All Comments on 'Effy & the Forbidden Book Ch. 01'

Such a hot fun story idea

The semi-colon swooped over the run-together sentences, the comma strafing wildly, ricocheting off the noun that was to be repeated needlessly and highlighting the misspellings in the turgid, redundant prose. The semi-colon ignored it and set down in the comments section rather than misplace another participial phrase.

The detailed stats make the description of the girl sound like a personal ad; all visual details are overdescribed as though the author were trying to recall a lost piece of film (or direct a porno!) rather than paint a picture for the reader's imagination; the deluge from the girl's nethers extinguishes the flame of one's ardor (perhaps in the next chapter a schoolmate will be instructed to build an ark before it's too late?); the first interaction she has, besides with Thing's genital cousin, makes her instantly unlikable; "it's" for "its" and "busy body" for "busybody" can be forgiven, but "clitorus" is the sin against the Holy Ghost.

The repeated typos are distracting. If you just run a spellcheck and separate stone of the run-on sentences, the good aspects of the story will be a lot more enjoyable.

I'm picturing Effy Stonem from Skins as I wank. Hope I'm doing it right.