Eve & Lucy Ch. 03: Off set

"You don't have to do that Amandal," Lisa protests, "you're a guest. Go sit on the sofal and relax."

"Don't be silly. I mean, you'll need, like, help clearing this lot up."

"I'll get the boys on it. Where are they to anyway?"

"Just like them to disappear when there's housework." I start transferring leftovers into tupperware and sticking them into the fridge. Amanda's putting empties in the dishwasher.

We hear a thump and a rising whine from upstairs. Lisa huffs and heads up. It's probably time for Evie to go to bed anyway.

"So, do I have you to thank for this?"

"No. Like, Cameron called me."

"How did he get your number?"

"I don't know. Like, I mean, maybe he got it off your phone?"

"Oh yeah. Damn, I need to change my passcode."

"Why? Have you got, like, some dodgy photos on there?"

"No!" I pout. "No, I meant, have I got you to thank for the others being here?"

"Well, yes, as like, your best friend," she gives me a searching look, "I thought I'd better, like, round up some of your other close friends to show off to your family. They are lovely, your folks."

I move around her, piling up more bowls that are too big for the dishwasher.

"So how did you go down with Lucy?"

She gapes at me. "What...?"

"The films? What did she think?" I start to fill the sink to do the washing up.

"Oh! Yeah, like, she loved them. Yeah, she was, like, really enthusiastic." She starts bringing over things for me to wash. "I mean, she's going to forward them to the media team with, like, a recommendation that they get used. We may, like, need to sign something, you know, something legal? Suzy and Chen, like, filmed theirs today."

"Great! That's amazing Amanda."

She grabs a tea towel and starts to dry things as I rinse.

"Oh, leave that girls," Lisa says, coming in, "I'll get the boys to do it. Evie's asking for you both - would you mind popping up and reading her a story?"

"Sure."

We pass Cameron and Charlie on the stairs, being herded down by Jeff. "We left you the dirty stuff boys"

"Aw, cheers sis!"

"Hey, it's her birthday: she shouldn't be clearing up at all," Jeff admonishes them.

Evie's clearly sleepy but fighting it. She begs us to both read her a story. She picks the Worst Princess, which is great and has lots of dialogue.

"Oh I had this!" Amanda exclaims, and we take turns to read the parts, Amanda as the Princess, me as the Prince and Dragon.

"Can you come again? Maybe help Carrie babysit?"

Bloody hell, there's an idea. Straight out of a romcom. I banish it. "We'll see. Goodnight Evie."

"Goodnight Evie."

"G'night Amandal. G'night Carrie."

"It's, like, sooo cute how she says my name. Amandal!" Amanda says as we head downstairs.

"I know. She's proper Brizzle, she is. Gets it from 'er Mum, Lisal, don't she?" I ham up the Brizzle burr.

"Have you had a nice evening Carrie?" Jeff asks as we enter the much cleaner kitchen.

I give him a hug. "Yes. Thank you all so much."

"You haven't opened our present yet, have you? Where's it to Charlie?"

"Oh, yeah, here it is. Happy birthday sis!"

I carefully open the packaging to find a swanky looking leather briefcase. "This is gorgeous! Thank you so much!" I give them all hugs.

"I can't, like, compete with that, but you know, you haven't opened my present yet." Amanda presents me with a small package, wrapped up in newspaper. "Sorry, like, I didn't have any wrapping paper."

Inside are 3 cassette tapes, with hand-written liner notes, decorated with stars and stickers.

"Are those mix-tapes?" Jeff says, "God that takes me back, that does!"

"I thought you could, like, do with some tunes for your car, y'know."

"Oh wow, thanks Amanda!"

"Anything for my bestie!" She gives me a big hug, then yawns. "Sorry. I mean, like, I was up pretty late last night."

"Shall I get you home?"

"Yeah. But, like, can we take the scenic route? I wanna ask you a few things, you know?"

"Sure."

Amanda says goodbye to Jeff, Lisa, Charlie and Cameron. I notice Cameron holds that hug a little longer than he really should. Hmmmm, I should probably tell Jeff about Amanda's lack of costume and how maybe it's not such a great idea if the boys come.

"Carrie, you're welcome to bring Amandal along any time. She's lovely." Lisa gushes. Amanda has clearly totally won them over.

"Aw, like, thanks Lisa. I've had a lovely time. I mean, your family is gorgeous."

Jeff sees us out, giving me another big hug.

My car awaits. My car! I do a little dance as we get to it.

"So, let's try out one of these tapes then. How did you make them?"

"I found an old stereo with a cassette player in, like, a charity shop. Blank cassettes too. I mean, then all I had to do was run, like, a mini-jack cable from my phone and, you know, record a spotify playlist."

"Inventive!" I slot one in. It makes a satisfying clunk.

So I think you've got something wrong with you

"Oh my days! You didn't!"

"Yep! Of course. Gotta, like, preserve our legendary performance."

I spit out a laugh as I pull out.

"Yeah right. It would be a mercy if everyone forgot it."

"I won't."

We drive in silence for a little while.

"Carrie? Why do your family think that I'm, like, your best friend?"

I'm not sure I want to answer that.

"Why did your flatmates come, Amanda?"

"Partly for me, partly for you, and, also, 'cos, like, they are good people. But don't, like, change the subject. Why did Cameron call me?"

"Yeah... so I talk about you quite a bit. And then, because I don't really talk about anyone else, they ask me about you."

She's quiet for a bit. Then: "Like, why don't you have friends, Carrie? Like, you're amazing. I don't understand. Please, tell me."

I don't say anything. I drive on, through Shirehampton. She wants to take the scenic route, and I want to enjoy the feel of my car. Portway or Downs? The Portway will be pretty with the Suspension Bridge lit up and the lights on the river. The Jonas Blue version of "Fast Car" is playing.

See, my old man's got a problem

He live with the bottle, that's the way it is

He says his body's too old for working

His body's too young to look like his

My mama went off and left him

She wanted more from life than he could give

I said somebody's got to take care of him

So I quit school and that's what I did

"Is it, 'cos, like, your mother's an alcoholic?"

"Fuck!"

"I offered to get her a beer earlier and she told me she hadn't had a drink for, like, 5 years. I mean, she seemed surprised I didn't know, so, like, your story about us being friends might be blown."

I silently mull over whether or not to respond. What is there to say?

"I'm not stupid, you know, Carrie! Your brothers, like, don't live with you. Your mother doesn't drive. I mean, you live with your Gran. The way you, like, freaked out the other night. Is this why you don't, like, have friends? Oh, for fuck's sake Carrie! Pull the fuck over and fucking talk to me!!"

Startled, I comply, and take the sharp left off the Portway down to the Sea Mills harbour. I park up and we stare at the handful of boats bobbing on the high tide.

"Right, Carrie, like, friends tell each other things. I want to be your friend. I think, like, you want that too, right?"

She waits. I can feel her glaring at me.

"Yeah. Yeah I do Amanda." Maybe more.

She waits. I scratch at the back of my hands.

"Sorry. I got so used to keeping quiet about it, worried that social services might get involved or her probation officer would find out she was drinking again..." I sigh. "I've never talked to anyone about this, you know. I don't think I know how."

"Like, the start is a good place."

I shudder. Really? Do I need to go there? I look at her. She must see something in my eyes, dark though it is, as she leans over and takes my hand, gives it a squeeze, then pulls it into her lap. The song changes.

I was alone last night, wondering how things got so bad,

Before I call you home, drink, till I'm upside down,

"So," I begin, "we lived with Gran and Grandad until I was 4. That's when Mum met Owen..."

I relive the terror of that flat in Newport. The drunken rages, the fights, the fear, the worry. The time I stood over my mother's prone body, screaming, literally pissing myself with terror, while Owen ranted and raved. I was 5. I tell her about the feeling of relief when the police came and my stunned miscomprehension when we ended up returning to that hell. About fighting with Karen and Gran on my visits, desperate to get back there, terrified about what might happen while I wasn't. How I was 6 when we finally left, Grandad bundling us into his car almost forcibly.

"It was this car," I sob, "Owen threw stones at us as we drove off. Smashed the back window. I got covered in glass. It was freezing coming over the bridge." I pull my hand back and scratch furiously at the back of it.

Feels like you're addicted to the pain

Feels like you're addicted to the rain

And what it takes and what it takes

She takes it back again.

As a light rain begins to patter on the roof, she listens as I talk about how my Mum sank into a drunken stupor afterwards, while we lived back with her parents, about how Karen and Dave refused to let me go with her when she turned up drunk to collect me. How she seemed to get it together, got a job at Grandad's garage as a receptionist, met Jeff, started training as a mechanic. Married Jeff, had the boys, became a stay-at-home-Mum and for a few years it all seemed fine. I went to Secondary School, started to make friends, but then Mum started drinking again. I'd come home and find empty wine bottles. How I'd cover for her, terrified Jeff would find out, that my school would find out, that Gran and Grandad would find out. Then the affair with Janet, me having to collect the boys and take them to the park to avoid them finding out. Then the affair with Penny that I didn't manage to cover up.

"Aw shit Carrie, you can't blame yourself for that, you know?"

"I know," I sniff. But I do. I really do.

"You're incredible Carrie. Like, it's no wonder your family are so proud of you."

You are beautiful and awkward like:

Lana, Dua, Tracy, Gall

"No," I shake my head.

I tell her about Jeff leaving. About trying to keep the family together, feeding the boys, getting them to school, constantly being late and then just missing school entirely when they wouldn't let me leave early enough to pick the boys up from their Primary. Hiding mum's keys, money, cards.

Me failing.

The car crash. Mum being in hospital and losing her licence. The suspended sentence. The boys going to live with Jeff and his new girlfriend Lisa. Trying to look after Mum and missing huge chunks of school. Mum going dry and Jeff getting her a job at his garage. Grandad dying and Mum hitting the bottle again. Losing her job, and me missing my GCSEs to make sure she didn't drown on her own vomit. Losing the house and moving back in with Gran. Meeting Jean and getting her back on the wagon and going to AA meetings. Jeff being a fucking hero again and letting her work at his garage again. Coming off the wagon again when Lisa wouldn't let the boys come and live with her. Getting dry again and finding work at With Her Wheels. Having to go to college to retake my GCSEs, then A levels as a mature student, the outsider, the outcast, never socialising, but rushing home to keep an eye on Mum.

I'm actually good

Can't help it if we're tilted

"You know, for the longest time, I had control of her bank account. She didn't know the passwords, the pin number, nothing. I kept her cards. It was so she couldn't buy booze. It was only last year I let her have the details."

"Wow. So, you basically, like, didn't get a childhood? That's fucking tragic Carrie."

"I am my mother's keeper," I whisper.

"What?"

"I got it tattooed on me when I was 16. Backwards so I could read it in the mirror. Funny that we're doing that play now, right? I mean, that's the story it comes from."

She shakes her head. "It's not right, Carrie. I mean, I was in awe of you before, but, like, now... wow."

I shrug. "There's loads of kids out there who are carers."

"Yeah, but still."

"And I'm so worried she's going to relapse again," I can feel the tears hanging off my chin and I wipe my face with my sleeve.

"Why?"

"Well, like, she finally reconnected with Bex - you remember the friend she was in love with? Last year. She's been going up to Gloucester to visit her. But... well, if it doesn't turn out how she wants... I'm terrified she'll get depressed and start drinking again." I tug my hand back and start scratching furiously. "That's why I freaked the other night. When I saw the missed calls from Jean my first thought was that she was drunk."

She leans over and takes both of my hands, pulls them to her and wraps her arms around me. I let out a great shuddering breath into her shoulder.

If you don't wanna see me

When she pulls away, she keeps hold of my hands, and leans her head on my shoulder. Her voice is barely a whisper.

"Is this, like, why you think you can't be with anyone?"

"I tried. I was seeing this girl. Miriam. I met her while I was finishing my A Levels. It was fine over the summer, but then when I started at Uni it all just got too much. She wanted to see me and I couldn't give her the time and... it just didn't work."

"Yeah. Ok. But, like, maybe that was just her? I mean, did you, like, tell her all this?"

"No. But it wasn't her fault really. It was me. It was Mum."

"Relationships only, like, work if there's communication Carrie. Friendships too." She yawns. "Sorry. Lucy kept me up, like, really late last night, you know."

A hot sense of dread and despair flushes through me as what she says sinks in.

Dua Lipa's voice spools out from the cassette.

Walk away, you know how

It's too late to start caring 'about me now

"So, it's going well with Lucy then?" I try my hardest to sound casual and keep the jealousy and heartbreak out of my voice.

"Mmmm. I mean, it's early days. Like, we've only known each other for a week. We've been on like 3 dates. But, yeah, she's really interesting. Kinda hot too, you know."

Fuck, fuck, fuck! I force myself to smile. "Great! I'm pleased for you."

"Thanks. But, like, this isn't about me." She tilts her head up and gives me a kiss on the cheek. "I'm, like, really pleased you opened up to me Carrie. You can't, like, keep these things buried. I'm sure it's, like, unhealthy or something. I want to be your friend, you know? And I think others will too: I mean, you've just got to, like, give them a chance."

"Thanks Amanda."

She resettles her head on my shoulder. "You're, like, amazing Carrie. I mean, given all of that shit you went through, I am, like, stunned you aren't completely screwed up. Instead, like, you're about to graduate and you're, like, this amazing actress. Like, wow, Carrie. But, you know, you aren't alone in this."

"Thanks."

Do you recall, not long ago

We would walk on the sidewalk?

Innocent, remember?

All we did was care for each other

"No. I don't mean me. Though, yeah, of course, I'm here for you. No, like, I mean your family. Like, look at what happened tonight. Your brothers organised a party for you: I don't think they'd leave you to, like, deal with things by yourself if they got bad. You Gran was telling me how bad she feels for not being there for you. Mike. Jeff. Your grandparents. Like, they are all so proud of you and all so there for you. And your Mum is so desperate to get it right for you, you know? You do have to, like, be responsible for everything."

We all need somebody to lean on

And I feel it. The crack in the foundations, the shake, the shudder, the chink that lets through the light she's shining on my life, my vision of myself, falling apart now. She's right. Karen's right. Jean's right. I don't need to do this alone.

As the walls crumble inside me, the realisation of what I had and what I set aside sinks in. We sit there a little longer, holding hands, looking out at the moon and the water through the raindrops running down the windscreen. I desperately want to kiss her again. But it's too late.

We stay there so long, she falls asleep. I listen to the mixtape she made me as her chest gently rises and falls.

It was getting late

you were afraid of yourself

Afraid that you might call her

that you could not help yourself

And what could I say?

It lived in you all day.

I watched her in your eyes, and

move across your face

like the wind on the water

I tried to tell you.

That is the way that you want her

I tried to tell you

You were so afraid to try and pull apart

the endless rain you thought of as your heart

Heart aching, I start the car. She stirs as I put the GT in gear.

"Wha... oh, sorry, did I, like, fall asleep?"

"Yeah, don't worry. It was cute. I'll take you home."

The rain is still falling lightly as we pull out onto the Portway. The lights of Brunel's bridge reflect in the dark tarmac and all I want is to just keep going, keep driving, set off on the road, with this girl by my side.

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Phew! Thanks for sticking with it. All comments and feedback gratefully received.

Amanda's mixtape tracklist, side A

Original Sin - Sofi Tukker

Fast Car - Jonas Blue

France Gall - Jack Bisonte

Tilted - Christine and the Queens

Don't start now - Dua Lipa

Lean on - Major Lazer & DJ Snake

I tried to tell you - The Weather Station

Open eye signal - Jon Hopkins