Dookie 01

Dookie 01

Hi there, all you beautiful people. I'm Dookie, I'm shy sometimes if I don't know you, but I like to believe that I'm not so shy after we have gotten to know each other a little bit. I don't want to be your girlfriend or anything, but I like it when you acknowledge that I wear the right clothes so well to be your girlfriend. I also have a great appreciation for all of the folks in and around my life who just don't care (LOL, or have just given up) about how I dress and look on the weekends. LOL, yep, I wore them down!

And everything else about doesn't matter much. You're free to check out my Chang homepage and I'll take your positive praise, I'll take your neutral shrug of the shoulders emoji responses and I'll even take your negative comments about how you wouldn't touch me (if people would know about, right?) and I promise, I won't defriend you or block you. I mean, I might charge you a little extra for the secret selfie that you requested, but you're just as important to me as almost anyone else, so.

So, getting back to the friends that I have worn down, I mean, managed to keep. I mean, one of the best things about have a diverse array of friends is for their unique knowledge and skills, am I right? I mean, Danny knows stuff about houses, Kenny knows stuff about trees, Quinn knows stuff about, well, no one really knows what Quinn knows about because very few people can utter any words in front of Quinn, so we all assume that Quinn just knows stuff and the list goes on and on.

Oh, and there is Freddy who knows stuff about car parts and there is his step sister, Luci who knows stuff about everyone else and personal finances, but her major is knowing a lot about everyone else, which isn't so bad sometimes.

And then there was me, the oddball queer friend who had a fricking pole barn full of what I considered junk old car parts, which were going! But to be fair, it seemed about right to have Freddy give the contents of the spider web covered pole barn contents a once over for value or scrap status.

"Oh, well I'm coming over too then, Dookie. I mean, I don't really want to say much more about all this, but my step brother Freddy and his friends are at the age where they just want to stick their man parts in anything that moves and sometimes it seems like you move around until someone compliments you about how round your butt is, so."

"Well, I'm not sure how to take that Luci, but you are always welcome at my place, so."

And five days later, huh, I still didn't know what she meant by that, but that had to wait because Freddy and Billy were standing at the front of the pole barn and staring with amazement (LOL, I hoped). Oh, and Luci, with her cute little visor hat, went straight to my kitchen table where I placed my financial records as she requested. I mean, do accounts really wear those cute little visor hats like that?

Whatever.

"Well Dookie, what you have here is a terrible decision. I mean, not every single one of these old car parts have any value to anyone other than the scrapyard, but there are some that have people who are out there looking for them, so."

"So, we're saying??????"

"Deal with keeping them and prepare yourself for maybe three years to sell them off or scrap them all and be done with it."

"Billy?????"

"Oh, wow, if it were me, an empty pole barn right now would be more important, so I'd scrap them for the metal and move forward. Also, Dookie, are you going to an afternoon Rave party or something?"

"Oh, um, well, with the pole barn being so dingy and all, I thought I might brighten things up. I mean, all you guys totally clam up when I get colorful on game and park days, so."

"Well, we're guys, so we're stupid, so, I mean, well, I don't want to say what I mean in front of Freddy and all, so."

"Dude, Billy, you've been fag dreaming over Dookie for like ever and now, oh, oh, oh, I see it now, LOL, Billy, you just clammed up! SOB, Dookie, you called it!"

Well, duh, it was an easy call to make when your friends can only manage to see with one eye, right? I mean, fag dreaming was a new one, but that may explain Billy's one funny eye anyways.

"So, um, Hank is guy who knows scrapping then guys?"

I mean, I just said it, right? It's important to know a guy for every aspect of life. Also, it's important to know how to "live call" Hank the scrapper guy.

"First of all, Dookie, keep your phone pointed into the pole barn. This is a business call and not a selfie session (but ooh la, la on those Rave party green fishnets). Um, it's hard to see everything, so my first offer is that I will clear out everything made of metal, but I keep all of the scrap returns, so?"

"I mean, ah."

"Hold the selfie session! (Sign here, Dookie). Hank, it's 60-40 in your favor. That's fair labor profit."

[Signs authorized financial advisor form???]

"Luci, 80-20 and I'll straighten up whatever I don't take."

"Hank, 65-35 and Dookie will work the beverage bar at your Tiki party this weekend."

I mean, how rare is it that two phone batteries die at the exact same time? And by that, I mean the long pause gave Billy way too many moments to figure in his mind exactly what shade of green the fishnets I wore under my shorts was.

"Hank?"

"Fine, 70-30, but Luci, you have to post that I'm having a Tiki party so people actually show up."

I mean, a grin from Luci and a hang up means I won, right?

"Billy, it's none of my business, but I'd say Dookie is deserving of a celebration Smoothie right about now, so? And yes, people have Smoothies down by the river during daylight hours too."

Oh, so an authorized financial advisor is the same as a pimp then? I mean, I only signed one piece of paper, so.

[vroom, vroom]

Well, you see what she did there, right? She kept her step brother Freddy safe from going on a Smoothie date and LOL, threw poor Billy under the bus. I mean, not that Billy minded at all, right?

And huh, Luci was right. I mean, they may not have all been on Smoothie dates, but the riverbanks were crowded. But to be clear, this is not the part of the story where I say that Billy had a good daytime date down by the river. He may have wanted that because of his well, how did Freddy say it, fag dreaming over me (while dressed, I assume), but he didn't get that. I mean, I had never anyways and besides, the damn sun was up and all, so.

LOL, but I did call him out, a little. I mean, if you want to know just how low your Smoothie date wants to keep things on the down low, LOL, just try to take a "on a date" selfie with him for posting and boom, it's quite obvious just how low down he wants to keep things on the down low. But Billy was a trooper and stayed pretty positive about things (aka, he didn't leave me down by the river).

So, I had a date and I didn't have a date, right? I mean, I posted that I had a date, but stopped short of identifying my date, but I made it clear on my Chang page that there wasn't any afternoon delight, so.

And then nothing else happened until that Friday evening. The Friday evening before I had been forced into a commitment to work Hank's Tiki party beverage bar. Oh, which I had no idea how to do, right?

"Dookie, were you going to use the broom and whisk away some of these spider webs or just stand there?"

"I'm not dating Billy, Hank!"

"Well, that doesn't help with the spider webs, but it's good to know, I guess."

"Well, what does that mean, Hank?"

"It means I need some spider bite venom antidote and it might mean that I wouldn't be mad if you dress kind of sexy tomorrow night at my Tiki mixer. I mean, did you see Luci's post? I mean, I'll actually have the chance to light the Tiki torches and all, so."

"Well, sexy is in the eye of the beholder, but I'll put on my best face and shorts and attitude and oh, I mean, I may or may not have found a pair of undies last night at the store that match your grey and white striped overalls, so."

"OMG, Dookie, I'm trying to work here, so."

"Alright Hank, I'll leave you be and fetch you a ice tea. I mean, I've never, but if you need me to suck the poisonous spider venom out of any of your spider bites, I mean, I watch a lot of vampire movies, so."

"(OMFG) I mean, OMG, is this why the guys clam up around you, Dookie?"

"LOL, oh no, I've never been in a zone around the guys, but then again, I never bought a pair of train engineer grey and white striped shorts before either. Which has nothing to do with a bad ass Tiki mixer, but they match the undies, so."

"Um, I need to get back at it with these scrap car parts then. And maybe a few paper napkins."

Oh, don't get too excited folks. I do have a zone, but I really don't have many opportunities to not only get into my zone, but then hang out in my zone, so.

Besides, I am not a grass skirt and sea shell top cross dresser! Well, I don't have the nerve for that anyways just yet and the striped shorts seemed to be made for my thighs and they had the best rolled cuffs, so.

"Um, Dookie, I think that I have just about all of the metal parts loaded up into the back of my truck that the scrappers will take, so?"

"I know that you said you would straighten up the rest, but I think that Billy is hoping that you don't so that he has a reason to come over, but I still stand with my statement that I'm not dating Billy, so."

"I mean, I mean, it feels like I have a spider bite on my lips then, Dookie."

[Mwah, ummah, mwah]

"Well, I guess I know what a real boner feels like now, Hank."

So, when two people get up close and personal, I mean, the arm wrap thing around a neck is just natural, right? I mean, I didn't even know that I did that, but there I was, hanging on Hank.

[Mwah, ummah, mwah]

"I mean, Dookie, I mean, I mean, what if a spider found it's way towards my belt buckle and all?"

[Mwah, ummah, mwah]

"Sorry, Hank, but that would be just a little much for me, so?????"

Well, what the hell, right? I mean, there should be a list of what things to do when the moment gets awkward, right? Oh, and that list doesn't necessarily have to start with who started things, so.

"Damn it, Hank, hold still a little, will you? I've never stroked off anyone else before, so."

[Whack, fap, whack, fap, fap, awkward, how does this work, fap, whack]

"Oh, oh, Dookie, how am I supposed to hold still then? I mean, I mean, oh, Dookie, your hand feels so much better than mine, so, hah, hah, ha, ha, ah, ah, ooh."

[Stupid angles, fap, fap, whoa, whoa, his veins are popping, ah, ah, fap, fap, fap, whack]

"Oh, oh, Dookie, Dookie, do me on your belly, Dookie, oh, oh, OMG, aim it Dookie."

[Aiming is not on the list, fap, fap, whack, whack, fap, why am I aiming it, fap, whack, at my face, fap]

"Oh, Dookie, it's a misprint on the list, Dookie, it's a misprint, ooh, oh, ahh, ahh, Dookie, milk it, ahh."

[Gag, cough, spit, spit, spit, ewe, ewe, spit, spit, spit, cough, stupid fricking list, spit]

"Ahh, ahh and nope, guys don't care at all that you spit it out, ahh."

"(Gag) just as long as you pop a nut then, Hank?"

"Ahh, best scraping job ever! Well, I mean except for Mrs. Greene who swallowed big time, but ahh, just the same, Dookie."

Well, that was gross for sure! I mean, I had tasted myself before so I kind of knew about that, but what the hell was with the high-pressure fire hose and all? I mean, I release, but not like that!

End Dookie 01