Friends - Alternate Reality Ch. 23

Monica Geller would never allow, or tolerate, Chandler touching another woman. Kissing was cheating. Watching porn was borderline. Masturbation was disloyal, but forgivable. Monica made her parameters known over time as part of normal conversation. Chandler was saved the need to enquire whether there might be a threesome or swapping in their future.

Chandler was very male. He was a problem-solver. He approached cunnilingus as a skill he wished to become expert at. He found that reading on the subject, or watching porn, did not help him. All that mattered was what turned Monica Geller on. Anything else was a waste of time and energy.

Monica wanted rapid, yet soft, licking of her clitoris. That's it. He encouraged her to coach him, and her preference was so simple that he mastered it easily. Beyond that, the only improvement he could make would be to do it more frequently. There was no realistic limit to how often he might do it. He tried to maintain at least equality between her fellatio and his cunnilingus.

Chandler knew he was lucky to have Monica. He loved her. In addition, she was beautiful and sexy, a real trophy. Here, early in their relationship, it was difficult for Chandler to foresee a day when he would become bored of sex with Monica. He read and heard that boredom was inevitable, but he wasn't buying it, not yet.

Monica gave Chandler a very private, personal gift. A Kama Sutra. The version she gave Chandler had high quality photos of each position, a brief explanation of the position, and a checkbox to record accomplishment of the maneuver. Monica was anal retentive, driven, and competitive. The moment Chandler unwrapped the book, Monica seized control of it, determined to fill out every checkbox in record time. Chandler thought he had died and gone to heaven. He soon learned that his true destination was in the basement, and very hot.

Monica naturally wanted to do the 104 positions in order, and not repeat any until all had been completed. Chandler immediately saw trouble, "Honey, most of these positions are pretty exotic, or difficult. We would have to have sex 104 times, of which only a few times would be remotely normal sex. That would drive us crazy. Let's go through, and fill out the ones we've already done."

Monica was appalled, "That would be cheating, Chandler! We didn't have the book, then."

Chandler negotiated, "Well, if we choose carefully, we could probably knock out six or so in each session."

Monica looked at Chandler like he was insane, "Chandler, dear, you cannot come six or so times in one session, much less in every session."

"You mean, we have to complete the action for each position? This will take forever. So, I have to come for it to count? Do you?"

Monica thought that Chandler was being naïve, "Of course not. Don't be ridiculous. It's bad luck to denigrate the Kama Sutra."

Chandler was pretty sure that there was no curse for bad-mouthing the book, but he needed to choose his battles. "Monica, let's make this fun. Pick one at random, and we'll do it right now. Maybe I can do two tonight."

Monica closed her eyes and selected number 14, "The Cross." It looked pretty simple. They got naked, climbed into bed, and referred to the book. Monica lays on her back and folds up one leg, knee pointing up. Chandler straddles the extended leg, and holds the folded leg.

Monica had little difficulty assuming the position. Chandler found that the folded leg was between him and his target zone. Her foot sought to occupy the position on his body that he customarily reserved for his cock and balls. Not wishing to displace them, Chandler referred back to the photo and description in the book.

For one thing, Monica could not fold her leg up like the teen acrobat in the photographs. He had another dilemma that he didn't want Monica to know about. With her hips positioned in this way, and him keeling, and her leg in between, he estimated that his cock would have to be 12 inches long just to hit paydirt.

Chandler pleaded, "Monica, we can't do this one. Let's do them in order of difficulty. That way, we can build up to the hardest ones." He flipped through the book. "Here, number 17, 'The Toad.' It's just the missionary position. Open your receiving department, and I'll deliver the goods."

Monica had become inured to Chandler's jokes. A year ago, she would have thrown him out for saying that. Monica fell onto her back, knees comfortably bent, and legs spread. All Chandler had to do was hit the bullseye with his arrow and come inside. Chandler's aim was true.

Soon, Chandler was inside, laying on top of her. He happily pumped in and out. She accelerated his march to orgasm with her dirty talk. She whispered in his ear, "You're fucking me! You're fucking me! I can feel you inside me. You're pumping it in and out. Oh, my God. Bang me! Fuck me! Pound me! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh!"

Chandler sped up his thrusting in anticipation of his orgasm. She begged, "Please fuck me. Come inside. Come inside me. Pump your seed into my womb. Please. Pump it into me. Fuck me. Fuck me, please!"

Somewhere during Monica's coaching, Chandler poured a generous ration of seed into her womb. After he climbed off, he flipped through the book some more. He said, "Here! Number 20, "The Classic," is the same as missionary except we put a pillow under your ass and I hold myself up on my locked arms."

Monica asked, "Can you do it again so soon, Chandler?" Chandler looked at Monica with a wry expression. She said, "Oh, I see. Well, clean that thing off, first." She handed him disinfecting wipes, which were much stronger and antibacterial than the baby wipes Rachel and Ross used. Chandler soon discovered why you should read the warnings and advisories on the package first. These wipes disinfected because they were dripping with bleach. The package specifically warned that human skin should not be exposed to them. A few moments after he wiped his dick and balls with the tissue, he screamed, "Ouch! It burns! It's burning! Ahhhhhhh!"

The burning died down. Chandler wiped off with a towel. Monica loved the taste of bleach. She crawled off the bed, kneeled before him, and blew him. She sucked and licked her way all over his cock, then deepthroated it, sucking it and licking the underside with her tongue. Chandler soon tapped her on the head, "That's enough. Assume the position."

Monica lay on her back again, but with her legs flat on the bed and spread in a V shape. Chandler slipped a pillow under her butt, which presented her pussy very nicely for him. Chandler made a mental note that the pillow so placed would be effective in many positions. Chandler climbed over her. He planted his hands to her sides, locked his elbows, and suspended himself comfortably over her.

Chandler looked down to direct his cock to her entrance, and started fucking. He pushed in two centimeters and pulled out one centimeter. He thus advanced one centimeter at a time. It took over a dozen thrusts to bury himself completely inside her. Chandler banged away, eyes closed and imagining Taylor Swift. It took a few minutes for him to come again.

Chandler's second offering to the pussy gods was meager compared to his first, but he did what he could. He banged away for a little while after coming, then climbed off of her. They ticked off Position 20. Only 102 to go. Chandler had a great time achieving the first two positions. He wondered when he would hit the wall, meaning a position he could not achieve.

In the following days, Chandler reviewed the entire book twice, looking for easy positions. After the first two, they all looked difficult. He settled on Number 10, "The Tominagi," which was described as "the perfect position for the less-endowed man." The position was like missionary, but the woman pulls her knees up toward her chest. It demanded some flexibility of the woman.

Monica lay on her back and held her knees tight to her chest with her hands. Chandler, fully lubricated, had a perfect view of her pussy. He was excited to try this. He used his hand to put the tip at the entrance to her vagina, and slid it in. Monica made a little sound because he reached a greater depth than he ever had, and the tissues at that depth were unaccustomed to being displaced.

Chandler relieved Monica of the duty of holding her knees by having her place her feet against his chest. He thrust to achieve the deepest possible penetration, making her wince. Monica was reminded of a previous lover, who was a big man with a proportionately large endowment. Chandler could not get a lot of travel on his stroke because it was a little awkward to move his hips, but the depth of penetration more than made up for that. Chandler felt almost like a new man.

Monica grunted with each thrust. Chandler banged it into her in a frenzy of lust. The position was impersonal. There was little intimacy, but Chandler loved the feel. He leaned forward, pushing her knees against her chest, compressing her until she said, "Chandler...." He ceased his forward lean, but banged away, coming with a fierce growl. The moment his ejaculation ended, Monica said, "Chandler, ease up, please."

He backed off gently and pulled his dick out of her, saying "That was great! Thank you, Mr. Tominagi, wherever you are!"

Monica said, "That was a little uncomfortable for me, Chandler. It was deeper than before, and my legs were stretched out."

Chandler enthused, "You'll get used to it, Monica, won't you? That should be one of our regular positions."

Monica deferred this debate by saying, "We can revisit that one after we go through the book." She checked off number 10, saying, "Look for our next position, Chandler."

Chandler flipped through the book, noting Number 22, "The Snail." He showed Monica, "Look, this one is just like Number 10, except that the woman puts her heels on his shoulders. That way, you don't have to be as flexible."

Monica shook her head impatiently, "That's just the same. It's too deep, and it hurts. Try something else." She found number 48, "Reverse Cowgirl." She said, "This is an easy one, Chandler, you can just lay back and enjoy yourself. Come on, lie down on your back!"

Chandler lay on his back, but his penis had wilted. He normally came twice only when the situation was exceptionally sexy or he hadn't had sex in a few days. For him, this was too contrived, and anything but sexy. He said, "I'm not hard enough."

Monica was insensitive, "Jack off until you're hard."

Chandler objected, "This is supposed to be fun, honey. Can't you get me hard?"

Monica made a disgusted noise. She cleaned his cock off with a wipe, put oil in her palm, and started tugging on him. Chander would have preferred a blowjob, but they were both getting testy and he didn't want to escalate the tension. The handjob felt good. He reached down to stroke her hair, and said, "Honey, that feels great. Thank you. I think I'm hard enough, now."

Monica rubbed some oil into her pussy, and straddled him, facing away. She slipped his cock in easily, and immediately began grinding her pussy against him. It felt good for Chandler, too, but he didn't like the view, looking up her ass. He closed his eyes and focused on the sensation. Monica fingered herself, and moaned, "Ooh, yeah. Ooh, yeah. Oh. Unhhhh." She worked her hips and her fingers faster, and shuddered for several seconds when she climaxed.

Chandler was supportive, "Great job, honey. That was excellent."

Still sitting on his cock, Monica looked over her shoulder, and asked, "Do you want to rotate?"

Chandler told the truth, "No, thank you, I'm good just like this."

Monica dismounted, turned to him, and offered, "I can help...."

Chandler said, "Monica, I'm saving what little I have left for next time. Let me tick off number—what was it?—48?" Monica allowed Chandler to place the checkmark on 48, after instructing him on the preferred shape and size of checkmark, and showing him a couple of examples.

After they showered and dressed, Monica sat on the couch, looking through the book. She marveled, "Chandler, I see what you mean. Some of these are pretty intimidating, if not dangerous. We may have to train, maybe do yoga."

Chandler enjoyed sex less within the confines of Monica's Kama Sutra Challenge, but he made an effort to try, and to compromise. He sat next to her, and said, "Why not pick out our next position? That'll give us something to look forward to. We'll know what we're up against."

Monica paged through the book. It rankled her orderly mind that it was not organized in any way. It should be in order of degree of difficulty, or by position group, like "From Behind," or "Upside Down."

Monica observed, "Well, number 55, 'The Super 8,' is just missionary with a pillow under my but, but I just bend my knees a little, so that's easy." Chandler reached to dog-ear the page. Monica, ever alert to his untidiness, slapped his hand away. She said, "Number 58 is 'Doggy Style,' which we know we can do. A lot of these are very slight variations. Well, that gives us two more for next time."

Chandler added, "Or, for the next two times."

"Oh, yes, of course, sweetie." She kissed him on the cheek.

The next day, when Chandler got home from work, there was a brand-new small white-board on the kitchen wall with the number "4" written on it. He sighed, and trudged to the bedroom.

One respect in which the Kama Sutra was unrealistic was in the way the man was expected to lift and carry the woman about. Chandler and Monica were probably close to average in size. Monica had not one ounce of fat on her body that Chandler would wish to be rid of, but she nevertheless weighed 114 pounds. He knew her weight because he had searched her belongings for interesting information. Even 114 pounds is too much weight for an average man to fling about, as demanded by the Kama Sutra.

Frustrated, Chandler searched the internet for information about the Kama Sutra. He was shocked and disappointed to find that there was no general agreement on how many positions there were in the Kama Sutra. The book that Monica had purchased had 104 positions. Some had more, but at least one version of the Kama Sutra had only 64 positions, a 38% reduction!

Furthermore, there were numerous sub-lists of simple, easy positions, positions for regular people, and middle-aged people. Chandler failed to persuade Monica to temper her expectations. She had chosen their version of the Kama Sutra for the quality of the photography, and the elegance of the book's design. She was not open to alternatives.