Eye Of The Beholder

"A man like you," she shook her head.

"You know what I mean," he removed the hood from his head.

Memories flickered, distracting him so that when she touched his face, his scar, he jerked back. She followed. She traced his scar with her fingertips, skimming the surface of the furrowed skin. Then she surprised him when she tiptoed and kissed his scar.

Derek found it impossible to believe that the desire in her eyes was a lie.

"Annabella?" He did what he'd been dying to, filling his hands with her hair and tilting her head just so.

Her eyes half closed, her mouth half-open, she-breathed,

"Mmm?"

"Just to get things straight. Today when you kissed me. I kissed you too."

When she smiled, he kissed her again.

CHAPTER 13

They rushed to Derek's place. It was the one closer to the gym.

As soon as they entered, Derek took Annabella in his arms and started kissing her again.

His mouth on hers was firm and warm; the hands tangled in her hair were gentle. Men usually rushed, wanted to touch what they'd been dreaming of. They always moved on to stage two long before she was ready. But Derek made love to her mouth slowly, reverently, as if he had an eternity just to kiss her, as if he enjoyed the melding of lips and tongue as much as she did.

When he lifted his head, she sighed, disappointed, but before she could lead him to the bed, he buried his face in her hair, then sweetly kissed her neck, her jaw, the corner of her eye.

His hands wrapped around her waist, and she waited for them to surge upward, cup her breasts. Instead, he kept his hands right where they were, thumbs tracing the quivering muscles of her belly.

She chastised herself for comparing past to present. How many times already had Derek demonstrated he was unlike other men?

As if to prove her every thought true, his mouth returned to hers and time lost its hold on them. His lips nibbled and caressed, nipped and suckled. The man could certainly kiss.

"Off," she muttered and pulled up his T-shirt.

He obliged, tugging the garment over his head. And then he stood before her in shorts.

Her fingertips fluttered over his chest, his belly, rubbing against the ridge of muscles. His indrawn breath tightened the muscles of his stomach.

Annabella ran her fingers up his rib cage, tangled them in the soft hair across his chest. Then she tore her mouth from his.

She trailed her fingers across his chest, over the spike of his nipples, then through the path of hair that disappeared into his pants.

She hooked her fingers in the waistband and tugged. "Off," she repeated.

He grinned a crooked smile, and she had to smile, too. She felt as though she could demand anything of him that she desired.

He pulled his shorts down slowly.

"Now..." he skimmed his palm down the side of her face. He dropped to his knees and pressed his mouth to the skin between her shirt and her shorts. She let out a loud moan, and the shudder that wracked her body made her knees tremble. He steadied her with his hands on her hips, then drew a taste of her skin into his mouth and suckled.

Her fingers on his shoulders clenched. His skin was hot and smooth; she touched his back, caressed his hair, then held his mouth right where it was.

His hands lowered, cupping her rear, sliding down her thighs, and then his fingers explored her calves, and his thumbs stroked higher and higher until he traced the quivering skin just beneath the ragged hem of her shorts. She held her breath, waited for him to go higher still, but he didn't. Instead, he pressed one last open-mouthed kiss to her belly and stood.

Without a word, he took her hand and led her to the bed.

She looked up once more, and his mouth took hers. No longer gentle, she didn't mind. She stroked his pulsing member with her hand as his tongue mimicked the movement within her mouth.

Moments later he lifted his head and stilled her caress. "You're driving me crazy." His voice was breathless.

The idea of making this strong man need, of making such a serene man yearn, aroused her.

He didn't care that he was naked and she was not. He didn't tug at her clothes; he didn't yank her onto the bed. Instead, he lay down and let her look at him. It was a first for him since he was hurt.

"You're going to give me a complex if you keep staring at me like that," he murmured.

She raised her gaze and caught a flicker of uncertainty in the depths of his black eyes.

"You're the most beautiful man I've ever seen," she whispered.

He gave a short bark of laughter, and held open his arms.

She sank into them gladly. Having his arms around her was almost as good as having her hands all over him. She hadn't realized how much she needed a hug until he'd started hugging her. She hoped he would hug her a lot, every chance that he got.

"Do you want me to take off my clothes?" she asked.

"Only if you want to."

She'd found his patience comforting, but the tension in her belly, her breasts, her being, was past soothing. She sat up and yanked her T-shirt over her head. She had no idea where it landed, because her gaze returned to his face.

She expected him to be staring, even ogling, her breasts, but was surprised to discover he was watching her face, as well. Would she ever learn that he did nothing the way she expected him to?

Her fingers lowered to her sport shorts, but his hands were there before her, easing them over her hips, sliding them down her thighs and dropping them over the edge of the bed and onto the floor.

She needed to be a part of this man who made her feel special and distinct, and she wanted him to be a part of her.

Taking his hand, she placed it on one breast. "Touch me, Derek. Look at me. Please."

Even then, he pressed a kiss to her temple first before he leaned back and lowered his gaze. The brush of his eyes was a near physical thing; heat spread over her body.

"You're a very pretty girl, Bella."

For some reason, his words disappointed her. Then he lifted his gaze, and she was captured by the intensity on his face. "But the most beautiful thing about you is that you're aware of how very little 'pretty' means in the scheme of life." He pressed his palm against her heart. "It's what's in here that counts."

He lowered his head to kiss the skin that his hand had covered. With his breath warm on her breast, he murmured, "The longer I know you, the more I see that you're even more exquisite inside than out."

He was wrong. Inside she was a whirling, dark storm of lunacy, weak and confused and stupid. Ugly beyond redemption.

She meant to tell him; she really did. She even opened her mouth. But all that came out was a moan when his lips closed over her breast.

He might not have been interested in them before, but he made up for it now, driving her to a clinging, shaking peak with his mouth alone.

All thought lost, sensation took its place. Gentleness abandoned, madness overcame the two of them. He touched her everywhere, in every way. Drove her up, then held her as she fell, and drove her right back again.

When at last he entered her, she was already limp and hoarse, but when he filled her and kissed her once more as he'd kissed her already a hundred times before, she arched to take him deeper, felt him touch her inside, and called his name once and again... and again... and again. Deeper... and deeper... and deeper.

CHAPTER 14

Life settled into a pattern. Derek was with Bella day and night. They spent time at her apartment and his house.

Derek didn't know how he'd gone all of these years without the joy of sex. Now, the least little thing made him hard and horny. Once Annabella reached under the sink for the dish soap, and her gorgeous ass seemed to call to him, and he wanted to slip her pants down and slam into her hard and fast.

But that wasn't the only way he liked it. He liked pushing into her softly as she begged him for more. He loved being with her and not just sexually. He enjoyed holding her in his arms while she fell asleep. He loved watching her on the treadmill as she found a pace that suited her. He loved the way she watched him as if there was nothing wrong with him.

Derek couldn't believe the turn things had taken, he also couldn't regret it, even though he had no doubt this would end badly.

No one in Middletown seemed to notice or care that the two of them were always together. In a town that thrived on gossip as its main source of entertainment, Derek should probably be insulted that nobody suspected anything was going on between the ugly ex-soldier and the gorgeous ex-model. But he wasn't.

Annabella was also on cloud nine. The loneliness that had been her constant companion all her life faded when she was with Derek. Her life was bright, warm and beautiful when she was with him. She felt loved, cared for, protected.

Derek was her breath of fresh air; he was the absolute love of her life. He thought she was perfect, and she wanted it to stay that way. She would do anything in her power to preserve her relationship with Derek.

It had become harder to hide it from Derek now that they were spending most of their time together. When she was with him, she let her guard down and ate things she shouldn't. She knew she had to tell him about her eating disorder at some point.

It was hard to imagine how Derek could miss a problem as serious as that, but Annabella kept her dark secret pretty well hidden. Or so she thought.

One evening, Derek used the key Annabella had given him after their first night and slipped into the darkened apartment. They had pizza for dinner, and Derek decided to go out for a walk. Annabella had preferred to stay at the apartment. The place was so quiet; Derek thought sh'd gone to sleep.

A muffled shuffle from the bathroom made him glance up just as Annabella came into the room. She raised her head, and stiffened, eyes darting to the kitchen table, the countertop, then back to him. The fear on her face made him nervous.

"What is it? You look like hell."

Her skin was pale, her hair sweaty and tangled; her hands shook when she reached up to rub her eyes.

"I'll be all right."

He crossed the room and pulled her into his arms. Her skin was clammy, and she shivered.

"You're sick." He led her over to the couch, and she sat down at his urging like a child. "What's the matter?"

Her eyes flitted to the table again. Derek strode over and picked up a packet of pills.

"No!" she cried.

"What are these pills for? To cause vomit?"

He'd wanted to give her a chance to confide in him, to trust him, but the time for patience had passed. Derek tossed the pills on her lap. Then he grabbed the laxatives off the counter and did the same thing with those.

He lifted his gaze to hers. "Anything else around here I need to know about?" She shook her head, wide-eyed.

"Good. Now we're going to talk."

Annabella was shaking from head to toe. Derek knew the truth that no one else had ever discovered. He knew just how ugly she was beneath her skin. Now he'd never touch her again. Bella waited for Derek to walk out the door.

But he didn't.

Instead, he sat down next to her on the couch and drew her against his side, just as he always did.

"Talk to me."

"I... I can't."

"Why not?"

"I've never told anyone."

"So many secrets, Bella. Why do you think you have to keep everything locked inside?"

She stared at him with her mouth hanging open. He'd called her Bella. As if nothing had happened. As if everything was still the same. As if he hadn't just discovered the monster inside her.

"What set you off?"

How could he sound so calm when her head, her stomach, her heart whirled in weary confusion?

"Set what off?"

"Anorexia, bulimia. One or the other... I'd say the latter, since you don't look so thin you make my teeth ache."

Hearing the words made her cringe. What if the entire world found out? What would happen to her then?

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Obviously, since you never have. But maybe you should, hmm?"

He kissed her brow. She wanted to turn herself over to his care, to let him make everything all right. But she'd been self-sufficient for so long, and now nothing would ever be all right again if she lost him.

"How can you touch me now that you know?"

"I've known all along."

She stiffened. "You have not!"

"Cutting your lasagna into itty-bitty pieces. One night you ate lasagna and garlic bread. The next day you didn't touch a thing, and you fainted. I'm not blind or stupid. Binge and purge, Bella."

She raised her gaze to his. "I still can't understand why you'd touch me if you discovered this."

"And I can't understand what one has to do with the other."

She groped for the words to explain what she felt. "I'm ugly beyond redemption..."

He touched one finger to her chin and turned her face toward his. "You're not ugly to me. You're affectionate. Brave. Devoted. Kind. From the skin all the way into your heart."

"And you're delusional. I'm a very ugly person. I'm not beautiful. Not inside where it counts. Inside I'm lost and lonely and dumb. And when I look in the mirror, I'll always be... be..."

She faltered, and he took her hand in his. "What?"

"Fat."

"Ah, I wondered about that." Derek ran his fingers through her hair, rubbing the back of her neck.

"I was fat as a little girl. No one liked me. I had a late growth spurt, and it was just like that ugly duckling story. Boys liked me and said I was pretty. I didn't become a swan overnight, but near enough. One day I was listening to some of the girls talking at school. It was cool to eat like mad, then throw up."

She shrugged at the disbelief on his face. "Teenage girls are the craziest people on the planet. Believe me. They'd pass around tips about laxatives, speed, water pills, fasting. Weird diets like eggs, bananas and hot dogs only. You name it, they knew about it."

"You have to be kidding."

"Because I'd lost weight, I started to feel special for the first time in my life..."

"Being special doesn't have one damn thing to do with your weight!"

"Really? Tell it to the world, Derek!" He scowled and opened his mouth to argue. "Let me finish. You did." His mouth snapped shut. "Things went worse when I got to California. I had to fit in those incredible tiny dresses. I had to starve myself almost to death to fit in them. That's when I should have left. But I didn't. The truth was that I was risking my health, my very life for a job."

Derek kept rubbing her neck, letting her know he was there for her.

"I read up on eating disorders. I'm a bulimic. Bulimics have other problems not as severe as anorexia, but nothing to be blasé about," Bella said, her eyes full of tears.

"I'm afraid you're going to really hurt yourself one of these days if you continue to do what you've been doing. I think you need help. There's nothing wrong with needing help once in a while," Derek's voice was soft and understanding.

She took a deep breath. "You're right, Derek. I've been sick for a long time now. It's time I admitted it and made me right. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. I'll look for help first thing in the morning. I'll do it for me, but I'm also doing it for us."

CHAPTER 15

Annabella started seeing a therapist for her eating disorder. It was a turning point in their relationship. She slowly began to open up to him. Their relationship became deeper and more real.

Her life had been an act, a constant and exhausting attempt to hide her bulimia. Once she stopped acting, she could slowly let the real Bella shine through. She had forgotten who she was when she was bulimic. But, as she began to recover and open up about her eating disorder, she learned to love herself. Cheesy but true.

Gradually, Annabella realized that Derek didn't hate her if she was bulimic. She realized that she could open up to him, and he would still love her.

The more she shared with him and her therapist about her bulimic experience, the more she felt able to conquer it. She began to understand that bulimia was not everything about her life. It was but a small part of it.

A small part that she could beat.

***

However, Annabella still had other battles to fight.

Annabella preferred spending time at Derek's place in the evenings because his home was just so much more comfortable than her tiny apartment. They had gotten into the habit of her sleeping over.

Derek had left work early to go grocery shopping and left Annabella the task of leaving everything ready from the next day and closing the gym.

On the way to Derek's place, she spotted Mary Lou walking towards her. Annabella was about to walk past her, but Mary Lou stopped her.

"Please Bella. I'd like to talk with you."

"Okay, I'm listening," Bella crossed her arms.

Mary Lou wrung her fingers, her face full of concern. "Don't you think...you're jumping into this kind of fast?"

Annabella looked at her, ready to jump at her throat. "Jumping into what exactly?"

Mary Lou sighed. "Derek, of course. Why do you have to get so wrapped up in a man, Bella?"

"It's something called love, Mary Lou. I'm sure you have heard about it," Bella snapped.

"How can you love someone that looks like him?" Mary Lou asked.

Bella twisted her mouth in disgust, her gaze on her ex-friend steady. Mary Lou wasn't as mean as Janice, she was just dumb. The kind of girl that goes with the flow. Annabella was sure she meant well, that's why she took the time to enlighten her.

"I'd been friends with Derek for months before we even kissed. How is that fast?"

"Bella, where do you see this relationship going?"

"Where any relationship goes, Mary Lou. I want to nurture it and allow it to keep growing. What are you getting at?"

Mary Lou took a deep breath. "do you think that you and Derek...fit?"

Annabella just watched her in surprise.

"I'm just saying... nobody is going to look down on you if you back away from this guy. Or if you just want to fool around with him because... he's got a fucking great body! But Bella, you don't want to MARRY this guy!"

Annabella took a deep breath. "I want you to listen to what I have to say and don't interrupt me. I'm not angry because you feel that way, Mary Lou. Because I used to think in those terms too, maybe we all do. I know that when I go places with Derek, we will always be the center of attention. I already know that I have to come to terms with that.

"I also know that I can't think that way anymore. I was so concerned about looks that I became a shallow and vain person. The old Annabella would have never considered dating a man that had the scarred face that Derek has.

"I know now that I was a very ugly person. And people around me made me feel ugly too. When someone says, 'if only you would lose weight,' they are really saying, 'you are not as good as the rest of us.'"

Mary Lou flinched at that.

"Maybe they don't mean to hurt you or pass judgment or call you ugly. But in my case, I put two and two together, and what I came up with was that I wasn't good enough if I was fat.

"I wish I knew then what I know now; I wouldn't have hurt a lot of people as I did, just because they were different. It doesn't matter what people look like on the outside because if you love them, they are beautiful," Annabella smiled. "Derek is beautiful. I'd rather have him with his ugly face than have an ugly person with a perfect one."

Bella looked into Mary Lou's eyes. "You don't need to define beauty for me anymore. Your definition doesn't meet mine now because I think Derek is beautiful, and that's why I love him, not because of how he looks."

Mary Lou grabbed a tissue from her purse to dab at the tears in her eyes. "I really came off as shallow. But it's certainly not what I meant."