All Comments on 'Eclipse'

This story was so convoluted and poorly written that it was never really clear what was happening. And you dragged it out for 5 pages. Just awful.

1 star

that bitch was batshit crazy and Mark was a fucking moron for caring about the whore

Rakiura, mate. You have to slow down. What is coming out is best classed as "unfocused" crap. (Following on from your previous Army/SAS rubbish)

For this story you must think about the Point Of View (POV) You start writing as a 3rd party narrator and then continue giving personal background details and deep thoughts FOR BOTH MAIN CHARACTERS that a narrator cannot possibly know. After an intro setting things up, you have to move to ONE POV if you want to describe innermost thoughts. However, you take this 3rd party narrator POV all through the story. That is impossible. It also rushes things along as you describe (narrate) what is happening. Lets not mention the useless tangental stories you dive into along the way. Your previous story had about 50% of mindless, boring, tangent details that ruined the flow of the story itself.

Sadly, you drift into that again in this story. FOCUS. Write from ONE persons' POV at a time. In this you also attempt to write from Jason's POV while continuing also from Christine's PLUS also as a narrator. IT DOES NOT WORK. So, slow down and edit your writing.

I think you're contributing to the wrong site. You should be sending your stuff to Literpsychodrama. 1*

Not the usual ending for an LW story; but very well done. Gave you the 5 that you deserve. Thank you and keep up the good work.

A very good 5* story although a very sad and depressing ending. But it would have been hard for Christina and Mark to ever have had a good marriage, and, so, perhaps the sad ending was the only one possible for Mark to have another life with someone more deserving to be his wife.

- For this story, hard to say better than Lenard Spencer in the previous comment.

- For all of your publications, first of all I admire the courage required to publish, and to accept comments that are not always very kind. Literotica is very hard on the authors, but generally it helps to have a high standard. You won't learn anything from the fans.

Do not be discouraged.

I look forward to part 3 of Verity's in love.

Avoid suicide

good, whores dont deserve happy endings

...time I will ever read another story written by you!

Well, that reading experience was extremely unpleasant.

Carry on writing my man, this was good so church to you bro.

Worst piece os shit I’ve read on this site a decade!

It rambled, went way to long, and while the underlying idea may be good, this just caused me a headache.

Sorry.

It’s a very sad tale and although I don’t feel too sorry for Her, killing the innocent baby was very insensitive.

She obviously didn’t deserve Mark back After all her behaviour, but she clearly had issues from a young age. Personally I’d have preferred an ending where she had the baby, got help for her mental issues and found a man she could raise the baby with, or at least as a single mother.

Not a fan of snuffing the baby just so some can enjoy a satisfying end to a character.

for not polluting the gene pool. She's not just mentally ill, she's a curse on society. Brava Christina! You just saved Mark's life. Although the dumb shit doesn't deserve it.

A very dark and ugly story, but a simplistic and often copied plot: stupid people live fucked up lives. Then you die.

What's to discuss? No obvious plot, no moral, just pain and suffering. Thanks a lot.

And thanks for the effort.

Disturbing.

I suppose there will be readers to take joy in the ending.

Deep mental problems and a very sad ending.

Thanks for the story.

This was one of the darkest, most depressing stories that I’ve read in a long while. You have some obvious talent as a writer, and I give you credit for that. But in reading all your stories, I have yet to find one that I really enjoyed. You’re not writing for me, so keep doing your thing. I hope you find a chance for a more positive outlook in some of your stories.

Story could have been told in 3 pages

I don’t care how the BTB happens as long as it happen! As for you bleeding 🩸 hearts...to bad. Don’t read then. What I hate is getting sucked in to the wimpy husband watch some other guy making him a cuck.

your endings are not very good. Suicide seems to be your preferred way to end the cheating wife's part of the story. I like stories all wrapped up in a bow, and this was not that.

Haa some resemblance to Of Human Bondage.

I like your writing but try not to make all of your future end on such a down note.

She tells him she never loved him and a piece of shit was made for her. His response? No divorce, I will devote my life to waiting for you to reconsider. In what reality are you existing in? And how the hell could the baby be Mark's? He was out of country for months. What are the chances the stupid slit would run into Jason's wife in line the very first time she goes to the prison?

Please take a few more minutes to outline before completing your next project.

Sorry, but this story never got me excited. Your style is more like a bulleted list than a narrative. There is no mood. Everything splashes to itself. What a shame about the time!

This story started out so well, then turned into crap. The ending is inexplicable.

Thank you Rakiura for a well written story, for those across the pond it`s good to read from an author close to home who writes a good story and which actually has an ending. thank you.

Bad ending.

Killing herself and the husbands baby is not good.

I would lke a sequel where she is rescued in the last moment and a happy ending. Sorry, that's my hope.

What started out as a happy future turned into a disparingly sad diatribe. Too convuluted for my tastes. 3 stars barely.

1 star - bad idea - I could not get past the first page and flipped to the comments - end of reading

Mark didn't deserve any of that shit...what a despicable tramp I prefer that she offed herself rather than Mark taking her back which was bound to happen, she dumped so much bullshit on him, she even thought her mom was banging him, what a trollop.

It was a Good read until the ending and that sucked big time! You implied She took Her own life but never said if She did or not? You did not represent just her death but if that be the case you forgot it Killed the baby as well. The ending stunk!

I know you wrote this story for you but you shared it with an audience. For this audience of one it was just dark and sad as many of your stories are. I'm sorry but I can’t read you anymore.

People who write stories like this have to be connected to their stories emotions or mental. You obviously have mental deficiency and please, please,please get help!

Lol! I am perfectly fine Mr Anonymous. More urgently have you considered help yourself!

By way of explanation, Mr Anonymous, your assumption is wrong, the story has absolutely nothing to do with my life whatsoever. It is simply a tragedy inspired by the song, “total eclipse of the heart.” What about the story disturbs you? Is it the mental health of the subject? In a world where hate is being normalised I have written to test the ability to empathise where extreme events occur in male female relationships. By the comments I receive, many readers come up wanting!!