All Comments on 'Empty House'

So he is friends with the guy who convinced his wife to leave him and got his children abused?

Its great the SOB feels bad his whore daughter got beaten like the rented mule she now looks like, but he and his whore planned to ensure he never saw his kids again

If the guy she ran off with was a nice guy this chumps good friend would have worked hard to ensure his grandkids never saw their gather again

Infantile.

I appreciate the fresh take on the cheating wife story. I really like that the new lover is the one that beat the hell out of the cheating wife and that the main character remained honorable during the divorce. The reconciliation with the former in-laws and his on going support of the cheating ex-wife ruined it for me. It was just too much of a change in Ralf’s personality and being that he was responsible for the marriage ending the main character should never trust him.

He became friends with the person that fucked up his life and friends with the bitch that betrayed him, wtf, navy guys are pussys i see

Wait, why is Ralph allowed forgiveness at all?

He literally pushed his own daughter to cheat, get her to try separating the kids from him, and got her in an abusive relationship that had her disfigured.

He's a piece of moldy shit. I get the wife deserves divorce. But that horrible man deserves to never see his grandkids again, since that was his plan for the main character.

This is not bad, even okay. However it could have been much better. Why do I say that? There is so much not covered. Here are examples; How did John seduce Emily? Did she, at first, resist? What were her and the children's experiences with John? Was there a confrontation between Alex and Emily and how did it go? I would expect Alex, (if for no other reason for a sense of closure), would like an explanation as to why. What was Emily's explanation? What has their subsequent interactions been like? Why are Ralph and the Admiral bonding? After all, Ralph carries a big chunk of the responsibility for Emily's betrayal of her marriage. I was a bit surprised by Alex started getting along with Ralph. One thing I did appreciate was how you dealt with John. Alex did not go Rambo on him, though he probably did want his revenge. Instead, Alex took his win and moved on. Karma, ultimately, got John.

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I know you can do a better job, as I have read your LW works. "Let Your Conscience be Your Guide", comes to mind. I look forward to your next tale. Thank-you.

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Pasqual

I was Army, but I have inlaws in the navy and we all have similar stories.

One of my neighbor's had a daughter in the Army who went to Iraq. She came home and her asshole hubs had done a runner with their daughter. And I knew a couple of guys that suffered that when I was in.

Jobs where one spouse is off and away are thankless. Either the spouse staying behind, or the one going away often steps out. It's why I left the service and never did my 20. My family was more important. does it happen to us when we are civilians? Yes. But not as much as it does to servicemen and women.

Lonely wives cheat. It's what they do.

reads like a police report narration.

but ok great for the kids. The grandpa I don't think I'd like friendship with him.

Looking at ex-wife's disfigured face, her father had a hand on the damage.

At least the husband is doing great.

Stupid wife.

Did a 10 year old write this?

This was…problematic.

The plot has more holes then Swiss Cheese, the idea that a wealthy man would “wine and dine” a middle aged woman with 3 kids is borderline insane. He can have any hot 18 year old he wanted but he choose her? And then beat her senseless because of a court order?

Da’fuq?

And it gets worse. The retired Admiral becomes friends with the ex seaman who isn’t even a NCO, but some enlisted rank? And be represents him for free?

You twisted some many laws that I’m surprised gravity still existed.

Rubbish !!

They were always so good together yet on his final cruise her own father set her up with a boyfriend .

That's fair enough I suppose considering there's no relationship between Alex and Ralph , although sabotaging a marriage is a low stunt from any parent . But it's a big stretch of the imagination under these circumstances to believe that Ralph and Alex could become friends let alone neighbours .

On the plus side , at least there was only one page .

Nopers! Not buying the warm fuzzies for Ralph the meddling, home wrecking father-in-law. I could see him and a nutless John the Jerk being stuffed into shipping container for a slow voyage to Afghanistan! As for Emily, she can live out her life with her mother. Alex should consider moving on with his life and find someone new. Ironically the new woman in Alex's life can thank Emily for bringing Alex home from the sea. TANSTAAFL

The story was too shirt and not well developed. The ending was also too rushed, it was a good premise, but you missed the mark. Re-write and develop the story

Not very good. The quality of the writing ruined the story.

Good idea. Too rushed. 3/5.

Totally lost me when Ralph became such a great guy. Turned into a total train wreck.

a bit vague

It took DAYS to clear him? Presumably hotel security would show that Alex was never there, if she was conscious she presumably would say that it wasn't Alex.

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Is it Ralph or Ralf?

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Editing! "then talked into going home with him. He managed to convinced her of all the finer things in life her and the children were missing out on." Talk HER into going home. managed to convince, not convinced. SHE and the children.

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@Anonymous Re: "why is Ralph allowed forgiveness at all?" - Yes, I remember Ralph's wife hanging up on Alex.

Why isn't John arrested for assault? Or any of the other charges that would result in a beating so severe it disfigures. That and becoming friends with the asshole father in law that precipitated the whole sorry mess were probably the biggest plot holes here. Make no mistake, there were others.

Not enough dialogue from the wife and felt like there was no substance to the story.

*** SPOILERS (You shouldn't be reading the comments before you read the story anyway!) ***

One star. It's not erotic (lit-EROTIC-a) and it is not a Loving Wives story. It's "Averil's Atonement": adding a one-paragraph wet dream blowjob doesn't transform this revenge fantasy into an erotic story.

Persistent punctuation errors, particularly around commas. Spelling issues masquerading as grammatical errors, like "me" instead of "be", or "foolhardy" misspelled as "fool hardy".

Plot was flat. The Naval hooks at the front were not bad, the suspense generated when Emily stopped writing Alex, and the inciting incident of her abandoning him were all good ideas, but they all felt rushed and unsatisfying. They should have drawn me into the story but they didn't. There were no twists, no midpoint reveal or surprise, and the "climactic confrontation with the antagonistic force" was little more than an anti-climactic explanation of Ralph's actions and his expression of regret. I think I may actually have dozed off reading the climax.

The characters are flat! The protagonist was making some basic decisions, but he was just along for the ride, never making any decisions which actually drove his story forward. He was being carried along by the NPCs. The NPCs should be allies, not the prime movers in the story. John Richardson is supposed to be some wealthy powerful man, but things went far too easy for Alex. Richardson should have been flexing his clout, pulling strings, calling in favors from his cronies. Instead, the Admiral formulated a plan which went off without a hitch, Alex gets his kids for the weekend without a hitch, and instead of just flying out of the state with Emily and the kids and fighting extradition, wealthy and powerful Mr. Richardson decides that it's much better to childishly beat Emily to within several inches of her life and leave by himself, thereby allowing Alex to have his cake and eat it too. Richardson is too stupid to be so wealthy. Alex experienced no set-backs. Everything turned out alright for him, his kids, and his dog, including the traitorous, gold-digging ex-wife being horribly disfigured by the usurper, and all Alex had to do was just sit by the river to become the hero.

Emily and her father had some growth, but we experience it vicariously through the protagonist's narrative, and we aren't reading the story for them. We want to see what's going on with the protagonist.

John Richardson is not a believable character. Nor Emily's father -- why would any father want their daughter under the heel of such a character which you have painted as being infamously cruel, a man who he apparently knew so well? Ridiculous.

I usually expect a more believable plot and more believable characters from someone submitting his forty-sixth story, but I see that you've been a very prolific writer, publishing all forty-six in the span of only six months.

I would never discourage anyone from creating, but if you want to get better then you're going to have to find a developmental editor, or an editor who is willing to mentor you. Or find some books on writing at the library or something.

Good luck.

need to flesh this out. Good story but way too short

Dumb story. 1*

Epic crash and burn here. Felt like it was thrown together in an hour.

Story not bad at all. You're getting better every time out.

good thing you can speak to each other when you are having problems. Nobody would NOT listen to their wife if there was a problem and they got to retreat to the Carnival Cruise line of the US Navy...

Rushed with a poor ending. You cracked the egg beforsten it was hatched, you can do better.

Captcha

A short and sweet, but savage BTB. The stupid wife and her equally stupid parents got theirs.

Appeared a bit rushed at the end though.

Scores 3/5

Good to see that the POS got dealt with. Great also that the GI got his kids back minus the two-timer. LP

What a load of bullshit. If John took his kids out of their home state so their dad couldn’t get to them, John won’t ever take them back to that state! The storyline is nuts!

Great idea for a story. I wish you had written it. Maybe next time. Thanks for the effort.

0 star - a really bad idea for a story - especially the violence which always gets a ZERO

I guess ya just got tired of writing. Not much of a story here. More like an outline for a story.

This was Like the outline for a great story...should have been much longer

Not much there. Pretty average and lacking emotion.

Failed to deliver.

That worked well. It was as long as it needed to be.

Story line was pretty good, though I think a little more polish would make it better. Thanks for writing.

Overall, a good flash story. Just one quibble. Why would Alex become good friends with Ralph? It was because of his machinations that destroyed the marriage. I can understand having a 'good' relationship with Emily, they have children in common. But, Ralph? No, F him.

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Pasqual

Surely when Emily refused John's command to return 'without the brats' he would have just dropped her and seduced another married bimbo, wouldn't he? I get that he's an egotist and doesn't like being told no but he's also misogynistic enough that rather than going to the trouble of having her attacked and beaten thus laying himself open to criminal charges he'd have decided that as a mere woman she was not important enough to get upset about and moved on to the next victim.

JR

I liked that! Thank you. We need stories with some good people.

Loved it! Very good story! My only (constructive) criticism is that it was a little telegraphic. IMHO, ithe story could have been made longer, with a bit more development to make the characters more 3D. Yet, I enjoyed it a lot. Many thanks.

He became great friends with Ralf who was the instigator behind his marriage being destroyed??? Nonsensical.

Good one. Cheating bitch gets her beating from her lover, he then pisses off the wrong people.

He has become good friends with the bitch who tried to steal his kids from him? And the asshole who started it all? What's next cutting his own balls? Do people who write shit like that even have kids? You could never be friends or even be civil. They tried to erase him from his kids life. The normal human reaction would be vindictiveness not sadness. Stop writing saintly martyrs thinking they make good MCs. They just look like naive dumbasses.