All Comments on 'From the Embers Ch. 01'

Great story! I liked it a lot!

The story concept was very good. However you need an editor very badly. You use hyphens like you get paid per use of hyphens. Just about every use of said hyphens was an error. You mixed 1st and 3rd person and usually in one sentence. You had countless spelling errors as well as complete mistakes in word useage. You tried to wow us with big words like dissonance but then you'd actually makeup words. You did something with "confrontational" that just floored me. I tried to go back and find it but I couldn't. You have no clue how to form sentences or use punctuation. You either do not speak English as your native language or you dropped out of school in 6th grade. It would be best if you give your story ideas to a real writer. Like I said, great story concept but horrific writing.

I think you should keep writing. There aren't many stories here that take the approach that you did. Some people probably won't appreciate the originality but that's okay.

The only thing I had an issue with was the presentation of dialog between characters. Granted, it's purely a personal gripe, but you might want to consider breaking up dialog into separate paragraphs just for ease in reading, especially if it's an extended convo. Less confusion that way.

Again, I loved the story, it was worth the extra time to sort out who said what. Please keep writing.

Good story. Keep writing.

There were some parts that were a little confusing to me. Most of those times it was because both characters were talking in the same paragraph - but that may be old school literary expectation. There were other times when sequences either changed or I missed something; like how he got wet with both of their contributions. (I am going back and re-reading it when I can.) And then there were word choices; like "...impregnating her mouth" when it might be better as '...inundating her moth" - but that's from someone who writes and never publishes. You're ahead of me there. Keep at it and I look forward to reading your next.

It's literotica not publishers house. You think the average person on here want to read a book or just wank off...really.

First story - hard to believe. Really nicely written. A complex angle of attack for the lead up, with interesting and well thought out tensions around the sibling history. I’m not personally a fan of the ‘breed me’ bull, but that’s just my thought.

I will definitely look for your next story. I have a feeling there’s much more to come. Thanks for sharing.

An amazing effort as a first story. Sadly, some of the other comments are from idiots. Anyone who is anonymous has never contributed a story of their own but are apparently experts. Yeah, there are a few issues - grandiose words, misplaced quotation marks but what do people expect, Dickens? The main issue is combining speakers in the same paragraph but that's an easy fix. New speaker, new paragraph, even if they're just saying one word. All the other issues such as typos and grammar goofs can be fixed by running your draft through a checker such as Grammarly. The main program is free on laptop and PC and you can establish a database of your work.

I hope you write more as I've saved you as a favourite. Despite the glitches, you deserve five stars. xxx KD

Where as a editor would help, ignore all the bs about how you wrote this story. Maybe punctuation was wrong, maybe both characters were speaking in the same paragraph and maybe he impregnated her mouth, which I liked by the way, it was easy enough to follow along and understand what was going on. In my opinion, one of the best stories I've read. Keep writing!!!

I like the story a lot. I am a little dense as I did not quite understand the ending. So, I think there should be more to it.

OK, first thoughts: you do need to run this past an editor to sort out some of the sequences, as there were.a number of points that felt a little jarring.

Having said that, the storyline was developed nicely. The emotional tension was believable and sustained throughout without requiring the reader to suspend their disbelief.

Oh and to the anonymous squib who complained about publishing house? They can do one. A good story can be far more satisfying in different ways than a generic gratuitous wank fest.

There's more than a little potential here, and I think with a little polish, you'd have sparkling gem of a piece. Get one of the existing editors on this site to have a look through and suggest stylistic fixes and sod all the nay sayers.

Some of these critiques are legit - I personally winced at "cock vomit". There are also technical things like going from first person to third etc.

But whatever. You have something that a lot of writers don't. You have a unique voice. If you have that, then everything else will come along in time.

Your characters never deviated from their internal logic for the sake of plot expedience, unlike so many other stories on here. A lot of writers would have made these two agonize over guilt without ever communicating to each other, just to amp up the melodrama. I really liked how you made them just push through and cut the bullshit to help each other, fix one another. That came off as "real" to me.

Looking forward to reading your next story.

Thank you.

I needed this one badly, to show the way towards accepting and appreciating the sacrifices... and get my head out of my behind.

This is really good, the sex scenes were especially hot, but as people have said there were a few little mishaps with the readers point of view as in sometimes it read that “I held her *****” where as another paragraph would read “he held her ******”.

I’m hardly one to talk as I barley scrapped through an English GCSE let alone author novels-so don’t take my words to personally:)

You could really read the pain and anguish of Josh and Sarah, I don’t know if others here themselves thought like this, but I definitely thought it was going to be Sarah knowing her love from the start and then being seducing Josh on the sly whilst showing an outward façade of we shouldn’t really do this. However that was not the case and was really nice to see the both characters to fight and try and understand their respective feelings.

Another point I like was the date, I honestly thought that Sarah and not Anne was going to be the date and that they were pretending to not know each other to help ease Josh’s self-consciousness in liking his sister.

I have definitely hit the follow button though because I look forward to reading more from you!

One of the best stories I have ever read! Please keep writing!

First off, the carrot 🥕....

I really enjoyed this well done story and I gave you full marks (5 stars).

That being said, however, it needs a bit more work.

Secondly, the stick 🎋....

A lot of people have already commented on the 1st/3rd person issues. But for me, personally, even worse than that was your lack of dialog formatting. You should not be placing dialog from two different people in the same paragraph. Go get a professionally printed novel off of your bookshelf and look at how they handle dialog.

Taking your own words as an example, you wrote:

"Of course not. I go down in the dumps sometimes, but nothing like he did. I'm just-..." I fell victim to the emotional wall again. I opened my mouth to speak several times, but froze as she looked up to reveal her teary eyes and the streams of mascara running down her cheeks. "If you brought me out here just to stop talking whenever....."

You should have broken up Josh's statement and Sarah's response into two separate paragraphs like this:

-

"Of course not. I go down in the dumps sometimes, but nothing like he did. I'm just-..." I fell victim to the emotional wall again. I opened my mouth to speak several times, but froze as she looked up to reveal her teary eyes and the streams of mascara running down her cheeks.

"If you brought me out here just to stop talking whenever....."

The content is great, but you just need a little bit more polish to make it easier to read. 5/5

Decent first story, but I think you made Josh way too fucked up, kind of took the story over the top for me.

Hi all in the comments! First of all, I'd like to voice a huge thanks to those who have taken their time to comment and give me feedback. I never thought it'd have this many views, comments, favorites and ratings and I'm astounded to see it!

I've written a lot of horror and body horror, but never really shared it and it seems I've got some vocabulary to work on when it comes to erotica (sorry about the cock vomit)

I will definitively work on it for the future, especially when it comes to the dialogue. I tried to re-read it given the feedback I've gotten and I can see what you mean - it is very confusing! I'll take it with me as I continue to write. For those who found the ending a bit staccato, there's more to come, hopefully with less cock vomit and confusing dialogue. English isn't my first, second or third language, so I apologize if the sentences are off or weird at times. Hopefully, reading more will remedy this problem to some extent. I also love em dashes and punctuation, which I could definitively practice spacing out more.

Thanks for joining me for the journey and for taking the time to give me your feedback! I really, truly appreciate it.

Your first story and already one of my favorite.

Great story.

I thought that your story was wonderful, including the title. I wouldn't worry to much about the editing, I have read many stories on here that were edited by more than one person and those stories had way more mistakes. As English isn't your first language, in my opinion you did very well and I look forward to your next story. Thank you for a lovely story.

I have just started reading the story so I'm sure I will have a comment after completing the work but for heaven's sake, give a brother a head's up when you're going to dive straight into suicide. The description and tags don't reveal anything of this nature. Just a note before the story saying you will be dealing with a harsh/serious topic would be helpful. Thanks.

Good work on the story. Writing is solid, characters are relatable, and descriptions are good. Clarity needs some attention but over all a fantastic start. Keep up the good work.

Just FYI SSRIs aren't addictive.

Wow! Such a great story. Thank you!

One of my favorites I’ll be back to read again.

I only ask that if the story continues with a third person in their lives, please write the tag.

i didn't like the sister, first she seduces him and shortly after she wants them to date other people.. f. that bish 1/5

Very beautiful. I love it. Please countinue. Im waiting for it.

Wonderful. Please write another chapter.

Good story, but I almost quit reading when sis dropped the "Give me your baby - breed me" bomb (I hate that shit). Thankfully that was not the case as she was simply pranking him about wanting his baby. 3/5 . . . .