All Comments on 'Femdom Watching Little Sister'

Nice start! Please continue!

Describing her orgasm would have been nice.

I understand that the first time anyone publishes a story on this site they have probably read many too. The best stories tend to build the scenario first and introduce the sex gradually. For instance the sister was masturbating watching porn with headphones on yet suddenly, seemingly without reason, she turned and dicovered her older brother. That could have been stretched to other encounters and maybe him banging against a table to make her aware.

Then she immediately began to sexually dominate him.

The writing is good quality, the pacing way too fast IMO.

It's very erotic but it's only a start. You want advice? PROOF READ! I've written letters and read them over six times or more.

Keep re-reading and correcting until you can't find any more mistakes. Of course you'll have to know a lot.

And here's maybe the best advice you'll ever get: Go for brevity. Many amateur writers think the longer they can make a sentence the better. Well it's not. The opposite is true. Overloading your sentences with gratuitous adjectives just makes them tedious. Good luck to you!

This is just my two cents, but he was way too cooperative. You would expect him to laugh and make shit out of his little sister, until things start to happen. He wakes up with a funny taste in his mouth, or a cage on his dick, or his underwear disappears. He fights her every step of the way, but she slowly chips away at him until he becomes her slave. I guess I thought it would be more adversarial. He's always pushed his little sister around, but soon she'll be doing the pushing. It's a great idea, just a little too much cooperation.

Dangling participle correction: for which money had been left.

I just wanted to BE stepped on . . .

Not really into this, but you did ask.

After seeing the above my suggestion, which I have adopted from another literotica.com commentor, is to record yourself reading your text, then . . , play tennis recording while reading along. Little faux pas will highlight themselves for your correction.

As mentionned, not my resume

Thing but I did give you a four ( 4 ) rating as you have done an admirable job.

I liked it, but it really didn't go far enough. I want her to end up begging for his cock. Ordinarily, point out every grammatical error, it's better for you to find them, How? Proofread. Proofread once, beginning to end, making corrections. Then proofread it again, you will still find mistakes, Correct them and read it again. Do this until you can't find any. I usually do this about six times before I don't find any mistakes. It's the only way.

Well, You've sold that bitchy character. I Like your description. Don't call it a "vagina". That's the actual opening. What you're describing is her "vulva" if you insist on being clinical. I prefer "pussy". It's so erotic. Stay away from twat cunt and beaver unless you mean to be insulting. I hope there's a lot more coming.