All Comments on 'Down the Hall'

Great story line so far can’t wait more parts

too many continuity flaws for me

I fucking LOVE this story! I'd have given anything to get to share a bedroom with my stepsister growing up in Texas. I was 3 days older than her. Our parents got married when we were 12. When I was 5-6 yrs old, I thought she would be my girlfriend and eventually my wife. I was that much in love with her. If your story is true, you are one lucky man.

I fucking LOVE this story! I'd have given anything to get to share a bedroom with my stepsister growing up in Texas. I was 3 days older than her. Our parents got married when we were 12. When I was 5-6 yrs old, I thought she would be my girlfriend and eventually my wife. I was that much in love with her. If your story is true, you are one lucky man.

Dad probably smelled the 'sex in the air' and figured Dan was doing OK !

I don't think you're old enough to be writing "stories" here.

I'd love constructive feed back!

An interesting concept for a story. You are off to a good start, but you need to practice becoming more descriptive with your nouns. You remember nouns (person’s place’s and things – like especially the (genitalia) or the "good things!!"). For example, your statement about “She had beautiful small tits,” is a really good start. However, the statement about “she replied with videos of her fingering herself with her pajamas pulled down,” Well, “videos” (plural, is more than one video) yet, you did not take time to offer any description of her pussy or the hand that was fingering it. Did she have huge pussy lips, small ones, did they glisten in the light? Was her clit small, average, or huge (ERECT and completely out from under its hood?) Was her pussy covered in a dense and abundantly thick layer of dark pubic hair, was it an untrimmed full bush, was it trimmed neatly, trimmed to a triangle, trimmed close, or was it a shaved pussy. Was her hand (you said fingering) moving furiously about over her clit / mound area. Were her fingers inside of her pussy, did her fingers glisten with her juices, did she taste of herself on her fingers. With the Pajamas pulled down fingering, what would you describe if you watched the videos non stop for five full minutes. Was she standing or laying down while fingering. If she was on her back were her hips arched upward and feet and toes arched forward? Was she possibly standing up while fingering?Did she get off, did she squirt she she got off, taste of herself when she finished? You are doing great. try and add some more descriptive statements / details to your existing work. Gave you a rating of 4.

Hi EveryDeinal,

I am hopeful my feedback was / is viewed by you as being constrictive. It is not intended to be criticism. However, it may seem to come out like that because I am often rushed. My comment began with "An interesting concept for a story, and you are off to a good start.”

I thought your introductory tactics were clever because they are quite a bit different from many of the usual introductions. For example, look at this somewhat commonly used inciting incident. “I noticed my ____s bedroom door was ajar as I walked past on my way to the bathroom / kitchen. I also knew in that billionth of a split second my life would be forever changing, because I had just seen my ____ standing in front of (her - his) TV completely naked. It would be wrong, so very wrong for me to take another fast and stealthy look, wrong to voyeur my own ___. But having already seen (her thick erect nipples and upturned tits that jutted outward and upward and the dark patch of pubic hair on her mound,) or (his thick erect cock that pointed outward and upward arising from his dense man bush), illuminated by the mix of grey, white light coming from the TV, because (she he) was watching vintage black and white porn, I decided to look prolonged at my ____ as (she he) began to ____.

As I stood there with my own sexy bare feet planted on the cold hardwood floor, I realized nothing short my ____ catching me watching (her him) could make me stop.”

Even though you are off to a good start. Look briefly at my use descriptions and at what some of the descriptions I used may suggest to a reader. Also, (excuse all the commas, I am rushed as usual.)

Without having said it, the reader already knows I obviously live in a house with another person. Also, the person is “my _____” suggesting a family member.

Most likely, the person being voyeured / ogled may be the voyeur’s parent. This is not stated. However, the vintage black and white porn video producing a grey-white light instead of more digital age blue light, (possibly because it may be a VHS tape and not a DVD or order up online vid), may suggest it’s an older person – parent, aunt, uncle, or older sibling in the room. Yet, as the author, I have not specifically said that (not at all) in the writing.

Constructive comment, become more descriptive. Look for / search for some YouTube creative or fiction writing video’s about “How to SHOW and not TELL.” That is kind of what I tried to do just now. I tried to produce an image for you (show you) without saying it. I hope I did.

Also, as an author you can drop tiny hints about characters. Did you notice how I did that for this character. Recall the statement “I stood there with my own sexy bare feet planted on the cold hardwood floor.” What might the statement “my own sexy bare feet” suggest to a reader about the character who is doing the voyeuring. Possibly the character may have an attraction to feet, possibly a fetish for feet including their own feet. Notice I have called the character a voyeur or associated that term with them so many times you will likely automatically infer they are a voyeur. Did you also notice I have not even indicated if the character is male or female. But likely you had the image of someone you already know (a voyeur, {her or him} who may like feet) in mind? Anyway, I would like to end with I certainly do think you are old enough to be writing on this site. Keep at it.