Eighteen Ch. 17

"Jesse," Dad says, "you know that we love both of you. Yes, it'll be hard to see Tom go out with someone else, but it's going to happen sooner or later, and it'll be easier for us to see him go out with you rather than someone else."

I look up at Dad, and my breath hitches. "Really?"

Mom hugs me tight and tenderly kisses my cheek. "Really," she says.

"So, it won't be weird then?" I ask.

"I didn't say that," Dad says, "but we'll support you in this. I have no idea how to get Tom to say yes, but if you want to try, you have our blessing."

Tuesday, May 24^th

Tom

The Senior Prom is coming up, and I don't want to go. Mark said he asked Jesse, and she told him she wasn't interested in going to the dance. Jesse and I sit at lunch with Nicole and Clark, arguing with them that we don't want to go to the dance. Eventually, Nicole wins out and talks us into it. Something about this being a once-in-a-lifetime chance and that we'll always regret not going. I give up and tell Nicole that I don't know who to ask, but she tells me not to worry about it, that if I don't ask someone, I'll get invited to go. Just give it until Friday.

Jesse thinks about going back to Mark to see if he asked someone else, but she hasn't gone on a date with him since Christina died and feels awkward about going with him.

Friday, May 27^th

I have the night off with nothing to do, so I go over to Jesse's to hang out with her. We decide to watch a movie, and Jesse stretches out on the couch, on her side, with her head in my lap. The subject of prom dates comes up again.

"I just don't know who to ask. In fact, there isn't anyone I really want to go with," I tell her.

"Don't worry, I don't have a date either, so we're in the same boat."

"What about Mark?"

"He already asked someone else. Besides, I'm not interested in going out with him anymore."

There are a few moments of silence, and then she says, "I have an idea, but it's kinda out there."

"Let's hear it. It can't hurt."

"Let's go together, you and me."

I look down at her, and she's serious. "You want to go with me?"

"What, you find me too offensive to go to a dance with?"

"Are you kidding?" I ask. "You're the most beautiful girl in the school. But you're like my sister, and I didn't even think about going with you. Why would you waste your time going with me anyway?"

"Waste my time?" she asks. "I know six girls that are waiting for you to ask them to prom."

"No way."

"Way," she says. "Each of them asked me if you're going with someone, and I told them no."

"I don't know...I'm just not ready to ask anyone out, not even to prom."

"I know. That's why I thought it might work if we went together."

Bob and Eileen walk into the room to find out what all the brabble's about, and Jesse tells them her idea, and they both smile.

"You find this amusing, Bob?" I ask.

"What? You don't want to take my daughter to the prom?"

That set me back. I've never heard him refer to Jesse as his daughter before, though I know they both feel that way about her.

I stutter, "It's not that I don't want to. I just think it might be weird, that's all."

"I can't think of a better guy we'd rather have our daughter go with," Eileen says.

"Wouldn't that be like a brother and sister going together?" I ask.

"You can look at it that way, or you can look at it as two people who have a lot in common going together to have a good time," Bob says.

Have a good time? I don't know if I'm ready to go out and have a good time. I give a deep sigh. I'm being ganged up on and don't realize it until it's too late. It's not that I don't like being with Jesse. In fact, it's quite the opposite. When I'm with her, things are simple. We connect on many different levels, and while we don't always agree with each other, our discussions are always comfortable. I think back to when Jesse and I have done things together. Even when Christina was with us, we had fun together, whether at the movies, bowling, or just going somewhere to get something to eat.

"Okay, let's do it," I say in a resigned voice.

"Hey! I'm no mercy date!" Jesse argues. "You're in, or you're out. If you're out, you can take your chances with one of those six girls."

"NO!" I say, "I'm in." I get on one knee, jokingly, and say, "Jennifer Taylor, will you go to prom with me."

She squints her eyes at me and responds, "Why yes, Tom Griffin, yes, I will."

She throws her arms around my neck and gives me a kiss on the cheek, which sets me back, because I'm not ready for it, but instead of making it a big deal, I take it in stride.

Bob stands up, walks over, and shakes my hand. "Good man. I knew you'd come through."

Saturday, June 11^th

It was a struggle to get a tux rented on such short notice, but Jesse wasn't all that picky about the colors, so I was able to find one last week.

Tonight is prom, and I stand at the Taylor's door with a knot in my stomach. I don't know why. I just know it's there. When I knock, Bob answers with a questioning look as he lets me in.

"Why'd you knock?"

"Because I'm here to pick up my prom date and thought it appropriate."

He nods and compliments me on how I look. A vision rolls through my head of the last time I stood here in a tux, and I shiver. I try not to be emotional about it, but, as often is the case, when I think of Christina, there's a longing in my soul that tears at me.

Jesse steps to the top of the landing and walks down the stairs elegantly. The last time I saw her before a dance, she was kind of clumsy in heels, but not now. She glides down without hesitation. Her hair is pinned up with a few thin tendrils cascading around her bare neck. She has on a mint green gown that comes to the floor with a slit to her knees. Her heels are emerald green, like her eyes, and compliment the pendant that hangs around her neck. She's wearing drop earrings that are long and elegant. Everything about her is exquisite and beautiful. She walks to me, and I put her corsage on her right wrist. Eileen is busy taking pictures the whole time.

"Tom," Jesse says, "I wondered...if you'd mind...if I wore this...?"

She opens her hand to reveal the tennis bracelet I gave Christina on Valentine's Day, and my breath leaves me. I haven't seen it since the last day I saw Christina. She was sitting at the lunch table when I held her in my arms and kissed her, telling her I would miss her. I miss her so much! Tears well up in my eyes, and my soul quivers.

"It would be like a part of Christina coming with us," Jesse says. "She loved this bracelet and never took it off." Then, taking my hand, she sets it in my palm.

"It doesn't go with anything that you're wearing," I say.

"I know. I don't care," Jesse says.

I look in my hand and fight back the tears forming in the corners of my eyes.

"Tom, we feel that you should have the bracelet," Eileen says. "It does no good sitting in Christina's jewelry box, and it would mean more to everyone if you had it."

I look at it again, feeling its weight against my skin. A tear runs down my cheek and hangs precariously from my jaw, so I wipe it away with the back of my hand. I would be embarrassed in front of anyone else, but because we've shared so many tears, they understand what I'm feeling.

"Thank you," I say. "I think Christina would want that too."

I take Jesse's hand and clasp the bracelet around her left wrist. It looks beautiful on her. Bob tosses me the keys to his new car and tells me to drive it to the dance.

We have dinner at a nearby restaurant and then go to the school gymnasium, where the dance is. I walk around to the passenger side of the car and open the door, and Jesse holds her hand up so I can help her out. She stands, puts her hand on the back of my neck, and gives me a kiss on the cheek. She's beautiful. Jesse insists on holding hands as we walk into the gym, and as we step through the doorway, it's like we're transported into another dimension.

We dance and talk like it's our first time together, yet we are as familiar as if we've known each other our whole lives. Every slow dance is a treat. I love holding her in my arms.

When they play True, it brings back memories of the last time we danced to that song, and I tighten my hold around her waist. She looks up at me with pleading eyes, and I want to put my lips to hers but don't dare. The band follows that song with Open Arms by Journey, and our slow dance becomes emotional.

Jesse's eyes get wet as she gazes at me. She puts her arms around my neck and buries her face in my chest as we circle the dance floor. I rest my chin against the side of her head and smell her sweet perfume as it drifts into my nostrils. When she pulls her head away, I look deep into her soul-piercing emerald eyes, and in one motion, she slides her fingers into my hair and pulls my lips to hers. It's a soft kiss, gentle and warm. Our lips linger as the strawberry flavor from her lipstick intoxicates me. She lets go of my head, and I lean back.

"I'm sorry," she says. "I shouldn't have done that."

My feet stutter as I reel in my emotions. Jesse feels warm and inviting, but my thoughts go to Christina. She's not here, but I feel guilty anyway. I look into Jesse's eyes, and I'm drawn to her and torn. The longer our eyes are connected, the more I'm pulled into her, and my guilt dissipates.

"I'm not," I say softly as I slowly lean in and kiss her back. We're more passionate this time, working to find our places in each other's hearts. Our lips part at the same time, and we gaze back into each other's eyes.

"This is going to be complicated," I say.

"I know, but I think it'll be worth it."

The next song the band plays is Baby I'm a Want Ya by Bread. She puts her face back against my chest and clasps her arms around my neck tightly. Wrapping my arms around her waist, I hold her firmly. My guilt returns, but my brain justifies my actions by reminding me that Christina isn't here anymore and I need to move on. My heart follows my mind by telling me that Christina would want this since we can't be together. I already love Jesse, and it wouldn't be a far chasm to cross to develop that love into a romance. I'm already on the bridge; all I have to do is finish crossing over.

It doesn't matter if the music is fast or slow for the rest of the night; we dance the same. Then, finally, we move off to a corner to be somewhat alone as we dance and hold each other. And kiss. The culmination of the night comes when the band plays Can't Fight This Feeling by REO Speedwagon. The way she looks into my soul when we hold each other makes me think of nothing else but her.

Taking Jesse home after the prom, my guilt and sorrow multiply exponentially. I don't understand what's happening to me. When we danced, I felt close to her, extremely close, but when we are apart, I can only think of Christina. It's been a few months since she died, and I still feel the grief of losing her, sometimes to the point where I'll lie in bed and sob. My heart tells me that I've betrayed Christina, but my brain tells me I haven't. I'm confused; what've I done? What was I thinking? I walk Jesse to her door, and she leans in to kiss me, but I stop her by pressing my index finger against her soft lips.

"I can't, Jess, I can't. I don't know what's happening to me. It felt nice when we were dancing, but now, I just can't."

Tears form in Jesse's eyes as she inhales deeply. Her breath catches as she looks down, not saying a word. Unclasping the bracelet from her wrist, she places it in my palm, and I look at it before balling my fist tightly. Pulling Bob's car keys from my pocket, I hand them to her. The sadness in her eyes and on her face breaks my heart. Now it's not just me that's hurting inside. She is too. What have I done?

Jesse opens the door and walks in, not looking back. Watching the door shut reminds me of the time when Christina closed that same door, and it felt like a barrier to me. That same void is in my soul, leaving me lonely. That same barrier is there, but this time protecting me from violating my loyalty towards Christina. There is something else besides the loneliness, heartbreak, and tears...there is relief. I'm confused again. How can I be relieved that Jesse is on the other side of the door, not pressuring me to kiss her? How can I be lonely at the same time? What the fuck is wrong with me?

I get home and drop on my bed without changing. The feelings in my heart swirl around, and I cry. Looking at the plaque on my wall, the tears come harder. I can't believe I kissed Jesse. It felt so right at the moment, but now it feels so wrong. I fall asleep and dream of Christina crying. I reach out to touch her cheeks and wipe away the tears, but she suddenly becomes mad. Her eyes squint to slits, and her face turns red. She wants to say something, but nothing comes out. Then, she returns to crying before turning her back on me and walking away.

Sunday, June 12^th

Morning comes, and I wake with a start, realizing I'm crying again, or is it still? I'm tired and drained. I didn't sleep well with all the tossing, turning, worrying, crying, and the dream of Christina being mad and upset. I stand up and remove my tux. When I turn the pants upside down to straighten the creases, the bracelet falls from the pocket. Leaning over, I tenderly pick it up. Placing it on my dresser, I straighten it before sliding my finger along the blue stones. There are so many memories attached to this small piece of jewelry. Picking it up by each end, I clasp them together before setting it back down on my dresser. Maybe I should just let Jesse have it...if she wants it. What am I going to do with it? It's not like I'm going to give it to another woman. Maybe Eileen should have it. I'm confused...again, and tears begin to fall down my cheeks...again.

I decide to visit Christina's grave to see if that will console me. As I'm walking out the door, the phone rings. It's Jesse.

"I'm sorry about last night, Tom."

"I'm sorry, too, Jesse. I shouldn't have let it go that far."

"Are we still friends?" she asks with a quiver in her voice.

"Jesse, you will always be my friend. Always."

I can hear her sigh on the other end of the line, and tears form in my eyes...again.

"Tom?"

"Yes?"

"Can we see each other today and talk about last night?"

"I'm on my way out the door to return my tux and then go to the cemetery."

"Can I join you?"

"Sure. I'll pick you up in ten minutes."

"See you then."

Hanging up the phone, I grab my tux and shoes before heading out the door. It's a short drive to the Taylor's, and Jesse is standing on the stoop waiting for me. She walks to my car as I pull up.

After returning my tux, we stop by the store to get some flowers and then go to the cemetery. Sitting cross-legged on the ground, we stare at Christina's grave as we talk. It's as if we're waiting for her to chime in. It feels better to share our conversation while sitting beside her graveside, even though we both know she isn't there, only her body is.

"Jesse," I say," it's just too soon for me. I can't handle another relationship at the moment." I pause and stare at Christina's headstone. "Jesse. I love you. Really, I do. But my heart is torn, and I'm confused. I feel like I'm cheating on Christina, but when you're with me, the world seems right. I'm so confused."

I tell Jesse about my dream, and tears well up in her eyes too.

"I understand. There's no rush and no reason to push things."

"Thanks. It's so easy to talk with you, and I don't want to lose that. You know me and know what I'm going through better than anyone. Thank you for being patient with me and being there for me."

"Tom?"

"Yes?"

"Would you do me a favor?"

"Sure, if I can."

"Call me Jennifer."

"But you don't like that name."

"I like it when you say it, but please don't use it when others are around."

"Okay, but will you tell me your middle name now?"

"Sophia."

"Ohhhh...Jennifer Sophia...that's beautiful!"

"I suppose, but I still like Jesse better."

"Not me! I love your name; it sings to me...Jennifer Sophia Taylor."

"I'm glad." She pauses, and there's a long silence before she says, "You're the only one allowed to use it."

I hear movement behind us and turn around. Bob and Eileen are walking towards us. Sitting down, they don't say a word; they just listen to Jesse and me. When there's a lull, they ask us about the prom and how it went. The tears well up inside me again, and I look at Jesse as she tells them about the wonderful time we had. She leaves out the part about us kissing and the emotions that followed and just gives them the highlights of the enjoyable evening.

"Tom," Eileen says, "we want you to know that we are thrilled that you went to the prom with Jesse. The two of you are so good together, and we love you both so much."

I don't quite know what to say, but I follow my heart and tell her, "We had a good time. I love being with Jesse. It's difficult because all I can think of is Christina, but last night...well...I'm glad that Jesse asked me to go with her."

Emotion shows in Eileen's eyes, and she leans over and gives me a hug. I stand, and everyone stands with me. Then, Eileen takes the step between us and hugs me again.

This time she whispers in my ear, "It's okay, Tom. Christina would understand. I know she would want you and Jesse to be together since she can't be here." She kisses me on the cheek and then holds my face in her palms and looks into my soul. I begin to cry again.

"I have to leave," I tell them. "Jesse, would you mind getting a ride with your parents? I need to be alone right now."

"Of course, Tom. I understand."

I walk away and look back over my shoulder to see Jesse standing between her parents, with their arms around her.

Leaving the cemetery, I drive without thinking of a destination and end up at Zuma Beach. I drive all the way to the end of the parking lot, where the mountain meets the water, Point Dume. I climb over the rocks to the little cove that nobody seems to know about and remove my shoes. The warm sand between my toes is comforting as I drop down and look out at the waves crashing against the shore. I wish, at that moment, I had a surfboard to sit on and feel the peaceful rise and fall of the swell. Instead, my mind drifts thinking about Christina, my dream, school, swimming, and Jesse. Emotions swell within me again, and my soul is in turmoil.

I need to feel peace, and the only place I can find it is in the water, so I strip down, jump in the ocean...and swim.