Feeling Guilty

******* Hello, I'm writing this- during these trying times, because I feel that it's needed... Hopefully, I can delay or bypass any of your "pent-up" feelings and/or emotions, and help you to divert them accordingly*******

Over these last few years, my life has taken quite a turn. My divorce was rough. I mean really rough for me. I truly loved her. I thought that I had given her most everything that she had ever wanted & I always tried to focus- on putting 100% of my efforts- into our relationship. We had our investment property & we had our side- "joint investments". Everything was good- maybe even "perfect". Mutually/together- we were in excellent financial standing...

Then, came a "shock" to me. I was completely blown-away. One day- she vanished. She was gone. She just- "vanished". No notes to me, to any of her friends, or to her siblings. There weren't any msgs left for her friends at work either. No liquidation of her belongings/properties. Her banking matters seemed intact. No signs- whatsoever. Nothing.!!

Even though we had remained friends after our divorce- I was constantly thinking about my behavior during our relationship. I was actually feeling guilty. Did I try hard enough? Did I try to do the right thing- always? Was I apologetic to her, (when/if) I was wrong? Was I too selfish? Was I considerate enough?

The guilt was constantly- pressing at my thoughts. I was pushing my thoughts deep into the ground and later reviving them- in hopes of finding some explanation. Some answers, anything. Did she leave me or did she leave her family? We were still pretty good friends after our divorce- so maybe she couldn't handle seeing me around town? Was she taken? Did she remarry? Was she gay? I was drilling myself daily/hourly.

I kept telling myself that I needed to go on. I needed to move on. My life needed to move forward. My co-workers were starting to take notice- so I bought myself a bicycle, just to misdirect them. I didn't want anyone to think that I was falling apart.

Riding to/from work actually helped me out- alot. I didn't feel as horrible-anymore... I felt that my life wasn't as horrible as I had imagined- and it was probably due to all of my riding. The world seemed a little brighter. The virus was/is, still- horrible though.

I'm negative, but declared "essential", so my hours keep changing & my daily routine has changed immensely. I can't just ride to work anymore & then ride home to catch up on my porn.

It seems that I always have to prepare for "this" meeting or I have to sterilize for "that" encounter. Early starts. Mid-morning starts. Split shifts. Late nights & even all-nighters. I'm "on-call", pretty much 24/7 now.

My favorite hobby- in my whole world- was being affected & I truly miss the, good 'ole days. Not only have my "viewing pleasure" times changed, but my viewing interests & masturbation techniques- have changed as well. I've been watching more & more Transgender videos & I even have a couple favorite actresses.

Trans(T.G.) ladies are also known as shemale(s), but that's considered a derrogatory statement. I personally like saying shemale. Saying transgendered/tranny, just seems too foreign to me. Some of these ladies in these videos seem really beautiful to me & "thus"---- I feel guilty. I'm not only starting to play around- w/my butt, but I've also purchased some toys- specifically, for my butt.

So, I went to a local church- in another town, & I met with a Deacon, explaining my dilemna. He made me feel quite relaxed & he even reassured me- by telling me that my situation has become relatively typical- during these trying times.

He excused himself & returned a short time later w/a bottle of water for me. He asked me to follow him. We walked into an office or greeting room & then continued through it- to an official office. This must be "HIS" office- I thought to myself.

The Deacon instructed me to take a seat in a very simplistic chair, or stool. It sat about 4 feet- in front of the desk. The chair didn't fit the decor of the room- but I sat down. I was so nervous, that I could hardly unscrew the cap to my water bottle. The Deacon dismissed himself.

The Priest finally entered the room- dressed in HIS gown. He said a prayer & took a seat @ the desk. We talked for about 25mins. Suddenly, HE got up & walked around- from behind the desk & stood right there in front of me.

HE asked me if I was ready to confess my sins---- and that question kinda confused me. I had just spent 25mins- explaining everything to him. I thought that I had just confessed... Wasn't that my confession? Didn't I just confess?

When I said, "yes Father", I am ready to confess, HE slowly raised HIS gown in silence & completely covered me with it. HE then asked me to confess my sins unto HIM, (as HE slowly started moving forward- towards me). I tried to take a drink- but my water bottle hit my chin, as my nose bumped HIS crotch... Needless to say- I ended up dropping my water bottle.

I pushed HIS crotch side-to-side with my forehead, trying to get some distance between us, but HE smelled really good & I was already feeling really nervous & quite guilty- so I just kinda fell into the moment.

Wow. I was in heaven. I still am. I can't believe that I'm still blown away by this experience- considering that I see HIM so often. Sometimes 3-4 times a week...

**** I'll start working on chapt. #2 ****