Finding Her Place

"Gabby, you really seem to love this house."

"I guess I really do. It holds lots of memories for me."

He looked around. "Yeah, but it's so expensive, isn't it?"

"Cain, we've been through this before. Yes, it's expensive, but it's building equity."

"What the hell is equity?" he asked, laughing.

I sighed. I thought we'd gone over this before, but maybe not. But the attorney had explained it all to me very carefully after the funeral, and I had decided to keep the house despite its consigning me to a state of poverty.

"Part of my monthly payment goes to the bank as interest on the house loan, but another part reduces the amount of the loan, and eventually, the house will be mine."

"You have to pay for stuff, don't you? I mean, if things break, you have to pay for them. And it sounds like at least part of the house is yours right now."

"You could say it that way, I guess."

"Sell the house and celebrate."

"A little fun, and I'd have nothing." I was becoming more disenchanted with Cain. He never seemed to look more than one day ahead.

"I don't know. Maybe so. Ready for some beer?"

Beer... and probably sex. That's the way it worked out.

~~~

I called Kris because I didn't know what else to do.

"Good morning, Gabby. Is everything okay?"

"Not really. I'm sick, and I'm going to go to the clinic to get a Covid test. If it's negative, I'll be in to work. If it's positive, I'll let you know."

"Be careful, and don't worry about it."

How could I not worry? If I lost five days of wages, I'd be in trouble. I might survive five days, but not much more. Maybe Cain was right, and I should sell the house and get a. little apartment somewhere. I might be disciplined enough to stash the money and... or I might not. But I felt like shit and needed to get to the clinic.

I was miserable driving there and had to stop and puke one time. Damn Covid. I finally arrived, they swabbed me... and I waited.

"Well, Ms. Sampson, good news. The Covid test was negative," the nurse said. She looked at me when I didn't move. "But you're still sick, and we need to get to the bottom of that. Describe your symptoms."

I described how I'd felt the past several days.

"Is that all?" she asked, smiling.

"Well, on the way here, I had to stop in a parking lot and puke."

"Could you be pregnant?"

"No." I thought of Cain and his box of condoms.

"Well, a test won't hurt then, and I'd feel better if we did that. It would eliminate one possibility."

I was more interested in eliminating my sickness rather than possibilities. But this was free, and I'd do what they told me to do. She led me to a bathroom door.

"Do you think you can pee right now?"

"I was about to ask where the restroom was."

She chuckled. "That's good. Take this with you, pee into the toilet for a few seconds, then pee on this for five or ten seconds. Yell when you're through, and I'll come in, and we'll check it together.

I did as directed, peed on the stick, and yelled. The nurse came in, and we looked at it together, just as she'd suggested. We waited a moment.

"See that line?"

It was bright and easy to see.

"You're pregnant."

I looked at her. "What?"

"You're pregnant." She smiled.

Of all the things in the world I could be, pregnant wasn't one of them. We'd always used a condom.

"We always used a condom," I muttered.

"That usually works, but not always. Are you sure you never, well, forgot?"

"No, I had the box at my place and..."

Suddenly, there was a memory -- that first date with Cain. I was drunk and naked and not remembering things. Do you suppose?

I looked at the nurse.

"Are you okay, hon?" she asked, a concerned look on her face.

"Well, I know what's wrong, and I think I just figured out why it's wrong."

"We have people here who can help you work your way through this and help you along the way, too."

"Thanks, I dunno, maybe."

"Here, let me get you something." She was back in a few seconds. "Here's a half-dozen gummies that should help with the nausea. Take one when you need to, but no more than four in a day. Check with your doctor because he may be able to give you something, too. And you need to see him so you get off on the right foot with this pregnancy."

I took the gummies, thanked her again, and headed to my car. I didn't have a doctor to go see and no money to pay him or her if I did. I sat in the car, staring out the window and chewing one of the gummies. I was pregnant. I looked down at my belly. Something was growing in there, a tiny boy or a tiny girl. It was impossible because I'd had no plans for that, but it seemed to be true.

I drove to work.

"So, no Covid, I guess," Kris said when I walked in. "But you don't look too happy."

"I feel a little better, but not really good."

"Did they tell you what might be wrong?"

An innocent enough question, but the tears came almost instantly. Kris ushered me quickly into her tiny office, sat me down, and waited.

"I'm pregnant," I finally got out.

"I didn't know you had a boyfriend," she said very matter-of-factly.

Now, I was embarrassed along with my other problem and not sure how to handle either of them.

"Um, he's... this is hard... not really a boyfriend. Maybe he is kind of a boyfriend, I guess, just not someone I was planning to spend the rest of my life with."

"And you had an accident?"

"I think the accident was that I got a little too drunk and didn't realize what I was doing. Just one time, Kris. Just one damn time!" I was suddenly angry that fate had picked on me.

"That's all it takes, hon. It's not a cumulative thing. And I'm sorry. Why don't you just go home and think about what you're going to do? Maybe some family could help you, somehow."

"I think I'd rather work, Kris. I need the money, and I need to let my brain recover."

"Fine with me, and if there's anything I can do to help, be sure to let me know."

"Thanks, and I will."

I went to the restroom and freshened up a little, then went to work. I still had six hours to go, maybe eight. We were busy, which was doubly good; it would keep me busy, and it would provide more tips. I tried not to appear distracted, but it was difficult to concentrate.

Kris had mentioned family, but she didn't know. My family consisted of Aunt Nicole and Uncle Sean Jenkins. Aunt Nicole was Mom's only sister and was seven years younger. They stayed with me after the accident and had been a huge help. They lived about two hours away, but I seldom saw them. Nicole would call once a month or so, but my life was so boring we had little to talk about. I wasn't sure yet. It was overwhelming.

When I got home, I called Cain.

"Hey, Gabby, want to get together soon?"

"I don't know, Cain. I was sick today."

"I'm sorry. What's wrong?" He chuckled. "I hope I didn't catch it from you."

If he'd been here, I might have hit him.

"No worries. It's morning sickness."

A pause.

" Morning sickness?"

"Yeah, you get it when you're pregnant."

"Oh, shit, Gabby. You're pregnant?"

"We always used a condom, right?"

"Yeah, we did."

"Always?"

When he didn't reply, I knew I was right.

"You fucked me on that first date when I was too drunk to know what was happening."

"I did, but you were telling me what you wanted me to do to you next. And that's what I did. Honest, Gabby. You were enjoying it."

I wanted to say he was lying, but I didn't think he could lie that convincingly. In my beer fog, I probably was enjoying the sex.

"You going to get an abortion?" he asked a little too quickly.

"What, you don't want to be a father?"

"Probably neither of us do."

"Do you have fifteen or twenty thousand dollars to pay for an abortion?"

Cain snorted. "I'm having trouble paying my rent."

"Well, there won't be any abortion, then."

There was another pause.

"Listen, Gabby, I need to leave for work. I'll get back to you."

The phone cut off.

I didn't sleep well that night, had trouble staying awake at work, and had to run to the restroom twice to puke.

Cain didn't call.

The next day, tired of waiting, I called him.

I'm sorry, but this number is no longer in service. Message number seventy-three

That son-of-a-bitch wasn't even going to hang around to see how things went. I stopped by his place to check and ran into his neighbor just leaving for work.

"Have you seen Cain today?"

"Nope, and probably won't be seeing him tomorrow, either."

"Um, how's that?"

"People saw him throwing stuff in his car last night. He told them he was moving and wouldn't be back."

"Thanks," I said and jumped into my car. I guess it was me against the world now.

~~~

I waited three days and called.

"Hello."

"Hello, Aunt Nicole."

"Oh my gosh, Gabby, it's so good to hear your voice. How is everything?"

I knew she'd ask that, but I hoped she'd wait a few minutes before she did. I hated to dump on my aunt immediately.

"Well, they've been better," I answered, trying not to sound too dramatic.

"I'm sorry. What's going on?"

I took a deep breath. "I'm pregnant."

"Since you said things have been better, I guess you're not happy about being pregnant."

"That's pretty much it, I'm afraid."

"Since you're calling me, I assume you're not engaged or anything."

"It's a weird story, Aunt Nicole. I can tell you about it if you'd like."

"Listen, Gabby, today is Friday, and if it's okay with you, Sean and I will be there in the morning, and we can figure out how to help."

"Oh my gosh, Aunt Nicole, you don't have to do that." My house certainly wasn't ready for visitors.

"Listen, Gabby, we're all adults, so drop the Aunt. Just call me Nicole, and the same for Sean."

"Are you sure?"

"We'll be there by ten or a little after."

"Thanks, um, Nicole. You're wonderful."

She laughed. "We'll find out tomorrow."

"Bye, Nicole."

"See you tomorrow, Gabby."

I had some cleaning to do in the spare bedroom. And the rest of the house, too. Nicole and Sean weren't fussy in the least, but she'd said we were adults, and I wanted the house to look like an adult lived there. Good enough, I decided at midnight and went to bed.

Somehow, the idea of Nicole and Sean coming to visit soothed me, and I slept better than I'd been sleeping the last few days. I was already wishing that they lived closer as I knew I could really use family support in the next few months, and they were the only family I had.

It was ten past ten when they arrived, and it only took a hug from Nicole for the tears to start. I was embarrassed, hopelessly lost, and completely without plans for my immediate or long-term future, and it felt so good as she hugged me tightly.

Sean was more practical. "Have you had breakfast, Gabby?"

"Um, no. I was finishing up my cleaning."

"I'll run out and pick something up. You and Nicole can stay here and talk." He gave his wife a kiss and was out the door.

"Well, Gabs, where would you like to start?"

"I don't know, it's so unexpected and such a mess. I'm sure you're wondering about the father." I snorted. "You're not going to think very highly of me after I tell you about him." I took a deep breath. "I guess I should start at the beginning. The guy's name is Cain, and I met him at the Dairy Queen where he worked. Anyway, we got along well, had no money, and hung out together. We had a date, he had a six-pack of beer, and we had sex, even though I'm fuzzy about that."

"No protection?" Nicole questioned.

"No, not that time. I didn't know it was going to happen, and I guess I was too drunk to know to stop it. He swears... oh, shit... that I was telling him what to do. Sex was, well, fun." I couldn't look at Nicole when I said that. "We were always careful about protection later. The stupid six-pack caused this."

"I'm so sorry, Gabby, because this is going to complicate your life."

"I've been thinking a lot the last couple of days, and I don't know what to do. I'll get a big belly, and people will wonder, but I'll handle that. Somehow, the baby will be born, but after that, I'm lost."

"You have to work, but you still don't have enough money."

Nicole had me pegged pretty well, and I hoped she might have a few helpful suggestions. But they'd have to wait as Sean was back with breakfast.

He'd gotten the works: scrambled eggs, bacon, hash browns, and a large container of still-hot coffee.

"This is wonderful, Sean. So good."

We talked family talk while we ate. I learned that Sean had received two promotions in quick succession, which had given them a lot more money than they were used to.

"We're stashing away every penny we can."

She stopped suddenly and looked at Sean, who nodded.

"I'm almost afraid to tell you what Sean and I have talked about. It's far out. Very far out."

"Nicole, I don't have plans or options, so I want to hear whatever you've got."

"Since you said that, I assume you've rejected abortion."

"Yes, definitely. This baby needs to be born."

"We're saving to try in vitro, and it's very, very expensive. We've been told at least $15,000. It's going to take a couple of years to get there." She looked at Sean again. "How about, when your baby is born, we take him or her to give you a chance to recover, and we'll give you money to get some training and keep you fed."

I just sat there, trying to digest what Nicole had said.

"But... but you're saving so you can have one of your own. You can't be giving me money."

"We're family, Gabby. What's more important than that?"

The tears started again. I wasn't used to hearing words like that with Mom and Dad gone.

"Besides, Gabs, those are just details. There's an important question hanging in the air."

Yeah, the question. Everything had happened so quickly I hadn't had time to think about a lot of things. But letting Sean and Nicole take the baby was certainly not something I'd considered. There was no doubt about what my heart was saying, but there was more to it than just my heart. I was going to be a mother, and I wanted to be a mother. But if I put myself in the baby's place, what would I want and need?

The question was still hanging.

"It's simple but complicated," Nicole suggested. "There would be things to work out, but I think we can do that."

Somehow, it made sense. And if I got some kind of training, it wouldn't be for long, maybe just a year. After that, a lifetime.

"Okay."

~~~

Having Sean and Nicole there certainly helped me begin to accept my situation. I might as well accept it and embrace it because it wasn't going to change. We talked seriously about what I might study, and it looked like becoming an EMT might fit me. And with a little more study, I could progress to paramedic. I'd always wanted to do something that would help or benefit people, and becoming an EMT would point me in that direction.

They had to head home finally, and I was by myself again. Kris said she'd help me all she could with my shifts if I wanted to start my training right away, and that would certainly help.

When I began to show, I received lots of comments, mostly positive and encouraging, but not all. I was tired all the time but not sick any longer. I had lots of moments when I wondered if I'd done the right thing, but they'd already paid about $2,000 for my training, so there was no turning back now.

I completed the training at eight and a half months and then the certification exam.

"Honey, I think you're going to need an EMT or more yourself before long," the lady administering the exam said when I'd finished.

"I hope so, maybe yet today or tomorrow at the latest." I laughed hard enough that I think I leaked a few drops of pee; not the first time it had happened.

I delivered one day before my official due date, and the doctors and nurses said I was very lucky. I was in labor for slightly less than ninety minutes, and when they said push, I pushed, and Danny was born.

There was no father to cut the cord, and suddenly, there was a tiny bundle on my chest crying loudly, the most wonderful sound I'd heard since my mother and father were killed. He was so warm and helpless, and I held him gently but tightly for a few more moments before they took him away and finished taking care of me.

In my room, I called Nicole.

"Gabby?" she said, a question in her voice.

"There's a new little boy in the world, Nicole."

"That's wonderful. We can be there in two hours... if you'd like."

I caught the hesitation and concern in her voice.

"That would be wonderful," I assured her. By myself, I wasn't sure what I'd be able to do with a new baby, even though I knew that when they left, I'd be alone again.

I was exhausted and wondered how women survived long labor. I asked them to wake me when Nicole and Sean arrived and to bring Danny in, too.

I slept soundly until I heard Nicole's voice.

"Hey, Gabs, the nurse said she's going to bring Danny to the room in about five minutes."

I felt groggy, but Nicole raised the head of the bed.

"Thanks, and hi, Sean."

"You look tired but happy," he said.

I was happy but almost in pain as well. It was mental and emotional pain, and there were no aspirin or injections that could cure it. I hoped that work, time, and my own mind could straighten me out. I knew I'd soon find out if that was true.

"Here comes the boy," the nurse said. "Are you ready for him, Mom?"

"I am," I said, smiling at the tiny head, barely visible in the bundle I was being handed. He was asleep, the most beautiful and precious thing I'd ever seen, let alone held.

"He's beautiful, Gabs."

"Would you like to hold him?" Those were difficult words to say, given the circumstances.

"You hold him, Gabby."

I could see how nervous both of them were. She needed to hold him.

"Come get him, Nicole." I extended the bundle toward her.

She didn't need more encouragement and quickly took him from me, the smile on her face both radiant and gentle at the same time.

"Have you found out any more about your in vitro?"

Nicole looked surprised at my change of subject. She took a deep breath.

"We're gathering our money, and it's building faster than we'd anticipated. Maybe eight months to a year. We've already been meeting to gather information."

"That must be exciting," I said, watching Nicole as she held Danny, especially the look on her face and in her eyes. I knew he'd be well taken care of.

They stayed a short while longer. I had Sean get the house key from my purse, and they were off. I was alone with Danny once again.

I tried to talk them into letting me go home the next day, but they demurred, wanting me to spend at least one full day in the hospital. Nicole and Sean came in the afternoon, and Sean had his turn holding Danny. They were ready to pick me up in the morning, which they did, Danny tucked neatly into the brand-new car bed, and I belted in tightly beside him.

Once home, I saw the also brand new travel bed they'd set up for Danny's one night in this house. Tomorrow, they'd be heading home.

That evening, Sean picked up a delicious dinner.

"We thought you'd be good and hungry after the hospital."

"They brought food, and I nibbled, but nothing tasted good. This is delicious, partly because it's here in this house, I'm sure." It felt a little like a last meal, even though I knew that, at least in the short term, this was best for Danny. Plus, In five days, I'd be starting my first EMT assignment.

I cried for an hour after they left. Nicole had shown me photos of the nursery they'd set up, and it was beautiful and seemed to be perfect. I washed the sheets and redid the spare bedroom. When I'd opened the refrigerator this morning, I found an envelope that held ten fifty dollar bills. A few more tears, not too many this time, and I went out to breakfast, filled the car with gas, and stocked up on food. With what was left, I picked up the special clothing I'd need as an EMT.