfeeling. It is too much to take. Please do not respond to this posting. We have one joint email account and God help me if she finds out I sent this to you. Thank you. btw I'm filing for divorce after the first of the year.
Tail End Pete
