Dungeons and Dicks Ch. 03

Martin blew out a breath.

"And third," I told him earnestly. "I will not tell Tess what you suggested," I was lying through my teeth about that. Tess was going to bust a gut. I'd never deny my wife such a laugh, any more than I would fail to inform her of something so significant about our new buddies.

We went back to our wine and to safer subjects. I definitely tried to check out Penny a little less. Tried.

In about fifteen minutes, we followed the wives back inside, where they set about looking for a gardening book Penny wanted to lend to Tess among the cardboard moving boxes that still nearly filled their second bedroom. The third box did not reveal the gardening book, but Tess suddenly shouted, "Hey!" and reached in, withdrawing a copy of the Dungeons & Dragons Player's Handbook, version 3.5. "You guys know D&D?" she asked in surprise. Suffice to say, Martin and Penny did not come across as fantasy nerds on the surface any more than Tess or I.

"You've heard of it?" Martin answered.

"We play every week," Tess replied before thinking better of that revelation. "Um, it's why we are never available on Saturdays."

"Sweet," Penny exclaimed. Then she paused. "I mean, um, Martin and I played with a regular group twice a month back in LA. I don't suppose you have room in your group, do you?" She looked almost scared the moment she spoke. I almost snorted to myself. Penny was possibly more dismayed at herself for asking for an than Martin had been after his little pass.

Had Penny known he was going to bring the subject of swinging up with me? I was betting yes, if maybe not aware of his timing.

Tess looked at me, almost trapped. I looked back blankly, but with a chuckle in my soul. "Oh guys..." Tess said, now casting me a nasty look because I was putting this on her to respond. "We have a pretty tight-knit group that has been playing together for years, um..."

"Say no more," Martin put in easily. "We know how hard it is to bring in new blood. I've given the 'there really isn't room' speech myself, twice," he added, reassuringly. He and Penny traded shrugs. "But we'll be friends regardless, I hope," he said, shooting me a quick glance, "and if anyone moves away or gets run over by a bus, we'd love to fill the void."

"Great," Penny grumped. "Now if one of their friends dies under mysterious circumstances, we will be the prime suspects."

The rest of the bottle was drunk in easy conversation about other subjects.

I drove us carefully home. We should have UBERed, but we were close, and... well... On the way, Tess moaned about letting slip we had a D&D game going. "I hope I didn't hurt their feelings too much. Dammit, it is so cool that they play D&D, and I can only imagine how we'd feel if we moved somewhere new and had no one to play with," she babbled guiltily. "But it really is impossible. I mean, it is always so awkward for any established group to bring in new players. And as for us..." she finished, with almost fey amusement.

I drove in silence for a moment. "Oh, I think they might manage to fit in better than you might think."

"Ha. Ha. Ha," Tess said snarkily. "Yes, they are both good-looking. Yes, you and I caught each other checking out their respective asses." I had not, in fact, caught her checking out Martin's backside. But the revelation didn't surprise me. "But that is not the same thing as..."

"All I'm saying," I said, lazily overriding her again, "is that Martin's tongue got a little loosened by all the wine and he let slip that he and Penny, separate from wanting to be friends, have an interest in him fucking you while I did the same to her."

"What?"

"Not in so many words at first, but he was pretty direct once he let it slip and I cross-examined him. They have some experience with The Lifestyle."

Look at me, throwing around a new phrase like I've always known it.

"Wow. What did you say?" Tess asked me, concern in her voice.

"I told him in, quite truthfully, and in these exact words, 'We just are not swingers'."

She looked at me.

"We don't swing. We LARP," I said definitively. She nodded at that. The distinction was important to all of us in our group.

"And then I go and haul out that Player's Manual," laughed Tess. "You must have been busting a gut!"

"I think I drew blood, biting my lip," I admitted. "I wanted to say something so bad. But I knew if I'd said what I wanted to, 'Martin, buddy, Tess and I truly aren't swingers, but we do participate in a Cosplay Sex-LARP D&D variant campaign', it would have given him a coronary."

Tess laughed, then fell silent as we drove. I waited. She was thinking about Martin and Penny. And Martin...

"It might be worth exploring, but I just don't see how it could..."

"I have an idea," I said.

*

The next morning, after Tess and I ensured that we were on the same page when sober, I brought up our big group text thread.

ME: So we have a pair of new friends we met a month ago. Found out last night that they are long-time D&D players

After about a minute, Craig responded.

CRAIG: Did you have to give them the 'We don't really have room in the campaign' and 'It's a very tight-knit group' speeches?

ME: Yes to both.

CRAIG: Anne's with me and says, 'Can you imagine?'

GERI: Exactly.

ME: Actually... I think you guys ought to meet them.

That brought no response for a few minutes.

ANNE: Why?

ME: Mostly because they are cool, and I think you'd like them on general principals.

ME: But also because Tess and I both think that they are probably pretty good D&D players.

GERI: John, are you high?

ME: I wish. No good pot since Colorado.

ME: I just believe that they might fit in with us better than you might think... given that they already propositioned Tess and me, independent of the D&D issue.

GERI: WHAT!?!?

ANNE: [Shocked Face Emoji][Shocked Face Emoji][Shocked Face Emoji][Shocked Face Emoji][Shocked Face Emoji] (She must have opened her own phone)

CRAIG: No shit! What did you say?

ME: That we aren't swingers.

The LOLs and emojis were strong in response to that.

CRAIG: True though.

ME: Exactly.

GERI: It would be cruel to suggest it and then find out that some of us don't like them as much as you.

ME: That is my thought. Here's my plan. Like I said, I think you all ought to meet them regardless of the D&D issue. They are cool. This heat wave hits Thursday. How about Saturday we take a game break and go to the water park instead? I'll invite them to come. We specifically don't tell them that this is the D&D group. If everyone, absolutely everyone, is actively interested after that, I'll invite them to come the next Saturday.

There was radio silence, just a [typing now] symbol or two appearing and disappearing for a bit.

GERI: I could use a trip to the waterpark, even if it means I have to give up a week of D&D

CRAIG: Aw, that's sweet, Geri. And I'm up for it.

ANNE: Me too.

TESS: Obviously John and I are up for it.

MARK: So let's ask the important question: Are they good looking?

GERI: I guess that means that Mark is a provisional go. He is currently puttering around out in the garage... where he will now be living after that text.

TESS (replying to Mark): Oh my [Wink Emoji]

About half an hour later, the thread revived again.

ANNE: If we invite them to D&D, how will you tell them about the LARP?

ME: *IF* we find them acceptable, I was just going to invite them to come play.

ME: Then, I figure we just let them find out the rest naturally...

MARK: You are as evil outside the dungeon as you are in it.

ME: BWAHAHAHAHA!

ME: [GRUE ANIMATED GIF, PLOTTING]

MARK: Geri, will you PLEASE unlock the garage door?

MARK: Oops. Sorry, wrong thread.

*

The water park had been a brilliant idea, if I do say so myself.

First off, the weather had gotten beastly hot, beastly fast, so the water slides, lazy river, and wave pool had felt great. More importantly, it had turned out to be an ideal scenario for everybody, Tess and I included, to get to know Martin and Penny better. Each couple pretty much stayed together as a pair, shared inner tubes, etc., but the couples as a whole met up and split up pretty organically the entire day, depending on who wanted to ride what slides, or who wanted to soak up some sun.

We might all float a lap around the lazy river together, chatting back and forth as the currents mixed us up; then Martin and Penny and Craig and Anne would head off to The Anaconda while the rest of us went to The Racer for some head-to-head speed. By the end of the day, it had required no effort to give each couple plenty of quality time hanging out with Penny and Martin in one or more of the always too long lines at the park. Everybody got along... as long as we guys stayed away from Martin's perverted and disgusting love for the Dodgers.

And let's face it. All day at the waterpark in bathing suits was a good way for everybody to make sure they were attracted to the two of them. Not to be shallow and get locked out in Geri's garage with Mark, but there was no point is disrupting our good thing if Penny and Martin did not make it worthwhile for everyone.

Since I apparently had already passed muster, I had no doubts that we were all decent enough looking to appeal to Penny and Martin. My recent bout of insecurity aside, as groups of friends go, we are the Ross, Chandler, Joey, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe of D&D players.

And, reassurances also aside, I'm telling you... I'm Ross.

And even before I got a look at them at the waterpark, it was obvious to me that Martin and Penny would fit right in with us, looks-wise. Both had Los Angelenos' obsession with tans, and must have joined a tanning parlor since they moved our way six months ago, as each was still bronzed quite beautifully.

Martin, as I said, had a similar build to me--six feet tall, and with the same basic 'in shape but not buff' level of fitness. The difference, of course, was that he looked like that at forty, not thirty like me. I felt like a Poplar tree next to his Oak... or maybe Redwood, considering his tan.

Mark and I both looked more youthful, more supple the girls might say, than Martin did. He looked more rugged and serene, with his faint creases here and there. Craig, between us all in age, either had the best or worst of both looks, depending on your view. Most days, I'd say he got the best. I'm not sure that he'd agree. Craig is pretty humble, or maybe insecure, about how handsome he is.

Penny just looked fucking great in a bathing suit. Simple as that. Sadly, she was clearly a waterpark veteran, and knew how to select a one-piece suit that would stay in place on all the slides. One piece it may have been, but it still left little to speculation about her generally tasty little figure.

As the afternoon grew late, the heat was not letting go. Martin and Penny were the first to beg off, which was convenient of them. "This old man is not in shape for walking up and down stairs all day in the heat, cool water or no," Martin said when we encouraged them to hang out longer. "I need a shower, a healthy meal," he glowered in the direction of one of the many terrible refreshment options at the park, "and to binge some Game of Thrones." The look he cast Penny's way said he needed something else that he wasn't mentioning out loud. I was more than fine with his reticence to make that sentiment public. Public Discretion: Check off another box for approval.

With handshakes among the guys, and hugs by Penny with all the women, the two of them headed off to their lockers and then home.

"So, what does everybody think?" Craig said with a smile.

"I'd like to hold all opinions until we have all slept on it," I put in quickly. "If anyone has interesting factual observations to share, let's hear them, by all means. But we hardly need to make any decisions right now."

There was general agreement to that plan, and we all grabbed frozen margaritas and hopped into the adult's only lazy river for a float and chat.

"He's a legit nerd," Mark said. "I avoided D&D of course, but we went at it pretty good about Dune and Blade Runner."

"I got that feeling about him, too," Craig added. "Just a heads up, but he'd rather talk Kirk and Spock than Luke and Leia."

"And Penny also knows her stuff," Anne said. "She's the one driving the Game of Thrones thing. They waited to watch it until now because Martin didn't even finish the first book, back before the show even came out. She's forcing him to watch with her now because she has serious Jon Snow Disease."

"Doesn't everyone?" Tess put in, looking dreamily upward.

"And I'll say it for my husband, so he doesn't get in trouble again," said Geri merrily. She had had one more margarita than most of us. "Penny is hot. And Martin is delicious."

"That is an opinion, not an observation, and thus out of bounds" I ruled from the Seat of the Dungeon Master, "but I'll allow you to make it, as it is true."

I had to flip over into the water in self defense when I had frozen tequila slushy poured onto my chest by both Geri and my wife.

*

We all inevitably decided to invite them to come give it a try, and then see what would happen. I don't think there was any way that we would have even considered risking it, had I not already learned that extra bit of extraordinary information about them.

The only real hesitation, one that we went over and over about, was that we really weren't looking for any new blood. We were a tight-knit group of friends, who were more than satisfied, indeed satiated, with what we had in each other. Martin and Penny filled no actual need.

But we all liked them. They were cool, and had most of the same interests we shared, with enough outside ones to make them fresh and interesting. Better yet, they each appeared to be going to be fine friends with several of us individually. Penny and Tess were already plotting ways to fill Martin's and my spare time with gardening projects. Penny, who was a financial advisor, and Geri the insurance salesperson were already plotting co-marketing ideas. Martin had boxed when he was younger, so, unlike Craig or me, he had at least an understanding of competitive fighting and what went into the mindset which Mark clearly enjoyed. Craig just thought Martin was funny as hell. I selfishly was excited to learn in passing from Penny that she had DMed in the past and had enjoyed doing it. I was still happy being The Man for the time being, but I liked the idea of someone else I might be able to fob the duties off on someday.

Clearly, the two of them would be around us all, to one extent or another. It could actually become slightly awkward to exclude them over the long run. And yes... hanging out with them in bathing suits for six hours in the sun had certainly done nothing to discourage anyone about LARPing with them.

ME: Decided then?

TESS: Aye.

GERI: Yep

ANNE: I vote yes

MARK: [Thumbs Up Emoji] [Thumbs Up Emoji]

CRAIG: Thou hast brought us a grand new adventure, sirrah!

I could hear Sir Tyrian's voice in that text...

ME: We will make the invite. Let's hope they are free Saturday.

Tess and I looked at each other as we sat on our couch. There was no reason to delay...

I dialed Martin and put my phone on speaker.

"Hello? John?" came his voice.

"Hey Martin! I've got Tess here on speaker with me," I began. "We had a great time with you guys Saturday."

"Hi Tess," Martin began. "Penny's outside. Yeah, thanks a ton for the invite. You don't know how hard it had been to meet new people who aren't just business associates when you have moved two thousand miles."

"I think we can at least imagine," I chuckled. "Think you can tear Penny from her garden? We'd like to make some future plans."

"Sure. Sounds great" he said. He must have put his hand over the phone because his voice was muffled when we heard him shout, "Honey! Tess and John are on the phone and want to talk to us!" The muffled sound went away. "She's on her way. She was just out there reading a book, not actually working. Work is apparently for me to do later..."

"Hey Tess, John," came Penny's high but just a tiny bit raspy voice. "What's up?"

"Listen," I said. "We have been talking, and if you are still interested, we thought you might like to come give our style of D&D a shot this Saturday."

There was a pause.

"Really?" said Penny excitedly.

"That's a helluvan offer, man," Martin said with warmth in his voice. "We'd totally love to. Like I said, we understand the importance of chemistry in a good, long-term D&D game, so I know we will be probationary, right? But even if we don't make the fit on an ongoing basis, this'll be even more new people to meet. Thank you."

"Sorry," said Tess. "No new people. It's just the six of us from the water park Saturday."

Martin was temporarily quiet.

Penny laughed. "You were auditioning us!" she accused, merrily.

Martin chuckled. "You are certainly better at sounding people out than I am apparently." I could almost hear Penny elbow him on the other side of the call. He must have fessed up to her at some point about his premature 'lifestyle' approach.

"Subtle are the ways of the Dungeon Master," I intoned. "He'll get what he wants every time."

"Oooh, you are the group's DM?" Penny asked.

The conversation went on as we set up logistical details. They already had plans for Saturday, but were flat out insistent on canceling them rather than waiting another week before they joined our group. I felt they were probably anxious that the more time we had, the more likely we would change our minds.

It was on.

*

Later in the week, we Original Six decided to dispense with any cosplay for the week. Geri pitched a small fit about that, but ultimately agreed that if our final test was to be how our noobs handled it when things got weird, having her there in that armor, Tess in her neckline down to her navel, and Anne in the new see-thru ringmail outfit that she had finally completed a few weeks back might give the game away a bit prematurely.

That the idea further pushed back the inevitable day that the women put their feet down collectively and made the guys all cosplay up was just a private little bonus for my own self.

For a woman who looked ready to string me up by my nards when I first inflicted the idea on her character, Geri was thoroughly addicted to wearing that bikini... and to taking it off. It had been fascinating to watch her over the time since our role-playing had taken on this new character. I still didn't know if she had just now revealed it to us, or if she had just discovered for herself her exhibitionist streak.

Mark and Geri were hosting this week, and had invited Martin and Penny, and me and Tess, to come over early so the noobs could roll up characters for the game, and learn in advance the basics of the rule set that we employed, along with (some of) our house modifications. They had invited Craig and Anne to come early as well, but they had shit to do and could not make it until start time.

Tess made sure that we got there first, and I thanked her for getting my ass in gear. Mark and Geri were back dressed in their usual garb from the vanilla ages--black athletic shorts and teeshirts. Geri (the exhibitionist, remember?) could not resist going with a tighter than usual pink Justice League tee, that left extraordinarily little doubt that she was not wearing a bra. Her excitement about how the evening was likely to go, be it success or failure, was evident.

"Damn, girl!" Tess laughed when she saw Geri's bouncing pokies. "I think those qualify as spoilers!"

Geri just smirked and looked back at Tess. "Since when, when you aren't cosplaying, have you ever showed as much cleavage as you are right now, Miss Kettle?" She had a point. (Two of them actually. Har!) Tess was wearing a short pink dress with a wide, deeply-scooped neckline. It certainly displayed my beloved's charms to a wonderful extent.