Finding the Perfect Fit Pt. 22

"Why is every place in this town called Heights? It's flat as shit here!" Jamie said, making me pause in reading a paragraph about how a living room in a duplex had nearly fallen into what appeared to be a sinkhole.

"I mean, there's some taller buildings downtown? I think one of those is an apartment complex," I said despite never being in any of those tall, modern buildings.

"Okay, yeah, that one makes sense. But these names all suck! Just stop embellishing and tell me if anyone's been stabbed on your property!" I snorted at his annoyance, trying to cover up just how much I missed having this on a consistent basis. Soon enough, this would be every day but right then, it seemed so fucking far.

"Yeah, I'm not interested in renting a place at the Crime Pit." Jamie laughed; the sound was wonderful but was cut short by a knock, a deeper voice speaking, and Jamie responding while trying not to sound annoyed and failing. That was the only time I'd heard his Dad's voice and I had to bite my tongue to keep from shouting that he was a fucking jackass. I heard the door close, followed by a sigh.

"Jesus, apparently talking with you was making too much noise and he was worried." I sat there, fingers hovering over the keys and rolling those words around in my head.

"Worried? About what? That you were talking to no one? Someone broke in? What the fuck?!" Jamie gave another sigh in place of an answer.

"I don't know, he's been a pain in the ass lately. The other day, I was just hanging out in my room with a skimpy shirt on 'cause it's so fucking hot out; he comes in without knocking and tells me to get dressed. I tell him I am then he flies off the handle saying I'm not going to be like this while living under his roof and I'm just...man, what is his deal?" Listening to that at least informed me I wasn't the only one having issues this summer, but being apart, there was only so much comfort we could provide to each other.

"Another month, Jamie. We gotta find a place then I'll scope it out, make sure it looks fine, and we'll do the paperwork." I pulled up the document of all the crap we needed as Jamie remained silent. "Is Tom still helping you move? And donating a couch?"

"Yes to both. He's also offered to run my Dad over with his truck so, you know, that's on the table." His droll tone said he wasn't too amused by it but I could easily see Tom doing just that.

"Okay..." We started to divvy up who was buying what and by the end of the call we'd been going on for two hours and it felt so natural to just hang out with him. I wanted to ask if we could meet up and be done with this isolation but Jamie had requested this and I had to be adult about it. Even if it meant gritting my teeth and breathing deep before telling Jamie I loved him and wishing him a good day.

Shit got done and I have an address for one Rustic Heights, a name that Jamie loathed but fit all of his requirements and looked nice without being too expensive. Although five hundred a month seemed monstrous to me, the split was only 250. We can do this. I can make it; only another month. I got this.

I got this.

July 4

Yay, it's Explosion Day. I had to push myself at the gas station tonight, stocking the cooler 'cause we were running out of everything and ended up staying an hour over. Called Dad and told him to take the family out to a fireworks show without me as I wasn't interested in it, and being in the cold with music blaring in my ears was about the best time I could hope for.

There's still shit blowing up outside and will be until the early hours of the morning. Fuck, I'm tired but at least this one is earned rather than going to both jobs and getting worn down. No, I had a job to do and killed it.

And I get to go back and do it again tomorrow. Cool.

July 8

What am I supposed to say here? That I took a wicked shit today? I helped Dad pull the engine out of a new car and found out someone had written 'The Fuckinator' on the side in Sharpie. Even Dick squinted at that before shaking his head and walking away.

I'm getting more stuff figured out on my other story and it's keeping me going. That and watching the odd black and white movie when I have a few hours to kill, not minding the lack of color at all.

Man, fuck this! I'm just going back to my story 'cause that doesn't leave me feeling depressed and lonely; if I scroll up far enough in this document I can see better times. And I don't need that right now; I need purpose to keep me going here and the act of creating does that. Recital when it's boring shit only brings me down.

July 14

Min Seo texted me today, asking if I would be able to take a look at her car 'cause it's having issues. I told her to bring it by my parent's place later in the day as I had that night off from the gas station and wanted a nap before going back to work. I told Dad that a friend was coming over and he just nodded, knowing how it was to be the mechanic in a circle of friends.

Once she came over, I heard her car knocking and I went to work, digging around under the hood and finding a fan that was all sorts of fucked up. Dad went looking online for the part and hopped in his car to go pick it up before the auto store closed, leaving me alone with her as I started checking fluids. We talked for a while, mostly about the anime convention and her helping someone with next year's costume.

"Are you doing anything tonight?" She asked me, sitting on a stool as I topped off her windshield wiper fluid.

"Sleeping." Screwing the cap back on, I sighed and tried to keep from rubbing my face. Even a naked Min Seo with hundred dollar bills hanging off her nipples wouldn't be enough to keep me awake much longer. "Sorry Min Seo, I'm worn out and have both jobs tomorrow."

"I understand." Her quiet voice made me sigh, as if I was letting her down. "No, I do. I spend most of my time at my family's store. Get some rest." She came over and hugged me while I just stood there, holding the plastic container of blue liquid as tears began to sting my eyes. She looked up at me and asked if I was alright.

"Yeah, just..." And I had nothing else to say, my brain unable to translate the summer into words. "Thanks."

"Thank you for fixing my car." I walked across the garage and placed the wiper fluid where it belonged, taking a moment to breathe once I was there and heard my Dad return home.

"Hey, I know what you ladies crave and it's a new fan!" Holding a box aloft over his head as if it was some relic that belonged in a museum, my Dad placed it on the front bumper and got to work. I went to help him and he just waved me away. "Gen, you look like you need supper and three days' bed rest. See if ya Mom's done cooking yet. Ya wanna stay and eat?" I left as Min Seo was trying to decline his offer, finding that Mom had made a massive amount of spaghetti and the smell made my mouth water.

I served up a plate and walked back to the garage while eating, finding Dad was giving the car a once-over; it was running and no longer making that bad knocking sound. Min Seo thanked Dad and I before backing out of the garage, driving away into the growing gloom of the night.

"Is she the one your dating?" I shook my head, mouth too full to speak. "En, probably for the best. She's too polite to fit in round here." Then he swiped a dangling noodle off my plate as we walked out, Dad flipping the lights off as I ate.

Not long after that, I showered and crashed. I'm writing this the day after and am not happy about how fragile I felt last night. Just a little longer and I can get back to school and only one job. How fucking sad is it that college is going to be a relief?

July 19

Tired, bored, horny, and lonely. I brought my laptop with me and drove all over town before parking at some downtown restaurant to type in the growing darkness with the street lights on and people walking and driving by. I'm on the outside but still want to be a part of this.

But I don't want to walk out there alone; I want to share these beautiful streets with someone else. But I have to leave soon, I have work in the morning and what fucking good is money if I feel this shitty with so much of it?

July 25

I broke today. There's no other word for it, I just...couldn't - can't.

Dammit I started crying again! Fuck, I hate feeling like this and trying to type while wiping my eyes sucks!

Okay, I'm not sure I can actually cry anymore without my eyes falling out of my skull. Got some music playing, so hopefully I can write and figure out what happened earlier. I was at the shop, working like normal when Dick came by and told me I needed to clean up The Room, a little place in the back of the shop that stored a bunch of tools that weren't commonly needed, along with a wooden bench and stool combination that boasted heavy scars. If something small and annoying needed to be taken apart, it was usually brought back to The Room. It also had its own radio, which meant that hanging out there wasn't too uncommon, especially late at night. I'd done some reading and homework there when Mom came to spend time with Dad on particularly busy weekends; the smells of the shop mixed with ancient cigarette smoke was always a pleasant memory for me.

But most of the guys didn't pick up after themselves and all manner of shit had been building up back there for weeks.

"I'm askin' ya to do it not 'cause ya a girl but 'cause they never learned to put their toys up." Dick gestured towards the mechanics, all four of them working and not paying him any mind.

"No problem." It really wasn't and I stopped sweeping, having been cleaning anyway and didn't mind getting some alone time. Walking to the back corner, I frowned at the black and white picture someone had put over the door, a strange looking man that gazed out with an expression I'd never been able to read. The guy, I forget his name, made a shitty movie called The Room, so now I had to contend with that face anytime I went back there.

Inside was a wreck, with tools having not been put back on the pegboard and trash overflowing out of the can. I sighed but got to work, mashing the trash down until I was able to tie it off and wrestle the bulging thing out. Getting a new bag in, I started sweeping as the radio, a dusty round 2000's looking thing that was tucked in the corner, announced that more music was coming after just a few more messages.

Manuals got placed on a battered bookshelf they had shared with reference material and Playboys, a newer issue from a few months ago sat among the well worn older ones I'd already read from cover to cover. Some of those articles are actually pretty good but I doubt anyone else at the shop knew that.

Taking a seat, I frowned at a pile of receipts as the radio host - or DJ maybe? - finally came back to announce that the next block of music was going to be led by Don Henley with The Boys of Summer and I turned it up; not 'cause I knew the song by name but the promise of music was more than enough.

However, I instantly knew it. It was such an 80's sound and so nostalgic, something I'd heard for most of my life but never sought out; another Radio Perfect song. I was even able to sing along with the chorus as the guitar told of sorrow and the singer spoke of the past - a story of not understanding what happened to love. I thought of Jamie and the nights we shared; of just hanging out and enjoying each other's company and tears instantly welled up in my eyes. I blinked them back, shocked at how sudden they had been.

And then it hit me as the song suggested in it's lyrics: 'don't look back - to never look back'. I was thinking of Jamie in the past tense. In here, hidden from the world and surrounded by well worn shit, I had lumped Jamie in with that nostalgia for bygone, more carefree days. My hands covered my mouth as I leaned forward over the bench, seeing nothing and that didn't matter as tears overflowed, running down my cheeks as I started to sob.

Jamie was supposed to be a part of my future! And here I was treating him with the same fondness as a song or a fucking Playboy! I'd talked to him like two days ago but I hadn't seen him since that last day at college and - God dammit, I'm crying again.

I've tried so hard to not be that useless bitch in movies who can't seem to do anything without a man nearby but fucking come on! I want my friend back! My best friend who I've been working my ass off for so we can get a place together! And my fucking reward was thinking of Jamie not as my boyfriend but more of a fond memory.

I pulled my phone out and called Jamie, snagging a paper towel and wiping my nose as I was full on ugly crying, now. He picked up on the third ring and I heard worry in his voice.

"Gen? Everything alright?" He was at work and knew I was as well, so calling like this was abnormal. Me blubbering couldn't have been helping anything.

"Jamie I-I can't. I tried but..." I wanted to demand he see me but I didn't know how to say it without sounding like a useless bitch. Gritting my teeth, I willed myself to stop crying, to tell him nothing was wrong, crack a joke and hang up. Instead I bit back a sob, sound still escaping as another came, then another.

"Gen! Hey, what's wrong?" He was trying to soothe me and that only made it worse without him being there. I was dating a voice, not an actual person anymore, and Jamie might as well have been that song which had fucked my day up.

I don't know if I said anything back. I'm not sure I was even able to talk. I was betrayed by my own emotions and they were running the show now, holding me hostage while they vented all the built up frustrations of the summer.

"Shit, Gen... Look, I'm sorry about this." I wanted to scream at him, to tell Jamie his apology wasn't enough. The city in flames wouldn't be enough to make me forget that horrible feeling of Jamie being a bittersweet memory and nothing more. It felt like we were over if I wasn't thinking of us in the current tense; all of it exclusive to the past and a far-off future.

"Hey, can you meet with me tonight?" I stopped losing my shit at hearing that, unable to answer for too long, my mouth moving but making no sound. "Gen?"

"Yes!" I almost yelled but I didn't care, this exile was going to be over soon and this sinking feeling was going to go away - please God let that be the case.

"Okay, I'm going to get out of work early and shower so... Meet me at Thomas Park at 9. Actually, do you know where that is?" I racked my brain but came up with nothing but questions and accusations; none of which were useful.

"Nope." I croaked out, wiping my eyes and taking a deep breath.

"It's the one that has the statue." I knew what he was talking about, it had a bronze statue of a husband and wife holding hands and smiling out over the public park.

"Okay, yeah, I gotcha." I said, starting to feel a little bit better, hope beginning to overtake whatever else had seized me previously.

"Gen, if you were this bad off you should've said something sooner." I swallowed, getting back to normal as my thoughts began to fall into place, finally released from the dominating anger and sorrow.

"I was hanging in there, ya know? Lonely but dealing with it and then I'm cleaning The Room and this fucking song comes on and it's like swallowing a razor blade. I just..." I wanted to rage, to blame him for doing this to me but bit it back.

"It's been hard." Jamie said, voice low and I felt like a useless bitch again, failing to consider how he was dealing with this. "And I'm so sorry, I never meant to hurt you Gen. I..." And he said nothing more.

"It's fine. Thomas Park at 9, right?" I asked, wanting to make sure - wanting to convince myself this was happening.

"Yep. I'll be at the table under the biggest tree there, you can't miss it." A pause. "Gen, I love you." The tenderness in his voice made a few more tears leak out and I couldn't talk for a second, but my voice resurfaced.

"I love you too, Jamie." I hung up there, sitting in The Room by myself as some other song played. "But fuck you. Fuck you!" I wanted to slam my phone down and beat it with a wrench, to wreck the whole place that had made me lose control, but instead I listened as the song played out, being replaced by In The Air Tonight so I listened to that as well before wiping my eyes for the last time and getting back to work.

Dick came to check on me and knew something had gone wrong instantly. I asked if I could leave after I finished up and he agreed to it, asking if everything was alright before I gave him a thumbs up, not quite able to wave away the concerns of a man who is basically my Grandfather with just a simple gesture.

"Don't feel bad, plenty of people have broken down back here. Hell, I did this with a screwdriver nearly thirty years ago." His gnarled fingers brushed the bench top, running over a deep pock mark that he frowned down at it. "Screwdriver: Phillips head. I was takin' apart a clutch and got into an argument with my first wife then-" He made a stabbing motion and I nodded, getting what the scene must have been like.

"I knew from the beginning it wasn't going to work, ya know? The thing that shoulda told me was when we were goin' to eat with some of her friends at a restaurant right after I'd gotten offa work. So I drive and meet 'em there, not really wantin' to go but hey, I was hungry and could bullshit over dinner. I git there and sit down beside Tif, introducing myself and the whol' time she's lookin' at me like I've shit myself." His weathered face twisted up into scowl, the sort I'd never seen him aim at a customer before.

"My hands were dirty. I'd washed 'em for leaving but there was still grease under my nails, ya know how that shit is." It took good soap and a little scrub brush to fully get greasy hands clean and there had been plenty of times Dad just hadn't bothered before eating. "And Tif's pissed, I could feel it rollin' off her but I had to get there, couldn't be late to meet her sort!" Dick's hand was placed over the rage created scar on the bench and he leaned back, looking up then at me.

"She was upset 'cause I wasn't tryin' hard 'nough. I ask what she meant by that and she goes off on some shit 'bout not wantin' to be some grease monkey's wife so I ask her why she married one." I flinched and Dick nodded, taking a moment before speaking again.

"I shouldn'ta married her, Gen. I sat back here night afta' night, not goin' home til after she was sleep, drinkin' and tinkerin' til I forgot just how bad things were getting'." He sighed and I felt the years Dick had lived, as if they were standing right beside me, too close to be ignored. They were vast and heavy, worn with regret and shitty as it is to say, I did feel better knowing I wasn't the only one who'd fucked up and broken down in The Room.

"So ya ain't the first one to cry in here and Hell, ya ain't gonna be the last. Least ya ain't smokin'." He peered my way before sniffing the air and I snorted, unable to help it. Of course, a bunch of snot came loose and I ended up blowing my nose. "Ya don't smoke, do ya?" I shook my head and he nodded.

"Good, girl like you shouldn't smoke. Lost too many damn people to that shit already." Dick extended a hand to me and I took it, getting to my feet and glad he was here. It put things into perspective, listening to Dick talk. Sure, I'd had a bad summer but he had a bad marriage and I knew the second one hadn't gone much better.

"Ya're a good girl Gen and I hope ya don't make the same mistake of marrin' too young for ya get to know 'em." I nodded, understanding his intention but not ready to take that plunge yet. As much as I'd love to still see Jamie in some bridal wear, I had no intention to pop the question anytime soon.

"Don't gotta worry 'bout that, I still got college to deal with first." Dick smirked, moving to leave before pausing.