Elven War


The Elven army stood on a green hill and waited for its commander to arrive. Private Shiva was in her beginning twenties. It was her first year after graduating at the Love University for Elves and her legs were feeling shaky. She turned her head and saw ten thousands of young, blond, green uniformed girls stretching out in every direction.

"Newbie?", asked a voice besides Shiva. She turned and looked upon the smiling face of a really good looking specimen of an Elf soldier.

"Yep. It's my first mission."

"Uh-huh. You're a lucky dog, babe. I've been sargeant for years now but still I had no major mission. Looks like a neat beginning for ya."

Shiva smiled uncertainly. Although she was the kind of girl who made everyone's head turn on the streets, she was naturally shy. Being part of the Love Army of Elves was a millenium long tradition in her family and it always had been clear that she also would follow this path. But now, as it was time for her first expedition to earth, she began to doubt if she had what it took for it.

She said, "Well, I rather feel clumsy. I just have no idea what awaits me on earth."

"We all don't know about it", answered the sargeant, "That's why we are here. Santa the First will be soon here to talk to us. Then we'll know it."

Shiva widened her eyes.

"Santa the First?", she asked with an unbelieving voice.

In all the years at the university she never had seen higher leveled Santa Clauses than third-grades. Santa the First was the highest of them. He was director of the Love University as well as first leader of the army. He just was the boss of the whole X-Mas thing.

The blond sargeant bent over to Shiva and murmured, "The mere fact that you are here should make you proud. They say, they chose the most talented Elves for this mission. They say it's an important one. Looks like the fate of mankind will depend on it."

The most talented ones! Shiva believed every cow at the meadow had more talent than she had.
In the first years as they were teached bodily love she had to attend several repetitional lessons. And now that she had finished she still didn't know half of the positions of Kama Sutra by heart. No, she wasn't talented at all, she thought. But then she was not quite sure what talent meant.

They heard the sound of galopping horses drawing nearer accompanied by bells. A wall of riders appeared at the hill, everyone of them wearing a red coat. They wore long white beards and shoulder-length hair. Third-degree Santas, thought Shiva. After them came about two dozen riders in yellow robes. All of them were dark haired and looked much younger than the red-robbed ones. They were undoubtly second-degree Santa Clauses. Shiva had never seen any of them but who else should they be? The riders descended from their horses, positioned themselves to left and right, building a passage for the final arrival. A sleigh, pulled by reindeers came in sight. Santa the First descended from it and stepped in front of the Elven army. He was a young man of about twenty years, brown-skinned, dark-haired, muscular and extremely good looking. Stark naked, only clothed by sandals, he looked like a greek god as he stood before them.

"In the name of love, I greet you!", he screamed.

Immediately the soldiers stood tall and answered with one voice, "In love we serve you!"

Silence followed. Shiva stood about twenty feet away from him and was hypnotized by his appearence, but she tried not to stare at him.

"The time has come at last, my friends. Too long I have been observing the grievances on earth. I've seen hate growing higher year by year, decade by decade, century by century. Now the time has come to fight for love. You all have been teached to spread unselfish love. I and my servants have chosen you to be my army that brings back love and peace to earth on this Christmas! Long live unconditional love!"

The Elves rose their fists into the air, repeating in a sing-sang, "Long live unconditional love! Long live unconditional love! Long live unconditional love!"

"That's the way to go", he said, giving signs to calm down, "I see you're all ready for it. But now it's important to take one step after another. Hate has taken organized forms on earth and we also must be well organized to have a chance against it. Today is the twentieth of december. This means we have enough time to beat all the hate out of them before Christmas. I want you to do it in three consecutive steps. Step one, which will be today, deals with bodily love. Sex, as the earthlings use to say. Go down there and show them how to do it!"


Now there she was. Shiva was standing in a dark corner in the midst of Bronx, New York. Clothed in a mini-skirt and net t-shirt she stalked in her pumps and tried not to lose balance. The lanterns threw fading light on the street and it was rather cold. She watched at the other women also standing here. It seemed as if they were waiting for something. She saw that they had their hair put up mostly, but she couldn't do the same because of her pointy Elven ears. She had not to wait long until a man in a long trenchcoat and nearly no hair neared.

"Hello", she said to the man.

"Hi", he answered, "what's your name, babe?"

"I'm private Shiva. I'm here to spread unconditional love...", after a while she added, "babe."

The man grinned.

"Hum. Private, huh? Seems you like it the hard way... How much?"

Shiva looked upon him and smiled. Then she said, "Beg your pardon?"

"Babe, I'm asking you for the price. What's the price for your unconditional love, babe?"

She smiled even broader and said, "Of course nothing. I give it to you for free, babe."

The man clucked and seemed willing to receive it. The streetwalkers had heard the conversation and came nearer.

"Are you nuts you stupid bitch?", said a black haired one, "You are going to destroy the prices."
She glared at Shiva and added, "You better piss off, or else..."

She calmed as she saw Shiva get out her longsword.

"Uh. Never mind. Do it for free as much as you want", she said before she ran away.

The other glittering chicks also disappeared and left her standing with the bold headed trenchcoat-guy.

"Um. Longswords are not exactly my turn on", said the guy.

The Elven-girl answered, "Just relax. I won't need it if you are a good boy. You'll see you'll like it."

About one hour later the guy staggered out of the corner, a smile in his face. He brabbed something of love, having his coat put on the wrong way round. He headed towards railway-station, hugging everybody in his way.

Shiva also left the corner, just after fitting her hair. She tried to remember how many orgasms the right number for human beings were. She just couldn't remember and hoped ten was the right guess.

"Well the third-grade Santas liked ten times very much. So will the humans."

Around midnight Shiva saw a long legged blonde woman coming towards her and she realized her being another Elf.

The other girl said, "In the name of love I greet you."

Shiva answered, "In the name of love I serve you. How are things going?"

"Not good. There are several difficulties we are facing. Santa Claus the First is not satisfied at all so far."

"What's wrong? I gave to several hundreds men my love and they all seemed happy so far..."

"It's many things. E.g. the number of orgasms we were teached to give to humans has proven to be wrong. Seems some of them have died of sex instead of being happy." She glanced sadly and added, "Santa the First wants us to come together in a night club called -Bad Ass Guy- , its just around the corner."

They trotted towards the club, none of them saying a word. In the front of it there was a big queue of people waiting to enter. A broad shouldered man looking like a football lineman stood at the door.

"Hello babe. We're here because of love", said Shiva.

"Everybody here is", answered the giant with a supressed smile, "But unfortunately I can't let everybody in, I'm sorry."

Shiva was about to grip her sword but the other Elven woman pulled her at her sleeve and shook her head.

The giant said, "To enter the club you have to meet the criteria."

"And they are...?"

"You gotta be a bad ass. As I can see, you aren't. I'm afraid you won't come in..."

The Elves sighed simultanously.

Shiva asked, "What the heck is a bad ass?"

"An evil person. Let's see. Hum. Have you any tatoos?"

They shook their heads.




The faces of the Elves lit up. Shiva remembered the first year at love school where they had to be pierced before the could begin with the studies.

"That stuff we have. Wait a minute."

They pulled their skirts upwards and dropped their panties, showing to the fat guy their pubic-area piercings.

"Happy with it?", asked Shivas friend.

"Yes yes, please enter. And please pull up your panties. I've got it, you definitely are -bad-ass-, come in."

Inside techno beats were hammering, letting the walls shake. The crowd was moving in an extatic dance fever. Shiva looked around the place and recognized several Elves and 3-deg-Santas. But there were also regular people, mostly women as she noticed. Many of the chicks stood around the ten foot high stage, applauding and crying in extasy. On the main stage a wild gone gogo-dancer shook his body to the techno rhytm, displaying his fantastic body proportions.

The women cried permanently, "Undress! Undress! Undress!"

As the dancer had removed his pants, Shiva managed to notice finally who he was. It was Santa the First. A few of the women broke through the chain of securities and stormed the stage. The boss Santa was squeezed, hugged and kissed until half-unconsciousness, but still able to maintain a rest of dignity.

After the act Santa stood among his Elves, discussing the further plans for todays activities. A man in a pin striped suit and sunglasses approached.

He said, "Congratulations Mr. ..."

"Santa is my Name, Santa the First."

"Ok. Nice Name, Mr. Santa. I just wanted to congratulate you to your show. You really have talent."

"Thanks. Can I do something for you?"

"Well. I'm Fred Johnson from Coca-Cola. I'm the boss for the advertisement there. We are planning to change our image and looking for new faces. What do you think about a career in the Ad-industry?"

Santa frowned.

"I'm afraid I have an important mission to fulfil right now. Maybe one day..."

"It's kind of X-mas related. We want to make Santa Claus look younger. Look, back then it was Coca-Cola who invented the current image of Santa Claus -an old, red-suited, white-bearded guy driving a sleigh and shouting -Ho ho ho-. It's about time that his face gets younger, that would work with the youths better. Our last representant was Brittney Spears. What do you say?"

Santa was speechless. Searching for the right answer he opened and closed his mouth repeatedely, looking like a fish out of water. At the moment he thought he could speak again, he heard voices thundering through megaphones.

"Everybody stay where he is! This is Police speaking! You are all arrested for participating in an unallowed nudist party."

The cops entered the club and started arresting people. Some Elves wanted to fight, but it was again Santa who forced them to calm down.

Santa the First's shoulders hang down as they drove him to the local jail. He had enough. He did not understand this world and was not able to save it from it's dullness and lovelessness. There was lots of investigation to do before they could come back on earth and lead the war, that was sure. Men who didn't stand ten orgasms at one time. Companies claiming to have invented Santa Claus. Government not allowing people to be nude in public. It was worse then he had thought. After he'd be outta here he had to deal with the newest developments mankind had taken. Then, maybe few years later it would be time again for another love war.

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