All Comments on 'Emily 2.0 Ch. 01'

You write quite well but might want to take a word count of how many times you used "humiliate", "humiliation" and "humiliating". The number is dizzying.

Thanks heaps for your feedback. It's great to get someone else's perspective. I was trying to really emphasise what was going on in her head and what she was feeling, and there's just not enough synonyms that I think people would actually use in their internal monologues in those circumstances. I tried to throw in a few mortifyings, debasings and degradings, and I thought I had a reasonable balance in the end. Still, sometimes you just need someone else to read it and point it out. If I do a rewrite one day I'll just cut a few of those sentences out I think. Cheers!

It never bothered me about the story at all, but if it does become something you notice as you write, there are alternatives to eliminating sentences altogether...

You could describe her facial expressions, such as 'jaw dropped', or 'looked to the floor to avoid their stares'. Also, body language and blushes convey the same thing, like 'face burned bright red', and 'froze in shock'. Sloppy examples but they explain my point I think.

Tons of interesting ways to describe embarrassment and humiliation. I think you do a fine job of it already. Other great examples to look to IMO are a couple of excellent Mailgirl story authors (one of my favorite genres, and one I think this story is very similar to) Seahawk76 and lizstanton8181, their stories are amazing at detailing the embarrassment of coerced public exhibition.

One thing I believe your story has a huge advantage over their stories is your willingness to include explicit acts in a rewarding way for the reader, as I commented before it gets downright annoying in their stories sometimes how they tease possible sexual encounters and then pull back.

The thing I think that genre has which I miss here in your story is the 'voluntary' contractual nature of the main character's submission... Where it is a slippery sloped trap they fall into and subject themselves to worse situations. I think Emily's submission is all internal, which is fun... But if there were more illusion of choice in her power exchanges it would be great. Chapter 3 was amazing though so don't think I'm knit picking, love how it's going!

Great idea to use more body language and facial expressions! Thanks also for Seahawk76 and lizstanton8181. I already have those two in my favourites. ;)

I started reading Saturday Night School by jessica_tang_vonharper yesterday and so far it's pretty good stuff. She is really good at getting the detail across without getting too bogged down in it.

To boldly go where no woman (we know) has gone before. "(!)"