Freshman Ch. 02: He Loves Me Not

As she moved through the crowd, she began to become more and more aware of how her little game with Josh was backfiring and affecting her more than it was him. Her buzz was beginning to hit a fuzzy plateau and her system was flooding with lustful intentions. Every room she passed without success made her hunger grow. Every side-eyed glance from a group of boys swelled her chest with confidence. She knew when she finally located Josh that she was going to need to play it cool. She just had no earthly idea how she was going to pull that off.

A full lap through the house turned up nothing and Rachel's frenzied state began to hit a fever pitch. She was pleasantly drunk but frustrated and deliriously turned on. And while she'd used the need for a bathroom as a pretext for stepping away from Olivia, fifteen minutes of power-walking through room after room had indeed summoned just that very biological urge. Deciding to take a quick break to pee, she turned back towards a lesser used hallway where she'd seen people lined up earlier in the night.

As she got to the location, Rachel was pleasantly surprised that no such line was present anymore. Smiling triumphantly at her good luck, she reached for the handle and leaned her shoulder in. But her progress was interrupted unforgivingly as the locked door did not budge as she'd expected.

This reality temporarily confused Rachel as, if someone was using the facilities, she'd have thought a line would've been formed. Miffed, she was about to knock when a voice stopped her fist in the air.

"Whoa! Rachel, hey! Yo, hang on. Someone's in there."

Rachel turned her head to acknowledge the interjection and smiled gently as she recognized the face. The boy's name was Vince; he was a friend of Josh's from the football team. And that wasn't the only way she knew him.

Vince was a sophomore, and while she'd initially been introduced via Josh, she'd actually come to see him a lot more frequently for a different reason. Vince had recently started hooking up with her roommate, Steph. Rachel wasn't really sure how official or serious they were; she and Steph didn't really talk about those things despite Rachel's early efforts to engage. She only knew that Vince had been coming by their dorm room lately and that he and Steph had some type of thing going.

She waited as Vince almost halfway-jogged up to her and smiled. He was a big guy; probably close to a foot taller than her and well over one-hundred pounds heavier. Rachel's eyebrows narrowed reflexively as she thought she picked up a hint of nervousness in Vince's face. Why was he practically rushing over to tell her about the bathroom?

"What's up, girl? Didn't even know you were here."

Vince grinned and let his eyes pass over the delicious curves of Rachel's skin-tight dress. While he'd been certainly enjoying hooking up with Stephanie, the added bonus of seeing Rachel at her dorm had certainly not been lost on him. Especially in light of some of the things Josh had shared...

Rachel rolled her eyes at Vince's not-so-subtle once-over and smiled back politely. She was kind of ambivalent to Vince. She had no real reason to dislike him but he was just kind of obnoxious and the growing frequency of his presence in her life (even if peripheral) wasn't exactly her favorite thing. Nor was she unaware of the ways he'd glance at certain parts of her body when he thought Stephanie wasn't looking.

"Yeah, been here for a while. Surprised I didn't run into you or-."

Rachel cut herself off and bit her tongue as she decided against mentioning Josh's name. She didn't want to give any hints that she'd been thinking about him all evening. Especially since she was sure Vince would be the type to pass that along.

Switching gears, she turned back to the subject of their encounter. Nodding to the door, she shrugged her shoulders and cocked her head.

"Are you like, watching the door? How long has someone been in there?"

Vince's face tightened subtly but he shook it off without much of a noticeable display. Licking his lips, he struggled for the right way to handle her question.

"Nah, I mean there's just someone in there. You can't um-. Just go use the other one upstairs."

Rachel scrunched up her face at Vince's weirdly dumb response. She didn't know him that well but he certainly hadn't come across as any sort of intellectual to this point. But regardless, what the hell was he talking about?

"What do you mean I 'can't'? Go upsta-?"

Deciding to ignore his idiocy, Rachel turned back to the door and rapped her knuckles against the faded wood. She didn't have time for this shit. She needed to do her thing and then get back to her mission.

"Hey! Someone in there? C'mon there's a line!"

The sounds of muffled laughter came through the door and Rachel leaned her chin back in annoyance. She was about to knock louder this time when Vince reached forward and caught her by the wrist.

"Rachel! C'mon! I said you can't! Just go use the other one!"

Rachel's eyes widened quickly and then narrowed just as fast. Vince's unexpected touch had sent a momentary chill of fear down her spine, but it morphed quickly into anger. Was he serious? And was he seriously putting his hands on her? Even in this way?

Snatching her wrist back with surprising quickness, Rachel stepped in closer to Vince's body and shot him a glare. She wasn't quite ready to unload, but she was quickly losing her patience for whatever game this was.

"Vince. What the fuck? Are you high? I need to pee!"

Her glare held steady as she stared up at her much bigger target with growing contempt. Vince was an intimidating presence but in the moment Rachel could not have cared less. She wasn't the pitbull her best friend was, but when she needed to summon her strength, it was always right below the surface.

Vince was momentarily taken back but he, too, regained himself quickly. He tried to boot up his brain and get a handle on the situation as quickly as he could. But as he watched Rachel turn away from him and bang on the door again, he simply acted on instinct.

Reaching forward, he again grabbed ahold of Rachel's wrist and this time easily moved her from the threshold. As he stepped in her place in front of the door, he let her go and repeated his instruction that she locate a different facility.

"Rachel! Stop making it such a fucking thing. Just go use the other-!"

His words cut off as Rachel stepped back into his body and this time attempted to physically move him out of the way. Her efforts were fruitless but her intent was not lost. Leaning back, she looked at him with obvious disgust and spoke in an elevated tone. At this point, it was a matter of principle.

"Vince, I'm not using the other fucking bathroom! I don't know what your problem is, but you ned to stop fucking touching me and get out of my way!"

The pair stared at each other for several seconds as each party tried to plan their next move. The intensity of the moment had gone from zero to possibly dangerous in a blink and neither of them had been prepared for such an escalation. Vince knew that he could keep Rachel at bay, but at what cost? He didn't want to make a scene. And he needed her gone anyway because...

His thoughts cut off as Rachel again moved quickly into his body. He absorbed the surprisingly forceful blow from her shoulder and held her back in place. He was about to consider physically moving her to a different part of the house when a voice sliced through the space.

"Whoa! What the fuck is going on? Is there a problem?"

Rachel and Vince disengaged as the words hit them both with an unexpected sense of authority. Rachel looked up to see a taller boy scowling in their direction. She didn't recognize him but it didn't matter. She was glad to have a third party to present her case to.

Shrugging casually, she flipped some hair behind her ear and pointed at Vince.

"Ask him. I'm just trying to pee and for some reason he won't let me in."

The boy narrowed his eyes and then turned towards Vince with a confusing look.

"Vince. What the fuck? What are you doing?"

Vince swallowed and took stock of the situation. He knew the guy. His name was Caleb. He was a senior and it was his house they were in.

Shaking his head, he tried to play it all cool.

"Bro, nah. I was just telling her that someone was in there and she started flipping out. I wasn't-. I was just trying to tell her to use the other-."

Rachel opened her mouth incredulously and moved swiftly to cut off his nonsense.

"Bullshit, Vince! You practically sprinted over here and blocked the door!"

She turned back to the other boy and spoke in an earnest tone.

"Someone's been in there for like, fifteen minutes and the line at the other bathroom is huge."

She stopped and smiled innocently as she shook her head. She knew that neither statement was true but she didn't care. Her anger had kicked in fully and she simply wanted to win.

"I just wanna pee!"

Caleb studied the mystery blonde in front of him as she stated her case. He didn't know her but he had no reason to think she was lying. Her story made sense, and Vince, on the other hand, could be a bit of a meatheaded dipshit. He glanced back at Rachel and smiled. And she certainly wasn't too hard on the eyes either...

Making his decision, he pushed past his friend and muttered under his breath.

"Vince, stop causing problems at my house or just go the fuck home. Christ."

Vince reached out to touch his shoulder but he brushed him off. Turning towards the door, he brought a forceful fist into the upper panel and thumped it loudly three times.

"Yo! Whoever's in there, wrap it up! Got people waiting."

He turned quickly and shot Rachel a warm smile. Not too hard on the eyes at all...

After several seconds of silence greeting his demand, Caleb had had enough. As the muscles in his neck tightened, he cleared his throat and spoke so that not the slightest hint of ambiguity might remain.

"I'm not going to say this again. This is my fucking house and my fucking door. You have five seconds to come out before I beat it the fuck down, throw you out, and then make you pay for the damage."

Rachel's eyebrows raised reflexively in response to Caleb's authoritative tone and colorfully specific instruction. She felt a full shaking tremor roll between her thighs. It could have been that she was already horny and worked up, but Caleb's little speech had definitely given her a rush.

Intense silence hung in the air for a few seconds. Caleb wasn't doing the 'count out loud' thing and Rachel wondered if he were bluffing. Her eyes flashed down his toned arm and she swallowed as she saw his fist clench. Another shiver went through her gut. This was exciting!

Just when it seemed like the house's owner was about to make good on his threat, the door's lock clicked and the handle turned. Rachel shot a quick triumphant glare over to Vince but his expression gave her a sudden chill. He didn't look mad or beaten or anything like that. He looked almost apologetic as his head shook ever so subtly from side to side.

The hair on Rachel's arms shot up as she sensed something just before it happened. It was like being near an electrical storm and feeling the tickle in the air just seconds before lightning split the sky. She turned slowly back towards the door and watched as a tall, handsome boy with shaggy blonde hair emerged from the bathroom. Her eyes went wide and she stomach flipped.

Josh!

She was about to step forward and call his name but the next thing she saw froze her feet to the floor. Another flowing mess of blonde hair, this time half-a-foot shorter. Rachel stood paralyzed as the boy who dominated most of her waking (and sleeping) thoughts appeared in the space with a cute blonde girl in tow. Time stopped and there was simply nothing she could do but stand and stare.

In an instant, the world became un-paused and everything spun in a circle around her. She watched Josh's scowl slide into a confused grin as he recognized Caleb and processed what was going on. Caleb smiled back. No one noticed Rachel. Except for Vince. He wore the same apologetic mask.

"Bro! What the fuck? Why you bangin' on the door like damn cops? We were in there for like, one minute!"

Caleb grinned sheepishly and punched his friend on the shoulder.

"Dude. Fuck you. You wanna do that shit go find a goddamned bedroom. You got people waiting and starting fights out here!"

Josh glanced quickly at Vince and shot him a look of curious disappointment. It had been Vince's job to-. Never mind. Rolling his eyes and turning back to Caleb he smoothed his blonde locks back over his forehead and spoke again.

"Fight? What are you talking about? Who was waiting to-?"

All of the boyish, playful joy in his face fled in an instant as everyone turned in unison to the girl who had gone unnoticed. Josh swallowed hard as he took in the utter shock in Rachel's face. His stomach tightened like a vice and he thought quickly. Shit.

Turning back on the charm, he smiled brightly and let go of the girl's hand. He faced Rachel directly and cleared his throat.

"Rach! Um, hey! I didn't even know you were here! Why didn't you text me?"

Rachel felt the burn of emotion rush to every pore on her face and she dug deep to keep everything in check. The sting of tears pierced the backs of her eyes and she clenched her jaw to the point of pain. She couldn't process anything.

Doing everything she could to avoid making a scene, she somehow got a hold over her voice and hissed back in a broken tone.

"T-text? Oh my God, are you serious right now? Josh what is-? What are you-?"

She could tell she was starting to stammer so she did the only thing she could to avoid breaking further. Shooting him a look of genuine hurt, she shook her head and spun back on her heel. With a dozen shaking strides she found the front door and yanked it open. Hurrying down the steps, she fled into the cool night air and didn't stop until she was halfway down the block.

She wasn't sure how long she'd been standing alone, choking back tears and letting her brain spin out of control, when she heard the voice softly calling her name. She recognized it instantly and its familiar tone forced a muffled sob out from her belly. Fucking not now! Just go away! Leave me alone!

She so wished she could've verbalized those things but hearing Josh's voice just melted her into a puddle. He'd had her under his thumb from the moment they'd met and there was just nothing she could do about it. She'd been lying to herself and her best friend for weeks about how she was maybe beginning to feel. Her little game of keeping him guessing had only been because she had wanted more. And just when she was beginning to get to the point where she could admit that, he'd gone and-.

The searing pain of the freshly burned memory shot a boost of adrenaline into her system and she suddenly whirled around with a start. Her eyes were glassy and her throat sore, but she summoned the strength to speak.

"What do you want?"

Josh swallowed solemnly as he looked over the broken girl standing a few paces in front of him. He'd never seen Rachel like this. Nothing close to it. From their first encounter, it had been nothing by sunshine and rainbows and mind-melting sexual fun. He wasn't exactly sure what to say but he certainly didn't want to see this girl that he really liked a lot in such pain.

Swallowing, he spoke with delicate warmth.

"Can you talk to me, please?"

Rachel scoffed painfully and raised her palms.

"Why? What do you want me to say?"

Josh felt his jaw stiffen. Talking a step closer, he tried again.

"Rachel..."

But she cut him off, her voice shaking but growing with dismissive force.

"No, really. You didn't have to come out here. You're obviously busy. I'm sorry I interrupted your night."

Josh stopped his advance and winced. He drew a deep breath into his lungs and let it out. Choosing his words very carefully, he clasped his hands together and lowered his tone.

"Look, I'm really sorry about that back there. I'm serious, Rach. I didn't mean for-. That was shitty and trying to laugh it off like a joke wasn't cool."

He paused as he stepped in closer and looked down at her tear-streaked cheeks. He didn't want to upset her or make things worse, but one of the reasons (beyond his good looks and charm) that he was almost always on good terms with the bevy of girls with whom he'd been casually intimate was that he was always honest. Lying was for the weak or for scammers and led it to drama. Josh was neither of the former and he had no time in his life for latter.

"So I apologize. I mean it."

He paused again and nodded genuinely as if trying to really convey the authenticity of his contrition.

"But can I-. Can I ask you a question?"

Rachel sniffled automatically as she looked up into his eyes. It was still difficult to speak so she nodded through tight lips and wiped her cheek.

Josh smiled and exhaled. Reaching down and touching her gently on the arm, he continued.

"First, can we get it out of the way that we both know how awesome I think you are? In pretty much every way. You fucking know that. And I'm pretty sure you kinda like me, too. Or at least you did."

He paused and grinned as Rachel coughed out a gentle smile and momentarily looked away. Smiling back, he got to the point.

"So, having said that, how would you label our relationship?"

Rachel stiffened as she processed his question. Label? What was he-?

Gathering herself, Rachel shrugged her shoulders and looked up at him with wide eyes.

"I don't-. What do you mean? I don't really know what you're..."

Josh felt her trailing off so he leaned back in and retook the wheel. Sliding his touch down her shoulder and squeezing her small hand in his, he spoke again.

"What I mean is, what we've been doing. Hanging out. Having fun. Is that not what-?"

He stopped short as a memory skipped through his brain. Smiling more warmly, he squeezed her hand tighter.

"Do you remember the first time we had sex? And right after you got all doey-eyed and started talking about moving your stuff into my place? And like, I started mumbling and you busted out laughing and told me you were just kidding? You remember that?"

Rachel swallowed and grinned sheepishly. Of course she remembered. She nodded.

Josh grinned back but quickly shifted his expression into one of sincerity.

"Were you?"

Rachel cocked her head and scrunched her brow. She didn't understand.

"Was I what?"

Josh held the look.

"Kidding."

The word sliced through Rachel's system and raised the hair on her arms as she contemplated its meaning. Widening her eyes, she met his gaze and studied his face. She felt suddenly small. Like the weight of the question was forcing her to the ground.

Flexing her jaw, she swallowed and mustered all of her strength.

"Yes, of course I was."

She knew that wasn't the point though. And sure enough, Josh hit her with the expected follow-up. His eyes were warm but intense. She heard the words before they left his lips.

"And now?"

The fact that she'd anticipated the question didn't make it any easier to answer. Her brain was swirling and her emotions were a chaotic mess inside her, like waves crashing angrily into a jetty during a storm. She didn't know how she felt. There was no answer in which she had more than a passing bit of confidence.

Pulling her hands back from his grip, she just let the words flow.

"No, I don't want to move my stuff into your-! I don't-!"