tagHumor & SatireGetting Nude with Chairman Mao

Getting Nude with Chairman Mao


Oggbashan June 2010

The only copyright part of this story are MY words. All the other words, apart from this introduction, are from the 1967 Second Edition of the English language version of Chairman Mao's Little Red Book. Context is important so I have not edited or cut the quotations.


Our sex life, after five years of marriage, was becoming too routine. We would have a good meal, a few glasses of wine and retire to our comfortable bed. After sex, we would go to sleep. We would usually sleep wrapped around each other. We were contented, happy -- but the excitement wasn't there. It was good that we recognised that we wanted more.

One night, after another enjoyable but mundane coupling, Helen said:

"John, why don't we try something different? Perhaps out of a book?"

"The Kama Sutra, perhaps?"

"No. Not that. I don't feel that athletic and the instructions can be so complex to understand. Any book."

"Any book, Helen? Lets see, what have we got lying around in the bedroom?"

I climbed out of bed and walked to the dressing table. I picked up the small pile of books.

"Georgette Heyer?"

Helen giggled.

"No! Her heroines NEVER do sex."

"John Buchan?"

"No! His heroes are too busy keeping a stiff upper lip and saving the country to indulge in sex. Try again."

"I suppose a Bible might produce some ideas but we've left it downstairs. What's left? Agatha Christie?"

"No! I don't want to be the Body in the Library."

"There's only one book left. Chairman Mao's Little Red Book."

"Oh. That doesn't sound very likely, John."

"I'm not sure, Helen. It is all about encouraging the comrades. It depends how we read it. How about this?"

- It is well known that when you do anything, unless you understand its actual circumstances, its nature and its relations to other things, you will not know the laws governing it, or know how to do it, or be able to do it well. (page 210)-

"That passage has possibilities, John."

"I can see it does. What are the actual circumstances?"

"We make sex -- in bed."

"So we do. But we do it under the duvet. I can't SEE the actual circumstances."

I grabbed the duvet, yanked it hard and dropped it on the floor.

Helen squealed and pulled her nightdress down.


"That'll have to come off too."

I peeled my pyjamas off and dropped them on top of the duvet.

"Off with that nightie!"

"Must I?" Helen asked, mock-coyly.

"Of course. We're following Chairman Mao's advice."

Helen stripped her nightie off slowly.

"This is getting better," I said. "I'm more interested than I've been for weeks."

"I can see that you are," said Helen, pointedly looking below my waist. "What's the next passage?"

"Passage? I can just see its entrance..."

"Not that! The next bit of the Little Red Book."

"Oh, that."

I flipped a few pages and read:

- Whoever wants to know a thing has no way of doing so except by coming into contact with it, that is, by living (practising) in its environment. ... If you want knowledge, you must take part in the practice of changing reality. If you want to know the taste of a pear, you must change the pear by eating it yourself. ... If you want to know the theory and methods of revolution, you must take part in revolution. All genuine knowledge originates in direct experience. (page 209) -

"Well, John? Are you going to follow Chairman Mao? If you want to know the taste of a pear..."

I took the hint. I used my mouth and tongue to taste a naked Helen all over. I started at her hands, then her feet, moving gradually, step by step, closer and closer to between her legs until my tongue was penetrating her.

"Now for the genuine knowledge that originates in direct experience," Helen gasped.

I obliged. Our direct experience was more satisfying than any encounter we had experienced for months. After that, we were so exhausted we put Chairman Mao aside for tomorrow night. We slept together with our naked bodies entwined.


The next night Helen chose the quotation from Chairman Mao. Choose was perhaps too strong a word. She flipped the book open and read:

- Knowledge begins with practice, and theoretical knowledge which is acquired through practice must return to practice. The active function of knowledge manifests itself not only in the active leap from perceptual to rational knowledge, but -- and this is more important -- it must manifest itself in the leap from rational knowledge to revolutionary practice. (pps 209/210)-

"So," she said. "Practice started last night. We must return to practice."

"And to nudity," I added.

"That too, John."

This time we stripped each other. As we had started fully dressed it took some time, an enjoyable time. Her hands roamed all over my body, mine over hers.

"Once more with Mao," Helen said, grabbing The Little Red Book.

- "Grasp firmly." That is to say, the Party committee must not merely "grasp", but "grasp firmly", its main tasks. One can get a grip on something only when it is grasped firmly, without the slightest slackening. Not to grasp firmly is not to grasp at all. Naturally, one cannot get a grip on something with an open hand. When the hand is clenched as if grasping something but is not clenched tightly, there is still no grip. Some of our comrades do grasp the main tasks, but their grasp is not firm and so they cannot make a success of their work. It will not do to have no grasp at all, nor will it do if the grasp is not firm. (page 111) -

She grasped. She grasped with a firm grasp. She got a grip and pulled me to the bed. Once there another more intimate part of her grasped firmly without the slightest slackening.

We made a success of our work as our nude bodies grasped each other firmly.

Chairman Mao's Little Red Book now has pride of place on our bedroom table.

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