Finding Tears in the Rain Ch. 04

"I told you already, I can't. I'm trying to finish this paper so I can start studying for my mid-terms."

"But we haven't had any fun for three days in a row now."

He knew that she was using "fun" as a euphemism.

But I'm too distracted. I can't put school out of my mind. Sex now would just be perfunctory. She'd be bound to be disappointed.

The last two weeks had been the best of his life. It had been like living inside a pornographic movie. He couldn't bear the thought of not performing up to the standards they'd set for each other.

"I promise. No later than Sunday. Probably Saturday."

"But I'm bored."

He felt his temper fraying. Gen had been especially wearisome since yesterday.

I'll try one last time.

"Until I graduate, there are going to be three times every semester that I'll be too busy for our normal routine. The week preceding mid-terms, the one before finals, and the week of the exams. It can't be helped. It's like the sun rising in the east and Christmas falling on the 25th of December. Facts. Immutable and inevitable. Are you willing to accept this?"

He could tell from the blank look in her eyes that she hated to hear him being analytical about things having to do with their relationship.

"You don't understand how I feel."

That brought him to his feet. He abandoned his books and sat next to her on the bed. Putting his arms around her shoulders, he hugged her tightly and kissed her lips.

"Of course I do. I feel the same," he whispered into her ear. "Please, think of something you'd like to do next Saturday night and Sunday. If we can afford to do it, we will, no matter what."

She put her face into his chest and muttered. "I don't care about money and doing things that need it. I just want you to myself for a part of the day. The best part of the day." She ran her hand up his chest and around the back his head. She pulled him toward her for a passionate kiss. When she broke the kiss, she said, "I've never loved a man before. I don't understand how you don't feel the same way."

"But I do."

Christ. How can I make her comprehend?

"I'm here to accomplish something. It's 1980 and I'm already twenty-two. It's taking me longer than others because I have to work full time. If I succeed, if I graduate with honors, it'll be a big step. You know I have to do well in order to get accepted into law school. And after, there'll be times of intensive effort, just like now. And, if I get to be a lawyer, it'll be the same way, only it won't go according to a plan. It'll be more chaotic. That's the way life is."

"So, you mean this is as good as it's gonna get?"

Nothing he'd said had gotten through to her. He couldn't stop himself from being terse. "Would you rather I punched a time clock for a minimum wage job for the rest of my life? You wanna try to live decently on that? What could we afford? Never a new car, always something just this side of the junkyard. Never a house. Maybe a repossessed trailer in a fucking trailer park because we couldn't afford any land."

His voice rose as he spoke. "This is how professional people live. They have to dedicate themselves to their career. It's the same for people in business. It's just how life is. If you want to accomplish things, you have to put in the time."

She pulled away from him, got under the covers and turned toward the wall. When she remained silent for several moments, he got up and returned to the kitchen table and his books.

"I'll come home for dinner at the regular time, but until the end of next week, I'm going to return to the library until it closes."

Because I obviously can't get anything done here.

She didn't respond.

He said, "Tomorrow's Friday. I won't need my car. Why don't you take it and go visit your friends? Or invite them over? I don't mind. I know it's hard on you being alone without me so much."

"I don't have any money," she answered in a quiet voice.

"Take twenty dollars out of the emergency fund in the desk drawer. You don't need to worry about gas. I filled up on the way home tonight."

"Okay. Thanks."

Maybe that'll satisfy her for tonight.

*****

The next morning, as usual, Gen woke up alone. Tom was an early riser and a bowl of cereal satisfied him for breakfast. He had begun grinding his coffee beans the night before so as not to disturb her in the morning. Until yesterday, his concern for not disturbing her had struck her as endearing. This morning she found herself wishing that he'd awakened her.

At least we would've had a few minutes together.

She felt morose and ungrateful. Not only was she living with a man that she loved, he didn't expect her to contribute financially. He hadn't told to quit her job but he did say, "If you hate that job as much as you say you do, I won't fuss if you quit it." Yet here she sat, wallowing in self-pity because the kind, generous and handsome man that she loved hadn't paid attention to her for most of the week and, after a promised brief interlude this weekend, would repeat the performance the following week.

So, now I know; love is a rollercoaster.

The wish that she'd never met Tom began to form in her mind but she dismissed it immediately.

No, never that. He doesn't deserve that. It's not his fault I'm such a mess.

Following Tom's suggestion, she dialed Nancy's number. They'd been roommates in the dorm, then friends, then co-workers at the Corral Club until the lack of business had forced Bob to cut back. She hadn't spoken to Nancy since the day after she'd met Tom and told her that Tom had invited her to move in with him.

"Shit, Gen that was fast. I thought you had some kind of policy or rule against getting too involved with any man. 'They're good for a bounce and that's about it. More trouble than they're worth otherwise.' I'd swear that was a Gen quote."

Gen had laughed and replied, "Sweetheart, all I can say is that every bitch has her day. If not for his belly and his teeth he'd be a fucking movie star. And he's good enough in bed to make a nun wanna slap the pope. But that's not the most important thing. He looks at me, not my tits or my legs. He wants me, not just my pussy. When I talk he listens."

Nancy laughed. "Most guys act like they listen before sex. It's just part of the game called 'hide the sausage.'"

Gen got earnest. "No, it's not that. We discussed literature, you know, themes, character development and world-building. And then afterward, well ..."

"Well what? Did ya'll talk after sex? Now that would really be something."

"I cried. I don't mean I got a little teary and sniffed. I mean snot running out of my nose and spit drooling from my mouth and beating on his chest crying and sobbing."

"Shit, why? What did he do?"

"He didn't do anything to trigger it. And when it started, he just held me and kissed my head and said, 'Let it all out. I'm here,' and stuff like that."

"Damn, girlfriend, a lot of guys would've freaked out. What happened after that?"

"You won't believe it, but he made me herb tea and fed me really good chocolate chip cookies, you know, the soft kind. And he encouraged me to talk, but not about the crying, just whatever I wanted to talk about. So I asked him about himself and eventually he got me to laughing so hard I choked. Then we made love again. And it was just so good. When I had an orgasm I couldn't help myself. I told him I loved him."

Nancy just stared as if she were astonished. Then she asked, "What were you crying about?"

"A lot of things. Gran for one, and the fact that I have to start repaying loans next year, and my job sucks, and I have no money, and I owe you rent for this month and can't pay. Good thing Randy's moving in with you. But mostly, I think, I just couldn't believe my feelings for him. I mean, shit, how can something like that happen so fast?"

Nancy paused before saying, "It might be that you're ripe for the picking, emotionally, I mean. With all you're going through and all the men you've been with and what did that ever get you? I'll tell you right now, I've always been worried about you. I mean, you've got a good heart, but you haven't been able to let it show. Then, this 'Mr. Perfect' comes along and does everything, and I really mean every-fucking-thing, right. You know, this love at first sight is mostly bullshit.

"Usually the guy shows the girl that he's interested and the girl decides to give him a chance, which is really just a chance to see how quick he can fuck it all up, but it's the girl that does the choosing and that usually is a decision at some level. I mean, glands play a part, but there is at least some brain activity going on. But with you, it seems to be all glandular, you think?"

"No, it's not just my glands. The whole time I was saying to myself, 'but this can't be real, he can't be this good, I can't really be feeling this way,' and shit like that. I was fighting it with my brain, but he would stare into my eyes, like he was trying to probe my soul and I couldn't shake the feeling that it was all real.

"And then the way that he comforted me. He wasn't worried that he'd done anything wrong. I mean, he didn't try to make it about him. For him it was all about me. It's like he's the best friend possible and a great, really great lover.

"And holy shit, he even cooks. This morning for breakfast he made what he calls Mediterranean omelets. Flipping the eggs and all. He stuffed them with sautéed spinach and mushrooms and feta cheese. And he grinds his own coffee beans and brews the coffee with a French press. It was the best breakfast I ever ate. And he's cooking a fancy dinner for us tonight.

"And you should hear the way he talks. You know how Beauchamp people sound like they're from New Orleans? And his vocabulary. He's just so intelligent. And sensitive, but in a strong, manly way. And he's so cute, but not perfect. So he's real. He's a dream come true.

"I think I was mainly crying out of fear that he'd find out about how many men I've been with and be disgusted with me. I mean, if you found out that Randy had fucked twenty or so women over the past three years, would you want him? Wouldn't it make you doubt that he'd stay true to you?"

Nancy had nodded and said, "I see your point. Do you ever plan to tell him?"

"No. He hates lies, I can tell that much from things he's said. If the subject ever comes up, I'll just refuse to talk about my past."

Nancy shrugged and said, "Well, I hope it works out. But, do you doubt that you can stay true to him?"

"I don't want anybody else. But you know how I get when I get bored and depressed. I guess I'll have to do my best to not get the blues."

*****

And now, here I am, bored and blue. God, I hope an afternoon with Nancy will help.

She heard a voice she knew on the other end. "Hello."

"Hi, Nancy, this is Gen. You free this afternoon?"

"Hey, Gen. I don't have to be at work until six. But I already made a date with Jasmine for lunch. I'm sure she wouldn't mind if you came along. You'd like her."

"Who is she?"

"She's my new lab partner. Since you quit I've been going it alone, but hers quit last week, so the professor put us together. You'll love her. She's really pretty and funny, in a cynical sarcastic way. Reminds me a little of you."

"Okay, then. Sounds like fun. Where do you want to meet?"

"The Burger Palace? Can you get there by eleven so we can beat the lunch rush?"

"That's a good idea. See you then."

*****

"No shit? I never heard of a guy doing that, I mean, not exactly. No wonder you moved in the next day."

Jasmine looked average all over. Height, weight, brown hair, and dark eyes. But Gen found nothing average about her at all. She projected a unique style, from her choice in clothing to her pageboy hair style and her frank and open manner.

Not to mention she smiles all the time.

She had probed Gen for information on her new miracle man. "Nancy told me about him, you know, just girl talk over test tubes in the lab, but, come on, share the details."

And the more I share, the more she wants to know.

Gen had even described Tom's technique in giving oral sex. Nancy's big eyes expressed the fact that she was impressed. But Jasmine flashed a knowing expression. Her only surprise was the fact that a man had done it. That struck Gen as curious.

Does Jasmine like girls?

Gen asked, "So, do you have a boyfriend at the moment?"

"No, not at the moment. Frankly I don't have the spare time for regular relationship. Some men can be so needy. They complain about us being needy when a lot of the time it's the other way around." She giggled, as if the thought amused her and Nancy joined her. Gen didn't.

"I hope I didn't strike a sore spot. You ok?" Jasmine's smile turned into a frown of concern.

Gen shrugged. "Before I met Tom, I would've agreed with you all the way. But he's the first guy I ever felt this way about, and now I'm the needy one."

Oozing sympathy, Jasmine asked, "Why do you say that, sweetheart?"

"He's studying for mid-terms now and he's ignored me all week. He's promised to spend time with me this weekend, but next week he'll be taking exams. And the whole thing will repeat itself starting the week after Thanksgiving. I'm bored and depressed."

"I see. Well, there's two ways to approach it and they're not mutually exclusive. One is to tempt the living hell out of him and the other is spend time with other people."

"I've been trying to tempt him, but he doesn't want me touching him. He knows where it'll lead and he asked me not to when I tried. That's what led to our, well, I wouldn't call it a fight, but it was a disagreement of sorts."

"Sweetheart, I don't mean that you should touch him. Do you have any sexy lingerie?"

"Like what?"

"Well, anything. Racy/lacy bra and panty set, garter belt and stockings, sheer nightie, stuff like that."

"No. I never needed anything like that before. I never had a lot of spare money for such things. I've never been with the same guy for more than a couple of nights, mostly just a single night. So, there was never time for it to get stale. Isn't that what such things do, spice things up when they're cooling off?"

"Partly, but you'd be amazed at how good they make you feel wearing them. I mean, with those boobs of yours, I'll bet you're used to seeing men's eyes bulge, right? And it makes you feel sexy, like you're in control?"

"Yes."

"Well, think about that, only doubled, maybe more. There's something about a girl in 'slut-wear' that makes a man an absolute slave to his cock. And all you have to do is stand or sit there in it. You don't even have to look at him. Better if you don't. You've made the first move by showing him every man's fantasy. Ignoring his gaze while you read a magazine with your legs crossed and your foot wiggling will only heighten the tension, in a good way. There's not one man in a hundred who can resist that, so long as he really wants you in the first place."

Gen looked at Nancy. Nancy nodded and said, "I've got this one lacy baby doll nighty with a short and sheer robe. If Randy's been neglecting me, that neglect ends the moment he sees me in it. I'd listen to Jasmine."

Gen asked, "How much does that stuff cost? Where can you buy it?"

"It's not as expensive as you'd think. And there's a small shop on the edge of town that has a good variety. Let's go there now."

Nancy shook her head. "I can't. I've got to finish a report before I go to work tonight. But you two go on. It'll be fun, Gen. You need some fun."

"But I don't have that kind of money."

Jasmine smiled and reached for Gen's hand. "Let's just go and see some possibilities. If you find something special, I might make you a present. I like you and I've got plenty of money. Come on."

Leaving enough cash on the table to cover the meal and the tip, Jasmine rose up and took Gen by the hand. Nancy said, "Jasmine's right, Gen. Let her treat you. God knows after the shit you've been through this fall you could use another friend." She kissed Gen on the cheek and gave her a quick hug before getting into her car and driving away.

Still holding Gen's hand, Jasmine rubbed it with her thumb and said, "You'll have to drive. I came here with Nancy."