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"I'll tell ya Dad you left, don't worry 'bout that. See ya Monday?" I nodded before giving the bench a final pat and walking back out into the shop. With my job done, I walked out myself and slipped out of the back of the shop, firing up my car and turning the radio up loud, not caring what I was listening to as long as it had a guitar and someone singing.
I came home and showered, then called into the gas station saying I must have food poisoning as I was shitting uncontrollably. So now I'm sitting here, waiting for nine and typing just to pass the time. I'm scared and angry and hopeful and everything else that exists. I'm going to see Jamie for the first time in two months and don't want that time away to have created distance between us. I don't know what I'm going to say. I don't know anything right now except it takes around thirty minutes to drive to Thomas Park so I have to leave at 8:30 and probably a few minutes earlier just in case.
In fact, fuck this. I'm just going to drive with the windows down and the radio loud. Before I started this journal, that always cleared my head, so I'm going to cruise around town til 9. Thomas Park, the one with the statues. Please God, let this summer have not built a wall between us. Let me meet my Jamie and not some stranger with his face.
I'm back and have been sitting here for too long, it's too late and I dozed off but... I'm processing? I don't know, I guess I'd better just type it out and see how I feel by the end.
I tried to grab something to eat while I was out cruising but when I was in the drive through, the smell of burgers made my stomach lurch. Instead I grabbed a chocolate shake and that stayed down, not a good supper but I needed something that wasn't raw panic in my system. By the time I drove to Thomas Park, evening was deepening into dusk.
There was one guy in high school who I'm pretty sure read every last book in the library to the point people would ask what he was reading now, the answer usually something no one had ever heard of. One such question was answered with: "Heavenly shades of night are falling." And that's what this was, a dim, purplish light seeming to spill from everywhere while the sky darkened so very slowly. Beautiful but I couldn't pay it much mind, not then.
I drove up and parked, leaving the windows cracked as I turned the engine off and stepped out, heart racing. It was a vast, grassy plain with playground equipment off in the distance and picnic tables under trees, with a huge fucker dead ahead. And someone was sitting at the table. No one else was around, the lot empty on a Saturday night.
My hands were shaking and I took a deep breath, smelling freshly mowed grass, exhaust, and lingering pine from my air freshener while getting steady and tucking my keys in a pocket. I wasn't going to be so fried I dropped them like a character in a horror movie, so once they were secure, I started walking.
I was scared but couldn't say why anymore. As I stepped into the grass and kept moving, I wasn't sure I would be able to talk, each and every fear raging in my heart as I drew closer. The shape at the table gave a wave and I returned it, unable to keep that tremble out of my arms as the shape rose and started walking my way.
The heavenly shades of night were cutting down visibility, washing out all the details but I was sure it was Jamie walking towards me. The hair was longer but that was to be expected; my mind attempting to mercilessly attack any difference to validate my fears.
Finally we got close enough I could see his face and found it the same: soft but looking at me with a mix of bashfulness and what I thought might be guilt. Or maybe fear. That one hurt, thinking that Jamie was looking at me in a similar manner of the first night we met at Donna's party. But then a rogue spark of anger flared, wanting to demand what he was scared of.
"Hey," Jamie said softly, his voice clearer now that it wasn't being passed through a phone.
"Hey, yourself." My voice quaked, reducing my lame attempt at a joke to something sad and to be pitied. He was wearing a white button up shirt with a fancier camisole underneath, the top half of the buttons undone and showing off his bust to the world. The baggy cargo shorts were more normal but overall it was a good look, something I honestly didn't expect from Jamie.
"I..." And that's all he got out before I closed the distance and had him in my arms. Jamie was here, actually here and tears welled in my eyes for no other reason than he was here. "Let's sit down, okay?" I heard him but didn't want to let go as having Jamie so close helped dispel that toxic cloud of fear that had blinded me over the past few weeks.
But eventually I let loose and we walked hand in hand to the table, sitting atop it and Jamie leaned his head on my shoulder, giving me the closeness I'd been starving for.
"I'm sorry. This summer's sucked and it's my fault but I've had time to think about this conversation so hopefully I can explain myself." Full night was descending now but I had Jamie: what sounded like my Jamie beside me, one who hadn't backslid like after Christmas break.
"I didn't want to do this: this break but I had to. See, I've been doing something since the beginning of this year to force me to grow up and this was the final test. God, all that sounds so pretentious!" I giggled, more out of nervousness than anything but there was still a burning coal of resentment, hearing Jamie sound so normal while I had worked so hard for us to have a place, and here he was chatting as if nothing had happened.
"Sometime during January I got this delivered to me." Jamie handed me something and I had to pull out my phone and shine a light to see what it was while he kept talking. "Since meeting you, I've been doing research and reading, having learned a few things about myself and finally pulled the trigger on getting this." With a blinding light I was able to see I was holding a small, round container with a silver lid, the flashlight bouncing off of it before I checked the label.
"What!? Why?" I asked before giving it any thought, far beyond any sort of nuance at that point.
"'Cause I was tired of hiding - of being ashamed of something I hadn't asked for and had no control over. So I grabbed the reins and took charge." Jamie took the jar of breast enhancement crème from me and spun the top off, sniffing the empty interior before offering it to me. I leaned in and followed suit, finding it pleasant in a mild, inoffensive way.
"Had to rub this stuff on twice a day but living with Tom in the dorms didn't make it easy. So it took a while before it started working." I flicked the light off, returning us to darkness but I wanted that, to sit there with Jamie as he explained why our summer sucked so hard. Yet even still, I heard the smile on his face as he carried on. "It was so hard to keep it secret but I wanted to show off the end result instead of bragging about growing a millimeter."
"Wait, this stuff works?" I was failing to keep up in the conversation, head full of too many thoughts, the first of which was to rage that he'd kept me away just so he could get bigger boobs. "But why did ya do it? Why not tell me?"
"I wanted to start living my life," Jamie said quietly, the words punching through my growing anger. "Do you know how I spent every summer as a teenager?" I shook my head but Jamie kept talking, probably unable to see my gesture.
"Trapped in my Dad's house, usually stuck in my room if he was home. With it being so hot outside I couldn't cover up my chest so I just stayed inside. No swimming, no biking around the block, none of that shit kids are suppose to do but rather playing games until I'm bored out of my fucking mind. That's who I was Gen, a shut in before I'd even graduated." I sat there, saying nothing as I'd never thought about it before. But Jamie was far from done.
"Meeting you and Tom helped break me out of that mindset; that I had to be scared of people and ashamed of the boobs I hadn't asked for. Once you taught me they were awesome and not worth letting rule my life, I wanted to wear stuff that fit. And not just in your bedroom or around the house, but outside, around town, here!" He waved his arm to the sky, not many stars showing thanks to the light pollution and the tree blocking a good chunk of the sky.
"But I had to do it alone, first. I didn't want to become a parasite, feeding off you and unable to do anything myself. I want to confide in you Gen, not have you be my confidence." I found his hand and took it in my own, amazed at what I was hearing, my own frayed emotional well being forgotten for the moment. "I got this idea from somewhere I'd basically become your pet dog." At that, I laughed, the sound slightly hysterical even to my ears but I hadn't expected anything like that tonight.
"The fuck? Where did that come from?" As weird and kinky as we'd gotten in the past, I had no interest in collars and leashes, making this way out of left field.
"I wouldn't be able to go out without your permission like a dog and you'd always be by my side. Hell, I already kind of feel that way due to me not driving and you and Tom giving me rides." His voice was annoyed and I stopped laughing, being caught off guard by his logic. "If I got new shirts but was too scared to go out alone wearing them, then what's the point? I'd be trapped inside again and you can't be there for me all the time, that's insane! If I wasn't able to go out by myself, then our relationship would have been poisoned by my insecurity. I needed to be able to stand on my own without you propping me up. I'm sorry for being so selfish but..." And he finally stopped talking, leaving me to make sense of his speech.
The first thing that came to mind was the shopping trip, with Jamie melting down the whole time. There's no way he would have been able to make that trip without me and sure, it had been my idea but I was seeing his point. Jamie was openly displaying cleavage in public; something I'd never seen him do before.
"Oh! And this?" He handed over the empty jar of boob crème, something I'd managed to forget due to my brain overheating from the warm night and seeing Jamie all at the same time. "I did it so I couldn't hide anymore. Even with my hoodies and jackets, there's no way I'm covering this up anymore. I've wasted too much time sulking and no more." A pause and his tone changed, losing the light and diving down to more serious fare.
"I hate it had to come to this. I hate I had to push you away just so I could play at being grown up." At that, Jamie started crying and even when I put my arm around his shoulder, I felt tears spill down my cheeks as he quietly wept. "I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't. I wanted to ask you about taking the summer apart sooner but I just. Fucking. Couldn't!" He was shaking now and I pulled him closer, Jamie no longer speaking, having fully been taken by sorrow.
Eventually, after many whispered comforts he got back under control and then I had to tend to my own state, wiping my eyes and seeing how my heart felt after that.
"Look, I'll be honest: I'm still kinda pissed at you." I said, not expecting to lead with that but there it was. Yet it was the truth and Jamie had been giving me that this whole time. "But I'm proud, too. Like I said before, I don't gotta like it but that doesn't mean I can't see all the progress you made."
"Fair enough. I'm still mad it took me this long just to leave the house wearing a shirt I liked." He gave a sniffle and I reflected in the quiet that followed, wondering if Jamie had dropped any hints of wearing girly things not just around me. He had switched to wearing panties but those were almost safer; hidden away. It was clear Jamie had taken that idea and run with it over the summer. "The worst part is no one really cares. Sure, people looked and a few women commented, one asking if I wanted some advice on fashion but I had to turn her down. After all, I had a girlfriend who would be helping me soon enough." There was no laughter but instead I turned his face towards me and with a minor amount of fumbling our lips met. All the stress, the angst, the anger and frustration at needing someone to touch to confirm some basic part of my humanity melted away as we slowly relearned each other on the table in the dark.
"Wait, wait..." Jamie said, pulling away from me and panting. "Oh God I've missed this."
"What?" I asked, wanting to rip our clothes off and fuck right on the table. The fact that we were in public didn't matter to me right then.
"I'm so sorry but we need to check out that apartment first so we can see if it's good enough." I groaned but knew he was right. "Look, we get that done and I'm game for anything."
"Got any condoms?" I asked, too turned on to think about much else and it was a relief as the anger and sadness was being pushed aside by it.
"No? Why would I have condoms just on me?" He sounded not offended but like I'd asked if he had a bear trap in case of a bear attack.
"Don't guys usually have condoms in their wallets?" I asked and Jamie gave a single harsh bark of laughter that echoed.
"Gen! You have all the condoms! And why would I bring one with me when I knew it was going to be tense?" He did have me there, I had the stash of our sexy time stuff in a box at my parent's place but I wasn't done with our bickering part of this reunion.
"Yet ya bring a thing of booby crème?" I said and Jamie's reply was instant.
"It was to show you!" He shrieked, hopping off the bench and I followed suit, my hands going to his chest and I was rewarded with more than handfuls this time. I had no idea how much he had grown but it was a lot, enough Jamie was now bigger up top than I was. And that thought sent a shiver down my spine. "Okay, Gen? We gotta do adult stuff before we do adult stuff..." I kissed the side of his neck and slipped to his side, snaking an arm about his waist and he returned the favor as we walked to my car in the dark.
"We'll scope out the apartment, stop at a gas station for rubbers, then we're going to fuck. Any questions?" I said and Jamie shook his head, leaving my side to stand at the passenger door and even something as simple as seeing him waiting for me to let him in brought me back to those winter nights. I got in and Jamie sat down, running his hands over the dashboard and flipping on the radio as I turned the engine over.
"I'm glad to be back." With the strong yet fleeting street lights I stole glances at Jamie, seeing his longer hair was now close to shoulder length and was still curly and dark. His bust kept drawing my eye and he eventually noticed. "We're going to need to go shopping for new clothes. I'll pay for them all but uh, not much fits right now. Even these shorts are too tight if I wear them too long." I reached down and undid his fly, a deep breath from Jamie telling me he hadn't been kidding. Though, with my hand already being so close, I began rubbing his crotch and grin when I felt a familiar hardness there.
"Had to make sure that was still there." Jamie chuckled at that and I laughed, not stopping that motion until Jamie took my hand in his. "So, what kind of clothes are we going to be getting for you?" I asked as Jamie hadn't been lying about his chest having broken free of any possible concealment.
"Bras and no, I have no idea what size I am. I think they've stopped growing? That tingling, warm feeling has been fading the past week or so." I was trying to focus on driving but that got my attention.
"They could still get bigger?!" Jamie giggled and I groped at his chest, sticking my hand down the front of his camisole and amazed at just how much 'boobage' there was. "Jesus, Jamie!"
"Hey, I just started the process and it's out of my hands now!" I took my hand back and put it on the wheel as we started down that familiar path to the college. "But yeah, I've been making do with my old clothes but I'm going to need shirts, jeans, and underwear." I was growing more excited at the ideas now before me but took them one at a time.
"So, Min Seo might be able to help; she's good with makeup and clothes so if you want a look, I'd say she's your best bet." Jamie was quiet for a moment until he spoke.
"Being honest here: I was worried you might end up with her over the summer. I didn't know how to tell you not to be around her because I was so scare of losing you." I laughed loudly at that but there was no humor to the sound, it was mocking and cruel.
"Sorry! I just, that was never my intention. She wants something from me I can't give her and it makes me feel bad." The memory of her in the park shrinking away from the world and admitting she wanted to fall in love without being scared was potent but frustrating.
"But she's willing to help me?" Jamie asked and I smiled, that at least being genuine even if Jamie couldn't see it.
"Jamie, I have a feeling she's going to fucking adore you. Hell, we can double up and get matching shit if ya wanna." I was getting more turned on and eager but had one last errand to run.
"Sure. Like I said, I want the freedom you have in leaving the house in whatever. There's going to be days were I don't try at all but others when I'm feeling cute or pretty? Yeah, I want to show that instead of just putting on a hoodie and waiting for the next time I got to see you." Even with how annoyed I still was under the growing heat within, there was another part of me that was equally impressed at how much Jamie had grown. The time away hadn't been for nothing.
I pulled up before Rustic Heights, the sign having lights shining on it and Jamie sighed at seeing the name. I slowly drove around the property, two three-story buildings with trees all around and a playground between them. A fenced-off pool was there as well, making me envious as I'd been too busy and stressed to even think about swimming.
"It looks nice," Jamie said as I checked the parking lot, finding there was no one out this late and it wasn't full of busted cars up on blocks.
"So, I'm good to call and look around?" Jamie nodded and I started towards the closest gas station so the other part of the night could begin.
"So... There's one last thing I need to bring up and it's stupid but..." Here was the Jamie I was more familiar with, bringing up topics that needed to be dragged out of him. Yet, what else could there be considering he had grown so much?
"Yeah?" He turned the radio down before just flipping it off entirely when an ad came on.
"So Tom invited me to come over this Sunday, his family is going on vacation and they've got a pool. Like I said before, I haven't been swimming in years and I really want to go but..." Then he fell silent and I understood what at least one of the issues was.
"Ya need a swimsuit?" He nodded before finding his voice.
"Like I said, I have no idea about any of the sizes but it's also the what kind. I could just get some swimming trunks and a shirt but I don't want that anymore. The whole point of this summer was to be able to enjoy how I look without shame but this feels like the final step and I'm having trouble making it alone. It's just going to be Tom, his girlfriend, you, and me. But..." He went quiet again and I saw the jam he was in.
"We'll do some looking and see what's around then what your comfortable wearing. I need something new, too so we'll go together. And I usually wear a shirt over my swimsuit while driving and shit so it's no big deal. Since when did Tom have a pool?" Jamie gave a weak laugh before putting one of his hands on my bare leg as I turned into the lot of a rival gas station, driving up to the blinding lights of the building with all the lotto stickers on the windows.
"Thank you." The words were quiet but the tone in which they were said told me everything. "The pool is his parent's which is why he's waited to invite me over. Tom said he's totally fine with me wearing something that fits my shape. Hell, he's the one who helped me put together this look." That was surprising and the image of Tom in the women's isle of a store and choosing between camisoles was both amusing and plausible. That said, he got out and walked to the doors, looking good while doing it.
