Dungeons and Dicks Ch. 01

Frenoria agreed to let Shanora examine the bikini. I handed another sheet of paper to Tess. I used papers like this for objects whose properties were not obvious except to specific people. That way, players could choose what to reveal about what they knew. They could also lie. Tess decided not to lie.

Tess read it once to herself, then read it out loud. "Armor of Elemental Protection. Eight points of protection, automatic, against all elemental attacks. Wearer never gets cold or hot from the weather."

"Yeah," Geri said. "I'm definitely not selling this thing." She sighed. "I guess I'll wear it." That got a wolf whistle from Mark, and a quieter one from Craig. I just grinned in triumph.

"Frenoria tugs her old, beat up chainmail off over her head, and pulls the bikini on over her padded under layer," Geri said, smirking at me.

"Sorry," I said, ready for this one. "But it is magical chainmail, powered by your body's own energies. It won't work unless worn against the skin. Gotta wear it right, if you want it to work." I had made sure that it was really good armor. There was no way she could refuse it... I hoped.

"Oh for fuck's sake!,"grumbled Geri. "How is this even supposed to work? A bikini can't protect... just about anything." I was confident now that she wasn't really mad, just performing. In a way, she was engaging in a secondary role-play as an indignant, twenty-first century woman.

The only worry I really had by this point was Mark. I was smiling at Geri, as was most everyone else, but I was watching Mark out of the corner of my eye. When would he draw the line at my tease/flirt/torture with Geri? I wanted to back off before he drew that line... if he was going to.

Mark was relaxing back casually in his chair next to Geri, while somehow simultaneously giving the impression of leaning in eagerly. His grin told me that he was enjoying his lovely wife being in the spotlight. Maybe I wasn't going to have to draw any lines beyond whatever Geri's hard stop ended up being. He spoke casually, "Come on, babe. RPGs were written by and for lonely nerds."

"John isn't lonely," put in Tess, giving me the very gratifying eye. I leered right back at my wife.

"It's in the rules," I said, as if defensively, to Geri. "Chainmail bikini armor works just like any other."

"That is not in the fucking rules!" exclaimed Geri, Tess, and Anne, in virtual unison.

I could have just said, 'My dungeon, my rules,' of course. But I wanted to sell this. It felt like the more legitimate I made this ridiculous plot device, the farther I could push it. And I was increasingly curious how far I could push it. In my mind, earlier in the week, this was supposed to be a five minute, sexy little diversion. Everyone's response so far had me pushing it into a centerpiece of the evening.

"Look," I said seriously, just the way I had countless times before when the players wanted to argue with me about some point of logic or rules, "it's in the notes on guiding player character creation in the game master's guide." I knew none of them had read that volume. I hoped none of them had, at least. "It says, 'It is important to allow great latitude in creative costume design. Armor and equipment should be allowed to be described in whatever manner advances the story without inflicting a performance penalty on the player.'"

They all stared at me for a moment. I half expected to hear a demand to see the passage.

"Told you it was written by lonely nerds," laughed Mark.

"It might as well have instructed that all female characters should just have their boobs hanging out," snarked Tess, throwing up her hands. "'Go ahead,' the rulebook says, 'put cleavage in a fucking breastplate, no penalty!'," her voice warbled sarcastically.

"Sounds good to me," laughed Craig.

"You are the one that told me her sorceress walks around in robes cut open down to her navel," I reminded Tess.

"I told you that," Tess snapped, but with no heat. "I didn't tell them!" she added, indicating our friends.

"We'd all see that display anyway," chirped Anne.

"Your characters would," said Tess smugly, "if they had looked. They haven't."

"Sir Tyrian gives Shanora's robes a careful examination," Craig said instantly.

Tess bristled for show, but before she could react further, I snapped. "Roll a Perception check, plus 15 for routine conditions." Craig grinned and rolled a 15. "That's 30 total," I laughed. "Critical Success!"

"What does a Critical Success mean when all he's doing is just ogling my... Shanora's boobs?"

"He catches a nip slip?" suggested Mark.

"You wish," Tess growled.

"Yes, I do..." muttered Craig.

"You said that out loud, dear," Anne stage whispered.

Craig blanched a little. He really hadn't meant to be heard! Everyone was getting caught up in this little bout of dirty talk. The stirring in my pants promised some very good sex later, when we got home.

"The Critical Success means that Tess needs to do a Presentation on how Shanora's costume looks, especially the cleavage," I said. 'Presentations' were a tradition of ours that we sometimes had when a new character, or a new look for an existing character came into play. The player would stand and describe their new look. As DM, I did a ton of mini-Presentations for non-player characters and monsters, but never nearly as elaborate as what the players sometimes concocted.

"I am not going to stand up and describe my tits to Craig," Tess snorted.

"Shanora's tits," I corrected her pedantically. "All right then, I'll do it for you," I declared, and shifted back to my 'epic narrator' voice. "Shanora, as always, wears her deceptively simple black robes. The fabric is soft, but thick and protective. Scores of small hidden pockets and pouches are sewn into its folds for the ingredients and tools of her Craft. It is belted with thick, white cords, three in number, which accentuate her alluringly sleek waist." Tess was staring at me. I may have been adding some new details of my own imagining, and I hoped that she liked them. "She always wears the robe quite fetchingly open, the lapels running almost parallel and wide apart downward from her enticing neck, until finally sweeping together at her navel. The rich inner curvature of her large, firm, smooth, motherly charms are clearly..."

"All right, buster," Tess interrupted. "I guess I had better do this after all." She slid smoothly to her feet from her chair. I was inflicting some Bonus Embarrassment! This was going so much better than I had hoped. Anne was being silly, Craig was letting slip embarrassing utterances, and my wife... Tess seemed prepared to make an ass out of herself. Could I hope that she'd make a sexy ass out of herself?

My luck this evening was strong. My wife does not really go in for cleavage in how she dresses, despite being generously equipped for it, but she had chosen that night to wear a stretchy knit wraparound blouse that at least suggested a plunging neckline. She stood and stroked her hands down the crossing lapels of her top, actually tugging them a bit as her hands slid along them. The neckline still revealed no actual skin, only suggesting it. She turned away from me toward the others, especially Craig and Mark, while shooting me a defiant smirk over her shoulder.

In Shanora's arrogant tones, Tess said, "My breasts are verily quite sleek, and I do indeed leave their inner slopes and the valley between exposed. But I do this not to expose them to the childish gaze of immature louts," she added sternly, shooting me a stormy look over her shoulder. "I do so because it is important to not impede the flow of magical energies to and from the core of my power, which rests between them in my chest." Her hand stroked up and down between her breasts as she said all that, and I could see the guys' eyes following her fingers almost involuntarily. Interestingly, Geri and Anne were almost equally attentive.

I am personally always quite interested when Tess touches her boobs, but I found to my surprise that right then I was more fascinated by the fact that the others were so intently interested, and mostly in the same way as I...

Then Tess narrowed her eyes at Mark. "But there will be no, what was your crude phrase, you miserable cutpurse? 'Nip slips'?" she declared. "My eldritch powers, in a combination of concealing and mending energies, imbue the robe with the power to remain firmly in place! I can lean back... or all the way forward at the waist. I can lean... or twist to the left... or the right..." she went on, performing those exact motions as she spoke. Every eye in the room was on her. 'I could even shake them back and forth or up and down..." Word and action were still gloriously one.

She straightened, and ran a hand down between her boobs once more. "And with all that, no prying, impertinent eyes, regardless of any Perception Checks, will be seeing so much as a hint of incidental aureole!"

With that, she sat down. The smug was strong in her. The hardness was strong in my pants. Gaze on that perfection and despair, my dudes. She is mine. We exchanged a look of promise for 'Later'. Watching her tease them, especially the guys, was turning out to be a major turn-on, and this wasn't even what I had planned!

Almost as good as my suddenly ramped up prospects for 'Later', Geri was actually irritated that my wife had stolen her spotlight! "All right, all right," she grumbled into the momentary silence, demanding everyone's attention once more. She looked at me. "You are telling me that Frenoria has to strip down completely to wear this armor?" Her voice was pleading, but I wasn't quite sure what she was pleading for.

"Yep," I said with a shit-eating grin. Everybody leaned in to hear what she had to say.

"Frenoria is not getting naked in front of the fucking party," Geri said, sticking her tongue out at her husband. "Wait here a moment, and she'll slip off to change."

"Bullshit," said Anne. Everybody looked at her. "You are telling us that your character is going off alone... to get naked... in a fucking dungeon?"

Geri paused at that.

"And this smart-assed dungeon in particular?" Tess added. "Not only will you definitely die, but in this dungeon, you will die in some ridiculous, corn-pone excuse for a joke that this juvenile thinks is funny." She punched me in the shoulder.

"We'd find your body naked and spread-eagled inside of one of his damned Gelatinous Cubes or some shit," Anne piled on. Things were snowballing now and it was glorious. With Anne and even Tess piling on, I needed to do nothing to keep ratcheting up the embarrassment for Geri.

Geri seemed a little non-plussed that the other girls were the ones to make her miserable at the moment. But, she had wanted to regain the spotlight...

"Fine!" she snapped. "Frenoria will strip down in the very center of the party then." Mark gave a little cheer and she elbowed him briefly before leaning over the table to their miniatures. She moved her little statue to the center, and arranged the other four in a square around hers... then she ostentatiously turned each one to face outward and away from her.

"No peeking," she said sternly to the others.

"Sir Tyrian peeks," laughed Craig instantly. He clearly loved this whole thing as much as I did.

Geri glared at him with a smile, but before she could respond, I quickly asked, "Who all peeks?"

Craig of course shot his hand up in the air. Mark's hand went up just as fast. I laughed when Anne's hand went up a heartbeat later. Geri laughed at her too.

Then everyone turned and looked at Tess.

"Well, thank you," Geri told her. "At least someone has a little honor..." She cut herself off up as Tess raised her hand as well, slowly and with an evil grin.

"I can't have you turning toward me and using that to claim you don't have to describe your character enough to satisfy these pervs' prurient interests," said Tess with sweetly vicious innocence.

Geri looked at Tess flatly for a moment, then she stared at me. Then she looked back at Tess and said simply, "You asked for it."

"Everybody roll a Stealth Check," I declared, for the hell of it. Everybody rolled well, except Craig, who failed his check spectacularly. "You catch Tyrian peeking," I smirked.

With that, Geri stood, just like we usually had people do for presentations. She paused, taking a deep, nervous breath that stretched the thin white fabric of her teeshirt tightly over her boobs.

Geri was not the size queen that Tess and Anne were, but she could only be thought of as small-breasted if you compared her to them. I had always felt that Mark had absolutely nothing to complain about. My suspicions about Geri being braless that evening were clearly sound. Her nipples were so hard at that moment, they tented up the thin cotton half an inch. Better, she must have really dark aureoles, because their outlines were well and truly visible through the stretched fabric.

The shirt almost immediately loosened as she breathed out, but she had everyone's full attention now. She sure as hell had mine!

"Fine," she grumbled, still pretending to be put upon. "Frenoria shrugs off her cape and bends to unbuckle the straps around her thighs and knees that keep her chain trousers from flopping when she moves."

"Won't need those any more," quipped Mark. I wanted him to shut up and stop interrupting his wife's flow. Geri looked like she was ready to get into this.

"After she kicks off her boots, she loosens her belt and lets the bottom half of her mail fall to the dungeon floor," she began.

"The trousers actually come apart in two when you release the tie-downs," I put in. I didn't want to interrupt, but I also wanted to establish that there was no going back to the old armor.

"The armor was that badly damaged?" Geri asked, in genuine seriousness.

"It was a nasty baby dragon," I shrugged. "I told you before that you heard the armor tear."

"I kick the useless old mail aside," she said, shrugging. Then she paused, taking a deep breath to get back into her train of thought. I was enthused to see that my interruption had not completely derailed her intent to play along. I was much more enthused as she took another of those deep breaths... She threw her shoulders back as she did so, enhancing the effect. It had to be intentional.

"As Frenoria shrugs the short-sleeved mail shirt off over her head, it is clear that her shoulders are just as strong and well-defined, while still sleek and feminine, as her well-tanned arms. She looks down and tugs for a moment on the thin, soft, white shift that she wears underneath to protect her more delicate parts, then she unties the neckline and lets the fabric slip off her shoulders and down, down her body to the floor," purred Geri, really hamming it up by the end of that bit. No one's character was terribly close to their real-life appearance, as was well-illustrated here in the contrast between Frenoria's muscular, sculpted form and Geri's real-life dryad-like slenderness. "Her bare waist is not thin, but strong, befitting the core strength springing from the hard life of a ranger. Her belly curves inward ever so slightly, its smooth expanse stretched taut over barely perceptible muscles." Geri actually ran her hands over her various body parts as she spoke.

Everybody was leaning forward by now, and you could feel the tension, especially as Geri stopped talking to further caress herself.

"Get to the good stuff," Anne growled lightly. "You are killing my husband over here."

Mark and I were dying too, of course. And I wasn't sure that the other ladies weren't also dying right along with us.

Geri smiled, going on as if never interrupted. "Frenoria's breasts are quite something. Sized to overflow her own substantial hands, they sport the tiniest, most delicate of nipples, encircled by dark bronze oblongs."

Geri ran the back of her fingers over her breasts as she spoke, then pinched her nipples through the tee lightly! She actually pinched her nipples, right in front of all of us. I cannot emphasize this fact enough. She pinched them, and you could easily see how hard they were.

Am I conveying how crazily well my little plot was succeeding?

"While the subtly strong musculature of her limbs speaks to her father's human heritage," Geri went on, "her mother's elven form shows itself in the buoyant nature of her feminine charms, which, despite their large size, hold their round shape against gravity's clutches, completely unsupported. Indeed, they practically dance weightlessly as she breathes."

I had to shift in my chair. Craig was biting his lip. Mark was achieving new levels of smugness, while simultaneously appearing a little amazed at his wife's performance.

"Frenoria tugs at her last garment, the simple white breech clout that encircles her below the waist, letting it fall away to uncover her full nakedness," Geri continued to intone in her fantasy-narrator tone and vocabulary. "The locks below her waist match the elven blonde atop her head, highlights of gold appearing in the flickering torchlight." She smiled puckishly, as a thought struck her. "Her pubes are rich, full, and un-shaven or trimmed. The tiny curls of her elven hair grow in a broad triangle pointing downward to a soft thicket between..." Realizing that she had gotten out over her toes a bit, Geri halted her description, blushing as all she had just done and said seemed to fully register. Mark laughed for some reason.

For us, for me certainly, it was as if we had been riding happily along and jerked to a halt over a steep slope. We were hanging...

Trust Craig, who was easily the guy among us most ready to take a risk in this little... whatever this was, to speak first. "So... is that thicket wet?" he breathed.

Anne looked at him, wide-eyed. But she didn't hit him, which surprised the fuck out of me.

Geri just laughed derisively, instantly regaining her equilibrium and her smile. "Is Frenoria wet?" she sneered at Craig. " She is standing buck-ass nekkid in a fucking dungeon. There is a corpse of a goddamned baby dragon right near by," she said, pointing to the plastic dinosaur that I had used as a miniature representation of the dragon. It was lying on its side near the circle of the players' miniatures. "One that is probably already starting to smell," she went on. "Sir Tyrian is over there perving on me... on Frenoria I mean." She took a theatrically sobbing breath at Tyrian's betrayal. "The only thing," she finished with loud and dramatic tones, "the only thing that makes her life bearable right now is that her other friends and party-mates at least are respecting her privacy!"

Everybody laughed. "Geri wins the role-playing award tonight!" exclaimed Tess with a laugh.

"It means the world to me that the rest of you respected my modesty like that," Geri declared in a voice dripping with sincerity.

"And with that, I slip into the new bikini armor," she added firmly.

"Even without its magical properties, the armor would fit Frenoria exceedingly well," I went on smoothly, hoping that my suddenly businesslike demeanor would add a little surreality to it all. "In addition, there are small, sturdy, adjusting straps and buckles that improve the fit further. And since it is magical, the fit goes from excellent to perfect."

"Sir Tyrian examines the fully outfitted Frenoria closely," Craig instantly said. Anne just laughed.

"Oh no," Geri said quellingly. "You've had enough jollies, Mister! I'm not making a fool out of myself twice in one night, thank you."

Craig, to his credit, immediately backed down respectfully and unsurprisingly. So did the rest of us. I think we were all a tiny bit relieved to see that this new, crazy attitude could easily be turned off whenever someone asked for it to be. But Craig did make a show of pouting appreciatively, just a little.